I think I'm burned out - any advice?

[AuroraBorealis]

After a painful talk with my partner, I'm quite sure that I'm burned out. The last few years were very stressful with many stressful life events (bad illness in a parent, grandparent died, indirectly affected by war, final exam at uni, intense workload, long visit from relatives, only to name a few), and for the last year and increasingly the last few months/weeks, both my partner and I noticed that I am way more vulnerable to any kind of stress or stimuli. I go outside less because I get overwhelmed by the noise which barely bothered me before. After going somewhere for breakfast and a walk in the forest, I am so exhausted and overstimulated, both mentally and physically, like after several days of intense work. My mood is a bit lower and I have less initiative to do things, although not enough to diagnose a real depressed episode. I don't really feel sad, I am excitable and have happy days, but I feel like my protective wall got missing, like every stress and stimulus hits me like a blow, when a few years ago, it would just have bumped off. I get meltdowns or get very irritable from overstimulation several times a week, and in between that, I often feel anxious or tired or like I just want to be left alone.

Things I thought helped me to recharge, like reading and watching series by myself, don't seem to recharge me anymore but do sort of damage control. Like, I temporarily feel better while I do them, but as soon as I stop, everything is there again. Also, it seems like I crave more and more alone-time but don't feel rested afterwards either.

Since I felt better overall during phases of my life when I exercised regularly, my partner suggested I try to do one exercise unit a day, even if it's a short one. They also suggested I go to the forest once a day (right now, I don't work and it seems that the lack of daily structure also doesn't do me much good), either to walk or to run, both for the physical exercise as well as to get away from the city noise. Since I feel less rested than I used to after sleeping, I will try not to drink coffee anymore for a while.
I find meditation very boring and understimulating, so I won't force myself to do that for now, but my partner and I started to regularly do yoga together, which we will continue.
The biggest stressor - the big, loud city we live in and the fact that to go to the forest, I need to take a train, something that right now also overstimulates me - is something I can't change right now.

I don't really want to see a therapist right now, mainly because I already did in the past and both my partner and I are in (mental) healthcare, so I know what they would suggest to me - some relaxation technique, regular exercising, do things I enjoy, etc. I wanna try that by myself at first. Worst comes to worst, I have access to antidepressants, but right now, I don't feel like I would benefit much from them and want to try without.

Did any of you go through something similar and have advice?
I'm somewhat overwhelmed even by that talk right now. Like, I see the problems and I guess I have sort of a plan for now, but I feel scared because I don't know if these things will help and what I will do if they don't.

 

[hope17]

Hi, this does sound like a very stressful and overstimulating experience for you and does sound alot like burn out. First things first, i hope you are okay and looking after yourself as that should be the main priority. Being scared is also okay, i often feel scared when i think of the unknown and spiral about my wellbeing. for me, a lack of structure is extremely overwhelming but also the idea of forming structure is also so overwhelming also its like a double edged sword!
if i could suggest anything right now it would be a brain dump! its almost like a spider diagram of all your thoughts and tasks and things you have inside your brain that you can physically write onto a piece of paper - from that then you can visually see that things arent as scary as they seem. then from that you might be able to delegate certain tasks or things you can do which are manageable.
i have also found that listening to music that you love can also help, i know some people suggest that listening to music while overstimulated can cause extra stimulation, however by listening to music you already know the lyrics too and know the beat etc can be reasurring as it is the same and predictable - its also a great way of getting your body moving without it feeling like you are doing anythig.
this might sound like a silly question but do you own any headphones or ear plugs? i live in a busy city myself and have found using these very beneficial even when im not sleeping i often use my ear plugs as it reduces noise input thus highering the barrier of burn out

i also want you to know that regardless of how you are feeling, the shame etc YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB. this world isnt designed for brains like ours, and by recognising that removes the idea that the problem isnt stemming from you, the problem is the high demands of this busy world and the fact you have woken up today and have asked for help is honestly a great step forward in itself. and if thats all you can do today that is absolutely fine too.

 

[kriss72]

Sorry to hear this is how you feel right now - the advise I got in a simelar situation was to try to take walks outside, but I don't live in a big city - are there any parks you could go to more near by? One of the professionals helping me said there were research that had found that just looking at leaves moving in the wind had a measurable calming effect - I don't know if it is true..

Earplugs is a must for me when I go outside, and nc-headphones on top with some calming music - did you try if something like that can block the city noise?

Another thing that has helped me is to have a plan for every day, but with limited tasks, making sure I don't try to do more than I have energy for, but also so every day can be a success because I check marks in my list, e.g. like I actually ate breakfast, paid bills/spend time on a puzzle, did go shopping or took a walk. (I can only have two main tasks per day, but shopping takes two slots, because it is extra draining on me)

 

[Alexej]

I don't really want to see a therapist right now, mainly because I already did in the past and both my partner and I are in (mental) healthcare, so I know what they would suggest to me - some relaxation technique, regular exercising, do things I enjoy, etc. I wanna try that by myself at first. Worst comes to worst, I have access to antidepressants, but right now, I don't feel like I would benefit much from them and want to try without.

I was listening to a podcast today and the concept of meditation as a response was one thing that came up, however, in the case that was profiled on the podcast the interviewee said that they found an ASD informed therapist who could work better with them.

Just an idea.

Sorry you have been having such a tough time

 

[marc_101]

They also suggested I go to the forest once a day (right now, I don't work and it seems that the lack of daily structure also doesn't do me much good), either to walk or to run, both for the physical exercise as well as to get away from the city noise. Since I feel less rested than I used to after sleeping, I will try not to drink coffee anymore for a while.

Sorry you're going through a bad time.

The not working part drew my attention because when I go through periods like this, it's the lack of structure that start them. I used to call them the "post-semester blues" or the "post-deadline blues." I'm busy, with many deadlines and things to do and then comes a break when I plan all sort of things to do but most I what I end up dong is... nothing. I isolate myself and get bored, uneasy, restless. I need some structure to my days. The more of that you experience the worse it gets. Do you have an external way to add structure to your day? A class? Hobby?

Also, try to reduce the coffee slowly, though.

I don't really want to see a therapist right now, mainly because I already did in the past and both my partner and I are in (mental) healthcare, so I know what they would suggest to me - some relaxation technique, regular exercising, do things I enjoy, etc. I wanna try that by myself at first. Worst comes to worst, I have access to antidepressants, but right now, I don't feel like I would benefit much from them and want to try without.

Maybe reconsider? The therapist will listen to you, and that is helpful, especially so you have another person to talk to, even if there isn't going to be any new concrete recommendation. And it could give you structure -- a thing to do once a week.

But answering your question, yes, it does sound familiar. I go through similar episodes from time to time. It's like an apathy, restlessness snowball. The other thing that helps is that it is "normal" and I don't think it signals anything wrong with you. It will go away eventually.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

for me, a lack of structure is extremely overwhelming but also the idea of forming structure is also so overwhelming also its like a double edged sword!

Yes, I relate to this very much - no structure is bad, but forming structure is also bad. However, forming structure might be slightly less bad than having no structure, so I probably should get to it anyway.

this might sound like a silly question but do you own any headphones or ear plugs?

Yes, I own NC headphones and earplugs. I wear them almost constantly while I'm outside on my own, and sometimes also while I'm in company. They help, but as you say, sometimes listening to something gets overstimulating by itself, and just wearing the NC without listening to something feels uncomfortable because I feel a sort of pressure on my ears (which can happen with the NC).

i also want you to know that regardless of how you are feeling, the shame etc YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB. this world isnt designed for brains like ours, and by recognising that removes the idea that the problem isnt stemming from you, the problem is the high demands of this busy world and the fact you have woken up today and have asked for help is honestly a great step forward in itself. and if thats all you can do today that is absolutely fine too.

Thank you, that's very kind.

are there any parks you could go to more near by?

There is one where I go to run, and it is a nice one, but it is also usually full of people, you're not really "out of the city", and to get there I need to walk by a busy street. So it's fine for everyday use, but when I'm really overstimulated, often it's just not quiet enough.

The not working part drew my attention because when I go through periods like this, it's the lack of structure that start them. I used to call them the "post-semester blues" or the "post-deadline blues." I'm busy, with many deadlines and things to do and then comes a break when I plan all sort of things to do but most I what I end up dong is... nothing. I isolate myself and get bored, uneasy, restless. I need some structure to my days. The more of that you experience the worse it gets. Do you have an external way to add structure to your day? A class? Hobby?

Yeah, I find this really a tough one. Obviously, the past few years, when I had a lot of structure, have burned me out, so I consciously took some time afterwards to recharge. And now, this proves to be bad for me too. I have some external things - a weekly sports class, a weekly language class, a DnD group every 2 weeks. Also, technically, I have a scientific paper I should be working on the next few weeks.
I struggle more with daily structure. I do get things done, but it seems I take long to complete them because I want them done a certain way. Like - I need to start working on this paper, but my workplace is a mess. So I need to clean it up first. And I can't leave it cleaned up half way, so I really need to take the time to clean. I can't start cleaning until I haven't cleaned up the kitchen, because that is my daily task, and I do it thoroughly. Before cleaning the kitchen, I need to have had breakfast and cleaned out the dishwasher, and brush my teeth to get the day started. And feed the cat. And reply to a friend's message. And pay a bill. And so on.
And suddenly it's 2 PM and all I've done is had breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen, brushed my teeth and reply to a few messages. Sure, I have done some things, but not the thing I meant to do - start on my paper. It seems I get so worked up on doing my daily things thoroughly and get distracted by the stuff around me that I leave no time for other things I need to be doing. I have some daily structure, but doesn't seem to be a healthy or sustainable one.

 

[kriss72]

They help, but as you say, sometimes listening to something gets overstimulating by itself, and just wearing the NC without listening to something feels uncomfortable because I feel a sort of pressure on my ears (which can happen with the NC).

Not sure if this helps you, but if I have the same song on repeat it seem to become more relaxing/a stim, where having a Playlist with multiple songs can take too much energy.

 

[SeanF]

Sorry to hear this is how you feel right now - the advise I got in a simelar situation was to try to take walks outside, but I don't live in a big city - are there any parks you could go to more near by? One of the professionals helping me said there were research that had found that just looking at leaves moving in the wind had a measurable calming effect - I don't know if it is true..

Earplugs is a must for me when I go outside, and nc-headphones on top with some calming music - did you try if something like that can block the city noise?

Another thing that has helped me is to have a plan for every day, but with limited tasks, making sure I don't try to do more than I have energy for, but also so every day can be a success because I check marks in my list, e.g. like I actually ate breakfast, paid bills/spend time on a puzzle, did go shopping or took a walk. (I can only have two main tasks per day, but shopping takes two slots, because it is extra draining on me)

Agreed. Comfortable, noise-cancelling headphones have done a world of good for me by preserving my energy. I wear them everywhere.

 

[marc_101]

Also, technically, I have a scientific paper I should be working on the next few weeks.
I struggle more with daily structure. I do get things done, but it seems I take long to complete them because I want them done a certain way. Like - I need to start working on this paper, but my workplace is a mess. So I need to clean it up first. And I can't leave it cleaned up half way, so I really need to take the time to clean. I can't start cleaning until I haven't cleaned up the kitchen, because that is my daily task, and I do it thoroughly. Before cleaning the kitchen, I need to have had breakfast and cleaned out the dishwasher, and brush my teeth to get the day started. And feed the cat. And reply to a friend's message. And pay a bill. And so on.
And suddenly it's 2 PM and all I've done is had breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen...

Oh, there is a name for that: "productive procrastination." I'm a jedi master on productive procrastination. You can get all sorts of things done, but not the task you have to get done, especially if it's a cognitive demanding tasks like writing a paper or a task without an external deadline. Besides, you end up feeling dissatisfied because you didn't get the thing done. It's part of the ASD issue with executive function, regulating attention, going from obsession to meh.

One trick that works for me is to re-frame the task. Say, you don't have to "write a paper." That won't happen in one day. It's too big. What you need to do is work for 1 hour on a small task like an outline of the introduction or a portion of the literature review. Something that is manageable, concrete, short, and has an end -- that way you can cross it out; you accomplished the task. Next, day, it's another paragraph or another concrete small task. Sometimes word counts work. Say, 300 words per day is your goal.

 

[Aspychata]

Just well-thought out responses here. I have gone through isolating myself more as l am in a burnout stage also. Having a calming repetitive list of things l do at home really helps. Like making a warm beverage. I leave my weights out to access them, l have a comfortable chair and so on. At night l can wind down the same way. I focus on staying home and just thinking about how l am feeling. I have put off house repairs has having a stranger in the house is just too much for me now. And on great days, l can run all my errands, no problem, because l took the needed downtime.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Oh, there is a name for that: "productive procrastination."

Is it really? I'm familiar with productive procrastination, too, but until now I only consciously noticed it in things I didn't like to do (like studying). If this is productive procrastination too, then I guess I experience it throughout my entire day? Because I don't find writing this paper a tedious task, I'm not looking for things I need to do before starting - there are just things I feel I "need" to do before starting. That also involves many other ares of my life, though - like, before starting to read this book I really want to read, I "need" to finish this book and that book, and in the end I never read the book I actually want to read, or it takes ages until I do. I only considered procrastination to be "a thing" with things I don't want to do. But you're saying that it can happen for all kinds of tasks, as long as they are complex and "need a lot of executive function", even if they're pleasant? New horizons for me...
(btw: Are you saying that there are people who don't experience this? I thought it was a universal thing...)

Another thing that has helped me is to have a plan for every day, but with limited tasks, making sure I don't try to do more than I have energy for, but also so every day can be a success because I check marks in my list, e.g. like I actually ate breakfast, paid bills/spend time on a puzzle, did go shopping or took a walk. (I can only have two main tasks per day, but shopping takes two slots, because it is extra draining on me)

The idea of "energy slots" is not a bad one. I tried different concepts to plan my day, but so far, none worked long-term.

My partner already feels bad because they say that I'm trying to plan my way out of the burnout, while they just wanted me to get some exercise every day to feel better, and as usual, I got all into the planning part. But yeah, I think some daily structure is part of the problem. Thanks for the input.

 

[Aspychata]

Exercise never feels needed until after you do it, and realized it cleared your mind from productive procrastination or this:

The 5 Types of Avoidance Behavior | Psych Central

There are five main types of avoidance behavior: situational, cognitive, protective, somatic, and substitution. We take a closer look.

psychcentral.com

 

[marc_101]

@AuroraBorealis I'm not sure there is a definition of productive procrastination, but for me it's delaying a task that must be done while doing other tasks that are not as urgent or, in the short term, are more pleasurable or easier. Doing them feels better than watching tv or taking a nap because you're crossing out items from the to-do list (hence the productive part), but you're not doing the one you have to cross out or the one that a part of you woud like to do.

If a task is pleasant but you don't do it, then why don't you do it? If at 2 pm you don't feel accomplished because you were doing other things, then why didn't you do the other thing? I think it is an issue of executive function, of prioritization, planning, and managing attention. It's also a complex problem.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

If a task is pleasant but you don't do it, then why don't you do it? If at 2 pm you don't feel accomplished because you were doing other things, then why didn't you do the other thing?

That is the exact issue. I spend too much time and energy on the tasks before, because I want them done a certain way and in a certain order. And in the end, I run out of time and energy. This results e.g. in me managing to stay on top with my task to clean the kitchen - because I do it daily and thoroughly - but spending like up to an hour per day on it, and not getting to other tasks. However, if I don't do it like that, in the past I have not been able to keep up with it at all. I know I am kind of rigid in my ways and need to find a balance.
I know I can't get an ultimate answer here. I will just keep trying different types of day and week planners.

 

[Outdated]

On the burn out issue, the only answer I found was to take a break from it all. Emotional and psychological burnout works exactly the same as physical sensory burnout for me.

Physical burnout: Stare at the sun with your naked eyes for a minute. Yes, this will damage your eyes. They'll hurt and your vision will get blurry, you'll get a rotten headache, and you'll get very tired. And with that much damage they won't be any better the next day, in fact you'll be hypersensitive to light for several days afterwards and have to stay in a darkened room to recover. The eyes need to spend time with little or no exposure to light in order to heal.

Admittedly us Aussies tend to have a more laid back attitude towards life than much of the rest of the world, but have you considered taking a Gap Year? The term was quoined by university students that were struggling to not burn out, so they take a year off, go on a holiday somewhere first, then just spend the rest of the year settling down and getting their lives better organised and getting a bit of money behind them to take some pressure off when they go back to getting their degree.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

have you considered taking a Gap Year?

I am actually kind of doing that right now, not for an entire year but almost. It includes writing my doctoral thesis, but now that the statistics are done, simply writing from home is not very exhausting for me.
I don't feel the need to travel to a lot of exotic countries, since traveling is rather stressful for me. But I am going to work on a dog farm for 2 months in about a month, which is in the middle of beautiful nature, and I am looking forward to that very much. It's going to be a few hours of working with the dogs every day and the rest of the day for myself, probably including a lot of walking and reading. I think that will do me a lot of good already.
Also, in summer, I will go to Canada with my partner for a month, and we're both more into national parks than into cities, so it will probably also be a lot of nature and getting away from it all.
It's hard to get mentally away from it all, since my family has a lot of problems, which I get informed about and talked to about often, and it's not really possible to just pull myself out for for a while (although I would really need that). But I believe those things are still a good start.
Unfortunately, the "gap year" has been quite stressful so far due to family problems and long-time house guests. Maybe it will get better from now on.
Thank you for your answer!

 

[Outdated]

But I am going to work on a dog farm for 2 months in about a month, which is in the middle of beautiful nature, and I am looking forward to that very much. It's going to be a few hours of working with the dogs every day and the rest of the day for myself, probably including a lot of walking and reading. I think that will do me a lot of good already.
Also, in summer, I will go to Canada with my partner for a month, and we're both more into national parks than into cities, so it will probably also be a lot of nature and getting away from it all.

These two things sound perfect, a chance for your mind to run on different tracks for a few weeks. It'll do you the world of good.

 

[marc_101]

That is the exact issue. I spend too much time and energy on the tasks before, because I want them done a certain way and in a certain order. And in the end, I run out of time and energy. This results e.g. in me managing to stay on top with my task to clean the kitchen - because I do it daily and thoroughly - but spending like up to an hour per day on it, and not getting to other tasks. However, if I don't do it like that, in the past I have not been able to keep up with it at all. I know I am kind of rigid in my ways and need to find a balance.
I know I can't get an ultimate answer here. I will just keep trying different types of day and week planners.

It's a tricky situation. I'm not sure how to break the pattern. Rest sounds nice, though.

I found an article that discusses it, but I'm not sure if it's helpful. At least for me, trying to understand something intellectually helps, but not sure if it will be helpful to you:

What does it take to be rigid? Reflections on the notion of rigidity in autism

Characterizations of autism include multiple references to rigid or inflexible features, but the notion of rigidity itself has received little systematic discussion. In this paper we shed some light on the notion of rigidity in autism by identifying different ...

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

 

[Tom]

I think the lack of structure and perhaps sense of purpose can bring on a sustained poor mood. Like you said not a full blown depressive episode, more a sustained depressing situation. Its not necessarily that things are bad, it can be just a sense of inertia, lack of progress, lack of goals. It may be just a need for occupation. If this is accurate, maybe thinking about goals is a place to start.

 

[vergil96]

I don't feel the need to travel to a lot of exotic countries, since traveling is rather stressful for me. But I am going to work on a dog farm for 2 months in about a month, which is in the middle of beautiful nature, and I am looking forward to that very much. It's going to be a few hours of working with the dogs every day and the rest of the day for myself, probably including a lot of walking and reading. I think that will do me a lot of good already.
Also, in summer, I will go to Canada with my partner for a month, and we're both more into national parks than into cities, so it will probably also be a lot of nature and getting away from it all.

I hope this is going to help, taking a break from responsibilities can help a lot.

On the burn out issue, the only answer I found was to take a break from it all. Emotional and psychological burnout works exactly the same as physical sensory burnout for me.

Physical burnout: Stare at the sun with your naked eyes for a minute. Yes, this will damage your eyes. They'll hurt and your vision will get blurry, you'll get a rotten headache, and you'll get very tired. And with that much damage they won't be any better the next day, in fact you'll be hypersensitive to light for several days afterwards and have to stay in a darkened room to recover. The eyes need to spend time with little or no exposure to light in order to heal.

Agreed

But you're saying that it can happen for all kinds of tasks, as long as they are complex and "need a lot of executive function", even if they're pleasant? New horizons for me...

Yeah, "fun" activities can also be tiring. I find myself too tired to even follow a film or a book often. Fun can be simple or you don't have to do anything at all in your free time. Reading or watching series takes mental effort too, you're allowed to stare at a wall or plan the next day slowly, you don't have to be productive or do anything "interesting". For me, reading a magazine (with photos and other graphics...) is better when I'm tired, I also play cards (solitaire), solve the Rubik's cube - I like games and puzzles, but there are plenty of other ways to relax, you can take a bath, make some kind of home spa activity, do yoga, drink tea, colour, there are a lot of options. I also find listening to podcasts more relaxing than reading or watching. Actually, in my opinion, electronics are quite draining, including films and music. I like films, music and books, but I'm also too tired for them quite often. My attention span is too used up for films and books and flashing lights and sounds become painful when I'm tired, so I can't even watch films or listen to music. I also have migraines, it might something to do with it, but plenty of people have headaches when tired, so sensory input becomes painful.

Agreed. Comfortable, noise-cancelling headphones have done a world of good for me by preserving my energy. I wear them everywhere.

Yes, ANC headphones and earplugs help me feel not as drained after going to the mall or after commuting. It also helps me not have panic attacks or otherwise not get extremely nervous when alarms go off (who on earth made them so loud? this person was crazy) or an ambulance drives by, someone is tooting.

and just wearing the NC without listening to something feels uncomfortable because I feel a sort of pressure on my ears (which can happen with the NC).

Maybe you can try earplugs? I find the quiet beeping in ANC annoying sometimes. There are earplugs or people sensitive to noise, I can recommend Loops, I want to try Vibes too, there is a large selection to choose from if you google around.

The not working part drew my attention because when I go through periods like this, it's the lack of structure that start them. I used to call them the "post-semester blues" or the "post-deadline blues." I'm busy, with many deadlines and things to do and then comes a break when I plan all sort of things to do but most I what I end up dong is... nothing. I isolate myself and get bored, uneasy, restless. I need some structure to my days. The more of that you experience the worse it gets. Do you have an external way to add structure to your day? A class? Hobby?

I experience the same thing. Also, I find having lots of different activities such as language class, sports etc. tiring. 2 "extracurricualrs" is max. Then I meet with my family on weekends. And usually have something to do like writing a thesis even if I don't have classes at the moment. Multitasking exhausts me. I had 5 subjects that required a lot of tedious work (unlike e.g. math or basics of programming in earlier years when I also had many subjects) last term and it was the most awful term I've ever had.

I also want to touch on exercise. Commuting by train sounds very exhausting, actually, I can't imagine many more stressful environments than a train, because it's public transport and also loud. Maybe you could enjoy more exercising at home? I bought a stationary bike, because I couldn't go swimming in the winter, because of respiratory infections, and I have found I use it almost daily. I want to do calisthenics at home too, but honestly I don't have enough time and energy all the time. Maybe it will get easier now in the spring. I already got dumbbells, I really don't want to go to the gym, because of the crowd. There are plenty of options, pilates, yoga, HIIT cardio, whatever you like.

I was listening to a podcast today and the concept of meditation as a response was one thing that came up, however, in the case that was profiled on the podcast the interviewee said that they found an ASD informed therapist who could work better with them.

I honestly can't sit still enough to meditate or my mind becomes noisy, it's just too boring. It can be ADHD, I've heard opinions that meditation was constructed with neurotypical people in mind (no ADHD, no autism) - if I had enough coffee to not need to stim while working, then maybe in this state it would work as desired, yeah, but normally, it seems to work upside downand backwards. I think for me, I reach the closest to the desired state in meditation when on a walk, doing some not demanding physical tasks such as cleaning, or doing cardio such as biking, jogging, swimming.

Another thing that has helped me is to have a plan for every day, but with limited tasks, making sure I don't try to do more than I have energy for, but also so every day can be a success because I check marks in my list, e.g. like I actually ate breakfast, paid bills/spend time on a puzzle, did go shopping or took a walk. (I can only have two main tasks per day, but shopping takes two slots, because it is extra draining on me)

Seconded, too many tasks are draining. I can do two main tasks without feeling exhausted as well, so e.g. university or work + shopping / meeting someone after / language class / sports. If there is a third thing, it's too much.