I see a trend- NTs and non NTs

[Ambi]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is really annoyed by those posts. I just picture it like it were another cultural forum, and if someone were to say, for example, "My boyfriend who is Asian just left me. I don't know what to do - how can I get him back?" Posting that in some forum about Asian culture/experience would be really inappropriate - and would probably just generate sarcastic responses like, "Why don't you read a fortune cookie?" or "No more wax-on-wax-off, now paint the fence".

Or maybe it's just me - I just see a lot of diversity in this forum as far as personality and relationship style goes, no one is textbook. And what irks me the most is simply that the person who left usually does not even have a diagnosis - not official, not even a self-diagnosis. When I think of how frequently and how often I am misunderstood by people, the idea that this person thinks they were able to diagnose their ex is very frustrating to me - it makes me glad I do not advertise my own self-diagnosis, because people will likely then start putting me into another box or category to try to "interpret" me. I have seen one of the visitors do that, making little side comments like, "Well, i'm sure on this forum you wouldn't really see this this way", or explaining why she reacted a certain way because that's how neurotypicals react (as if I haven't had most of my life experience around NTs and I'm a dang good observer at that). I feel like there's a bee in my bonnet, lol

 

[Gracey]

Can't think of a better place to ask about autism than an autism forum. Seeking answers from people who live, breathe, eat, sleep autism and are in relationships.
Books on the subject have a mountain of knowledge but if it were me asking about relationships, after I'd read the books I'd be asking the people who live it everyday.

I never said I liked it, just saying, who better to ask?

 

[Ambi]

Can't think of a better place to ask about autism than an autism forum. Seeking answers from people who live, breathe, eat, sleep autism and are in relationships.
Books on the subject have a mountain of knowledge but if it were me asking about relationships, after I'd read the books I'd be asking the people who live it everyday.

I never said I liked it, just saying, who better to ask?

The person themselves. The person whom they are claiming is on the spectrum. The person they are trying to have a relationship with.

 

[Streetwise]

so you confront women with base offensive sarcasm

Yes, large broom sweep pushing dirt across the floor!

 

[OlLiE]

without wanting to generalise too much, men are less obsessed with 'fixing' their partner, personally i'm more of the conviction that no one is perfect, we all have our failings, if you can't get over your partner's failings you should leave, if you can accept them, well, then you shouldn't complain about them or try to fix them

 

[Gracey]

The person themselves. The person whom they are claiming is on the spectrum. The person they are trying to have a relationship with.

Yes, I see what you mean

 

[SusanLR]

I'm living a relationship much like @Chance except it is reversed. I am the female living with a man who is very controlling, puts me down, screams at me if he doesn't understand me or my ideas and tries to keep me from leaving by reminding me how he was there when I needed someone and all the inconveniences he's put up with by taking me into his life.

The only difference is this is not a relationship of romance or even sexual type. It is more like a complicated business deal of control and servitude.

The reason I'm writing this here under relationships is to show how some people use others through control.

When I lost my parents I had no family, friends, no car, not enough money to live, totally lost, had never lived alone, and was going through a break up with a guy I'd known for 20 years. I was in a mess and knew it.
The man I live with currently saw I could use help and an affordable place to live. He put on a good front and dangled 'carrots' (I call them): Millionaire, large house, needing a partner as his health was not good, the usual wined, dined and expensive gifts, etc.
It sounded good. No romantic relation. Just be there.

Once I moved in the real person showed and I felt I had been tied down and thrown into prison. Yes, it's miserable but it provided what I needed at the time. Some where to live until I could sort my life out. Now, I too, know it cannot go on forever like this. It is just scary to change and plan how to make it differently. But, I am feeling stronger and learning more about myself and being more comfortable with myself. So I know things will work out for some type of change. But, it won't be that I change him or he changes me.

 

[Momo]

I would say it's just because women like the "mystery" of aspie/autistic men, also that women like to get advice in relationships (I know I do), and that aspie women are far more likely to hide their autistic traits than males.

 

[Flygirl]

I would like to say that maybe NT Women dating/married to a man on the spectrum, actually come onto this forum, not to try and change then, but to try and understand them further and adapt their own behaviour, to move forward in a positive fashion.

I am not problem orientated, but solution driven. Therefore when I first ventured onto this forum, it was with the intent of trying to gain insight into the possible why's and wherefore of certain behaviours, so I, not him, could then tack a little left or right and then possible dovetail into his needs.

I found the detailed replies to my post, not only insightful and eye opening, but gave me a deeper understanding of how HIS brain functioned, so I could then adapt mine, as knew it was always going to have to be mine that altered.
So to concur, the NT Women come here to try to find a way to make that relationship work better for both of them. Or they would not even bother and walk away.
Sorry if we annoy some of You, but if we were your girlfriend/wife, would you not be touched that we were doing all we were capable of to enhance the relationship?

BTW this is a 2 way street, so any questions you would like to ask an NT Women on why we do the things we do..feel free to ask!

 

[Ocarina]

As an ASD woman - who's also been a volunteer for Samaritans for a few years, men are much less likely to ask for help in general.

Whilst the women who have posted on here may be seen to be complaining, to want to change their partners, in reality these people are posting largely because they are confused, in pain, feeling rejected, afraid or whatever. Relationships are complicated and confusing and as humans we looks to pin our hurt on something or someone - and to want to fix this hurt. If this hurt is perceived as being caused by another person it's natural to want to change things, fix it or whatever - these people are not being malicious or difficult any more than their partner is being purposefully obstructive. They are hurt and more women than men in that situation will ask for help and advice - men (hideous generalisation coming up) are more likely to retreat in some way than to reach out, to feel they should just cope with the situation on their own and man up.

 

[Keigan]

so you confront women with base offensive sarcasm

I thought I was being funny, forgot to place (humor) around it.

I work really hard to treat everyone well, with respect.

 

[Keigan]

so you confront women with base offensive sarcasm

Actually, you are wrong.

Clearly the topic has touched a nerve.

 

[Mary Terry]

Flygirl and Oarina nailed it, and I thank them to presenting a view more balanced than those offered by individuals who seemingly spend all their time and energy posting criticisms and complaints about NTs. The world is indeed a two way street when it comes to relationships between NTs and NDs.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I thought I was being funny, forgot to place (humor) around it.

Tempted to rate that as optimistic but then wasnt sure if i was entering into the realm of sarcasm or some other realm altogether.

I agree with you, no offence here, humor is always risky.

There have been some good contributions on this thread from both sides.

Even though 'sides' is an unfortunate way to describe our differences in outlook/diversity etc

Pause for thought.

 

[Keigan]

so you confront women with base offensive sarcasm

This is a great example of how some topics do touch a nerve within who we are. The forums are here to help, to support constructive conversations.

There is no value and no reason to lash out at someone, it’s not constructive.

Try to talk about your challenges.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Flygirl and Oarina nailed it, and I thank them to presenting a view more balanced than those offered by individuals who seemingly spend all their time and energy posting criticisms and complaints about NTs. The world is indeed a two way street when it comes to relationships between NTs and NDs.

I agree in part, but you have also made a gross generalisation here. Imdon think anyone spends all their time posting criticism and complaints of NTs.
Even if they did, what of it? This is the place to do it without fear of criticism.

Some of those who complained have also spent time replying to those kinds of threads. Sometimes,they get a bit tired of it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

This is a great example of how some topics do touch a nerve within who we are. The forums are here to help, to support constructive conversations.

There is no value and no reason to lash out at someone, it’s not constructive.

Try to talk about your challenges.

At the same time, don't bang on and on about it. If someone lashes out, let it go.

Respond with understanding, if you're in a better place at the moment.

Maybe that's your challenge?

 

[Keigan]

so you confront women with base offensive sarcasm

BTW, if you find my posts offensive then you can always go into Profile and block my user is - though then you might miss out on most of the context of some of these really good threads.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Flygirl and Oarina nailed it, and I thank them to presenting a view more balanced than those offered by individuals who seemingly spend all their time and energy posting criticisms and complaints about NTs. The world is indeed a two way street when it comes to relationships between NTs and NDs.

Mary, I agree partially with this post, as I feel the truth is usually somewhere in the middle and in most cases each side is contributing to some wrong so focusing just on the other as wrong usually is disingenuous.

However, there are exceptions to this rule. There have been cases here in this forum where it was an NT who seemingly loved an Aspie, and they were saying they loved them in different ways, but then they were critiquing them time and time again, and suggesting they should change, without looking at themselves as being wrong for anything, nor saying they should have to change, too. That is not well received, regardless if they felt pain or needed support.

That type of relationship will never work. I look for balance when persons talk about their relationship. The only exception
of course, is when I see cases where controlling behaviors and abuses are occurring, and where one is trying to take advantage of another or has already done so, or wanting of some perfect partner, or a partner that fits their dream. That is a fantasy. They need to hear the other side: a dose of reality, as there are relationships where one is doing the most wrong or least giving, but wanting that other only to change.

We all have different goals, dreams, abilities, needs and limitations, so one should not assume all NTs or all ASDers are all alike. And so although I respect those that come to this forum if they want to understand those on the Spectrum better, or to learn to accept and appreciate those with any condition, or to receive some support, as I have done the same by coming here, I always try to look at each side to issues, sometimes supporting the Aspie, sometimes the NT, but more often I see both points of view, as I myself feel caught in the middle of who I am, and regardless, I always try to be objective anyways, as that is how I have always been, based on my experiences, research and knowledge, and as I avoid confrontations through balance, compassion and analysis.

However, when either an NT or one on the Spectrum is saying or doing something that I feel is counterproductive, misleading or not fair, I will not hesitate to state such. We all have rights to opinions here, based on each of our unique insights and experiences. As long as a blanket statement is not made, but with supporting information based on experiences or other, that should be respected. But, again, if an NT or Aspie is made to feel totally wrong by another and with suggestion they need to change, in absense of abuse, controlling behavior, and without that other having the same balanced self-critiques and belief they should change or do more then too, of course any tears or anger will more apt to fall on deaf ears.

But, for those who are severely wronged in a relationship, as they are treated with regular disrespect, hate or lack of showing some care, regardless how that is able to be shown, despite any claims of true love and appreciation by the other, and that other comes here to get support when they say they are instead being wronged, and how much the other could be really great if they only did this or that, certainly that would offend many. Since when are Aspies supposed to act, think or feel like NTs, and visa versa? There are differences of course. Each has its great, but each its annoyances. Rarely does anyone change that much from who they are, unless they have much self-motivation, self-analysis, and desire to be their best for themselves and others. This is the "me" generation we are in. Most wants to succeed or be seen as successful at all costs. Something then has to give.

Like I said many times before, let the givers be with the givers, the takers with the takers, and the more neutral with the neutral. That seems fair.

 

[Katleya]

Flygirl and Oarina nailed it, and I thank them to presenting a view more balanced than those offered by individuals who seemingly spend all their time and energy posting criticisms and complaints about NTs. The world is indeed a two way street when it comes to relationships between NTs and NDs.

I don't think you've read anywhere near enough posts to form an accurate and objective opinion. But... their posts probably went the way you wanted to see things go & then "confirmation bias" kicks in. Not blaming you: most people tend to favor opinions that are similar to those they already hold, and then discard those that differ, or just look down upon them. [Confirmation bias is an actual thing I invite you to look up]

It can't be denied that there are some partners who genuinely look for understanding in order to make things work through mutual effort. But for one post like that, how many more from partners who want their partner to become somebody else entirely, and come here looking for tips on how to reprogram them and brainwash them, assuming that we share a giant mutual ND brain, and won't accept that maybe they'll need to pull their weight, too, rather than just expect "their" Aspie to suddenly figure out communication?

I take offense at your post, and I invite you to carefully reread every single word you wrote: by saying that Flygirl and Ocarina nailed it, and only them, you imply that all of the other posters, me included, are nothing more but "individuals who spend all their time and energy posting criticism and complaints about NTs". Really? Say, when people invite you for dinner at their place, do you take a crap on their table when the food isn't entirely to your taste, or is that treatment reserved for us? You don't have a freaking clue what is going on in the life of people who are rejected almost every minute of their life, so while we might be eager to help someone who seeks better understanding, we have every right to be annoyed when people come to say how defective we are just because we aren't like them, and how we need to be fixed.

Honestly, I find your post insulting, but all in those hypocritical undertones that are so typical of NTs --and yes, I'm using the NT stereotype here, because you are the poster child for it. I'll be sure to block you from now on, I can't be bothered with the emotions you're triggering from your ignorance, and I definitely don't expect to find anything that makes me aggressive on here. I also wouldn't want to accidentally help you out (I think we call this the Aspie grudge, and the force is strong with those). You don't feel Aspies are welcoming enough to you, and just a criticizing and complaining bunch? Welcome to our life. Nobody's forcing you if you don't like it.