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I keep devaluing myself because I have aspergers

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pastelbloodbath

Active Member
I feel like i don't associate with anyone who is autistic and I'm ashamed of having autism, mostly from people on the Internet using slurs towards us. So I mostly keep to myself about what I am because I'm afraid that if I do tell people I'll be seen as more of a burden or scare people off like I'm some kind of freak. I feel like if I've never had this disorder then I'd be able to live a full, happy life. I have to monitor every word I say because it would absolutely crush me if someone noticed my stutter or how long I take in between groups of words to process what I need to say. does anyone feel the same?
 
No, I'm not ashamed of being autistic. Having Aspergers means that I act, think and see the world a bit different to how others see it, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of. As Temple Grandin says, we are different, not less. Also, disability is in the eye of the beholder.

However, people can be very judgemental, and there are always those who will judge you according to whatever preconceived stereotypes and notions they may have of a condition, rather than your qualities as a person. For this reason, I'm very selective about who I tell, and only tell people on a need-to-know basis.
 
I agree with Progster, but having said that I have to reflect on something else.

Being a 'known' aspie happened late in life for me (50) and I see you are still a young 'un. I'm guessing that had I been diagnosed in my teens I would have reacted differently than I have done, and that would have meant my life would probably have been a very different affair.

I know I have said many times on AC that I'm not ashamed of being an aspie and that I happily tell people, but I was an older person who had 'managed' through life without knowing.
 
pastelbloodbath said:
I feel like i don't associate with anyone who is autistic and I'm ashamed of having autism, mostly from people on the Internet using slurs towards us. So I mostly keep to myself about what I am because I'm afraid that if I do tell people I'll be seen as more of a burden or scare people off like I'm some kind of freak. I feel like if I've never had this disorder then I'd be able to live a full, happy life. I have to monitor every word I say because it would absolutely crush me if someone noticed my stutter or how long I take in between groups of words to process what I need to say. does anyone feel the same?
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Yes, but with me i devalue myself because of the issues i have that are from my undiagnosed AS/HFA - like how i don't read people well, can't carry my weight in a conversation, can be clumsy, cant drive yet at almost 24, etc. I didn't know until the past year or two that i even (probably) had AS/HFA so for me its always been about how i've never measured up in comparison to those around me, and it only recently gained a reason - autism. That doesn't change the fact i still think of myself as not good enough and that i should just try harder cause its how i was raised. If anything, the idea that i have autism although it helped understand in a way it did make it worse cause at least before i always thought i could get over it if i tried hard enough. Now i have to acknowledge and accept that there are some things that will always be harder for me than for other people who do not have autism.
 
I am another one that didn't know when I was younger. I didn't blame myself for being bullied or ostracized, though I was. I blamed the other people. I think that helped me avoid the destruction of my self esteem and self confidence, in my mind, it was them, not me 100%.

Somewhere about age 20, I decided I was a pretty cool person and, if someone didn't want to know me or, be my friend, it was their loss, not mine. That made life a lot better as far as I was concerned.

I also have a career that while stressful and a lot of hard work, is centered around having very high self confidence and self esteem and, my handlers do all they can to promote that in me - sometimes a bit too much. I find myself with the opposite struggle. Instead of struggling to see my self as good enough, I struggle to see myself as anything less than a goddess.

It would be easy for me to be an arrogant arse who thought she was better than 90% of the world's population. Realistically, I'm not any better than anyone else, I just capitalized on my passions and skills in a big way is all but, people in my position never hear the end of the praise, compliments and encouragement from everyone around us.

If I could, I'd bring each of you into that world long enough for every Aspie and Autie out there to gain the self esteem and confidence that has carried me so well all of these years. I'd make sure everyone knew and believe that they were capable of anything they set their minds to doing. You each really are but, I know so many lack the self assurance to believe that. I'd give it to each of you if I knew how.
 
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Hi & Welcome,
For me there have always been as many advantages as disadvantages to being the way I am, though I did not know for a long time it was HFA. Although the social problems are annoying and make continual challenges, I trully enjoy my mindset and mental nuances and being different from norm. I feel like I can see things in a different way from most as well as get the usual view too.
 
I hate being held back while everyone else progresses past me, even though everyone tells me it's okay not to be driving yet. it really upsets me that I can't live a normal life like everyone else.
 
Given that I now have 4-5 "unforgivable" marks against me, I am the bane of the internet and modern society a few times over. You either learn to work with yourself and what you are or wallow in self pity for the rest of your life and let other people make you miserable. Being autistic doesn't matter, being normal doesn't matter. What's important is to learn, adapt, and survive. Bonus points if you get to have a little fun along the way. Acknowledge both your strengths and weaknesses, not just one or the other. Keep company with those that are worth it, reject those that ain't. And stop trying to keep up with the Johnsons!
 
In the 12 years since my diagnosis of Aspergers and NVLD, I've seen public attitude shift significantly towards the positive in regards to autism acceptance and (this is a word that gets tossed around a lot) neurodiversity. I encounter more and more people who may not be on the spectrum but might have kids or relatives who are, and the level of pride I see in them warms my heart. Are there arseholes out there wanting to belittle us? Absolutely, and that will remain the case for just about anything that strays outside of their cultural "norm." But I think things are getting better for us. Did I used to feel shame about my condition? Oh yes! Especially when I was trying to navigate the strange and unfamiliar worlds of high school and college; I wanted desperately to be "more like everyone else." It's a normal feeling. As I've matured I now feel quite differently.
 
Pastel, I wish you had stated where on the spectrum you are. Some of the more vocal and perhaps confident are Aspers. Other Aspers may include Newton, Einstein, Tesla, Edison Bill Gates and many other that shifted the human paradigm. Wherever you are on the spectrum we are here for you.
My interest is finding Aspers that desire to change the conversation, the attitudes of the NT and the world. At 67, I don't have that much time left, but I am as proud as I can be in such magnificent company!
 
I struggled with feeling ashamed of my Asperger social issues for a long time
it has not been until relatively recently in fact that i finally realised that the
terrible, depressing, self loathing feelings I thought were all due to my Asperger's
I felt as though i did not seem to belong anywhere socially, I felt like I didn't
belong in my own skin etc... had absolutely nothing to do with my aspergers
and everything to do with shame.

As other people have pointed out, and these people know what they are on about
Asperger's comes with many benefits. Please don't spend anymore time feeling
bad about yourself, believe me, you can end up wasting a lot of time suffering
needlessly. Be proud. As Epicurean Pariah said, many of the most influential people
this world has known have had asperger's, who knows maybe you could be one of
them. Be proud, another bonus of aspergers is that it acts as an asshole detector,
anyone gives you a hard time....Beep...Asshole, don't spend any energy on them.

What are your interests? Passions? Whatever they are they are more important
than feeling bad, and way more important than any asshole giving you a hard time.
Be proud.
 
You associate with plenty of autistics now. ;)

Please don't let the haters (on the Internet and elsewhere) determine your sense of self-worth, Pastel. Let intelligence, not ignorance, be your influence. There are plenty of successful people on the spectrum. Right here on AC we have members who demonstrate just how exceptional autistics can be: one of us here has an internationally known TV show, another has made a name in the music industry, another tops their field in Eastern medicine and related disciplines, another is an accomplished psychologist and political activist, another is very much respected in the tech world, another was a successful CEO -- I'll bet most of the jerks you see putting down people with autism don't have half the achievements of any of the members I've noted (and plenty of others here). Besides, only cowards attack what they don't understand.

I'm yet another Aspie who found out later (at 44) that I'm on the spectrum. I agree with Harrison that I might have felt differently about my autism if I had been diagnosed before I'd had a chance to develop more as a person, and I often wonder if it isn't as much of a curse as a blessing to be identified so young, since so many younger autistics seem to be down on themselves for having an ASD. Finding out I'm an Aspie so late may have spared me from allowing a label to prevent me from anything. I didn't dwell on my liabilities -- I strove to overcome or get around them because I didn't have a list of diagnostic criteria to tell me I probably couldn't. I still have some difficulties from my Asperger's, but it's pretty amazing how much I've grown and adapted myself over time.

ASDs are a challenge and I totally understand and empathize with your frustrations, but keep in mind that ASDs also come with a number of gifts that many NTs lack. Here's a favorite list of advantages that come with Asperger's/HFA that I like to post to new members who are feeling less than satisfied with who they are as people on the spectrum. Take some time to identify these strengths in yourself, and reflect on what you can do with them to neutralize your personal challenges. When you see or hear something negative about your ASD, remember the list and be proud to be you. :)

By the way, I don't drive, either. But I've never let it stop from getting anywhere or doing anything I wanted. Not doing everything the mainstream does isn't a sign that you're deficient. Finding alternative ways of being and doing can make you a better, stronger person than most, if you can learn to ignore the pressure to be "normal". And anyway, normal is just so boring. :D
 
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I'm NT, but I know what it's like to be out of step with everyone else. I very much love a woman who is an aspie. and I think right now, she's going through the same thing that you are. Partly, because her father abandoned her and partly because of her autism. The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I don't think she recognizes that she deserves to be loved. The first step for you, my friend, is to not make that mistake. Recognize that you deserve to be loved and if somebody tells you they love you, and they seem like a good person, give them a chance. You deserve it. And, anyone who loves you will benefit from having you in their lives. Don't be ashamed of who you are, it's not a moral failing, it's what makes you unique. Tell yourself that you deserve to be loved and give yourself permission to be loved.
 
As I just reminded one of my high profile friends who's struggling right now (and as his fans demonstrated today) Forget the haters, lots of us love you so, stay strong.

I think it needs to be said here too. You don't have to be a celebrity to have fans. A fan is someone who supports you and a true fan is someone who supports you even when you screw up. Look around, we all have a few of those here - we are each others best fans. :)
 
My friends, reading this thread from start to finish, was about as moving an experience as I can remember.
I hope this thread is read by the newbies as well as the down in spirit.
Even I feel inspired by the power of your suggestions. Can you all feel the power of Aspergers united in their confidence? I can.
 
Epicurean Pariah said:
Pastel, I wish you had stated where on the spectrum you are. Some of the more vocal and perhaps confident are Aspers. Other Aspers may include Newton, Einstein, Tesla, Edison Bill Gates and many other that shifted the human paradigm. Wherever you are on the spectrum we are here for you.
My interest is finding Aspers that desire to change the conversation, the attitudes of the NT and the world. At 67, I don't have that much time left, but I am as proud as I can be in such magnificent company!
Click to expand...
im functioning aspergers :)
 
pastelbloodbath said:
im functioning aspergers :)
Click to expand...

Pastel, we hope to encourage you to become a force of personal and social change. If you can find a path that interests and motivated you to become an excellent person by habit you can change your self, your society, and your world.
Our future is calling, you. We need to help each other.
 
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