I hate myself for getting constantly worried when I start a conversation online, people don’t seem to talk to me

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

I really sound like I’m seeking attention, that’s because deep down, I’ve felt like I’m living in the shadows of the online community. Ironically though I don’t like to socialize with strangers in real life because I don’t feel safe in those situations.

I hate having to constantly ask others if they’re doing ok when they don’t respond to me for several days. I try to be patient, but the more I wait, the more anxious I feel. But still I worry about them and care for them deeply. I normally don’t like to have two or more people crammed in the same conversation, as the many times I’ve done it, it spells disaster.

I hate that I have attention seeking behavior and I am slowly going crazy when everyone else just overlooks me and is more expressive to the public. I know, selfish. I stick to private conversations because I don’t like to spark up controversy in public and leave myself in a worse situation than I already am.

I’ve been told I’m just being miserable and refusing to be happy, but they don’t realize I’ve always been this way. My emotional needs are not met. When they tell me they’re only trying to help me, they don’t have a clue about me because I don’t WANT help. I have my own standards. I hate having to make public conversations because I fear I will be judged over either little things or something I cannot control. And I have.

This is my last resort. People seem to be walking through me like I’m a ghost. I don’t want to be doing this. But I have no choice. No one listens to me in real life and I hate myself for craving attention online. I’m going crazy.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I just want to tell you that I know what you are talking about and I relate. I'm fortunate to be doing quite well socially now, but I used to be in a very similar headspace to you, where I wanted people to notice me, or pay at least some attention to me, but I was completely invisible, without really knowing why. I took part in volunteering and events, but while others managed to form connections, I was left out even when working and spending more time at events than others. I also find it difficult when people don't respond and don't say why, even though I'm patient.

I hate having to constantly ask others if they’re doing ok when they don’t respond to me for several days. I try to be patient, but the more I wait, the more anxious I feel. But still I worry about them and care for them deeply.

This is among the things I struggle with the most socially, as sending another message can make me seem desperate or needy (which is a bad thing), but sometimes they really did just forget and are thankful for the reminder. It always feels like a risk to me to send another message, and when they don't respond to that one I don't really know what to do.

What I'm saying is that I relate, and understand how frustrating it is. You are not alone in this, and I'm sure there are many people dealing with the same thoughts on this very forum. I've been in this situation for most of my life and it's only in the last few years that things have changed. Partly due to luck and partly due to mental health work and gaining a better understanding of myself. I can't promise that I'll reply soon as I have quite a few obligations, but feel free to send me a message if you need to get some things off your chest. I'm wishing you the best.

 

[Misery]

Just out of curiosity, where are you trying to start conversations online? Is it like, Discord or Reddit or something?

The reason I ask is because some places online are... just not exactly what they're cracked up to be. Which is putting it mildly.

I actually tried starting a conversation on Reddit once, that ended... poorly. Wont do THAT again, I tell ya.

but sometimes they really did just forget and are thankful for the reminder.

Yep. Not just that, also some people just arent very good with this type of communication. I'm an example of this, really. Like, people who know me offline, right, some friend or family member maybe might send me a text message via their phone. And people often have expectations for that, yeah? But if someone were to text message me, it could take me an entire week to respond. It aint that I dont want to talk to them. It's that A: I really hate phones, B: I dont USE phones, and so C: I often forget mine exists, and I'm rarely in the mood to deal with the stupid thing anyway. It is usually out of battery in some corner somewhere. Actually even as I type this I have no idea where it is. So, messages get missed because I literally have no idea that the messages are there... it has nothing whatsoever to do with the person who tried to message me. Drives everyone I know crazy. I have made a point of explaining this to everyone though.

People can be like that online as well, or whatever. Maybe they didnt see the message yet. Maybe they DID see it, but figured "well I'm about to eat so I'll respond to it later" and then forgot. Or they were at work and then forgot extra hard due to stress or something.

I dont know, that's just my thoughts on it as someone who is usually the one failing to respond to things.

 

[Jacks Brain]

I've been wondering if aspies are more fond of the written word than NT people are. I used to do immediate, thorough replies; but that seems to make NTs angry. I don't understand how it works, but they seem to have a system of short and delayed replies.

I don't like the spoken word myself, and hate the telephone.

 

[Sasha22]

I hate having to make public conversations because I fear I will be judged over either little things or something I cannot control. And I have.

I think doing it despite that fear is a good exercise.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

I think doing it despite that fear is a good exercise.

I hate having to think about public conversations, it’s just a complete time waster. In fact, I just hate having any form of exercise in general. Any task, no matter how tiny it is, easily EXHAUSTS the hell out of me.

 

[Hypnalis]

@2Fragile2TakeCriticism

A comment about part of the OP:
There's a general principle that applies here:

"Don't outsource your happiness to other people"

It's not just "happiness" of course, but IMO that formulation works well.

It's in opposition to the way a large part of society is moving, with "attention and validation" being valued over substance. But in this case the zeitgeist is wrong to the point of it being collective self-harm (sadly not for the first time - humanity's track record in this respect isn't good).

For an individual, it's a very useful reminder to think about your objectives when you communicate:

Is the conversation about something of mutual or collective interest ... or is it, for example, about "fishing for "likes"?
And if it's the second of these, is it necessary for your well-being?

 

[Sasha22]

It's not just "happiness" of course, but IMO that formulation works well.

I agree that delegating responsibility should be done responsibly.

I post a lot of stuff without being sure if it has a chance of serving the collective interest. But at the very least, it helps me figure out where my perspective stands in the group, and learn about alternative perspectives - as well as learn about my ability to handle perspectives I don't relate to.

 

[Richelle-H]

The thing about messaging back and forth online is that it has replaced letter writing. I used to do quite a bit of that back in my twenties. A private message between two individuals can still be as intimate without fear of some disrupting view that others might put forth.

On the other hand, while I am always polite, I will eagerly offer an opinion when it may expand the conversation beyond any preconceived boundaries, but that is just me and differences are what makes the world interesting to me.