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I had a first date with a quality date, but. . .

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I have a date that has a good job and we seem to have some things in common, kind of.

His mother lives with him though, and she needs to be taken care of. It feels kind of weird that someone with their own place won't be able to have me over. When I try to bring this up, it's indirectly answered that his mother lives with him.

He also told me he's open to all kinds of food and comes off like a foodie and he told me that he loves sushi. So, when we went for sushi (and sashimi)i, he seemed particularly bothered by textures and it was too hard for me to gauge what he liked of sashimi if anything.

He seemed surprised that I would torture myself to eat stuff even if I didn't like it because it's respectful of culture and sustainability. If he doesn't like it, he feels that one should not finish or eat something. I pointed out that there are some people who hate all vegetables. Does that mean they should not eat any at all? He agreed that people have to try to figure something out.

I also pointed out that the more open you are about different foods, the less concern you might need to worry about if you're getting certain nutrients in your body. What might be more concerning is the quantity of food one takes in.

I am a foodie like a Bourdain but more like Zimmerman.

After that conversation, he was like "I was just testing you." First few times, I thought that response was funny, but now it is getting old. I feel like a child and I don't like that feeling. (I don't remember if he told me he was "just testing me" after this particular context, but comparably quality contexts he would make such a dull comment. It's supposed to be funny and lighten the mood, but I feel it's impractical and can get in the way if we have to deal with real problems.)

We have only had one date so far. I've determined and with talking with a friend as well that I want to continue dating him and see what happens despite some of the frustrations.
 
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Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Have you discussed your frustrations with him? Communication is central to a healthy relationship. After all, you can just repeat that YOU are testing him.

However, I think "testing" the other person rather than letting things unfold to get a measure of the other person is concerning and is harmful to the development of trust. He has shown you a little of himself.

Working in different cultures I have treated the enjoyment of local foods as a way to make friends and I have enjoyed the discovery.
 

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Have you discussed your frustrations with him? Communication is central to a healthy relationship. After all, you can just repeat that YOU are testing him.

However, I think "testing" the other person rather than letting things unfold to get a measure of the other person is concerning and is harmful to the development of trust. He has shown you a little of himself.

Working in different cultures I have treated the enjoyment of local foods as a way to make friends and I have enjoyed the discovery.

I am not going to try to "test" him because "tests" will come naturally. If I feel like I have to "test" someone, then I'm not valuing the potential quality of the relationship.

I have told him that I'm just trying to be real with him or that if he says I'm being naughty, I say "no", I think it's totally fine to crave physicality (by using context to create flirtiness) and not just simply saying "I want you".

I guess I can try to be more direct if I notice it come up. Sometimes it's hard to "react" super properly in the moment. I guess I can try to find a good time to bring it up as this type of behavior is likely to continue.
 
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Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I am not going to try to "test" him because "tests" will come naturally. If I feel like I have to "test" someone, then I'm not valuing the potential quality of the relationship.

I have told him that I'm just trying to be real with him or that if he says I'm being naughty, I say "no", I think it's totally fine to crave physicality.
What a healthy view! I think you are right on the money. Until I really changed myself, I never saw intimacy as a normal part of life. How sad is that? I was able to transcend that negative idea with my future spouse though my mind almost did not let me. When I was panicked that being intimate would hurt our friendship, she very kindly explained that we would take it to a new level. I have always loved her for that.
 

Orange Glasses

Well-Known Member
@paloftoon -

Based on what you wrote, I see way too many red flags. Mind games etc. If he is this bad on a first date, I can only assume it will get worse. Are you sure he is living with his mother and not his wife/girlfriend?

You sound like a very smart woman with your head on straight and any man would be very lucky to be in a relationship with you. Please don't settle for anything less than you deserve.
 

Magna

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
What about the mom thing? I get that she apparently "needs to be taken care of", but what exactly does that mean? To what extent? Also, is his plan to personally care for his mother until his mother dies? Will he be her personal care attendant (PCA) and feed, clothe, bathe, etc her? What is the extent of his relationship with her outside of her medical/healthcare needs? Meaning, does he tell her everything? Are they best friends? Are they "joined at the hip"? If any or all of that is true, that's the biggest red flag of them all in my opinion.

I experienced something to that effect and it was a primary reason I broke off my first marriage. My ex-wife wasn't just close with her parents, they were everything to her. Especially her mother. Literally co-dependent. They would talk on the phone numerous times daily, go on shopping trips literally from morning until night on a good number of weekends and she would fairly often stay overnight at her parent's house with them because they were inseparable. All of that was even after we got married. That kind of scenario is definitely a "choose one or the other because you can't have both." type. I didn't fault her for it and there were no hard feelings; we parted amicably and she stayed single to my knowledge living next to her parents. That was her choice and I made mine (which I'm VERY glad of).

Point being: You need to find out exactly what the situation is with him and his mother. You owe it to yourself. No one should be expected to live an ancillary life rather than be equal partners committed...to each other.
 

All-Rounder

uwu owo uwu
V.I.P Member
I have a date that has a good job and we seem to have some things in common, kind of.

His mother lives with him though, and she needs to be taken care of. It feels kind of weird that someone with their own place won't be able to have me over. When I try to bring this up, it's indirectly answered that his mother lives with him.

He also told me he's open to all kinds of food and comes off like a foodie and he told me that he loves sushi. So, when we went for sushi (and sashimi)i, he seemed particularly bothered by textures and it was too hard for me to gauge what he liked of sashimi if anything.

He seemed surprised that I would torture myself to eat stuff even if I didn't like it because it's respectful of culture and sustainability. If he doesn't like it, he feels that one should not finish or eat something. I pointed out that there are some people who hate all vegetables. Does that mean they should not eat any at all? He agreed that people have to try to figure something out.

I also pointed out that the more open you are about different foods, the less concern you might need to worry about if you're getting certain nutrients in your body. What might be more concerning is the quantity of food one takes in.

I am a foodie like a Bourdain but more like Zimmerman.

After that conversation, he was like "I was just testing you." First few times, I thought that response was funny, but now it is getting old. I feel like a child and I don't like that feeling. (I don't remember if he told me he was "just testing me" after this particular context, but comparably quality contexts he would make such a dull comment. It's supposed to be funny and lighten the mood, but I feel it's impractical and can get in the way if we have to deal with real problems.)

We have only had one date so far. I've determined and with talking with a friend as well that I want to continue dating him and see what happens despite some of the frustrations.
I agree that it's needed to have a varied diet, and that the best way to get nutrients is through food. But the error could be that you're not supposed to stuff yourself on a date, but to talk and pay attention to the person rather than the food, and especially talk about something else than the food.

The variation of foods intaked at a certain moment might cause cancelling to one another, for example nutrients such as Calcium and Magnesium are in direct competition with each other for absorbtion, and multiple meals or drinks that contain vitamin C throughout the day are better than 1-time dose.

You sound to be fairly pressing about the openness to try different foods, while your partner is more conservative about new [and known] food. Maybe its worth to pay attention to this, as at three times you've already leaned towards something that he would not be so open to, if it weren't for the debate with you. But that may feel forced, eventually. The last thing you want to do is to lead someone into the nightmare of being grossed out and terrorized by dates with you.

In another country, I never thought I'm a picky eater but everything I ate was a new thing. I got so fed up it was depressing, trying crappy food that tasted really odd every day. And it was supposed to be normal restaurant food, but I rarely attended restaurants [once in childhood before], and they have really strange cooking skills in that country [out of a reluctance to say they were terrible]. Plus I was not used to meat much.
 
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paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
@paloftoon -

Based on what you wrote, I see way too many red flags. Mind games etc. If he is this bad on a first date, I can only assume it will get worse. Are you sure he is living with his mother and not his wife/girlfriend?

You sound like a very smart woman with your head on straight and any man would be very lucky to be in a relationship with you. Please don't settle for anything less than you deserve.
Thank you, except I am also male just so you know.
No, I am not sure, but building relationships don't start off by being paranoid right away. I will find out truth eventually with time or it just won't work before it gets to that point.
 

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It sounds to me two Aspies trying to date, not knowing each other.
I don't know how to explain it, but he's definitely not as aspie, and, well, I definitely am.
Well, I definitely talked with him for a significant amount of time, we had some food, and we plan to meet this Tuesday evening again.
 

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
What about the mom thing? I get that she apparently "needs to be taken care of", but what exactly does that mean? To what extent? Also, is his plan to personally care for his mother until his mother dies? Will he be her personal care attendant (PCA) and feed, clothe, bathe, etc her? What is the extent of his relationship with her outside of her medical/healthcare needs? Meaning, does he tell her everything? Are they best friends? Are they "joined at the hip"? If any or all of that is true, that's the biggest red flag of them all in my opinion.

I experienced something to that effect and it was a primary reason I broke off my first marriage. My ex-wife wasn't just close with her parents, they were everything to her. Especially her mother. Literally co-dependent. They would talk on the phone numerous times daily, go on shopping trips literally from morning until night on a good number of weekends and she would fairly often stay overnight at her parent's house with them because they were inseparable. All of that was even after we got married. That kind of scenario is definitely a "choose one or the other because you can't have both." type. I didn't fault her for it and there were no hard feelings; we parted amicably and she stayed single to my knowledge living next to her parents. That was her choice and I made mine (which I'm VERY glad of).

Point being: You need to find out exactly what the situation is with him and his mother. You owe it to yourself. No one should be expected to live an ancillary life rather than be equal partners committed...to each other.
I agree, and I wasn't able to get a straight enough answer out of him.
Like, eventually, it should be okay for me to visit his place too if he is truly only taking care of her and not held up on strings too.
Another concern about this is that I'm already trying to separate myself from my parents over their control over me. We still care about each other and one time, they wanted to move in with me. I told them I was not okay with that and I wanted my privacy, and that they are welcome to move in to my place and I would move in a small place nearby. They got mad because they weren't saving money by that setup, but they don't need me to be with them currently thankfully.
I don't want to be in a committed relationship where I would have to live with the mother because of my past experiences. It's just not okay. He supposedly makes a lot of money based on his descriptions, but I don't know how stable he really is if he has to take care of his mom. I understand he wants to take care of her to save money, and I have to take his word at it for now as it's only been one date.
 

grommet

Well-Known Member
I have a date that has a good job and we seem to have some things in common, kind of.

His mother lives with him though, and she needs to be taken care of. It feels kind of weird that someone with their own place won't be able to have me over. When I try to bring this up, it's indirectly answered that his mother lives with him.

He also told me he's open to all kinds of food and comes off like a foodie and he told me that he loves sushi. So, when we went for sushi (and sashimi)i, he seemed particularly bothered by textures and it was too hard for me to gauge what he liked of sashimi if anything.

He seemed surprised that I would torture myself to eat stuff even if I didn't like it because it's respectful of culture and sustainability. If he doesn't like it, he feels that one should not finish or eat something. I pointed out that there are some people who hate all vegetables. Does that mean they should not eat any at all? He agreed that people have to try to figure something out.

I also pointed out that the more open you are about different foods, the less concern you might need to worry about if you're getting certain nutrients in your body. What might be more concerning is the quantity of food one takes in.

I am a foodie like a Bourdain but more like Zimmerman.

After that conversation, he was like "I was just testing you." First few times, I thought that response was funny, but now it is getting old. I feel like a child and I don't like that feeling. (I don't remember if he told me he was "just testing me" after this particular context, but comparably quality contexts he would make such a dull comment. It's supposed to be funny and lighten the mood, but I feel it's impractical and can get in the way if we have to deal with real problems.)

We have only had one date so far. I've determined and with talking with a friend as well that I want to continue dating him and see what happens despite some of the frustrations.

I read your post. You wrote but did not say you wanted ideas or opinions so I do not know if I am supposed to tell you what I thought. I think that is the reason you posted so I am going to.

I am glad you had a date, that is wonderful I think. You do not seem to like him. I used to go on dates and thought not liking someone or not having a good time was part of the cost of trying to find someone then I met someone I really liked and it was not work. I just liked being with them so much and they felt the same about me. I think that means a good date.

I hope you have a date where you smile before you realize you are smiling and you just seem to want to hear him speak and he is the same way about you. It is just really nice and feels special, that when you are together it feels special. I think that means you are friends.
 

Outdated

Active Member
I never understood the whole regimented dating ritual and never played that game. I met a lot of women where something just clicked and we'd end up together but there was never any such thing as an official date. Sometimes it lasted a few weeks, sometimes it lasted a few years.

Sometimes I didn't want too much emotional involvement with a woman, especially when I was young, in these instances someone who is used to Masking has an extreme advantage. If you're used to masking all the time then you can wear whatever mask you like. All I had to do was play the shy little innocent lamb and older women would pounce on me and take me home. All I had to do was let them keep their fantasy that they were the predators.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm still hung up about the "testing" thing. That is childish and insecure. When I started dating (@ 26), I encountered two women who were testing me about $$$. Having grown up poor, that is not something that I will fall for . . . I cut off all communication.
 

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I struggle with this date because I like his physicality and how good his job prospects seem. I don't like the questions in my head about not being able to visit his place too occasionally even though his mom is living with him. He says he has "kind of" come out and has told them but just doesn't talk about it. But I wonder if he really has told them. . . visiting his place can be later on at we only had one date. However, the way things are going, I might not even get that far. We had a 2nd date planned for this Tues.

A poster mentioned I didn't have questions, but probably wanted some insight. That poster is totally "on the money." In my mind, I don't regret dating this permission and there's a lot of good things about him, and it's frustrating because I haven't been getting a lot of quality dates, but then there're other qualities that seem like they might be too much of a turn off too. I don't want to rush, but I don't want to drag on either. So, that's why I decided I'll opt for a 2nd in-person date.
To complicate things further, I got sick yesterday morning, told my date about it and how I got better the morning after, and then he was back and forth about scheduling and rescheduling and not rescheduling at all. He was trying to force an earlier time in the scheduling than what I offered. Here's what happened:
I offered Wed 9:30 PM and Thurs 10 PM since he no longer wanted to do Tuesday. And I told him he could stay overnight so that we would be with each other for more than a few hours.
He doesn't want to make his mom sick and I understand that. So, that's partly why I told him as soon as I could too.

Then he's like can you meet earlier.
That request was kind of awkward. So, I'm like I have this Yelp Elite event 7-8 PM and we can meet there, and this one happens to not be exclusive to Elite only. He was concerned about that and that was a whole explanation. I said I would double check on that, and I never got to double check since I got sick again and now decided I needed to cancel the event since it's a bit too close (Wed evening).

My Thursday event, I'm waiting to see what happens today.
3 days seems like a good range to keep myself more distant even though it's a cold/flu and not covid.
I offered to invite him to the event but said it's expensive and it's a fundraising event with an organization I care about. So, of course he declined, and it was awkward of him to have me have to explain all that. And I don't know his "schedule." Maybe he's dating other people too.
While all that is very annoying, it's still very manageable. The comments with bad jokes kind of constantly of how he's testing me when he makes a mistake and I explain stuff. Another joke he made yesterday was expecting me to get something for his birthday. My birthday ironically is two days later, and I could've responded playfully, but I just wasn't feelin' it like that and didn't think it was funny.
He even has on his profile that he doesn't want to be or look for a sugar daddy. But that birthday joke just didn't sit well with me emotionally. I think I'm struggling emotionally.
Since I'm sick and can't feel him about more in-person, I will let him know when I think I got better better too and just see what happens. I will focus on trying to let him initiate and hopefully it's more than just "how was your day". . . .


Something that initially attracted me to him was that he initiated first contact with me on the app, and I rarely get that. And I was interested. So, that's how it all started.
 

Ronald Zeeman

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
For some of the of the singles on this site who complain about not getting dates, this thread is a master class on some of the pit falls. For most of us relationships are a little easier.
 

Maggiepie

New Member
It was a first date. Going to his home to Meet his mom on a first date would be a lot. If it develops into a relationship I expect you will become welcome in his home and meet him mom. But that is at least a few dates down the line. Personally I don't have someone in my house until 5-10 dates in. And meeting family is several months into the relationship for me.
All the details about food preferences are irrelevant. Differing opinions and healthy discussions are totally fine and normal. What is relevant is "I feel like a child and I don't like that feeling." This is a major red flag. Trust your gut. You don't like how he makes you feel. Don't waste your time on someone who makes you feel small. Find someone who makes you feel valued as an equal.
If someone is right, there won't be a big old 'but'. Don't use good qualities to justify treating you bad. No bodies perfect, but in a good match the little annoying things are endearing.
 

Ronald Zeeman

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I met my wife's family because I made a mistake first few week o us being together, she wanted to visit them so I offered to drop her off at the bus station, Wrong bus station, as I knew the country to correct the error then offered to drive her all the way, they were doing prep for her sister's wedding This when I found out she is from a family of sisters, boy was she in for a surprise I'm from a family of brothers, Both of us are the second oldest. our families are mirror image.
 
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Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I met her parents the day after I met her IRL. we were at lunch in Indianapolis when we realized we forgot to pack her hiking boots. Her parents went to her apartment to retrieve them and we made it back to Hammond where their home was to get them before restarting our journey.
 

Shaddock

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
After that conversation, he was like "I was just testing you."
I wouldn´t want that anyone does that with me, because it feels like manipulation/fooling someone. manipulation because you pretend something else, than you actually say/do and that´s not honest or okay.

maybe for some people this would be jokey, but I definitely would say that a person should stop this kind of behavior.

He seemed surprised that I would torture myself to eat stuff even if I didn't like it because it's respectful of culture and sustainability. If he doesn't like it, he feels that one should not finish or eat something. I pointed out that there are some people who hate all vegetables. Does that mean they should not eat any at all? He agreed that people have to try to figure something out.
IMO everyone can eat what he/she wants. it is his/her problem when he is not healthy enough because of that. I also eat what I want, try also new things, but trying means "I don´t know how it tastes, taste it and when it tastes bad, then I stop eating it." and not "I eat something for someone else, even when I know that it tastes bad."
 

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