I'm 22 years old, and by all natural logic of society, I should be on my own by this time. It shouldn't really matter that I'm Autistic and as a result I focus more on leisure than management of responsibilities, I should already possess the skills necessary to survive by myself.
But I'm still with my parents, my mother and stepfather.
I began to think a while back about what it would be like to live on my own. As attached as my family is to each other, emotions run high during events of separation, news of a death occurring, or anything else long-term. I was alone while meditating on this, and I pictured the whole event taking place; I pack up a backpack full of everything I want and need, I ask Maddog to pause his game and mom to pause her movie and I tell them both my plans. I imagine my heart sinking at my own words that I speak, heaving with sadness and making my chest cold. My mother's mood starts to falter at the sound of my ambitions being spoken and Maddog begins to drop his comedic, humorous stupor of laughter and smack talk he was using towards his multiplayer gaming session, and replaces it with an indifferent frown, a realization that his only stepson will no longer be there to do things like help him clean the room/house, play video games with him, or anything together.
As I awoke from my projection of the scenario...I couldn't help but cry. Because I foresaw that I would take on the inability to manage anything, and I would end up losing all my savings, my food supply would dwindle to nothing, and my resources would become nonexistent, before I know it I would find myself curled up in a ball in a tent on a cold, unforgiving night, crying a universal lamentation to my mother in deep apology, as I die an untimely, unnecessary death.
If it wouldn't be starvation or homelessness, then it would be a stress-induced heart attack, or cardiac arrest. I would be doomed either way.
So why don't I just go to a group home, you ask? Well...I've already been to one. It's horrible. What actually happens is that you will still get your SSI if you still have it, but every time you get your check, it goes directly to them and only them, and they only give you about 1/27th of it or so. You're being supported, but without money in your pocket what's the point of even having a check? Not to mention your family goes on without you, missing you. You know every time I called my mother from there, she told me that my little sister said she misses her big brother? She used to cry for me every night before she went to bed.
I refuse to let my family die without me.
I don't care what anyone thinks. Call me a manchild, call me lazy, call me a mooch, call me everything. I don't CARE. I would rather live a teenager's life than the life of a man who hates the world because he has to manage so much, and it keeps getting away from him. People die too early when they manage everything themselves. It's just no way to die or live.
So, I just decided that I'm fine with being co-dependent. It's a lot easier and it's way less stress for me. I keep talking about stress because, well, it's only one of the leading causes of death in America.
Would you rather die from a panic attack and end your life prematurely or die from old age having lived a full life? My philosophy is that it doesn't and shouldn't matter where you are and who you are with while you are still alive, when you grow up, you have every right to all your choices and decisions. They may not always matter, but for the ones that do, isn't that enough?
Besides, I have a little sister to look after when my folks aren't there. Have you ever heard of a nine-year-old taking care of herself?
But I'm still with my parents, my mother and stepfather.
I began to think a while back about what it would be like to live on my own. As attached as my family is to each other, emotions run high during events of separation, news of a death occurring, or anything else long-term. I was alone while meditating on this, and I pictured the whole event taking place; I pack up a backpack full of everything I want and need, I ask Maddog to pause his game and mom to pause her movie and I tell them both my plans. I imagine my heart sinking at my own words that I speak, heaving with sadness and making my chest cold. My mother's mood starts to falter at the sound of my ambitions being spoken and Maddog begins to drop his comedic, humorous stupor of laughter and smack talk he was using towards his multiplayer gaming session, and replaces it with an indifferent frown, a realization that his only stepson will no longer be there to do things like help him clean the room/house, play video games with him, or anything together.
As I awoke from my projection of the scenario...I couldn't help but cry. Because I foresaw that I would take on the inability to manage anything, and I would end up losing all my savings, my food supply would dwindle to nothing, and my resources would become nonexistent, before I know it I would find myself curled up in a ball in a tent on a cold, unforgiving night, crying a universal lamentation to my mother in deep apology, as I die an untimely, unnecessary death.
If it wouldn't be starvation or homelessness, then it would be a stress-induced heart attack, or cardiac arrest. I would be doomed either way.
So why don't I just go to a group home, you ask? Well...I've already been to one. It's horrible. What actually happens is that you will still get your SSI if you still have it, but every time you get your check, it goes directly to them and only them, and they only give you about 1/27th of it or so. You're being supported, but without money in your pocket what's the point of even having a check? Not to mention your family goes on without you, missing you. You know every time I called my mother from there, she told me that my little sister said she misses her big brother? She used to cry for me every night before she went to bed.
I refuse to let my family die without me.
I don't care what anyone thinks. Call me a manchild, call me lazy, call me a mooch, call me everything. I don't CARE. I would rather live a teenager's life than the life of a man who hates the world because he has to manage so much, and it keeps getting away from him. People die too early when they manage everything themselves. It's just no way to die or live.
So, I just decided that I'm fine with being co-dependent. It's a lot easier and it's way less stress for me. I keep talking about stress because, well, it's only one of the leading causes of death in America.
Would you rather die from a panic attack and end your life prematurely or die from old age having lived a full life? My philosophy is that it doesn't and shouldn't matter where you are and who you are with while you are still alive, when you grow up, you have every right to all your choices and decisions. They may not always matter, but for the ones that do, isn't that enough?
Besides, I have a little sister to look after when my folks aren't there. Have you ever heard of a nine-year-old taking care of herself?
