Madame Catfish
...Fascinating...
I hate to bother anyone who might be reading this downpour of what might be perceived as no more than a stereotypical flood of teenage angst, but I have a genuine question that would best be answered by people with similar neurological wiring.
I have had a friend for six years. Family friend, visits our house every couple of weeks but has now lived in college town for the past three years. We met on stage, strangely enough, whenever I was about ten and he fifteen.
This question comes into play, however, due to a conversation I had with some of my classmates. I was beginning to be concerned that I had some sort of heart defect due to the occasional heavy thumping and light airy feeling I get in my chest on occasion, stemming from about six years ago. They had asked me about the specifics and soon pointed out that all of these "attacks" coincided with me being around, texting with, or even thinking about this friend.
As of now, I can see how ridiculous my previous hypothesis of a heart defect was, as my chest is feeling airy at the mention of my friend. I have examined my behaviour since then and have come to the definite conclusion that this feeling, whatever it may be, is a response to this friend. Perhaps I had diverted myself from the obvious due to my unwillingness to admit that I could respond to another individual in such a positive way. I say positive, but sometime this feeling burns or keeps me from thinking of other things. I have never slept well, but this feeling has occasionally disrupted my sleep these past years.
Anyhow, my classmate concluded that I must be sexually attracted to this friend of mine, for they believe the feeling I described to be a sexual response. I will admit that my hands become sweaty and my pulse quicker when addressing my friend, but I don't feel any stimulation in the genital area. I often want to reach out and hug my friend (something highly unusual for me), but I have never had any desire for coitus whatsoever. We often hug and this airy feeling intensifies during these occasions, but as stated previously, I don't recognise any sexual urges. Sometimes, when we are both laying on the sofa, I have the urge to snuggle with him, but not in a sexual context: I'm curious if all of these feelings are some sort of repressed expression of a subconscious romantic inclination towards him, because it doesn't seem common for friends to snuggle or hug as frequently as we do.
This post is becoming excruciatingly long and I apologise to anyone bothering to read it, but I am providing as much information as I can in search for the most accurate answer.
Another reason that I am not quite sure if the classmate's (plural classmates, actually, as many other people joined in) answer is accurate is that I don't have any feelings of jealousy, as people are prone to have when in love with somebody. My friend has had a girlfriend for the past couple of months, but when he had first told me of this I felt nothing but happiness. This friend is very lonely, and has had many bad experiences with girls taking advantage of his unusual (A bit too extreme, in my opinion) niceness. It is not uncommon for people to bum rides off of him when they are drunk or make him pay for things, but this girlfriend is a good person. She has come over a couple of times before and is amiable (though sometimes she shows an unusual coldness towards me, compared to her like of my parents) and I am glad that my friend has someone to be happy with. Yet, on the other hand, he hasn't been visiting us as often as he used to because of his occupation with this girlfriend and this irritates me. I don't know if this is jealousy, though, because I feel nothing towards her, but rather a frustration at his lack of visits.
Yet then again, my fondness for his smell might be cited as evidence for my having a romantic inclination towards him. I have a very sensitive nose and recognise others by their smell, and I have never met anyone who's smell is as pleasant as that of my friend, not even my closest family members have scents that comfort me as much as his. A few years ago, upon my request, he put a piece of paper I had given him in his coat pocket for a while and then given it back so that I could have a sample of his smell with me. Whenever I have bad days, I can open the book I put it in and the smell makes me almost as happy as when he is here.
I cannot tell if I am in love or not. I cannot accept either answer from myself, because, in saying no I might be deceiving myself and in saying yes I might be talking of a subject I know nothing about.
Have you had any similar experiences?
What do you think?
If I am in love, are there any good methods for suppressing this feeling or should I just withdraw from this individual?
I don't know what more to say or ask. I don't mean to sound hopelessly melodramatic, but I'm sick of losing sleep over this. The idea that I might have been in love for so many years and deceived myself of the fact scares me, but so does the idea that I have a heart defect. XD I just need a third person opinion on this, someone unbiased as I come from a small town where many of my classmates have pre-conceived notions as to my friend and I. In a way, I think the people telling me I was in love were trying to fulfil their own romantic notion that someone like me could be subject to love. In a way, I also think they might have been right.
And then again, they might be wrong. }:/
I have such a headache. Thanks to anyone who managed to read my entire catharsis all the way through, it must have been cringe worthy in it's adolescent confusion.
I have had a friend for six years. Family friend, visits our house every couple of weeks but has now lived in college town for the past three years. We met on stage, strangely enough, whenever I was about ten and he fifteen.
This question comes into play, however, due to a conversation I had with some of my classmates. I was beginning to be concerned that I had some sort of heart defect due to the occasional heavy thumping and light airy feeling I get in my chest on occasion, stemming from about six years ago. They had asked me about the specifics and soon pointed out that all of these "attacks" coincided with me being around, texting with, or even thinking about this friend.
As of now, I can see how ridiculous my previous hypothesis of a heart defect was, as my chest is feeling airy at the mention of my friend. I have examined my behaviour since then and have come to the definite conclusion that this feeling, whatever it may be, is a response to this friend. Perhaps I had diverted myself from the obvious due to my unwillingness to admit that I could respond to another individual in such a positive way. I say positive, but sometime this feeling burns or keeps me from thinking of other things. I have never slept well, but this feeling has occasionally disrupted my sleep these past years.
Anyhow, my classmate concluded that I must be sexually attracted to this friend of mine, for they believe the feeling I described to be a sexual response. I will admit that my hands become sweaty and my pulse quicker when addressing my friend, but I don't feel any stimulation in the genital area. I often want to reach out and hug my friend (something highly unusual for me), but I have never had any desire for coitus whatsoever. We often hug and this airy feeling intensifies during these occasions, but as stated previously, I don't recognise any sexual urges. Sometimes, when we are both laying on the sofa, I have the urge to snuggle with him, but not in a sexual context: I'm curious if all of these feelings are some sort of repressed expression of a subconscious romantic inclination towards him, because it doesn't seem common for friends to snuggle or hug as frequently as we do.
This post is becoming excruciatingly long and I apologise to anyone bothering to read it, but I am providing as much information as I can in search for the most accurate answer.
Another reason that I am not quite sure if the classmate's (plural classmates, actually, as many other people joined in) answer is accurate is that I don't have any feelings of jealousy, as people are prone to have when in love with somebody. My friend has had a girlfriend for the past couple of months, but when he had first told me of this I felt nothing but happiness. This friend is very lonely, and has had many bad experiences with girls taking advantage of his unusual (A bit too extreme, in my opinion) niceness. It is not uncommon for people to bum rides off of him when they are drunk or make him pay for things, but this girlfriend is a good person. She has come over a couple of times before and is amiable (though sometimes she shows an unusual coldness towards me, compared to her like of my parents) and I am glad that my friend has someone to be happy with. Yet, on the other hand, he hasn't been visiting us as often as he used to because of his occupation with this girlfriend and this irritates me. I don't know if this is jealousy, though, because I feel nothing towards her, but rather a frustration at his lack of visits.
Yet then again, my fondness for his smell might be cited as evidence for my having a romantic inclination towards him. I have a very sensitive nose and recognise others by their smell, and I have never met anyone who's smell is as pleasant as that of my friend, not even my closest family members have scents that comfort me as much as his. A few years ago, upon my request, he put a piece of paper I had given him in his coat pocket for a while and then given it back so that I could have a sample of his smell with me. Whenever I have bad days, I can open the book I put it in and the smell makes me almost as happy as when he is here.
I cannot tell if I am in love or not. I cannot accept either answer from myself, because, in saying no I might be deceiving myself and in saying yes I might be talking of a subject I know nothing about.
Have you had any similar experiences?
What do you think?
If I am in love, are there any good methods for suppressing this feeling or should I just withdraw from this individual?
I don't know what more to say or ask. I don't mean to sound hopelessly melodramatic, but I'm sick of losing sleep over this. The idea that I might have been in love for so many years and deceived myself of the fact scares me, but so does the idea that I have a heart defect. XD I just need a third person opinion on this, someone unbiased as I come from a small town where many of my classmates have pre-conceived notions as to my friend and I. In a way, I think the people telling me I was in love were trying to fulfil their own romantic notion that someone like me could be subject to love. In a way, I also think they might have been right.
And then again, they might be wrong. }:/
I have such a headache. Thanks to anyone who managed to read my entire catharsis all the way through, it must have been cringe worthy in it's adolescent confusion.
