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Introduction-Helena

HelenaP

New Member
Hi, I am 43 and have been diagnosed 3 years ago. I also have an autistic child.
While the diagnosis is liberating, i am having a difficult time unmasking and processing my memories and traumas with this new lens.
I struggle with understanding emotions and analyzing past relationships, but have been able to prevent / manage meltdowns a bit better since the diagnosis. Also stiming as i have masked for so long, I don’t know what i need…
I sometimes want to tell everyone but i fear the bad reactions from people such as “i am a little autistic too, how fun,” “i am so sorry for you,” and my least favorite: “no you are not autistic,”
Looking for advice.
 
Hi Helena, welcome to the forums. Read other people's posts and join in the conversations, they're all friendly people here. As for acceptance, I found that was fine with strangers but my family and friends I had from childhood just ridiculed me. I don't know those people any more.
 
Unmasking Autism is a good book.

EMDR therapy is what I'm doing regarding trauma and it's very effective. Also Gabor Maté is worth looking up on Youtube and also his books.

Ed
 
Hi Helena, welcome to the forums. Read other people's posts and join in the conversations, they're all friendly people here. As for acceptance, I found that was fine with strangers but my family and friends I had from childhood just ridiculed me. I don't know those people any more.
Thank you for sharing this. Interesting how strangers were more accepting in your case than close relatives. That is sad and I believe is why I don’t want to share with the few 1/2 siblings i am close to. I need to accept myself all over again now and can’t handle their rejection on top.
 
welcome to af.png
 
Hello, psychologist told me after my diagnosis to really think about who you want to tell , will it be beneficial to you or hurtful?I have found that most people don’t understand what autism is . And if you try to educate some NT people they get offended.

Emotional regulation is a big problem for me as well . There are lots of threads with information and personal stories to help . If you ever need any advice on things you may need help with let me know.
 
@HelenaP, welcome!

Masking/camouflaging one's autism is both difficult to do, and not do. As one might say, "Damned if you do, and damned if you don't". If you are in a lifestyle where you don't have to hide who your are, that would be best for your mental health. Unfortunately, most people have to deal with other people in some capacity, so often times being "yourself" is a delicate balancing act. "Do this, not that" mental discussions with your inner monologue can be mentally exhausting over the course of a day, but it also creates these little "processing delays" that can be detected subconsciously by other people. Throw in our natural tendency to think "outside the box" with sometimes unconventional ideas. Throw in our sometimes odd sense of humor, our voice inflection may be odd, our body language may be subtly odd, etc. They sense "something is off", not really able to pinpoint exactly what it is, the amygdala (fear center) in their brain gets a bit "tickled" and the next thing you know they are backing away from you with a polite smile on their face. Sometimes being pleasant, respectful, and a genuinely good person is not enough if the other person is sensing "something not right" even at a subconscious level.

Many of us also have some degree of "mind-blindness" where we might not pick up on all the subtle emotional cues, voice modulation, facial micro expressions, body language, etc. and as a result, we might not understand fully what is being expressed during an interaction with another person. Many of us also have some degree of alexithymia, a condition where there is a mind-body disconnection with various emotional states. We may sense that an interaction is not going well, we may have some physical sensations in our body to tell us "something is off", but it may be minutes, hours, even days before we can sort out what emotions were being expressed. Then, we have the epiphany of what really went down, and then we find ourselves revisiting, reanalyzing, and often in a position where we need to apologize to the other person, mainly because we were clueless or misinterpreted, and the conversation degraded to something it was never intended.

Be cautious with whom you "out yourself". If you have family members that have "cemented a moral diagnosis" of you, an Asperger's/ASD-1 diagnosis might actually push them further away from you. If you are meeting someone for the first time, sometimes it may be the best time to discuss autism because then they will put your behaviors within a different context, and not some personality disorder that they fear.

We can talk on and on about this.
 
Unmasking Autism is a good book.

EMDR therapy is what I'm doing regarding trauma and it's very effective. Also Gabor Maté is worth looking up on Youtube and also his books.

Ed
Hi Ed, just got the book, thank you! I really like Mr. Maté’s take on trauma. I think he is spot on. I have not heard of EMDR, but will check it out. Truly appreciate it.
 
Another one to look into:

Internal Family Systems. It's a book that is a self-therapy and highly effective for a lot of people.

Written by Jay Earley, it's on Amazon in various formats:

"Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition"

I think there's a 3rd edition now.

Ed
 
Welcome.
That's the first thing my mom said to me, no you aren't. When she has a lot of the traits. It takes time for us. We aren't great at changes. Maybe try a little patience with others around you. We see the world so clearly, and can't understand other's perceptions. But we don't walk in their shoes, and they don't walk in our shoes.

I homeschooled my child who clearly has high functioning autism at this point. I only hope her partner doesn't abuse her. She was in a relationship pretty quickly in life. My biggest concern is that she was able to make a living and good choices in life, and that l gave her the correct tools to navigate life as a warrior and not as a doormat.
 
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Hello and welcome! Yes, dissolving the mask is very difficult. For me, it has been hugely helpful to spend time here and read the experience of others and find so many ways to manage and even appreciate the parts of myself that I was trying to hide and destroy for so long. I hope you have a great experience here. We are here for you.
 
Hi and welcome.

It is an strange experience to suddenly have a new way of re-examining all that went before in a new clarified way. I don't know what to suggest as far as how to process it, though others seem to have made some good recommendations. I have never been attracted to the psychology aspect of things. Don't be afraid to experiment with your own ideas of how to examine it. I'll give you one example from my own re-examination. One of the goals was to come to grips with fears that have been with me lifelong. I used goggle earth to actually find physical locations of places in my childhood where i suspected some fears originated. I am a very visual thinker and the process was very productive I think. Seeing places safely from a bird's eye view took away a lot of the built up aversion to facing things. Not a practical suggestion probably, but an example of being creative in your approach to routing out the bugbears.
 
@HelenaP, welcome!

Masking/camouflaging one's autism is both difficult to do, and not do. As one might say, "Damned if you do, and damned if you don't". If you are in a lifestyle where you don't have to hide who your are, that would be best for your mental health. Unfortunately, most people have to deal with other people in some capacity, so often times being "yourself" is a delicate balancing act. "Do this, not that" mental discussions with your inner monologue can be mentally exhausting over the course of a day, but it also creates these little "processing delays" that can be detected subconsciously by other people. Throw in our natural tendency to think "outside the box" with sometimes unconventional ideas. Throw in our sometimes odd sense of humor, our voice inflection may be odd, our body language may be subtly odd, etc. They sense "something is off", not really able to pinpoint exactly what it is, the amygdala (fear center) in their brain gets a bit "tickled" and the next thing you know they are backing away from you with a polite smile on their face. Sometimes being pleasant, respectful, and a genuinely good person is not enough if the other person is sensing "something not right" even at a subconscious level.

Many of us also have some degree of "mind-blindness" where we might not pick up on all the subtle emotional cues, voice modulation, facial micro expressions, body language, etc. and as a result, we might not understand fully what is being expressed during an interaction with another person. Many of us also have some degree of alexithymia, a condition where there is a mind-body disconnection with various emotional states. We may sense that an interaction is not going well, we may have some physical sensations in our body to tell us "something is off", but it may be minutes, hours, even days before we can sort out what emotions were being expressed. Then, we have the epiphany of what really went down, and then we find ourselves revisiting, reanalyzing, and often in a position where we need to apologize to the other person, mainly because we were clueless or misinterpreted, and the conversation degraded to something it was never intended.

Be cautious with whom you "out yourself". If you have family members that have "cemented a moral diagnosis" of you, an Asperger's/ASD-1 diagnosis might actually push them further away from you. If you are meeting someone for the first time, sometimes it may be the best time to discuss autism because then they will put your behaviors within a different context, and not some personality disorder that they fear.

We can talk on and on about this.
Wow, you know me so well :) i really appreciate everything here, but specially the part about how it may take days to realize what happened in a social interaction. I will be careful with who i share that the Aspergers diagnosis and will read a few more times. Really reassuring.
 
@HelenaP

In regret telling my older brother , it went bad real fast. I really haven’t associated with him much since. Especially since I always supported him in anyway that I could.

And the one time I asked for help and understanding some people just destroyed me . That was hard . So just be careful. I should have taken the advice.

And I would get so tired trying to explain the science and psychology about autism to the people around me I just gave up.
 
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Welcome! While they're very limited in number, I've had my share of people who seem to take an negative view of the spectrum, and so I no longer do so unless I'm pretty sure the other party would be receptive/understanding, which most commonly occurs when they seem to suggest that they're neurodiverse themselves.
 
Hi, I am 43 and have been diagnosed 3 years ago. I also have an autistic child.
While the diagnosis is liberating, i am having a difficult time unmasking and processing my memories and traumas with this new lens.
I struggle with understanding emotions and analyzing past relationships, but have been able to prevent / manage meltdowns a bit better since the diagnosis. Also stiming as i have masked for so long, I don’t know what i need…
I sometimes want to tell everyone but i fear the bad reactions from people such as “i am a little autistic too, how fun,” “i am so sorry for you,” and my least favorite: “no you are not autistic,”
Looking for advice.
Hello and welcome!

I resonate very much with your final words and dread hearing them ever said to me; I don't know how I'd respond.
 
Hello and welcome!

I resonate very much with your final words and dread hearing them ever said to me; I don't know how I'd respond.
I responded with agreement because the person is a friend. I said "you know better I suppose…." And is so absurd that some will think it over. Sometimes it can be well intended, meaning the person doesn’t want you to have what they perceive as a "something bad". Inside i get all triggered and start questioning my reality. Just the worse.
 

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