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I have a crush on my best friend

h_tadl

Member
I've known this girl for almost 10 years. We met in middle school (we're both in uni now). We've always been very good friends. For a while, I had a crush on her, and a couple of years ago we both admitted to having had crushes on each other in the past. At that point I didn't have feelings for her anymore though.
But over the past few months we started talking more than before, we now text pretty much daily now, and those feelings I had for her have returned. I think about her all the time. Now I'm just scared that I am too late and that she has already moved on. I really want to tell her how I feel, but I'm obviously afraid that it would ruin our friendship (or at least make it awkward) if she doesn't feel the same way. I wouldn't want to lose my best friend.. I keep thinking about how I would go about telling her, but nothing seems right. I feel like I am overthinking it a lot.

Has anyone had a similar experience and actually confessed to their crush? If so, how did it affect you guys?
 
If you have real friendship, it will survive this kind of question. It's up to you, but personally I say life is short and go for it. Tell her you're interested in going to the next level but would like to maintain your friendship if she's not interested, if possible.
 
I have not been in that situation, but I imagine the best approach is to keep it as low-pressure as possible. Like, express how you feel and stress how you're not asking for anything or expecting anything. And that you are very happy remaining friends, but feel the need to be transparent, and you respect her needs and boundaries.
 
You can ask her if she has moved on, and her feelings towards you, and then the penultimate expression of vulnerability and tell her about your feelings towards her. A good friend will understand.

Something like what you are going through happened to me but highly compresses in time. I was very shy and overly sensitive to rejection, only starting to date at 26. After a failed relationship I called a woman I did not know from a trip leader's suggestion that we should carpool to a National Sierra Club project. We talked frequently over several months and planned the road trip together. We were becoming friends and the road trip solidified that. On our final day in Cades Cove before meeting the group we had a wonderful time. I went waaaaay out of my comfort zone and exposed my vulnerability to her by asking her if she would like to make love (I was still a virgin at 28). My mind panicked and I did not hear her assent. Cutting through my confusion she lovingly and patiently explained that we would be taking our friendship to a new level. I never felt so very accepted and desired in my life and I made love to her with great intensity. I must admit that making love with a friend went beyond mere lust.

Go for it. It is better to find out one way or another, and if you have read your friendship correctly, she probably has feelings for you. You do not want to continue on, just playing the sad game of "what if." My experience significantly changed my life for the better, and we have been together for 45 years. The nicest thing she told me much later was, that unlike other guys, I cared about her pleasure (and so she did not know I was inexperienced). I may not have been her first lover, but I was the last one she wanted.
 
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I have trouble closing that door once it’s been opened. If you have a crush on someone and you’re also their friend, breaking that boundary can certainly change things, in my experience. Some people are capable of managing these feelings, but for my part, once feelings like you’re having have been confessed, it is very difficult to go back to “just friends.”

The question I always wonder about is if you really are just friends, are you perfectly comfortable with that other person dating someone else? That’s what just friends means and if there will be jealousy if the person found a partner that was not you, then I think things can get very complicated.

Particularly since you and she have discussed this in the past, it seems like you’re in a good position to express your feelings and see what happens. Wouldn’t that be better than sitting with them quietly? It’s almost as if noticing these feelings has already opened the door. It’s just a matter of choosing if you want to go through it or if you want to compartmentalize these feelings and continue being “just friends.”

Expressing your feelings will likely change things, but things have already changed in noticing and accepting your feelings.
 
My experience: in school, I was always hanging out with my best friend and his on-again/off-again girlfriend. I got along great with her. After she had finished college, they broke up. It was very tough on her, and I was there to have a shoulder to cry on. We spent a lot of time together. We took some trips together, and I'd stayed at her place a time or two. Purely platonic. No doubt, I had a crush, but I couldn't bring myself to possibly destroy the friendship. My best friends father thought highly of both of us, and tried to get the two of us together. He told me, more than once, that if I didn't pursue her, I would live to regret it. And I just kept coming back, it's not worth losing the friendship.

Well, at one point, in a very gentle way, I touched on the subject in a letter. (yeah, I'm getting old! This was pre-email.) She let me know, equally gently, that she didn't have those type of feelings for me.

The sad part: we are both married now, and at most we get to talk once a year. Many of my favorite memories were with her, but I can no longer make new ones. That deep friendship wasn't able to stand up to our later situations, due to understandable jealousy of both our partners. Had I really pursued it, really gave it all I had, what might have happened? Honestly, I still have a hard time picturing it actually working. But, I'll never know, will I?
 
My experience: in school, I was always hanging out with my best friend and his on-again/off-again girlfriend. I got along great with her. After she had finished college, they broke up. It was very tough on her, and I was there to have a shoulder to cry on. We spent a lot of time together. We took some trips together, and I'd stayed at her place a time or two. Purely platonic. No doubt, I had a crush, but I couldn't bring myself to possibly destroy the friendship. My best friends father thought highly of both of us, and tried to get the two of us together. He told me, more than once, that if I didn't pursue her, I would live to regret it. And I just kept coming back, it's not worth losing the friendship.

Well, at one point, in a very gentle way, I touched on the subject in a letter. (yeah, I'm getting old! This was pre-email.) She let me know, equally gently, that she didn't have those type of feelings for me.

The sad part: we are both married now, and at most we get to talk once a year. Many of my favorite memories were with her, but I can no longer make new ones. That deep friendship wasn't able to stand up to our later situations, due to understandable jealousy of both our partners. Had I really pursued it, really gave it all I had, what might have happened? Honestly, I still have a hard time picturing it actually working. But, I'll never know, will I?
Playing that "what if" game can be destructive. When I would be triggered and inhabit the mind of the wounded, lonely young man I was, the what ifs would trigger very negative thoughts of myself. It is better to know at the time than to cling to a hope that is as dead as the past. Plus, The response of my future spouse to my vulnerability was so nice that I knew she was the one for me, regardless of our common interests (she was looking for a man she could do outdoor activities with).
 
Drama Dont Mind GIF by PeacockTV
me when it wasn't the other way around:her crushing on me.

i dont like you mara wilson GIF
what happened to me instead of being crushed on by her.

Angry Inside Out GIF by Disney Pixar
my reaction to it.

No Way Wow GIF
me when i ended up seeing her face,supposedly at an adult program that i currently attend(she had the absolute of some nerve to do it :mad: :rage: :angry: :imp: whether she was a staffer at the location that i'm attending,a staffer at another location,a higher up of the program's organization or hopefully none of the above,especially if i was seeing things based on the gif i posted (hopefully i was),regardless,i don't believe that a girl who wronged me hurtfully,would work with people like me with any type of disability,after what she did to me that i had a meltdown because of,along with nearly being hospitalized for.
 

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