Is it lack of ever having a real relationship?

[Streetwise]

Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I spend a lot of time trying to get someone to truly understand me and I don't feel like anyone does. I've always wished someone out there truly knew me and don't think that's ever happened. Even my close relationships, there was never that other person wanting to know who I was. So I ask those of you with good, strong marriages - in a real relationship do you feel the other does know who you are?

I've been married three times. First, was not my choice - parents made me. I'm not sure what I was to him - he was never home, but out drinking and running around (which he never changed with any of his marriages). And I was too young to know anything about anything.
But I chose my second husband. I was head over heels in love and I think it would have lasted to this day if it weren't for him being a con artist and gay. But I ended up being for him a cover and a warning to alarm if someone was getting too close to tracking him down - they'd have to get to me first, which would give him a chance to flee.
So I raised my kids and took the single parent road. But once they were all grown I wanted someone in my life and married again. Come to learn he had no interest in who I was, just wanted someone to take care of him financially and his needs (cook, laundry, clean house, run his golf clubs to him, etc). I'd try to talk to him and he had absolutely no interest. Anyhow - didn't work out. I remember soon after we were married, I was trying to talk to him about our relationship and he explained that he didn't love me 'like that'. Talk about a fall! Anyhow.....

I feel like I've spent a lot of my life trying to get someone to understand who I am and it's never happened. Is there such a thing as finding someone who really does want to know who you are and understand how you think and feel? I think that's what makes me feel so alone in this world. Maybe one reason I come here.

Here is sort of an example, British presenter has recently admitted he is homosexual and has realised he knew it for the last 30 years.
on the outside you would think he has a strong marriage, yes his wife still cares about him but i!it a strong marriage if he's been homosexual and couldn't tell her, he is still affected by a generation that said if you are in the public eye pretend !,even people who say they are devout to a particular faith and stay married aren't necessarily in a strong marriage, they could just live together, I've heard quite a few times where somebody said I just didn't care what they did , not in a bitter way, more no jealousy ,it was just convenient(or afraid of change) to live in the house .
You did what was right for you ,you made a choice, we know nothing about somebody else so how can you know if something is strong.

 

[Streetwise]

Wow. A lot of interesting and well thought comments. I actually expected some 'yes it happens' comments. It's a lonely world out there, isn't it? Do people settle? Like does a physical presence make them less alone, so they accept that without the "I like who you are and enjoy spending my time with you?" Maybe I looked for the wrong thing. I wanted love when all I got was a person needing someone to fit this role. I don't want to be a 'role' or a 'filler'. There's no real caring there.

Actually, I don't think I was ever meant to be in a relationship. You know, my first husband (whom I ended up hating to the point it was hard for me to even look at him without feeling sick), told me I was his second choice, that my sister was his first. My last would refuse to watch my favorite tv show but would invite me to sit with him and watch (his words) my sister's favorite show and would remember things from high school, like watching me climb the stairs in this really short dress (which was my sister - I never wore dresses in high school). Maybe that's one of the things I loved about my second husband - he never even met anyone in my family, except my mom and 1 aunt. And he did treat me with much respect and would make other's around me act respectful in front of me and so on. He's also the person who taught me to stand up for myself more. I used to ask him how we were doing and he'd always answer he had no complaints. But he's also the one who I wasn't even allowed to check the mail. Or we'd be on the truck together and I'd be hungry but I'd have to be able to answer something before he stopped - like 'what's on the back of a pepto bismal tablet'. (FBI said a form of brainwashing, but I don't know).

And @Schism I really am easy to get along with, but no, I wouldn't want an identical me - it'd be crazy and the arguments would be more like, "No, I want you to have it." lol

@Streetwise I seldom pray for myself because I know I've been blessed and do have more than I need. And Jesus is my daily companion who knows me better than I know myself - thanks for that reminder.

@Thinx everything you said is very interesting - I need to go back and read it again.

@SusanLR sorry - I feel your frustrations. I like your and @Major Tom disgruntled roommate theory.

@Aspychata you and I are so often on the same note and I've seen a lot of that, too. The wife is financially dependent.

Ponder this why do you seldom pray for yourself I understand that part in the Bible that we can't really talk about here but we're also not supposed to be so spiritual that we are not true ,what do you consider having enough, what are your categories of blessing.

 

[Pats]

Ponder this why do you seldom pray for yourself I understand that part in the Bible that we can't really talk about here but we're also not supposed to be so spiritual that we are not true ,what do you consider having enough, what are your categories of blessing.

I moved my answer to Religion - can talk here..

 

[Giraffes]

Hi and what a relationship journey you've had,i have been married to a man who ensured he had his needs meet and i basically looked after him,our home and my needs became unknown or alknowledged by myself,i did what i thought he wanted and we remained together till i regonised the mental abuse i accepted as my lot, then i went into a series of unsatisfying relationships before a diagnosis at age 40. I now live with a introverted man with the same diagnosis of myself and after much upset and self discovery we are starting to understand and accept who be both are and for the first time ever i feel hope of happiness within a relationship, so yes it can happen.

 

[onlything]

Humans are... Humans. Sooner or later, you always end up feeling lonely, misunderstood, judged and/or betrayed near them. Never happened with animals.

I think that what we crave, the true understanding between you and another person, is impossible. The best you can get is acceptance and love despite the lack of understanding... And these always hurt you at some point. Such is life.

 

[Gracey]

I believe it to be acceptance rather than knowing someone @Pats

Part of it is accepting and loving ourselves without prejudice or condition.

I wont pretend to understand why Mr G and I are still together after all this time.
I would be a long list if I tried.
He has quirks and idiosyncrasies I can't stand.
But so do I.
Neither one of us perfect in any sense of the word.
We blunder along screwing it up just like many other humans on the planet.

But then there's all the other stuff that happens in between the tough times.
We're both responsible for all of it.

 

[Alexej]

My diagnosis actually helped me understand myself a little better. So I won't say I know who I am, but I know a little better than I did before. .

My experience as well

Finding out who you are, (who I am), is something I have been working on for many years now. Still discovering aspects.

 

[Adora]

I’m married and while I do believe my husband understands me to a certain level, there is a struggle I have with most people not understanding or knowing who I am.

I always feel like a fish out of water no matter where I am and my husband does understand the reasons for that.

I am very sorry for what you had to go through with your previous relationships, no one deserves that type of heartache especially having to endure it for many years.

I hope you can find peace and understanding because I know all too well the feelings of disconnection.

 

[Rasputin]

Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I spend a lot of time trying to get someone to truly understand me and I don't feel like anyone does. I've always wished someone out there truly knew me and don't think that's ever happened. Even my close relationships, there was never that other person wanting to know who I was. So I ask those of you with good, strong marriages - in a real relationship do you feel the other does know who you are?

I've been married three times. First, was not my choice - parents made me. I'm not sure what I was to him - he was never home, but out drinking and running around (which he never changed with any of his marriages). And I was too young to know anything about anything.
But I chose my second husband. I was head over heels in love and I think it would have lasted to this day if it weren't for him being a con artist and gay. But I ended up being for him a cover and a warning to alarm if someone was getting too close to tracking him down - they'd have to get to me first, which would give him a chance to flee.
So I raised my kids and took the single parent road. But once they were all grown I wanted someone in my life and married again. Come to learn he had no interest in who I was, just wanted someone to take care of him financially and his needs (cook, laundry, clean house, run his golf clubs to him, etc). I'd try to talk to him and he had absolutely no interest. Anyhow - didn't work out. I remember soon after we were married, I was trying to talk to him about our relationship and he explained that he didn't love me 'like that'. Talk about a fall! Anyhow.....

I feel like I've spent a lot of my life trying to get someone to understand who I am and it's never happened. Is there such a thing as finding someone who really does want to know who you are and understand how you think and feel? I think that's what makes me feel so alone in this world. Maybe one reason I come here.

I have been married twice. The first marriage lasted two years, and I am currently in my 28th year of marriage. In neither case have I been "understood", the fact that I can be content without having close friends. Interestingly, I am capable of forming close friendships, but the other person must be genuine in their beliefs and values. Also there must be a sense of mutual trust. I had a close friend for over 15 years, and he and his wife and me and my wife did everything together until they moved away. A year after our friends moved away, my best friend had a massive stroke and passed away. Since then, the past three years, I have not found anyone I wanted to be close friends with. There are a couple people I am somewhat friendly with, and over time we may become friends.

Of most concern to me is that my wife does not understand me, and I am apparently not connecting with her in a way that meets her emotional needs. in addition, my wife seems angry and unwilling to even try to understand me. She does not accept my ASD diagnosis, and only thinks about her unmet emotional needs. We have an appointment with the psychiatrist who diagnosed me in two weeks, and I do not know what to expect from that appointment.

Interestingly, I heard from my first wife 21 years after she left me. She had remarried but had lived with guilt for 21 years and just wanted to tell me that we both made mistakes and that she was sorry for the way she behaved. Also, I learned that she was pregnant when she left, but I do not know if the child was mine or someone else's. Her daughter and I do have some things in common though, with her being a National Merit Scholar and working as an IT consultant.

Back to the point of Pats post, I found an article in Psychology Today that asserted that one does not necessarily need to have close friends.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/comparatively-speaking/201905/why-you-dont-need-friends

This is sort of how I feel. I met a guy who had similar interests in a local sports team about a year ago, and he wanted to meet me. He got tickets to an arena football game, and I met him. Aside from supporting a sports team we had nothing in common and have not interacted since. I am not exactly sure if my social needs are being met on this forum, but I do feel I share some things in common with people here.

 

[Rasputin]

I don't think anyone has ever understood me or cared to.
Friendships, relationships always ended. Things got worse instead of better the more we got
to know each other.

The only person that seemed to truly understand and was unconditional with me was my Mom.
But, then she knew me since birth. She should understand me.
Dad, not so much. He wasn't with me as much as she was. Probably why.

Currently the relationship between the man I live with and myself is as @Major Tom said, like disgruntled
room mates.
A lot of arguments, but, neither of us have any family or friends, so we try to make it work because
we are senior citizens and don't want to be alone. It's a big house. He has his side and I have mine.

I can relate to everything you mentioned, except for your relationship with your mother. I did not not have a good relationship with either of my parents.

My wife and I are almost separated, living within our house. She lives in her home office, and watches television in there, while I escape to whatever good movie is showing in our living room. She escapes to her "reality" TV shows and her "Housewives" shows which I hate. It's not a good situation, is all I know.

 

[Pats]

I'm sorry that you have such an estranged marriage. But pat yourself on the back for not just bolting. I really did try in my marriages but when I would realize nothing was going to change I bolted.
I don't know if you're religious, but I think it's interesting that the Bible says for husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husbands. And it does seem like the wife needs to feel loved while the husband does mostly want respect. And I know there are couples who feel like they need to do everything together, and then there are couples who don't feel it's necessary to do things together. But a reminder once in a while that they/you still care still means a lot.

I don't think it's a bad thing to not have to be in the same room. (of course I'm on the spectrum though). And if the spouse is watching something you hate, it really is almost impossible to be in the same room - I get that, because it can be torturous.

I read the article - interesting. I'm actually fine being alone, without close friends. Because of what I perceive as society expectations I'll sometimes feel guilty. But I do know I'm happier alone. Maybe because my guilt, I thought I needed someone in my life, a spouse, but wanted that spouse to like me for who I am and not what they wanted out of me and actually wanted and enjoyed spending time with me. But I've never had that and just wondered if it was even possible.

I had a friend once. She and her kids and I and my kids did everything together - trips, movies, holidays, church, etc. Talked to her on a daily basis. Her husband was the only person my youngest daughter was okay being babysat by. She's invite him to all her baseball games or to the new Disney movie and he'd be there. I could call them and say, hey, kids are at school, let's go eat and they'd meet me. Me and her even did a mother/son trip out west. I don't know what happened, though. It's like she got upset with me over something that I never understood what. I never knew what happened, just that the friendship was over and I never knew what became of them. So I think I'm capable - just unless, I'm told, might not know when I've done something wrong. If I seen her today it would be like seeing a stranger.

 

[Tracker Girl]

My husband and I have an amazing marriage . . . we joke all the time, never argue, like the same hobbies, and are raising 3 awesome kids. I'd say he knows me quite well and he's starting to understanding me better now that we realize I'm autistic, but then so am I.

We didn't start out that way. Our first 5 years of marriage were horrible and not a day passed that I didn't think about divorcing. I'm sure glad I didn't!

We did a marriage bootcamp by Mort Fertel. I highly recommend it. Google him. We had trouble with basic things, like kissing each other hello and goodbye and not talking to each other. All good marriages are exactly the same . . . bad marriages fail for different reasons.