RainbowStar
Active Member
I'm feeling very conflicted. I've never been diagnosed, evaluated, or anything related to the autism spectrum. From what people tell me, I know I seem slightly odd to others in my behavior, but not enough for them to think much of it. I do know I've always felt different, but I think most people feel like that, so I don't know. What happened recently was that, out of curiosity, I went online and researched a bit about Asperger's. When I got to lists of symptoms, I found nearly all of them fit me. Now, I know self diagnosis is often inaccurate, so I came here to ask people with personal experience if I might have Asperger's. I'm going to list the behaviors I have that might be associated with Asperger's.
-Bad at understanding social cues. I do understand many social nuances now, but I had to learn them from experience - as a kid, I had a very difficult time understanding any of it.
-Disliking changes in routine. I'm better about it now, but again, it's a learned thing from being around people who hate routines. One thing that stands out to me is that, as a kid, I would write down a schedule (down to the minute) and one day, when I woke up late and didn't have time for the first activity, I had a full on meltdown. Apparently I was inconsolable for a while.
-Appear to lack empathy. This one, I hate it. I hate it with a passion. I have a difficult time showing my emotions, especially positive ones (leading people to think I'm not having a good time when I am) but the empathy thing? I would go so far as to say I feel *more* empathy than most people; it's so, so strong, but it just doesn't show. I seem cold and I can't figure out how to change that.
-Inability to recognize sarcasm or other important changes in tone/pitch. That one can be extremely embarrassing. I make it a point to really try to figure out whether each thing people say is sarcasm or a joke. I fail a lot of the time. It simply doesn't connect.
-Formal speaking style. I feel like this one may not be related to Asperger's in my case, if I have it, but who knows, maybe it is. I have difficulty pulling words out of my head. I lose my train of thought or just can't remember the most basic of words incredibly frequently. So I use synonyms, which sound very formal a lot of the time.
-Talk a lot and have one sided conversations. THIS. As a kid, I was known as the chatterbox. I would talk...and talk...and talk. Not necessarily about things that interested others, but I LOVED it. Now, I have mild social anxiety (diagnosed) so I talk less for fear of others hating me for it. But when I'm comfortable with someone, I can go on these long one sided discussions and not really notice when the other person wants to leave until they outright say it. That can get awkward.
-Avoiding eye contact. I can never figure out how much eye contact is the "right" amount, but it just seems so awkward and strange to me! I'll look people in the eye at first, but I'll nearly always look away quickly after that. It feels wrong.
-Unusual facial expressions. This one I don't notice until it's pointed out or I look in a mirror, but I definitely make faces that are inappropriate for the time.
-Preoccupied with a few interests. This one isn't very extreme, but I do have few true interests, and they're fairly unusual (for example, diseases and disorders - hence, my random search about Asperger's, which led me to this.)
-Delayed motor development. THIS. I started walking late, which was the first sign. (I had been talking - fluently, mind you - for a good 5-6 months before I could walk.) I have terrible coordination, and I always say my depth perception is bad, but it's not so much poor depth perception as it is not being able to move my body correctly to avoid hitting objects. I also have very slow reflexes, although I'm not sure if that has to do with this. And when I try to combine movements, like serving in volleyball, it gets all mixed up and I fail miserably.
-Heightened sensitivity. I've been self diagnosed with several sensory processing disorders for quite some time now, and I've done quite a bit of research on them. I'll skip the ones that aren't about heightened sensitivity for now, but I do have a lot of trouble with all 5 senses. Crowds overwhelm me so much that I can't function due to the noises and smells. Perfumes and such not only set off my allergies, but overwhelm me to the point where I have to leave. I'm better with tastes now, but still, if I dislike a food, I cannot eat it (usually due to texture, sometimes taste.) Usually I'm actually undersensitive to touch; I'll seek out different types of touch because I crave that sense, and hugs are amazing. I could go on, but I've said a lot, so I think you get the idea.
Those are the main things that lead me to believe I may have Asperger's. If I conclude that I do, I'm not sure what I'd do about it; I don't see the point in seeking diagnosis. But I do like having explanations for my odd behaviors. I've felt like a freak for some time now, so I'm kind of hoping I have this as an explanation.
-Bad at understanding social cues. I do understand many social nuances now, but I had to learn them from experience - as a kid, I had a very difficult time understanding any of it.
-Disliking changes in routine. I'm better about it now, but again, it's a learned thing from being around people who hate routines. One thing that stands out to me is that, as a kid, I would write down a schedule (down to the minute) and one day, when I woke up late and didn't have time for the first activity, I had a full on meltdown. Apparently I was inconsolable for a while.
-Appear to lack empathy. This one, I hate it. I hate it with a passion. I have a difficult time showing my emotions, especially positive ones (leading people to think I'm not having a good time when I am) but the empathy thing? I would go so far as to say I feel *more* empathy than most people; it's so, so strong, but it just doesn't show. I seem cold and I can't figure out how to change that.
-Inability to recognize sarcasm or other important changes in tone/pitch. That one can be extremely embarrassing. I make it a point to really try to figure out whether each thing people say is sarcasm or a joke. I fail a lot of the time. It simply doesn't connect.
-Formal speaking style. I feel like this one may not be related to Asperger's in my case, if I have it, but who knows, maybe it is. I have difficulty pulling words out of my head. I lose my train of thought or just can't remember the most basic of words incredibly frequently. So I use synonyms, which sound very formal a lot of the time.
-Talk a lot and have one sided conversations. THIS. As a kid, I was known as the chatterbox. I would talk...and talk...and talk. Not necessarily about things that interested others, but I LOVED it. Now, I have mild social anxiety (diagnosed) so I talk less for fear of others hating me for it. But when I'm comfortable with someone, I can go on these long one sided discussions and not really notice when the other person wants to leave until they outright say it. That can get awkward.
-Avoiding eye contact. I can never figure out how much eye contact is the "right" amount, but it just seems so awkward and strange to me! I'll look people in the eye at first, but I'll nearly always look away quickly after that. It feels wrong.
-Unusual facial expressions. This one I don't notice until it's pointed out or I look in a mirror, but I definitely make faces that are inappropriate for the time.
-Preoccupied with a few interests. This one isn't very extreme, but I do have few true interests, and they're fairly unusual (for example, diseases and disorders - hence, my random search about Asperger's, which led me to this.)
-Delayed motor development. THIS. I started walking late, which was the first sign. (I had been talking - fluently, mind you - for a good 5-6 months before I could walk.) I have terrible coordination, and I always say my depth perception is bad, but it's not so much poor depth perception as it is not being able to move my body correctly to avoid hitting objects. I also have very slow reflexes, although I'm not sure if that has to do with this. And when I try to combine movements, like serving in volleyball, it gets all mixed up and I fail miserably.
-Heightened sensitivity. I've been self diagnosed with several sensory processing disorders for quite some time now, and I've done quite a bit of research on them. I'll skip the ones that aren't about heightened sensitivity for now, but I do have a lot of trouble with all 5 senses. Crowds overwhelm me so much that I can't function due to the noises and smells. Perfumes and such not only set off my allergies, but overwhelm me to the point where I have to leave. I'm better with tastes now, but still, if I dislike a food, I cannot eat it (usually due to texture, sometimes taste.) Usually I'm actually undersensitive to touch; I'll seek out different types of touch because I crave that sense, and hugs are amazing. I could go on, but I've said a lot, so I think you get the idea.
Those are the main things that lead me to believe I may have Asperger's. If I conclude that I do, I'm not sure what I'd do about it; I don't see the point in seeking diagnosis. But I do like having explanations for my odd behaviors. I've felt like a freak for some time now, so I'm kind of hoping I have this as an explanation.
