I need some good advice and experience please

[NiniS29]

Hello there to everyone I'm quite new here and my name is nina.
I would need some good advice or help from someone with experience or similar situation because i don't really know what to do...
So here is my story im sorry if it is very long.. I promise i make it short...

After being in A very abusive relationship for many years i found the person who seems to understand me and love me just the way i was by accident.. I thought i give the relationship a go. We were long distances for 2 years. He was from the uk and im from austria.. We were talking every day through text and would call a few times a week and visit every 5 months each other.. He seems to be the most loving and caring person i met.. A bit quirky and unique but at the same level as i am..

Soon he did let me know he never really lived with any girl before for long. He had 3 failing relationships which never lasted long, one cheated the other one was schizophrenic and abusive... He was 36 and i was 27 when we met..

Pretty soon i notice something was different with him.. Everytime when we met and each of us git back home he got distance after a while and didn't want to call or talk so much.. But texting was normal.. Which was fine but i did misunderstand because i missed him the most after that times.. When i said it. It would result into a argument that he feels bad by letting me down and he wants to decide whether we call or not i should leave it to him.. Was what i did. And we went on quite well again..

After two years up and down. We decided to move in together.. Means me to him basically... I must say i get along well also with his family and siblings.. We are like a big chaotic bunch and his mum is like a mum to me.. He has his own little flat and stuff which he is proud of and he is a very intelligent and smart guy and loves his music..

The month before i moved in.. He started to act weird.. It was last October.. He would refuse to give me a date when to pic me up at the airport and stuff and would give me weird work excuses... Well in the end he admitted and panict and screamed at me.. That he cant live with anyone it always goes wrong..ans he said you will be like my exes. After a long back and forth.. Of him and me giving him time..we decided to try it.. He said he needs more space than a normal person... Which i thought.. I know... I have ben always on my own.. Im not a nagging person or clingy so let's see how we get along for a few month and than decided... I just thought something isn't quite right.. Because one one hand he decided to move in and than he acts weird again.. And he always seems to be different when im with him and after i left again.

Well i moved in last October.. And what should i say.. It was very difficult.. I got a job immediately to my luck.. Wich was a nightmare aswell.. I choose something that was more in ther area of the flat.. Wich i could reach by walking.. Wich was the only positive.. Well when i moved in.. I met a man who was different from what i knew him.. We always spend a month together before or two every 5 to 6 month.. All was fine always.. But this time... I met a man who was distance.. Bit cold and acting strange..

I tried everything to not make him feel uncomfortable.. I would give him time.. Would tidied after him and cook and stuff.. Wich i didn't realise was the mistake.. I did to much.. I just wanted him to be comfortable with me.. Being there..im not the typical woman.. I have no make up or thousands of shoes.. Which means i lived pretty much out of my luggage.. Because of his tiny space. Which i tried not to change... Well i did to much. Was around all the time cooked for him.. Wanted to go out with him.. Like we would do before.. He didn't take it well..

On the week before Christmas.. He had his first proper melt down i would say now.. We went on bonfire night.. And i just said.. We ate not so bad together i think and you shouldn't expect all the time everything goes wrong.. So. He got proper mad. Saying weird stuff and accused me for things i never did and all kinds of stuff wich i never ever would do or would make sense.. And broke up with me. And did let me stand there.i thought i would faint i didn't even understand what happened.. I tried to process it and he walked back to me and said im sorry i didn't mean it like that and that he is not good with feelings...

So i myself got more quiet than for a long time... I did try to understand what happened.. And stuff.. But i couldn't at that time.. He probably broke up with me 4 times and took it back as fast as he said it. All the time when he was angry. And he would never really tell me exactly why what and whats wrong.

After Christmas in January. Everything seemed to get better.. And he seemed more comfortable and i gave him a lot more space for himself.. I thought we were ok by then.. But little did i know we were not...

I began to notice some tics.. He would start to put certain things back on places where the were before.. He would nearly never look me in the eye when he was talking about something.. And he would always pick his lips a lot. Especially when he got nervous... And also he always seems to keep one hand for himself.. So you never get a full hug... So i tried hard that basically his flat looks like it looked the day i stepped in it. To not wind him up. If something is on display..where it shouldn't be.. He would get upset... And he just said. He needs more space than others.. Which i more than give hime.i don't write him only if there is something important.. I let him to himself.. And got a job where we would have different days of but still spend a bit of time together.. Which got better..

But one thing is. He didn't say i love you from himself since 6 months now but he would say it back if you would. Which makes me wonder if he really does... He seems emotional so distant most of the time..and stopped being intimate as well.

He said he just feels not happy at the moment with the stress at work his private live wich he means the space of the flat and the money stuff. And once he said he feels no attraction because of the living.. And than he says no its just because he is unhappy... That did hurt me.. He not attracted to me.. Or is it something else.. I don't really know whats the truth thats the problem.

But on the other hand. I support him where i can.. He is very caring and lovely in his own way.....
And last week he had the worst meltdown ever.. I just came home after a nightshift.. He was in bed quite early that day and seemed to be moody or something... I was very sleepy and after a question of my day i fell half asleep and just said yea.. Aha.. That was all it took.

And then he started accusing me. Im guilt tripping him and im angry and everything.. Which was not true..he got very offensive in telling me to go and stuff.. Then jumped up hit his head and punched the wall and did throw everything that he could find.. Until he calmed down and i could get hold of him.. Then he sat down.. Looked like a tiny crying pile and said he is sorry...

I do think he is definitely on the spectrum.. Im the 3 person who thought about that.. I heard him saying that people at work said he would have asperger and he gone angry and said definitely not...

Im very aware that that might be the case. And i try my hardest now to give him what he needs more time and stuff for himself.. But i would like to go back at the relationship we had before but i have no clue how to make him more comfortable and open and happy as he was again.

Like i said. He has many problems on his own he wants to deal with. And he clearly said. He does not want to involve anyone because he must solve them on his own. And he is doing also his master until August or September...

I just feel emotionally lonely and exhausted sometimes... I just want the person back that he was.. Its better now.. We get along but. He seems like a empty shell sometimes and snappy and angry or sad. And it affects me...

Sorry for it being too long. But i had to explain it completely.

 

[Pats]

Not sure what you're asking. Are you asking if he is definitely on the spectrum or what you should do or how you might keep the relationship going? So, instead of advice, I will tell you about my own relationships. I would truly be attracted to someone and believe I was falling in love with them, but it was more of an obsession I think. But living with a person, I wasn't capable of doing, though I tried. Both have faults. My ex had faults and my biggest problem was coping with them. I can't take being yelled at and he would just start yelling at me out of the blue. But, even little things - when he would change the music I was listening to to something I hated, it was seriously like torture to me. Yes, he deliberately would change it to something he knew I didn't like but he didn't know just how tortuous the music he selected was to me. I'd try to tolerate it, but couldn't. So, yes, he was a jerk - but, even more so, I don't think I am able to tolerate someone living in my home. The more I would try to tolerate stuff, the worse it would get because, with autism, you can't just adjust and tolerate things that throw you into a meltdown. I need complete and full control over all my immediate surroundings and if someone else was living here, I wouldn't have that. If the other person was perfect, I don't think it would matter - I NEED to be alone. No matter how much I might care for the other person, if they moved in with me, I'm going to end up wanting them out.

 

[NiniS29]

Dear pats, thank you very much for your experience.. And your few.. That is indeed what i needed... Yea he told me he needs more space and iam since awhile now more able to give him that wich is good i suppose.. I don't change his stuff just because it would wind him up.. Sometimes he misinterpreted my emotions and would just blow up and stuff... I gave him the desicion if he wants to carry on or end it. I think what is his plan is buy a bigger house.. Because when we were able to talk he just said if he would think ig makes no sense and it would stay like this he would already ended it. I do very much suspect he is on the spectrum.. Now.. Everything made sense to me.. Now after zhe last few months... Befor i just felt helpless and didn't understand what i was doing wrong... I just hope he understands or at least tries to figure out that he might have asperger....
And i just want to know what i could do better.. Sometimes i feel sad or lonely because of his reaction and it is just something he is not aware and if o say it. He would be upset again...

 

[Pats]

I'm glad it was helpful to you, but I do hope you also consider yourself in this relationship. If you read things other's have written who are married to or involved with someone on the spectrum, they always say how lonely they are. My son, I believe is on the spectrum and, although he has a good marriage, his wife (of 25 years) still tells me how lonely she gets because he is not capable of giving her what SHE needs. I told her that she has to be clear and tell him what she needs him to do specifically because if she hints her way it just makes him feel bad and he's going to get defensive and clams up then she feels lonely and neglected. So instead of "I need you to pay more attention to me" (which he doesn't understand) it works better if she says she needs them to spend the first 10 minutes when he gets home from work talking to her. To him, the fact that he works 18 hours a day for weeks at a time so he can take her on trips out west, means he loves her and for her she wants compliments, holding hands and phone calls during the day.
So I guess I'm saying you need to think about what you want and is he able to give you that? Because over time, it wears on you.

 

[Tom]

Hi,
Just so you know, this isn't a forum of professional mental health experts. There is no one here who can do diagnosis or give expert advice. We mainly are just people on the spectrum ourselves. You can study up on autism and gain better understanding of it. But that will only go so far in improving things (if he is on the spectrum). I think to make more significant improvements he has to investigate it himself.

... I have no make up or thousands of shoes...

That is one area my wife and I have developed a nice symbiotic relationship. She does like both. I love organizing things and shoe boxes are one of my favorite storage units. So I encourage her to buy shoes so I can get the boxes! But I have no use for makeup containers. Always little fancy useless things. But you can't win them all. Another win-win is fine chocolates often come in great containers!

 

[NiniS29]

You are right.. The fact is.. He is definitely not like others.. But he would be the one who picks me up from work no matter how late or does the cooking when I'm to tired of work. He is sometimes very childish with showing that he loves you like poking you or tickling you.. But hr likes to hug or cuddle.. But than that's it. Everything he did before seems to me now it was just because he wanted to impress me or something.. He seems to be different comfortably now with me.. He is a very good man. Besides everything and there for me.. But he just has this issues with emotions or opening up.. When he is to stressed about everything and cant see out he shuts down and i get all of his moods loades on..

 

[Pats]

Hi,
Just so you know, this isn't a forum of professional mental health experts. There is no one here who can do diagnosis or give expert advice. We mainly are just people on the spectrum ourselves. You can study up on autism and gain better understanding of it. But that will only go so far in improving things (if he is on the spectrum). I think to make more significant improvements he has to investigate it himself.



That is one area my wife and I have developed a nice symbiotic relationship. She does like both. I love organizing things and shoe boxes are one of my favorite storage units. So I encourage her to buy shoes so I can get the boxes! But I have no use for makeup containers. Always little fancy useless things. But you can't win them all. Another win-win is fine chocolates often come in great containers!

I had to laugh at the shoe box thing. I love boxes - cigar boxes, boxes that were made, pretty boxes. I hang onto shoe boxes for storing things. Any decent size box - I want. Because I can put SOMETHING inside them.

 

[NiniS29]

Hi,
Just so you know, this isn't a forum of professional mental health experts. There is no one here who can do diagnosis or give expert advice. We mainly are just people on the spectrum ourselves. You can study up on autism and gain better understanding of it. But that will only go so far in improving things (if he is on the spectrum). I think to make more significant improvements he has to investigate it himself.



That is one area my wife and I have developed a nice symbiotic relationship. She does like both. I love organizing things and shoe boxes are one of my favorite storage units. So I encourage her to buy shoes so I can get the boxes! But I have no use for makeup containers. Always little fancy useless things. But you can't win them all. Another win-win is fine chocolates often come in great containers!

But thats great. He loves trinkets or boxes to-
But if i bring in some stuff he would get overwhelmed and be shattered again. So better not..
I just want to see it exactly and understand it from people who have similar experience or know more..how to cope and for me be more understanding.. Thank you very much for your reply


Guitar

 

[Tom]

Guitar

Don't quite understand that. Is it like screenplay annotation? "Guitar strumming here" Or your nickname?

But about stuff. Not all Aspies are the same in anything, but some (myself included) are stuff or clutter adversive. Its like visual noise to me. Sometimes it doesn't bother me but at others is intrusive and bothers me in the same way loud music being played next door might bother you. But in my case I know I am Aspie and can go overboard about it. So I try and work with my wife to work out something that is fair and equitable. She, btw, is very beautiful, intelligent and caring, but a Clutter Queen that loves to buy and collect stuff. It wouldn't be fair to be all one or the other, for then one of us would be suppressed/unhappy. So we have to work out compromises. We have clutter friendly and clutter-free zones in the house.

 

[Tom]

I had to laugh at the shoe box thing. I love boxes - cigar boxes, boxes that were made, pretty boxes. I hang onto shoe boxes for storing things. Any decent size box - I want. Because I can put SOMETHING inside them.

Yes... And you really know its bad when you need storage containers to store your empty storage containers.

 

[NiniS29]

Don't quite understand that. Is it like screenplay annotation? "Guitar strumming here" Or your nickname?

But about stuff. Not all Aspies are the same in anything, but some (myself included) are stuff or clutter adversive. Its like visual noise to me. Sometimes it doesn't bother me but at others is intrusive and bothers me in the same way loud music being played next door might bother you. But in my case I know I am Aspie and can go overboard about it. So I try and work with my wife to work out something that is fair and equitable. She, btw, is very beautiful, intelligent and caring, but a Clutter Queen that loves to buy and collect stuff. It wouldn't be fair to be all one or the other, for then one of us would be suppressed/unhappy. So we have to work out compromises. We have clutter friendly and clutter-free zones in the house.

Haha no my phone has copied the guitar on the end of my text.. Automatically..

I know what you mean. Its the same with us but he knows my place is the kitchen for example so he lets me do my stuff and by my gadgets and my hundreds of herbs wich costed him great understanding because he is very minimalistic in every room.. He has his stuff and so.. Im a chef by the way.. So in the bed room is his music stuff were he can work on and have some quiet times.. Because our flat is very small and the only door to close is the bathroom.. Wich makes it not easy to get some time away. But with my job i manage it.. I see he tries to compromise and tries so hard to let me aswell.. But it defi3 needs a solution wixh both can be happy.. He just also needs a room where he can be by himself..

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[Fino]

Sounds like maybe professional help would good for him.

 

[NiniS29]

Thank you very much.. Many nice people here.. Hope you are well!

 

[NiniS29]

Sounds like maybe professional help would good for him.

Yea thats what i would like him to do... But im the 4 person who thinks he is on the spectrum. And he doesn't like that at all.. He gets angry of you jus say anything like that... He thibks its just anxiety

 

[tducey]

Enjoy your time on this board. It's a great board to discuss all things Autism.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Hi Nini,

You're so kind to endure so much.

I lived with my Aspie husband in a tiny room too (albeit for a few months only yearly). It is comfortable when our relationship is on the happy/peace mode. But living in a tiny house without separate rooms takes toll on relationship.

Does he has a room for himself? How about you? Please take care of yourself, don't feel too guilty or worried so much.. You've tried your best I believe, and it's ok to take a rest..

 

[NiniS29]

Hi Nini,

You're so kind to endure so much.

I lived with my Aspie husband in a tiny room too (albeit for a few months only yearly). It is comfortable when our relationship is on the happy/peace mode. But living in a tiny house without separate rooms takes toll on relationship.

Does he has a room for himself? How about you? Please take care of yourself, don't feel too guilty or worried so much.. You've tried your best I believe, and it's ok to take a rest..

Its nice to meet you.. It was very hard in the beginning the firat 4 months.. Now we kund of got used to each other as it seems.
Its like you say its difficult in a tiny flat.. And sometimes i struggle because he seems to be so different to the person i met. When he is on his low wich is happening since a few weeks now when he got his mega meltdown.
The bedroom is separated through a wall with the living room but still no door to close..and i think that is what he would need a sort of space where he can be for himself sometime.. And i can to.. It did get more hard for me because im exhausted lately and have much work but dont see him often because of it. And of course i miss spending much more time together.. But i guess everything is exhausting at the moment for him aswell. Because i see he tries hard...
And he seems so have in mind to buy a bigger place later on. But you can't really talk about future with him.. He blocks any conversation wich includes desicions

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Yes... And you really know its bad when you need storage containers to store your empty storage containers.

I have 2 boxes filled with empty boxes.

They might come in handy.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

The difficult thing, I think, is breaking down the conversation down into meanings and expectations.

Often, if I say something and mean it literally, what is understood is not what I said but what my wife thought it meant.

Then the confusion multiplies.

Thay can result in shut down, as the next statement received cant be understood...

Especially if there is an attempt to use words to convey a feeling.