Is it lack of ever having a real relationship?

[Pats]

Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I spend a lot of time trying to get someone to truly understand me and I don't feel like anyone does. I've always wished someone out there truly knew me and don't think that's ever happened. Even my close relationships, there was never that other person wanting to know who I was. So I ask those of you with good, strong marriages - in a real relationship do you feel the other does know who you are?

I've been married three times. First, was not my choice - parents made me. I'm not sure what I was to him - he was never home, but out drinking and running around (which he never changed with any of his marriages). And I was too young to know anything about anything.
But I chose my second husband. I was head over heels in love and I think it would have lasted to this day if it weren't for him being a con artist and gay. But I ended up being for him a cover and a warning to alarm if someone was getting too close to tracking him down - they'd have to get to me first, which would give him a chance to flee.
So I raised my kids and took the single parent road. But once they were all grown I wanted someone in my life and married again. Come to learn he had no interest in who I was, just wanted someone to take care of him financially and his needs (cook, laundry, clean house, run his golf clubs to him, etc). I'd try to talk to him and he had absolutely no interest. Anyhow - didn't work out. I remember soon after we were married, I was trying to talk to him about our relationship and he explained that he didn't love me 'like that'. Talk about a fall! Anyhow.....

I feel like I've spent a lot of my life trying to get someone to understand who I am and it's never happened. Is there such a thing as finding someone who really does want to know who you are and understand how you think and feel? I think that's what makes me feel so alone in this world. Maybe one reason I come here.

 

[LucyPurrs]

@Pats I share some of your feelings. I work really hard to understand others but find they rarely show the same degree of interest in getting to know me. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who really wanted to know who I am as opposed to wanting my attention. But I haven't tried to get others to understand who I am in the way you described (maybe because I'm not asd). It's just that I've hoped others would try to do so.

 

[Streetwise]

Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I spend a lot of time trying to get someone to truly understand me and I don't feel like anyone does. I've always wished someone out there truly knew me and don't think that's ever happened. Even my close relationships, there was never that other person wanting to know who I was. So I ask those of you with good, strong marriages - in a real relationship do you feel the other does know who you are?

I've been married three times. First, was not my choice - parents made me. I'm not sure what I was to him - he was never home, but out drinking and running around (which he never changed with any of his marriages). And I was too young to know anything about anything.
But I chose my second husband. I was head over heels in love and I think it would have lasted to this day if it weren't for him being a con artist and gay. But I ended up being for him a cover and a warning to alarm if someone was getting too close to tracking him down - they'd have to get to me first, which would give him a chance to flee.
So I raised my kids and took the single parent road. But once they were all grown I wanted someone in my life and married again. Come to learn he had no interest in who I was, just wanted someone to take care of him financially and his needs (cook, laundry, clean house, run his golf clubs to him, etc). I'd try to talk to him and he had absolutely no interest. Anyhow - didn't work out. I remember soon after we were married, I was trying to talk to him about our relationship and he explained that he didn't love me 'like that'. Talk about a fall! Anyhow.....

I feel like I've spent a lot of my life trying to get someone to understand who I am and it's never happened. Is there such a thing as finding someone who really does want to know who you are and understand how you think and feel? I think that's what makes me feel so alone in this world. Maybe one reason I come here.

As you're a Christian it would be a good idea to pray about it I've said it before in Christian psychology there are two different terms one is a soul bond and the other one is humans are imperfect humans are innately selfish so if a child hasn't been given a balanced upbringing it can't give back a balanced relationship in adulthood I remember a pastor saying to me my mind was like a radio but it wasn't tuned correctly so I couldn't get the right station the indicator I was in the wrong position that's what it's like with imbalance at the time I was experiencing schizophrenia , going back to relationships a soul bond happens between two humansand it doesn't suddenly not exist because you are no longer amicable unless you get therapy for it that part of you is damaged then appears to be an attraction for somebody else who is damaged I don't understand why going back to the second term selfishness you are still damaged from the first relationship and or experiencing selfishness from second one and then the third probably not getting the right kind of therapy so now you are damaged from three relationships talking is good on a forum but you need to talk to a therapist where your mind is safe

 

[czx85]

Me too I'm struggling in my marriage as well. He has interest to understand me, and sometimes better than myself as well...
But I'm feeling everything is tearing apart now.

 

[Streetwise]

@Pats I share some of your feelings. I work really hard to understand others but find they rarely show the same degree of interest in getting to know me. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who really wanted to know who I am as opposed to wanting my attention. But I haven't tried to get others to understand who I am in the way you described (maybe because I'm not asd). It's just that I've hoped others would try to do so.

The motto of the SAS (special army services) British 'who dares wins'something to ponder

 

[Alexej]

I feel like I've spent a lot of my life trying ... to understand who I am

Sorry for misquoting you - but do you know who you are?

I ask, not knowing who I am.

In order to arrive there,
To arrive where you are, to get from where you are not,
You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy.
In order to arrive at what you do not know
You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
In order to possess what you do not possess
You must go by the way of dispossession.
In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.
And what you do not know is the only thing you know
And what you own is what you do not own
And where you are is where you are not

Quote by T.S. Eliot: “To arrive where you are, to get from where you ...”

I came across this like in a poem 30 years ago and have been living this question since

 

[Major Tom]

I've been married for 17 going on 18 years and we are more like disgruntled roommates than anything.

I did have some platonic relationships with friends who I think understood me, but 2 of them died when I was really young, and the other two are living halfway around the world.

I can understand where you are coming from though recently. Maybe try getting a pet. They love you for who you are and NEVER stab you in the back.

 

[Pats]

Sorry for misquoting you - but do you know who you are?

I think part of it may be always trying to figure that out. Not being diagnosed until 59, maybe I looked for someone to understand me and who I was - maybe so I could accept myself and understand me a little better? Once diagnosed, it was hard getting those from my past to accept the diagnosis, so made me feel more like they never understood me (talking siblings here). My diagnosis actually helped me understand myself a little better. So I won't say I know who I am, but I know a little better than I did before.

@Major Tom I've got a big dog, a little dog and fish. I'm not sure just how well they understand me.

@Streetwise sometimes I do wish I could talk to a therapist - but I don't open up to them because I'm too nervous. I end up doing the masking.

 

[Mia]

So I ask those of you with good, strong marriages - in a real relationship do you feel the other does know who you are?

Not exactly and I've been married for a long time. He understands me better than my own siblings or mother ever did. Only my father ever really understood me as much as you can ever know anyone. Probably because we had similar personalities.

And the fact is at sixty, there is little desire for people to understand me. It seems as if I understand myself somewhat, the good and the bad and the in between. I've plumbed the depths, reaching right into the darkest parts and made peace with some of it. Really worked at trying to understand myself, and didn't know for quite a long time.

Listened to other people most of my life, they must know, because they were so intelligent or wise or together. Recall the day my closest friend said I should be a teacher. And I was disappointed realizing how little she understood me. Being hyperactive, easily bored intellectually, with little patience. Can't sit through a three hour movie, could never be a teacher, it would be like tying me to a chair in a room with a bunch of people and making me talk.

Don't think that we can expect others to truly know or understand us. It's a nice thought, although I'm not sure it's possible. Maybe for some there is such a thing as a soul mate. In our lifetimes we change so much. How can anyone really know anyone else all that well?

 

[wight]

I think my wife understands me, as far as that is possible. It is difficult for one person to truly know another...make that very difficult. Since we can't read minds, understanding and knowing rely on communication, trust, vulnerability. I count myself lucky to have found someone I can be these things with...a 2 way street.

 

[Aspychata]

Hey Pats
Maybe you are saying we didn't meet someone who really wanted to know us- all of us- validate us- for us.
Alot of people marry and divorce so l guess it's a long shot if it does happen with or without marriage. Maybe just try being friends- maybe marriage was a wrong path for some of us. I regret my marriage but l am thankful for my daughter.
Anyways, you are not alone- many people feel this way.

 

[Streetwise]

I think part of it may be always trying to figure that out. Not being diagnosed until 59, maybe I looked for someone to understand me and who I was - maybe so I could accept myself and understand me a little better? Once diagnosed, it was hard getting those from my past to accept the diagnosis, so made me feel more like they never understood me (talking siblings here). My diagnosis actually helped me understand myself a little better. So I won't say I know who I am, but I know a little better than I did before.

@Major Tom I've got a big dog, a little dog and fish. I'm not sure just how well they understand me.

@Streetwise sometimes I do wish I could talk to a therapist - but I don't open up to them because I'm too nervous. I end up doing the masking.

Pray I always remember there was an amazing list of names for God all in Hebrew and then there was a sermon where Jesus was likened 2 to a lot of different things Jesus as the ultimate therapist do you write things down

 

[Aspychata]

Pats
I worked a very upscale retail in a famous tourist spot and a lot of older woman told me if they divorced - they wouldn't remarry. That kinda tells me they aren't happy in their marriages but the economics force them to stay in It.
I had a middle age couple come in and the wife mouthed off something about the husband- the husband's comeback, you better be quiet or l will trade you in for a younger one. I was flabbergasted. Maybe the odds aren't that great to begin with.

 

[SusanLR]

I don't think anyone has ever understood me or cared to.
Friendships, relationships always ended. Things got worse instead of better the more we got
to know each other.

The only person that seemed to truly understand and was unconditional with me was my Mom.
But, then she knew me since birth. She should understand me.
Dad, not so much. He wasn't with me as much as she was. Probably why.

Currently the relationship between the man I live with and myself is as @Major Tom said, like disgruntled
room mates.
A lot of arguments, but, neither of us have any family or friends, so we try to make it work because
we are senior citizens and don't want to be alone. It's a big house. He has his side and I have mine.

 

[Thinx]

I studied relationship dynamics and related areas in great depth and worked in that area for many years. I feel as I have boringly said here before, a key area is attachment security, the levels of each individuals development from first family in this area, the effects of subsequent relationships, plus their own personalities and social factors are all in the mix.

I noticed over the years that people with insecure attachment styles were the vast majority of those seeking help, and that the best help was very often to support them in relating in ways that could extend each person's level of attachment security.

Adding autism into the mix gives an additional challenge, for example if NT and ND they may likely have very different processing styles and preferences, and may have a logic versus emotions clash, added that most couples seeking help have huge frustrations where communication has got upsetting and unsupportive.

I also felt the difference in gender socialisation was very noticeable as an added factor in heterosexual couple relationship difficulties. I think it's very common for people to have a number of relationships that have been significantly difficult, given all these factors aswell as additional life challenges at work, at home and in society, as many of us do, our relationships take the strain.

My feeling in seeing what a lot of couples were up against was that they also often needed a broader base of support, so lacking for many, especially if family were unsupportive or problematic, or required support from them which wasn't reciprocal.

My own relationships followed these patterns, and my experience is that the gradually higher my level of ability to understand and support myself in challenging situations, including relating, the better my relationships have been, in my family, with friends and colleagues, and with a significant other.

Complicated by insecure childhood attachments, gender socialisation and work and life challenges, plus not least the elusive puzzle piece that was ASD this has been a lifetimes journey.

I tend to think that what we can get is understanding of aspects of us, from varied sources. A colleague who sees aspects of our skills in action and feeds that back; a partner who appreciates aspects of who we are, and let's us know; friends or family who see certain aspects of us that are significant.

But to really appreciate the varied potential of these recognitions, I need to be secure enough to take the feedback in, and say to myself, hey, yes, they got that right about me! Insecurity may have me saying, oh they're just being kind... Or, oh, fine, but if they really knew me, they'd see how crazy I am overall. Etc etc.

 

[Kirsty]

I did have some platonic relationships with friends who I think understood me, but 2 of them died when I was really young

This is one of my worst fears and being left alone in the big bad world. They are at least 16 years older than me; almost 20, but I can’t connect with them individually and only in a group when we meet. They understand and accept me completely.

 

[Streetwise]

This is one of my worst fears and being left alone in the big bad world. They are at least 16 years older than me; almost 20, but I can’t connect with them individually and only in a group when we meet. They understand and accept me completely.

accept(concentrate more on the feelings and less on the logic ,if there are feelings you try to avoid a lot face them in a very slow wayAnd know this growing is not painless -i’m saying that so you start to reconnect the neurons that help you with pain relief))in yourself that you can’t be alone I’m still facing that can’t say anymore as it refers to religion

 

[GadAbout]

My husband and I are compatible. I doubt either of us understands the other. I don't need that, I need unfailing emotional support, and that, I get.

 

[Schism]

@Pats
I feel for you, I feel pretty similar. It's quite dispairing thinking back. Hindsight is both a blessing and a curse.

But every relationship you had was real at the time. Everything that happened. There were highs & the inevitable lows.

We all (are taught to even) search for our soul mate. But in reality, if you met an identical you, could you tolerate them? I don't think I could put up with me for long. Differences are good if they can be balanced.

I don't have any advice really but I just wanted to say, you are not alone. I get a lot out of this forum too ☺

 

[Pats]

Wow. A lot of interesting and well thought comments. I actually expected some 'yes it happens' comments. It's a lonely world out there, isn't it? Do people settle? Like does a physical presence make them less alone, so they accept that without the "I like who you are and enjoy spending my time with you?" Maybe I looked for the wrong thing. I wanted love when all I got was a person needing someone to fit this role. I don't want to be a 'role' or a 'filler'. There's no real caring there.

Actually, I don't think I was ever meant to be in a relationship. You know, my first husband (whom I ended up hating to the point it was hard for me to even look at him without feeling sick), told me I was his second choice, that my sister was his first. My last would refuse to watch my favorite tv show but would invite me to sit with him and watch (his words) my sister's favorite show and would remember things from high school, like watching me climb the stairs in this really short dress (which was my sister - I never wore dresses in high school). Maybe that's one of the things I loved about my second husband - he never even met anyone in my family, except my mom and 1 aunt. And he did treat me with much respect and would make other's around me act respectful in front of me and so on. He's also the person who taught me to stand up for myself more. I used to ask him how we were doing and he'd always answer he had no complaints. But he's also the one who I wasn't even allowed to check the mail. Or we'd be on the truck together and I'd be hungry but I'd have to be able to answer something before he stopped - like 'what's on the back of a pepto bismal tablet'. (FBI said a form of brainwashing, but I don't know).

And @Schism I really am easy to get along with, but no, I wouldn't want an identical me - it'd be crazy and the arguments would be more like, "No, I want you to have it." lol

@Streetwise I seldom pray for myself because I know I've been blessed and do have more than I need. And Jesus is my daily companion who knows me better than I know myself - thanks for that reminder.

@Thinx everything you said is very interesting - I need to go back and read it again.

@SusanLR sorry - I feel your frustrations. I like your and @Major Tom disgruntled roommate theory.

@Aspychata you and I are so often on the same note and I've seen a lot of that, too. The wife is financially dependent.