I screwed up.....and didn't mean to.

[dhl02]

As an Aspie who is also an extrovert, I have always had problems with personal boundaries.
So to make a long story short......I was dating this woman(also on the spectrum) for 18 months. We were close friends for 2 1/2 years before that. Everything was going great until her sister moved in with her and she got a dog about 14 months into the relationship. Suddenly, I didn't matter to her anymore. We also were both going through some mental health issues toward the end of the relationship, so there was that going on as well. Anyway we met at work, where everyone who works there is on the spectrum except management.

There were three strikes that got me very angry that made me want to break up with her.....but I really didn't want to do it. I was unhappy with how the relationship had been going, and she tried to manipulate me over and over that it was all in my head. No, It wasn't. I was unhappy. I really loved her, and I think she loved me in her own way. However, we were too different to make things work, despite many common traits. I wanted to make things work in the worst way but she refused to spend any time with me outside of work. I wanted to gain a deeper, closer relationship, and she kept pushing me away. It all came to a head when she decided to not show up to my 30th B'day party because she had to watch her dog, and went out to see a movie that we both wanted to see with some random guy that her sister knew.

I wanted to let her know that I was really unhappy with what was going on, and was tired of the excuses for not hanging out and spending time with me. It led to a breakup, which was not my intention. Did I threaten it a few times? Yeah. Did I really want it to happen? No.

We texted back and forth for a few days afterward, but she decided it was completely over. Not knowing what to do next, because we were co-workers as well, I tried to reconcile somehow some semblance of civility. Oops. For months, she would not want to even be in the same room with me at work without lashing out at me. I couldn't eat lunch if she was there. So I waited until about 7 months since the breakup and texted her and asked if we could just get along somehow at work. Oops. This turned into a huge problem, because she had told me some time ago not to text her. I didn't realize this was a personal space violation. I had completely forgotten that she had even said that, until it was a problem. My intention was to have some sort of closure, to resolve the conflict. I didn't know that some weren't resolvable.

This was my first and only relationship, and I have learned two things: 1) Don't date a co-worker and 2) Some conflicts are unresolvable, and are better left alone.

I have completely moved on, but I wanted to post this so that someone else with a similar personality type could have this as a reference of what mistakes not to make when breaking up with a SO.

 

[Alaska]

As an Aspie who is also an extrovert, I have always had problems with personal boundaries.
So to make a long story short......I was dating this woman(also on the spectrum) for 18 months. We were close friends for 2 1/2 years before that. Everything was going great until her sister moved in with her and she got a dog about 14 months into the relationship. Suddenly, I didn't matter to her anymore. We also were both going through some mental health issues toward the end of the relationship, so there was that going on as well. Anyway we met at work, where everyone who works there is on the spectrum except management.

There were three strikes that got me very angry that made me want to break up with her.....but I really didn't want to do it. I was unhappy with how the relationship had been going, and she tried to manipulate me over and over that it was all in my head. No, It wasn't. I was unhappy. I really loved her, and I think she loved me in her own way. However, we were too different to make things work, despite many common traits. I wanted to make things work in the worst way but she refused to spend any time with me outside of work. I wanted to gain a deeper, closer relationship, and she kept pushing me away. It all came to a head when she decided to not show up to my 30th B'day party because she had to watch her dog, and went out to see a movie that we both wanted to see with some random guy that her sister knew.

I wanted to let her know that I was really unhappy with what was going on, and was tired of the excuses for not hanging out and spending time with me. It led to a breakup, which was not my intention. Did I threaten it a few times? Yeah. Did I really want it to happen? No.

We texted back and forth for a few days afterward, but she decided it was completely over. Not knowing what to do next, because we were co-workers as well, I tried to reconcile somehow some semblance of civility. Oops. For months, she would not want to even be in the same room with me at work without lashing out at me. I couldn't eat lunch if she was there. So I waited until about 7 months since the breakup and texted her and asked if we could just get along somehow at work. Oops. This turned into a huge problem, because she had told me some time ago not to text her. I didn't realize this was a personal space violation. I had completely forgotten that she had even said that, until it was a problem. My intention was to have some sort of closure, to resolve the conflict. I didn't know that some weren't resolvable.

This was my first and only relationship, and I have learned two things: 1) Don't date a co-worker and 2) Some conflicts are unresolvable, and are better left alone.

I have completely moved on, but I wanted to post this so that someone else with a similar personality type could have this as a reference of what mistakes not to make when breaking up with a SO.

It is very nice of you to share your experience to help others. Thank you.

 

[Suzanne]

I am an undiagnosed aspie and my husband is an NT and it just goes to show that really, it doesn't matter whether one dates a fellow aspie or an NT ( or married in my case), because we are all human and there you go.

Good tip to not date a co-worker!

I am afraid I am rather like your ex in the fact that I need space and well, cannot be in the same room of one who has upset me. My husband's touch becomes repungent to me and sadly, I have laid next to him as if I am a statue; willing his hand to leave my leg or even the barest touch gets me wanting to scream. This happens when we have had an argument and he has treated me like a child.

Great that you have got past this emotion. I find love to be too complicated!

 

[Mary Terry]

Many employers prohibit relationships between co-workers for that very reason - it can disrupt the workplace. Someone once said to me, in a crude way, "don't dip your pen in company ink".

 

[Keigan]

"Don't fish off the company pier"

 

[dhl02]

I wanted to give an update on this story. In January of this year, I ended up having to leave the company I was working at because the baggage from this failed relationship got to be too much to take for me. I really liked working there, and it pained me to have to leave. Most of the issues came from my ex going out of her way to ostracize me from the workplace social culture by her very existence. Because I came across a bit weird after the breakup(mostly because it was the first one I was involved in and I didn't know how to handle it properly) If my ex and I wanted to keep working there, she and I had to stay away from each other. She subsequently used this to her advantage and ostracized me from the social group by showing up whenever people I enjoyed hanging out with and talking to were in the lunchroom. I eventually felt isolated as the company kept growing and I couldn't really get to meet the new co-workers because of her very presence. It was affecting a lot of things, I was getting a bit depressed and less able to cope with work, as well as getting frustrated to the point of meltdown more easily. Unfortunately, my ex moved back in with her parents in another state about 90 days after I left the company, as told to me through a mutual friend that she and I still keep in contact with. This makes the whole situation even harder to deal with, because I didn't have to do it, if I could have held out for 90 more days. Sigh. A valuable lesson for all about the pitfalls of dating a coworker.

 

[paloftoon]

well on the bright side, maybe you can re-apply to the job or company now.

 

[paloftoon]

. . .
There were three strikes that got me very angry that made me want to break up with her.....but I really didn't want to do it. I was unhappy with how the relationship had been going, and she tried to manipulate me over and over that it was all in my head. No, It wasn't. I was unhappy. I really loved her, and I think she loved me in her own way. However, we were too different to make things work, despite many common traits. I wanted to make things work in the worst way but she refused to spend any time with me outside of work. I wanted to gain a deeper, closer relationship, and she kept pushing me away. It all came to a head when she decided to not show up to my 30th B'day party because she had to watch her dog, and went out to see a movie that we both wanted to see with some random guy that her sister knew.

. . .

Based on what you told us, sounds like you should've made the break up earlier instead. It's hard to make that decision because you don't want it to be a big mistake that you can't take back either.
She did the right thing for breaking up based on what you've said, and I'm sorry it didn't work out between the two of you.

If you end up in a situation where someone is intentionally trying to prevent you from socializing or doing your job again, you need to find ways to stand up for yourself and to cope in those awkward instances so that someone can't walk all over you. As unprofessional of her as it was to do that, she could not be penalized because it's too much of a gray area for a company to get involved in. This is just one of those situations where you would have to find ways to cope with the things holding you back so that you don't get taken advantage of like that anymore.

 

[dhl02]

Based on what you told us, sounds like you should've made the break up earlier instead. It's hard to make that decision because you don't want it to be a big mistake that you can't take back either.
She did the right thing for breaking up based on what you've said, and I'm sorry it didn't work out between the two of you.

If you end up in a situation where someone is intentionally trying to prevent you from socializing or doing your job again, you need to find ways to stand up for yourself and to cope in those awkward instances so that someone can't walk all over you. As unprofessional of her as it was to do that, she could not be penalized because it's too much of a gray area for a company to get involved in. This is just one of those situations where you would have to find ways to cope with the things holding you back so that you don't get taken advantage of like that anymore.

Oh yeah, at this point, I wish we had just stayed friends back in 2015 when the whole conversation about dating started. Would have solved a bunch of issues. We were in a great place the following August, when she moved in with her sister and then everything started to fall apart slowly. The earliest I thought about pulling the plug was mid-October. In hindsight, I should have done it then. I know now it wasn't going to work out as we had a couple shared interests that were the "aspie interests" for both of us. There has to be more of a connection than that. Two common interests won't hold a romantic relationship together. You can be good friends, but not bf/gf. You need many more things you like in common, along with your Type A/B personality and introvert/extrovert. I also learned that being an introvert doesn't mean that you don't socialize with anyone most of the time, it just means you prefer to spend your free time alone. That was the biggest point of conflict in the relationship. She needed more alone time, I needed to spend more time with her. That wasn't going to end well. When I realized that, I decided to pull the plug. It wasn't going to work, we were too different. I liked her as a person, and a friend, just not as a gf. We were pretty close despite that.

I told her the following about three months after we broke up when the arguing and regret ceased: It isn't that I didn't love you, because I did, it isn't that I don't care, because I do, it is just that we were too different to continue dating. I'm sorry, because you had no idea this was coming and I'll miss you, but I understand that it is time for us to go our separate ways. When you get so close, and it doesn't work out there is no repairing things to be friends because the hurt is too deep, and I understand that. Good luck, I wish nothing but the best for you in life and I hope you find that special someone who could meet your wants and needs in a way that I couldn't. I was hoping that it would repair things enough to have a civil relationship as purely colleagues but it didn't work. The pettiness and passive aggressive behavior continued. I had to throw away a great job because the stress of her presence and wanting to stick it to me daily was too much to handle. I thought had attempted to stick up for myself I might put myself in legal danger inadvertently, or ended up involuntarily leaving.

 

[paloftoon]

Wow so you were honest and she still couldn't work with you. That's ashame. Life is so hard. Glad you've learned from it. Good luck.