Interactions Are Awkward, Not People

[Beguiling Orbit]

I frequently read posts that describe Aspies as being “socially awkward” and “lacking social skills.” For example, here’s a quote from a British online community for NTs that are in relationships with Aspies: “NTs are wired differently to those with AS and have usually developed the social skills that the AS person lacks” (Source: https://www.different-together.co.uk/neurotypical). Just because NTs vastly outnumber us, does that make us the awkward ones? I vehemently disagree with that assertion.

The way I see it, it’s the interaction (especially between people who have differeing neurological wiring) that can be awkward, not one of the people in that interaction. As an Aspie, I bear the scars from a lifetime of awkward interactions with NTs. So does my Aspie wife. Does that mean that we are BOTH awkward whenever we interact with one another? Of course not. From the day we met, our relationship has been natural, not forced. My daughter (from a previous marriage to an NT) describes us as “having an easy way with one another.” When we met, did we somehow suddenly develop the social skills that we had always lacked? Of course not. We Aspies have our own set of social rules and are much more easily able to “get” one another.

I understand that there’s probably not much that we can do about NTs characterizing Aspies as “socially awkward” and “lacking social skills.” After all, it’s their world so their social rules have to come along with it. But why must we characterize ourselves and our fellow Aspies that way? We have a difficult enough time getting along in this world without putting that additional burden on ourselves.

 

[Aryanna]

Wouldn’t an interaction be twice as awkward with 2 people with asperger’s? I need some more explanation lol

 

[Ambi]

Wouldn’t an interaction be twice as awkward with 2 people with asperger’s? I need some more explanation lol

I have wondered that! I only know Aspies for sure online - and that has been a very good experience here due to a great group of people and good moderators, but I have been on a different forum where it was pretty bad. The few people whom I suspect have ASD in real life are quite awkward to converse with, if I can engage them at all. But I bet this really depends on the person.

 

[Gritches]

In my experience, a conversation between two Aspies pursuing a common goal is an efficient and effective exchange of information and/or ideas between two people. It feels very natural to me. It's NTs that make it weird; your cousin's cat has what to do with anything, exactly?

 

[OkRad]

I have wondered that, too, like if we were all in a room, would we get along? Would we communicate well? Maybe the first time, then no? Maybe not the first time, then Yes?

Would we do better than NT's? I noticed this when I relocated to the deep south to a university town in Canada. It was such a shift, I wondered......are there places where social pressures are less, thus less "awkwardness"?

But I agree, we are not INTRINSICALLY socially awkward. It is the situations we might get into.........

 

[Suzanne]

I was chatting with this man and suddenly thought: he is talking like me. Rather rushed and not taking much of a breath. I wondered if he has aspergers, but too shy to ask.

Later when I mentioned him to my husband, he said: actually, I went to visit them and thought: I might as well be talking to my wife.

I felt no social awkwardness with him.

I have met two aspies in life and neither of them, did I feel ok with and they are not the same sex ie a him and a her.

I find that if I feel ok in someone's company, social awkwardness is not there.

I know this woman, who I find incredably difficult to be natural around and thus, terribly social awkward around her, to the extent that I get confused.

Not every nt feels socially able. It all relates to their personality.

Two females who are nt's, think I am quite normal; nothing weird about me and yet, these are two females who I can relax around. Whereas the ones I feel horribly uncomfortable around, would say I am weird.

It is like empathy. It is sympathy that I find difficult. If someone has told me about an illness, I have to force myself to feel sympathy, because, in fact, I want to quiz them. Whereas I actually can imagine what it would feel like being in a person's shoes, even if I have not experienced it.

Just sunday gone, one of the ladies I feel ok around, told me that she senses I have immense empathy and went on to say, that not many do have that ability or want it. It was a bit disconcerting when she said: you have suffered very much, haven't you? I asked why she supposed that and she said: people who are empathetic, are people who have suffered and revealed to her a little bit and she revealed some things to me and we seem to have a unique bond now.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Wouldn’t an interaction be twice as awkward with 2 people with asperger’s? I need some more explanation lol

People who are wired similarly think more alike than those who are wired differently. Too many Aspies have bought into the notion that they are inferior social beings. This is just not true. We are not inferior--we are different. If the world was full of Aspies, we would be neurotypical and the NTs would be neurodivergent. In that situation, THEY would be the ones that had difficulty interacting with most people socially. Never let anyone tell you that you are awkward or socially inept. You're not. You're unique.

 

[Ambi]

An example where things can be awkward - a guy monologuing about magic. Can't change subjects, can't leave smoothly. Since he had no awAreness of the issue and hadn't tried to address it, it was very awkward for me. Or if a person is too blunt - I can be too blunt without realizing it - but I dislike being on the receiving end too. So I think the awkwardness can really increase between two aspies - I do not like being on the receiving end if certain behaviors I may be prone to, it feels awful, confusing, disrespectful sometimes. Also, my nt friends have extended so much social mercy/grace and patience towards my missteps - I do not know if other aspies would or if they'd let fly like I used to, get triggered, etc. I think some semblance of nt social skills are important for decent social interactions. Not the full load of it, but some. Just my opinion, though.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

An example where things can be awkward - a guy monologuing about magic. Can't change subjects, can't leave smoothly. Since he had no awAreness of the issue and hadn't tried to address it, it was very awkward for me. Or if a person is too blunt - I can be too blunt without realizing it - but I dislike being on the receiving end too. So I think the awkwardness can really increase between two aspies - I do not like being on the receiving end if certain behaviors I may be prone to, it feels awful, confusing, disrespectful sometimes. Also, my nt friends have extended so much social mercy/grace and patience towards my missteps - I do not know if other aspies would or if they'd let fly like I used to, get triggered, etc. I think some semblance of nt social skills are important for decent social interactions. Not the full load of it, but some. Just my opinion, though.

I think there is an "aspie" way to handle those situations with grace. Whenever I'm monologuing for too long my wife says, "you're perseverating, honey." That shuts it down without hurting my feelings. Perhaps two aspies can decide at the beginning of a relationship to give one another permission to shut down perseverations. Two NTs probably wouldn't create a social rule like that, but perhaps two aspies could, and might even appreciate it.

 

[Ambi]

I think there is an "aspie" way to handle those situations with grace. Whenever I'm monologuing for too long my wife says, "you're perseverating, honey." That shuts it down without hurting my feelings. Perhaps two aspies can decide at the beginning of a relationship to give one another permission to shut down perseverations. Two NTs probably wouldn't create a social rule like that, but perhaps two aspies could, and might even appreciate it.

That is so true. The only situations I have been in were ones in which neither person knew the other was on the spectrum. I suspected I was, but not as heavily as I do now (and no one else knows this about me but my husband and possibly 2 close friends - if they haven't forgotten). One guy - his parents told me they thought he was, but there was no real diagnosis. The other two guys, it's also an guess - the shoe really seems to fit, and I did hear about an anonymous disclosure that really seemed to fit - bit in all cases, there was not a mutual knowledge, so we were not able to to set up ground rules. Once ground rules were set up, I think such a friendship could be marvelous!