1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Featured Intense anxiety and making friends.

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by 10PurpleHippopotamuses, Oct 5, 2018.

  1. 10PurpleHippopotamuses

    10PurpleHippopotamuses Active Member

    Messages:
    20
    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2018
    Karma:
    +22
    How have some of you made friends when you have extreme anxiety?

    I'm not in school, and I'm not comfortable going to public spaces, especially places that are supposed to be social, but I also want to have friends. It gets lonely always being at home by myself, but I also don't know how to comfortably meet people. On top of that, how would I meet people that are more apt to be ok with me being perpetually awkward?

    I don't know... Just a general question of how to make friends.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 3
  2. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,977
    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +3,172
    Are you living alone? Do you have any special interests? Sometimes it's easier to relate to new people around a common interest. Maybe you could get into some activities that reflect your interests. That way you can talk about the activity and not have to focus on yourself right away. Google the meet-ups in your area- these are group activities around a special interest or group of like minded people.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  3. 10PurpleHippopotamuses

    10PurpleHippopotamuses Active Member

    Messages:
    20
    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2018
    Karma:
    +22
    No, I don't live alone. I live with my parents, but I stay in my bedroom.

    I'm not sure what would he deemed a special interest. Usually, I just play games and watch TV; if I'm not working, of course.

    I've had others suggest meetups, but my parents have always told me meetups, online dating, or anything that involves meeting people from online, is creepy, and when I tried online dating a few years ago, it went horribly. Both of those reasons keep me from doing something like that.

    Not to mention, from what I've read, meetups involve large groups. Group things and I don't mix. I don't even go to family gatherings.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  4. ariannegarcia

    ariannegarcia writer/blogger/artist

    Messages:
    23
    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2017
    Karma:
    +29
    Try meetup.com in your city. Think of activities that you'd like to do with other people. Something I think would be comfortable are playing board games, drawing, kareoke (if you like to sing), or even just talking about different topics.

    Meeting people from online sounds creepy, it does, but ultimately it's beneficial to you. It's easier to make the first jump if you consider it from an economical perspective, like craigslist or something. I've made lots of real life friends from online messages where my overall personality can come across. It's also easier because when you meet in person you aren't technically strangers anymore.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  5. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just another person V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    634
    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,427
    There is a meetup.com in my area for Aspies! They plan an event and then you sign up and everyone that is going is listed along with their profile.
    I joined but haven’t gone to any of their events yet, I’m, you know, too scared. But I know it’s there if I get the courage.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  6. OrdinaryCitizen

    OrdinaryCitizen Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    139
    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2018
    Karma:
    +130
    I live in Los Angeles and every time i try to connect with someone on meetup.com either events i like are in a month or people are into some stuff that i cannot relate to. So no it never worked for me.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  7. DCA

    DCA Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    310
    Joined:
    May 31, 2018
    Karma:
    +350
    100% of my current group of friends revolve around my gaming hobby & playing D&D. So using something you're interested in to socialize is a great way to start the process. Best of all small talk in this group consists of actual meaningful things, like latest releases & such...
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  8. OrdinaryCitizen

    OrdinaryCitizen Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    139
    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2018
    Karma:
    +130
    Me personally i cannot force myself to enjoy gossiping about anything trivial.

    I like something that make my mind work hard and analyze things not just exchange of simple facts over a cup of coffee.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  9. 10PurpleHippopotamuses

    10PurpleHippopotamuses Active Member

    Messages:
    20
    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2018
    Karma:
    +22
    You and I both. That's why when people say you shouldn't discuss deep things like religion and politics, it automatically makes me uncomfortable around them. I'm not sure why anything shouldn't be up for discussion.

    I don't have a brain just to discuss the weather.
     
  10. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just another person V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    634
    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,427
    But you have to start by exchanging simple facts before you can analyze those facts. Exchanging facts over coffee is fun.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  11. 10PurpleHippopotamuses

    10PurpleHippopotamuses Active Member

    Messages:
    20
    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2018
    Karma:
    +22
    I guess it just depends on the person. Over coffee discussions are always awkward when I'm involved.
     
  12. DCA

    DCA Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    310
    Joined:
    May 31, 2018
    Karma:
    +350
    I don't drink coffee myself, so doubly awkward...

    Small talk is a skill that unfortunately you have to acquire if you want to fit in. If you learn how to make the minimum level of pleasantries this helps & helps keep your sanity. For most small talk questions if you say "good" its probably the right answer haha!
     
  13. OrdinaryCitizen

    OrdinaryCitizen Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    139
    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2018
    Karma:
    +130
    Majority people have an opinion about this subjects that might be different from yours (even if its wrong) and if you try to make them change their opinion they will get defensive and it will turn into argument or very intense debate that will make them uncomfortable and likely they will not want to talk with you again or think your leftie or communist or whatever label they been thought to apply to people who thinks differently.

    Also apply to for any subject that is important to the person not just politics and religion, if your opinions about something person considers important are different then it turns into debate or worse since each thinks they know the truth and try to convince another person. When they get emotional it does not matter what facts you use they will not hear them. and most likely this subjects you discuss are not "exact science" so you cannot 100% prove your point of view.

    People now days all interested in networking and getting ahead in life trough people they know so they tend to be overly diplomatic and only discuss silly things that they know will not hurt their opponents feelings or even agree with things they think are wrong to avoid argument and quickly switch subject.
    That tactics is considered to be socially smart and there's lots of people who employ it, too bad this people always be just a spineless schmucks.

    IMO Men should always insist on what they think is right and get their point across to others and this social games are for girls and politicians.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2018
  14. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,418
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +2,965
    What is it with you and 'girls'?
    I found just the opposite to be true. When I was younger and would agree to go out with a guy but I would let him know it was just a single date and I was not looking for any kind of relationship and nothing physical, they would agree on the date but the next day calling me wanting to move in together. Who's playing the games here? I - a female - was being up front and honest. It was the men who was looking for someone to spend the rest of their lives with and pretending to be who they thought I wanted them to be. Not the other way around.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  15. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,418
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +2,965
    Purplehippo - :) You're young and need to find a way to socialize. I never knew how. My sister used to suggest I do this or that to meet people - like take up tennis. I would say, then I meet people that are interested in something I have no interest in. I usually wasn't liked by co-workers so that was out. Do things you enjoy doing and if someone sees you enjoying yourself they may just come up to you.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  16. Graphin

    Graphin Master procrastinator

    Messages:
    372
    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2018
    Karma:
    +378
    Regarding socialising, a key thing I've been trying to find out is how to even meet the right people. The only (better than randomly talking to people on the street) and not even effective way I know is through interests, maybe forums like here.
    If you do not feel like you're socializing, you probably aren't, no matter what NT's say.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Aspie_With_Attitude

    Aspie_With_Attitude Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    176
    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2018
    Karma:
    +170
    Good news is, I just made a video Blog on how to make friends under "Aspie With Attitude", this already helped out a couple of people on our spectrum. Maybe have a try watching and listening to this video and see how you feel about it. I am a social animal, that's how I came up with this video.



    I don't expect results from everybody on our spectrum, I hope this helps and does the job for you. All you need to do is listen carefully and I apologise if the background music gets distracting for you since I love art and music.
     
  18. OlLiE

    OlLiE Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    764
    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2017
    Karma:
    +1,311
    make sure:
    - friendship is a two way street, do you want a friendship or attention from someone
    - why do you want friends: do you really want friends or do you assume because others have friends that you should have friends to be happy
    - if you want friends, start with a single friend, that may already be demanding enough

    i was much happier when i realised that i don't need friends to be happy, i have my wife and that is all i need

    but everyone is different :)
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  19. 2205

    2205 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    52
    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2014
    Karma:
    +76
    I think there are 2 separate problems with making friends.

    1) How to meet new people
    2) How to form a friendship when you already know a person

    Most answers here address only the first one - how to meet people. Yes, might be complicated but generally there are some ways as also mentioned here (through common interest, online). Small talk and getting to know someone is usually learnable.

    For me, much more difficult part is what to do with that new person after you met and maybe talked once (or many times). I can be nice and ask about his/her hobbies or work or whatever but that’s not friendship. And from my personal experience, that “being nice” to someone never will become a friendship.

    So.. how do you form a friendship? What is a friendship anyway?
     
    • Useful Useful x 1
  20. Peter Morrison

    Peter Morrison Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    184
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +460
    Most friendships develop naturally from group activities and social situations. I had a thought that you should consider taking a class to learn something that interests you. Depending upon the class, you might interact with others on topics related to the learning objective. The regularity of the class means you can meet and see people again, and again. There is no mindless chit-chat. This could be an easy and stressless way to decide how to develop friendships with people. You are not obligated to socialize, but you can experience people's ways of conducting themselves without obligations to be buddies. A class would get you out of the house for a valid, useful reason. Find some way to inject activity into your world. Having something new could disrupt the monotony you are probably experiencing. Don't let depression set in. Remain active and follow your interests.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1