if friendship is transient, what's the point?

[smith2267]

If people can change friends like shoes, I want no part of it.
This dark bird flies alone.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I agree. I'm moving soon and I don't want to try to make any new friends there because I know from experience that they won't last long.

 

[Soup]

Aside from my husband, all my friends are here in Asperia. For me, the idea of them being transient has nothing to do with it: I need a lot of time to myself alone & with a guy on the scene, I have no 'people credits' left for any other social interacting. It literally exhausts me.

 

[King_Oni]

There's a lot of stuff in life that's apparently transient. It's all phases.

At least, that's from what I've gathered is how a lot of people live their lives. They get into "stuff" for a while, they have certain contacts for a while, things like that. I don't know a lot of people who have persistent activities and interests, bar a few aspies. And even there it's not really set in stone so to say.

 

[Arashi222]

I don't think all friendships are transient. I think that for a lot of us we just either don't want friendships and are ok with that and ok with the few social things we are either obligated to do or want to do. Or We have been burned and have issues even more with reaching out out of fear of being hurt again by friendships. I know that for me. I like to have maybe one or two close friendships I don't need a ton. In fact most people find me and then either drift away or stay.

 

[dwc780]

I have four friends that have proved to be in-transient thoughout my life. My sister who, while being neurotypical herself, seems to have a very innate understanding of Autistic Spectrum people and gets along with pretty much every single Aspie or AS person she has ever met; we developed a very close relationship early in our childhoods and have only grown closer. Second is a friend of mine I met on the first day of middle school, we lived close, our parents knew each other, so we car pooled; again, a neurotypical, but a stand up guy with a fantastic capacity for understanding and not being judgmental. He knows me and my oddity and accepts it even when he doesn't agree with it. He and I can go months and months without talking and pickup again as if we'd seen each other yesterday; I consider him an extension of my family. The third is a girl I dated early on in high school. One hell of a relationship, literally. She's an undiagnosed aspie, possibly bipolar (at the very least prone to bouts of serious depression). The fourth and final is probably the most "casual" and transient of all of them, but still a good friend I keep up with fairly well.

I've had plenty of people drift in and out of my life, and while I'm okay with people coming into my life as soon as they bail I'm pretty much done with them. Sure, I might stop around for a drink now and again or do something casual with them when I'm truly lonely (doesn't happen much, but it does happen), but I will never be the same to them. After they drift away once then all possibility of them ever getting close again disappears, I just don't have that capacity for trust a second time.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I sometimes which I could take the few good friends I have ever had in life and have them with me at all times. But at the end of the day life is transient. it changes from one day to the next. And we can't stop that. I feel sad that I have left some friends behind and I wish I could be a better friend. But we have to accept that life changes and we ultimately have to look out for number one.

Now days I'm more guarded about who I accept into my life. My husband doesn't like this. He wants me to be more open. But I would have to have a fairly good reason to put myself out there with someone and in a small minded town like I live in ... those worth the risk are few and far between.

 

[smith2267]

Sometimes I wonder if time is an illusion, and I am the only one not fooled by it. I too have feelings for friends I've made at all stages of my life. Unfortunately, they don't feel the same way.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

Sometimes I wonder if time is an illusion, and I am the only one not fooled by it. I too have feelings for friends I've made at all stages of my life. Unfortunately, they don't feel the same way.

I'm still waiting to hear the sound of the tardis lol

I find that friendship is an illusion mostly. All human interaction seems to be about nothing more than not offending other people, which means we all live in this massive illusion of niceness. I hate being false or dishonest and that just seems so dishonest.

The other day I ran into someone at the shops who I detest. And we exchanged a friendly hello. I felt so feral afterwards because I have just been so automatic with my response of niceness almost like I was trying to one up said person. I know this person I ran into would only be interested in learning stuff about me to gossip about (she has tried to hit up my husband for said information because they happen to work together). I just feel that this world is false because we cannot be who we want to be.

And therefore that reason makes friendships transient I believe. We go into a relationship (friendship what ever) with an illusion and when that illusion fails, we see what is really beneath. I think most people can't tolerate truth. So they wrap themselves in an illusion of reality. I'm glad I'm an aspie and that I can see and deal with truth because I ultimately don't want to deal with illusion.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I've had many transient friends, but I'm fine with that. People come into my life for a short time, depending on what stage in life I am in, and then they leave. Before I was married I hung out with a party crowd. When I was newly married and had no children, we spent some time with other childless couples, then as a new mom I sometimes HAD to spend time with other new moms (that was hell). Cripes, nothing worse that a helicopter mom going on and on about her brilliant two year old! But my daughter is our only child and unlike me, she likes most people. The problem I've had with friends is that their expectations for time together is too high or they gossip and feed on drama, which really annoys me. I have two really good friends, that I see once in awhile, which is perfect. And we have shared interests, which is good. One is a book person and the other is a water person. And then there is my family. That is more than enough social interaction for me. I am happy with limited social time. I like mostly being by myself. It is nice though, to have the option of telling someone about a great book I read.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

The problem I've had with friends is that their expectations for time together is too high or they gossip and feed on drama, which really annoys me.

I would have to say well put

I think of it like a pyramid in reference to that saying "Small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, great minds discuss ideas" with great minds at the top and small minds at the bottom. so it can be hard when you have a "great" mind and want to talk about ideas and you are surrounded by "small" people who just want to gossip. Don't get me wrong I sometimes enjoy a gossip but my heart craves and cries out for the mental challenge of a rant (random intellectual conversation on anything which often gets heated as said people defend their ideas). Kim karadashian's baby just does not interest me lol

 

[Soup]

I can't engage in that social small talk either. Dragon's Tooth. I never know what to say or what to ask & what kind of responses are normative. It is almost like a ritualized dance with set steps where one dancer is trying to do the tango & the other is trying to do the samba. Somewhere a consensus was established as to how the social dance goes & who does what & when. Verbally, this translates into how to do the chit-chat. I have vague ideas of what this entails much like I know a waltz from break dancing but, trust me, I would suck at either one.

People who are relatively unfamiliar with each other chit chat about the weather, traffic, a major event that happened nearby etc. Casual acquaintances are more likely to ask how the other one is & mention a sports game or something each knows the other through (like passing each other daily after working different shifts in the same enterprise). As the level of familiarity increases, the social obligations to converse do to (another advantage to NOT accumulating friends!). Then, you have to ask about their family, how's the wife & kids & other more personal things AND you're expected to chat longer. With friends, the opinions on events emerge (like what they think about this or that politician or movie star depending upon who the friends are). How they think this or that friend should've or could've done or not done whatever it is.

As intimacy & expectations increase, so do risks & likelihood of causing or becoming offended. Casual acquaintances can forget about each other & ignore each other when it comes to invitations & social events. Once you're a friend, you begin going from doing a simple 2 step to the complex moves of river dancing. Tripping up is easier & becomes ever more likely with each new friend as the steps become more complex. Some might argue that if & when you do trip, a true friend may be there to catch your fall. Possibly....BUT another friend who is more of a frenemy probably slipped marbles under your feet to help you trip in the first place.

Like our dear Dizzy, I'm a cynic. As someone somewhat older, I look at all potential situations from a risks/benefits/investment/gains perspective. Since I was not suffering without becoming a close friend of this or that person, since I am not missing anything & I don't really desire what friendship with them would have to offer me, then why go there? I risk losing much of my time, my peace of mind AND much of my privacy since female friends in the NT world seem to expect a level of confidences & intimacies I wouldn't know how to begin to supply.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I can't engage in that social small talk either. Dragon's Tooth. I never know what to say or what to ask & what kind of responses are normative. It is almost like a ritualized dance with set steps where one dancer is trying to do the tango & the other is trying to do the samba. Somewhere a consensus was established as to how the social dance goes & who does what & when. Verbally, this translates into how to do the chit-chat. I have vague ideas of what this entails much like I know a waltz from break dancing but, trust me, I would suck at either one.

Tell me bout it. It does feel like a dance that you've lost all the steps too. I saw some people I knew when I was out on errands today. And my god the anxiety over bumping into someone. Especially seeing as I didn't notice at first until I heard my name. then there was the follow "omg do they think I'm rude because I didn't stop and say hi and did I do the right thing by doing this or that ... " you get the idea.

I think the dance works better for us when someone is leading who knows the steps and is patient enough to forgive mistakes or correct said mistakes.

Chit chat bout the weather, traffic etc just seems so ... irrelevant. The weather will always be as it is, the traffic will always be the same, the world will still rotate on its merry way regardless. I don't find talking about great ideas a familial thing, I find its more meeting someone who is interested in that stuff. The father of one of the volunteers I work with atm when we get together and chat at a fundraiser we can go for hours. On stuff that seems more important than the weather. I don't even know his name tbh. Its not about that. Its about the fact that we both have someone to relate to on an intellectual level that we can't get anywhere else.

Going back to the tripping thing, I have come to the conclusion that I will trip up eventually. I can even predict what relationships that said trip up will impact negatively. Which is most of them. I always know I've got till the trip up then its over. So I don't get too invested any more. Though sometimes my husband will be at me to give people another go. Like dr phil says "the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour" so if someone has already screwed you over then its probably going to happen again in the right conditions.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Not everyone changes friends very often - many people have only a few friends and they keep them close.
The rest of people will cycle through friends. These people tend to participate in extroverted activities as it is.

However, I stay clear of all of it. I don't have in-person friends who I've had for years and who I am very close to. The closest someone can get to being "close" to me is still pretty distant, as it is. I cannot provide people with the deep emotional connection or back-and-forth banter that is needed for regular friendships.

 

[smith2267]

Not everyone changes friends very often - many people have only a few friends and they keep them close.
The rest of people will cycle through friends. These people tend to participate in extroverted activities as it is.

However, I stay clear of all of it. I don't have in-person friends who I've had for years and who I am very close to. The closest someone can get to being "close" to me is still pretty distant, as it is. I cannot provide people with the deep emotional connection or back-and-forth banter that is needed for regular friendships.

I don't see the point in superficial friendships. Or deep ones if they aren't going to last. But I am capable of it, if and when I see the point.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Mine aren't superficial unless they try to *force* some kind of emotion out of me that I really don't have, which is very common with females and more common that I'd like in males. There's just nothing there emotionally with me; people don't accept this and want to "bring the real me out" when the real me is already out.

 

[smith2267]

Mine aren't superficial unless they try to *force* some kind of emotion out of me that I really don't have, which is very common with females and more common that I'd like in males. There's just nothing there emotionally with me; people don't accept this and want to "bring the real me out" when the real me is already out.

what about romance? You feel emotion then?

 

[HelloDizzy]

Yes in some fashion, although I grow increasingly numb with each "ex" I gain. I don't know that I ever get the "normal" feeling, or maybe just haven't yet.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

Yes in some fashion, although I grow increasingly numb with each "ex" I gain. I don't know that I ever get the "normal" feeling, or maybe just haven't yet.

I understand this completely. Each person who screws me over destroys a part of me that feels comfortable being friends with anyone and erodes what little trust I can place in anyone I meet.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I understand this completely. Each person who screws me over destroys a part of me that feels comfortable being friends with anyone and erodes what little trust I can place in anyone I meet.

You have to be selective with friends and lovers. I've learned the hard way that second and third chances are a bad idea. If anyone tries to bring me down or criticizes me a lot, I cut them from my life. Having some one in my life just for the sake of not being alone isn't worth a toxic relationship.