I'm a little lost

[Amanda0216]

I'm new here, please be gentle.
I have a question about my relationship (former relationship, actually).
I was dating someone who I suspect is on the spectrum. We met at the gym and I still see him there. He exhibited some peculiar behavior that I couldn't quite understand. He is extremely tense in public, makes nervous hand gestures or clenches his hands into fists, unable to make or maintain eye contact, and he seems to be sensitive to light.
Our relationship could be defined as casual FWB but I started to develop feelings for him and I wanted to be more present on his schedule. I wanted more time with him rather than our routine once a week movie at his place followed by sex. I expressed my desire to see him more and he seemed open to it but couldn't follow through. The more I pushed, the more he retreated. I was heart broken. I sent him a break up text and made a land mine statement; I told him that I really liked him but it didn't seem to be mutual and that I didn't want to get hurt. That was one week ago and we haven't spoken since. I would really like to talk to him but I'm not sure if I should contact him or just leave him alone.

 

[Aspieistj]

It is unfortunate that you assumed your last communication wouldn't end the relationship without an explanation. Do you think he is aware he may be an Aspie? Have you any idea how difficult it can be living as an NT /Aspie couple? Some folks do make it work, but both have to be very understanding AND accepting of their differences. Aspies can't be "cured" and most of us are angered by the idea that we actually need curing. If both people are extremely willing to be annoyed (perhaps challenged is a better word) on a daily basis simply because each person is terribly different from the other, the relationship could last. Personally, I have no wish to live with a NT who isn't a saint. It is so easy for an NT to wonder why Aspies simply don't stop being so different. In truth, a leopard can't change its spots and I don't feel it is acceptable to expect that leopard to become Sisyphus and try to roll a boulder uphill for the rest of his life.

 

[Amanda0216]

Thank you for that Aspieistj. I'm not sure that he is aware, it is possible. He has brought up AS in conversation, just not necessarily in regard to himself. I apologize if I've offended you. I do not understand AS, it is as alien to me as NT is to you but I have been trying to learn and to understand.

 

[Greg]

I would say depending on how much you connected with him and if you are ok with the behavior traits that he displays. An Aspie can be very challenging and I know for me my mood and the way that I feel about things can change rapidly.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

I think it's hard to assume this person is on the spectrum with this limited information. Whether they are or not, there are reasons they withdraw from intimacy.
The text you sent seemed to be a final statement- a decent example of why a person might find it difficult to be intimate with others- platonically or romantically. That is... if this person is actually worried about intimacy and it is not just a preference. I can't say whether either is true and I'm not sure if you are able to say, either by the information you have provided.

If you really like him, it's clear there with be some work between you two to develop the kind of relationship you are after. But you don't know why he seems to retreat.

In your position, given what you have thus far written, I would more likely change when I go to the gym, try to heal my heart and move on. But- I'm not in the situation right now, so I don't have specific details. I'm not you. And you don't know me, so I'm not sure how helpful my personal assessment really is.

I think regardless of whether they are on the spectrum, you have to peel away all that exterior and look at the behavior between you two- what is the dynamic of the relationship and how does it make you feel? is it something that can be overcome and do you think you will end up simply hurt with nothing gained?

 

[Suzanne]

Hello Amanda

First of all, it is a misnomer that we are cold hearted and thus, will stamp on your emotions! Aspies are very emotional people, as you will find out if you stick around.

He took your statement as literal. If someone texted me the same, I would not get in touch, because I would think: ah he doesn't want to know me. He translated your text as: I am hurting and do not like it and so this is the end. And thus, he stays away!

You have to be very strong emotionally to be with an aspie. Just talk to my husband and he will tell you want an uphill struggle it is with me! If I keep phoning him because he has said: you never phone, he will say: wow let a guy work and so, I don't phone and he then says: why do you never phone me; do you not think about me? I guess you are not missing me and whoa I am at a loss. He also says that I am either too quiet or too loud!

It is not just about being in love, Amanda, when you are involved with an aspie!

 

[Aspieistj]

Hi Amanda,

Here is a link to an Aspie's description of life wtih AS. I think it is a pretty good explanation.

Six phrases and questions likely to confuse people with Asperger’s. « Six phrases and questions likely to confuse people with Asperger’s. - Wrong Planet Wrong Planet

Nancy

 

[Amanda0216]

I worked up the courage to text him (as I said, it's been a week). Surprisingly he texted me right back. He said that he was pissed because I assumed that he was blowing me off because he's a loner and not very attentive. I apologized for being so rash. He asked if we could hang out again. I am relieved. I like him very much but he is by far the most difficult person for me to read. I've never met anyone like him.

 

[Ylva]

I'd like to point out, in addition to everything else that has been said here, that you didn't seem to be very specific. Whenever someone says to me: "we gotta hang out sometime", I'll go, "okay", and wait for the person to get in touch about when and where. Even knowing that they probably don't mean it that way it seems only fair. So if you told him "I want to see you more often", he may have gone around waiting for the specifics.

 

[Judge]

I like him very much but he is by far the most difficult person for me to read. I've never met anyone like him.

Were you initially attracted to him because he appears as a kind of social enigma, or in spite of it?

Just wondering. That's one social dynamic that kind of "haunts" me. I've honestly not understood precisely why NT women were interested in me in the beginning of any past relationship. Of course at the time, neither them or myself had a clue that I was an Aspie.

 

[Aspieistj]

I believe that if an Aspie and an NT enter into a conversation that really interests them, the NT will probably decide that Aspie is articulate, well informed and interesting. Now, if only a subject on which they don't agree never comes up, they will continue to enjoy each other's company. I find being an Aspie very painful because there are so many behaviors and beliefs in NTs that either don't interest me or make me annoyed. I very much wish I had been diagnosed in childhood instead of while in my 60s. Many schools now identify Aspies and offer some behavioral modification exercises to teach the Aspies how not to appear so unfeeling or opinionated. I watched a documentary in which a boy of 7 was in such a session and the scenario included another child who joined the group and reported that he had recently been so ill he had been hospitalized. The Aspie child immediately babbled, "Oh, I'm so sorry you've been sick. Are you better now?" Kids can learn how to react more sympathetically and naturally in these sessions. Even though I was near the end of my career, once I understood what was expected of me I learned to put my arm around the spouse of a patient who had just died, or to offer to hold someone's hand during a painful procedure. I never felt the need to be on the receiving end of such behavior, but when I finally understood how important it was to NTs I decided that even if I were only acting, the NT usually appreciated the behavior. I don't like feeling phony but if the alternative makes someone feel I don't care, I will "walk the walk and talk the talk." My dream is that some day NTs will understand Aspies well enough to adapt to OUR needs sometimes. I really don't want to be held and patted when I am miserable.

 

[Amanda0216]

I'd like to point out, in addition to everything else that has been said here, that you didn't seem to be very specific. Whenever someone says to me: "we gotta hang out sometime", I'll go, "okay", and wait for the person to get in touch about when and where. Even knowing that they probably don't mean it that way it seems only fair. So if you told him "I want to see you more often", he may have gone around waiting for the specifics.

Something very similar has happened between us. We were supposed to meet for breakfast but he was running late from getting his hair cut. He later texted me a picture of his haircut, which I complimented and he replied with a smiley face. THAT WAS IT. Later that night I asked if he wanted to reschedule for another day. He was a little peeved, he said I sent you a picture, you knew I was done, we could've met today.

 

[Amanda0216]

Were you initially attracted to him because he appears as a kind of social enigma, or in spite of it?

Just wondering. That's one social dynamic that kind of "haunts" me. I've honestly not understood precisely why NT women were interested in me in the beginning of any past relationship. Of course at the time, neither them or myself had a clue that I was an Aspie.

I like that he is quiet and insightful. When we are alone and he is relaxed, he is very sweet but timid. We are both homebodies, I appreciate that he doesn't expect me to get dressed to the nines and go out every weekend.

 

[Aspieistj]

I don't think my brother is an Aspie but this story could absolutely be about one. He was still in high school and I was younger. My mother had made a demonstration erupting volcano as a science lesson for her 4th grade class. After she used it she brought it home and placed it on the kitchen table. When my father came home from work, she demonstrated it for us. After the eruption settled she said to my brother, "Take this out and dump it in the garbage." Her words exactly. Later that evening she started a huge scene because she couldn't find the thing. My brother and I were called to the kitchen to help look for it. My brother said he had dumped it into the garbage as he had been told. He was completely accurate!!!! My father took off his belt and beat my brother because he was so stupid he never listened to, and followed instructions, correctly. ALL SHE HAD TO SAY WAS GO DUMP THE ASHES OUT!!!!!!! I am almost 71 and I still feel sick when I recall this quick decision to blame the damn kid. If it had been me who was beaten I think I would have gone to the police. I hope this injustice haunted her until the day she died. Neither of my parents ever accepted that my mother should have been more explicit.

 

[Suzanne]

I don't think my brother is an Aspie but this story could absolutely be about one. He was still in high school and I was younger. My mother had made a demonstration erupting volcano as a science lesson for her 4th grade class. After she used it she brought it home and placed it on the kitchen table. When my father came home from work, she demonstrated it for us. After the eruption settled she said to my brother, "Take this out and dump it in the garbage." Her words exactly. Later that evening she started a huge scene because she couldn't find the thing. My brother and I were called to the kitchen to help look for it. My brother said he had dumped it into the garbage as he had been told. He was completely accurate!!!! My father took off his belt and beat my brother because he was so stupid he never listened to, and followed instructions, correctly. ALL SHE HAD TO SAY WAS GO DUMP THE ASHES OUT!!!!!!! I am almost 71 and I still feel sick when I recall this quick decision to blame the damn kid. If it had been me who was beaten I think I would have gone to the police. I hope this injustice haunted her until the day she died. Neither of my parents ever accepted that my mother should have been more explicit.

Wow that is just awful and I can COMPLETELY understand why this haunts you! YES I would read it has throw the whole thing out! Why the heck couldn't she have said to throw the ASHES out?

Your brother's reaction was a very aspie thing to do and if he was whipped for being so stupid, then no doubt, it has caused your brother such awful memories, that he endeavours to hide what he is ie put the mask on.

Sadly this happens all too often, with a lack of understanding. Although my husband would not whip me, he has hit me and pushed me to the ground because of me being too literal and even now, despite gradually believing I am an aspie, he still thinks I can "grow out" of being an aspie and says that I am in the minority and so get used to it!

 

[Ylva]

Sadly this happens all too often, with a lack of understanding. Although my husband would not whip me, he has hit me and pushed me to the ground because of me being too literal and even now, despite gradually believing I am an aspie, he still thinks I can "grow out" of being an aspie and says that I am in the minority and so get used to it!

You are half the married couple he's a part of. Half isn't a minority.

Pushed you to the ground? Is he two years old? Take some aikido lessons.

 

[Judge]

Sadly this happens all too often, with a lack of understanding. Although my husband would not whip me, he has hit me and pushed me to the ground because of me being too literal and even now, despite gradually believing I am an aspie, he still thinks I can "grow out" of being an aspie and says that I am in the minority and so get used to it!

Sorry to hear. This is bad, Suzanne. It sounds like you very much need the intervention of a marriage counselor. Or an attorney. This doesn't sound like a situation you can emotionally or physically exist with indefinitely. No one can "deprogram" an Aspie into a Neurotypical. It's impossible. At the very least, your husband needs to understand this immediately.

Equally scary might be when one can emulate Neurotypical behavior, but then have it be mistaken for some miraculous transformation. I can fake it for a time, but I can never "be" Neurotypical literally speaking. I could see that as potentially confusing to some.

 

[Suzanne]

You are half the married couple he's a part of. Half isn't a minority.

Pushed you to the ground? Is he two years old? Take some aikido lessons.

Sorry to hear. This is bad, Suzanne. It sounds like you very much need the intervention of a marriage counselor. Or an attorney. This doesn't sound like a situation you can emotionally or physically exist with indefinitely. No one can "deprogram" an Aspie into a Neurotypical. It's impossible. At the very least, your husband needs to understand this immediately.

Equally scary might be when one can emulate Neurotypical behavior, but then have it be mistaken for some miraculous transformation. I can fake it for a time, but I can never "be" Neurotypical literally speaking. I could see that as potentially confusing to some.

I feel bad now for typing that, because to be fair on my husband, he has not attacked me in months and he has had plenty of chances to do so, but instead has walked away.

I need to learn when to back away rather than try to push for him to fully understand me. Just frustrating when I am not setting out to be competitive, but he obviously feels I am trying to say I am better than him and thus, hitting back emotionally ie you are in the minority; get used to it and the such!

I have sent him a link for female aspies and so, I do hope he will take a look soon enough! He is actually improving somewhat and so, it just means I need to be the strong one!

 

[Judge]

I feel bad now for typing that, because to be fair on my husband, he has not attacked me in months and he has had plenty of chances to do so, but instead has walked away.

I need to learn when to back away rather than try to push for him to fully understand me. Just frustrating when I am not setting out to be competitive, but he obviously feels I am trying to say I am better than him and thus, hitting back emotionally ie you are in the minority; get used to it and the such!

I have sent him a link for female aspies and so, I do hope he will take a look soon enough! He is actually improving somewhat and so, it just means I need to be the strong one!

I'd think to be fair to any wife, a husband should never attack his spouse for any reason. I'd want a marriage to be something well beyond a form of peaceful coexistence. Wishful thinking? Maybe...

Suzanne, in all honesty I see so many of your posts as a cry for help. There's nothing wrong in doing so. Ultimately we're here to support one another. I just don't think anyone should have to indefinitely deal with such circumstances. I do hope they change for the better.

 

[Larisa]

Later that evening she started a huge scene because she couldn't find the thing. My brother and I were called to the kitchen to help look for it. My brother said he had dumped it into the garbage as he had been told. He was completely accurate!!!! My father took off his belt and beat my brother because he was so stupid he never listened to, and followed instructions, correctly. ALL SHE HAD TO SAY WAS GO DUMP THE ASHES OUT!!!!!!! I am almost 71 and I still feel sick when I recall this quick decision to blame the damn kid. If it had been me who was beaten I think I would have gone to the police. I hope this injustice haunted her until the day she died. Neither of my parents ever accepted that my mother should have been more explicit.

I'm with you, Aspieistj
I've seen a lot my mother beat my sister because of 'backtalking'. But I heard everything and my sister was only answering the questions our angry mother yelled. Why was she asking questions if she hated to hear answers for them?!
I still can not understand it. It seems so theatrical and false to me...
I received a couple of backhanded strikes from mother as well but never so badly as my stubborn sister.
It's strange but I remember almost every physical strike I received in my life and I never comprehended an 'educational' purpose of those from my parents. I saw them just like as an outlet for cruelty and I got scared of my parents more and more.
Just like I never really understand the meaning of 'rewarding'.
I do what I can and I can't 'try harder' or 'get slackier' at will.
I can't motivate myself so I have to be creational to make myself complete the task I promised to do.