I had a fight with a friend of mine who has autism and now I dont trust him anymore. Any advice?

[JohnDoeeoDnhoJ]

9-10 months ago i told my very religious friend that i wasnt religious anymore and he seemed fine with it but then lashed out like 2 weeks later about how he'll be blamed and will go to hell because im agnostic. he also has autism so idk if this behaviour is related to that in some way (ik autism can cause some people to develop maturity slower than a neurotypical or other autistic people so maybe thats the issue). the problem here is that my parents are quite religious and theyre friends with his parents. if he told his parents about this, they might tell my parents and id get in trouble. we are both 17 btw but this happened when we were 16.

after that he apologised like 10 days later about it because he could tell me and my other friends werent really ok with him being around. i was glad about it at first at first but then the thought that he apologised because he felt outcasted more than because he actually felt sorry made me mad so i didnt accept it but i kept quiet when he was around. a month later i just stopped talking to him as much as possible, didnt hang around him, replied to his messages very dryly cus of the lack of trust. i even told him i became religious again just in case he didnt say that to my parents and then id be in a lot of trouble and also, i really dont want my parents to grieve about me not being religious. ik theyll take it badly and i cant let them live like that. also i have OCD too so i wonder if my OCD caused this paranoia or if this is normal.

he tried to be overly nice to me after he noticed and would try hard not to offend me. i had a talk with him today about all this and from what it seems, he does seem like he wants to be friends with me again, and it shows. he said he blames himself for what happened and thats why hes trying so hard to be my friend. i definitely appreciate the sentiment and do feel sorry for him cus it seems very stressful and I do think he regrets it but I just cannot trust him or risk him knowing any major secrets about me.

There have been small instances in the past and even now where he is dishonest or atleast seems like he is. like before i told him i wasnt religious, one of my friends asked him that if one of his friends wasnt religious what would he do? and he said something like he would try and advise them to come back and if that didnt help, hed just accept it. instead of accepting it, he lashed out and acted very selfishly. even recently he said something kinda sexist like 'women get offended about everything' in a straight up serious tone. me and my friend called him out on it and instead of accepting that it was sexist he just said that he was joking when it didnt seem like a joke.

he doesnt seem bad and i feel like he really wants to be friends but idk if he actually understands why what he did was bad. i dont feel like i can trust him with anything major again. i dont know if im willing to take the risk of him blurting my secret out to my parents the next time theres a problem. idk if its my OCD making me super paranoid or if my reactions and thought processes to how hes acted have been normal so let me know, am I wrong? Am I acting overly paranoid? In all honesty, I have no interest in trying to fix this friendship even though I do feel sympathy for him.

Like I said, I read somewhere that in some people with autism, their mental maturity develops slightly slower than that of other autistic people or neurotypicals. There was a term for this as well but I can't remember what its called, so if you know please let me know and if you know how/if that may have caused this situation to spiral out of control then Id like to hear your thoughts as well. From what I have seen, he seems more immature than other people around our age and I feel like thats whats ultimately caused this whole fight. Any advice is appreciated.

 

[Wulven]

Wither your religious are not is your own personal choice. Not one other people need to know about. And only trust people with things you aren't afraid of other people besides themselves knowing.

Would like to add this. With respect. He "cannot" go to Hell simply because "you" do not believe. Your choices and actions in life decide that.

 

[Gerontius]

This is a very well thought post. You offer him a lot of credit, and you deserve tons of credit for being able to write something this logical. Excellent work.

One thing that I see here is that this is a matter of beliefs, and the autistic trait I'd guess is most ascendant is the black-and-white pattern of thinking. You are both 17 and that is very young. I would say this is a time where everyone--NT or Aspie alike--is most prone to polarized thought.

Secondly, he may say he is very religious but I am not exactly aware of a religion that condemns people for the choices of others. It sounds like he gave you the Aspie information dump (a common happening) about why he said what he said about your Agnostic beliefs. However, though Christianity encourages its followers to share it with friends, he is taking an extreme interpretation of James 5:20.

In short you need to cut yourself a little slack, my friend, as I do not think the burden of "fixing" this friendship is on you. I think you are well within your rights to let this become a sort of acquaintance, or perhaps what the Greek philosophers would have called a "friendship of utility", for this guy does not seem to be too great at the whole religion thing and I worry that he may be a little bitter. The "women get offended" comment sounds like that.

Now--from the other side. This guy might not feel 100% safe. Growing up in a Very Religious Househld(tm) isn't a lot of fun. There are, in both the Protestant and Catholic churches, some elements of misogyny among the faithful--I have even met colleagues who confessed to being actual fascists. Which is very, very creepy indeed. For others, there are a tumultuous stew of ideologies flying around--there is a creeping politicization of religion going on that makes it remarkably dangerous for the young men and women.

So my advice to you--and you may decide to do with it what you will--would be to follow your gut and let this friendship lapse to an acquaintance or casual friendship. The comment about the women and his subsequent reaction would have had me thinking that even without the religion bit.

 

[Aspychata]

I never had young friends and l never dated when l was young because the immaturity level is pretty low, this is true of ND and NT.

Don't beat yourself up.

 

[Judge]

I suspect your instincts are actually serving you quite well. When you're at odds with people over their core belief systems, it's just reflecting pragmatism- not paranoia in not feeling like you can trust them. You probably can't as they'll likely continue to try to corral you back into the fold or bombard you with the dogma of hellfire and damnation.

I left the church at age 15, but I found God much later on my own terms without any religion. I also have OCD, though I don't see such a dilemma as being OCD related.

From my perspective it is they who are the problem- not you.

 

[Aspychata]

I suspect your instincts are actually serving you quite well. When you're at odds with people over their core belief systems, it's just reflecting pragmatism- not paranoia in not feeling like you can trust them.

You probably can't as they'll likely continue to try to corral you back into the fold or bombard you with the dogma of hellfire and damnation.

I left the church at age 15, but I found God much later on my own terms without any religion. I also have OCD.

From my perspective it is they who are the problem- not you.

This is so true, people have hangups and hidden agendas, and malignant brains due to childhood. Why take blame for all that?

 

[Nairobi]

When it comes to a close friendship, I believe it has to be based on genuine trust. Without that, I guess it can become a more distant, though possibly still friendly, relationship. But I think intimacy should have a foundation of trust. You could tell him you are struggling to trust him and see if you can work towards establishing trust. Or, you could just set up conversational and/or other boundaries based on your gut instinct for how or how much or when you do or don't trust him.

It stinks and is embarrassing when I look back and realize that I unknowingly mistreated/annoyed someone, basically leading to them not being able to trust me - maybe not in a major way, but even in small ways, that meant they realized they didn't want to be my friend. I was much more in the dark then. It took me decades of research and trial and error to have a better understanding, and I am still barely at the starting line - if I have even gotten there. When I look back to when I was 17 - and going forward quite a while - I actually feel grateful and blessed that there were some people who stuck around me. But those people seemed to genuinely not take issue with me and enjoyed my company in the ways that I could hang out with them - unlike the majority of people.

I am sorry you are having this issue with him over religious beliefs. I actually just lost a long time friend because of religious beliefs. But in that case, she was trying really hard to change my religious beliefs, taking her tactics to the point where I lost all trust in her. And then I realized that there was nothing left to stick around for but toxicity and harm, and she refused to stop. She seemed to think as a real friend, I should have stuck around for that - but I disagreed.

But back to you - if he is religious, maybe he would benefit from talking to his pastor about his strong feelings and thoughts about you not being religious anymore if you think that could help calm him down about it (but not saying your name if you want this private). You may have to spell out to him that under no circumstances should he violate your privacy and tell anyone else about your change in beliefs. I.....actually needed stuff like that spelled out to me, believe it or not. I was just so much more socially unaware and emotionally immature than I realized....and I am still in the process of realizing this about myself now, and I am a lot older now.

Good luck!

 

[JohnDoeeoDnhoJ]

This is a very well thought post. You offer him a lot of credit, and you deserve tons of credit for being able to write something this logical. Excellent work.

One thing that I see here is that this is a matter of beliefs, and the autistic trait I'd guess is most ascendant is the black-and-white pattern of thinking. You are both 17 and that is very young. I would say this is a time where everyone--NT or Aspie alike--is most prone to polarized thought.

Secondly, he may say he is very religious but I am not exactly aware of a religion that condemns people for the choices of others. It sounds like he gave you the Aspie information dump (a common happening) about why he said what he said about your Agnostic beliefs. However, though Christianity encourages its followers to share it with friends, he is taking an extreme interpretation of James 5:20.

In short you need to cut yourself a little slack, my friend, as I do not think the burden of "fixing" this friendship is on you. I think you are well within your rights to let this become a sort of acquaintance, or perhaps what the Greek philosophers would have called a "friendship of utility", for this guy does not seem to be too great at the whole religion thing and I worry that he may be a little bitter. The "women get offended" comment sounds like that.

Now--from the other side. This guy might not feel 100% safe. Growing up in a Very Religious Househld(tm) isn't a lot of fun. There are, in both the Protestant and Catholic churches, some elements of misogyny among the faithful--I have even met colleagues who confessed to being actual fascists. Which is very, very creepy indeed. For others, there are a tumultuous stew of ideologies flying around--there is a creeping politicization of religion going on that makes it remarkably dangerous for the young men and women.

So my advice to you--and you may decide to do with it what you will--would be to follow your gut and let this friendship lapse to an acquaintance or casual friendship. The comment about the women and his subsequent reaction would have had me thinking that even without the religion bit.

thanks for replying and the feedback. i should clarify, hes a muslim and in islam, you cannot be blamed for the choices of others. i think he was under the impression that that wasnt the case and took his anger out on me because of it so yeah. he apologised like i said so i would assume he doesnt have those beliefs anymore but the apology kinda bothered me because i dont exactly believe that he understands where he went wrong, he probably either wants to be my friend again and/or feels bad about it. both are understandable but if he doesnt understand the severity of the actual situation then theres no way in hell i can put my trust in him again. but thanks for the advice.

 

[Fino]

You've posted this before. I believe last time I said something offensive, but that's a good guess anytime for myself. And last time your first post implied an interest in still being friends with him, but then in the comments you made it pretty clear you did not have that interest. Now you say you have no interest. How are you still friends with him after all this? Have you been pretending to be friends with him all this time? He'll be fine without you.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe we should go straight to step one.

Be very careful who you trust no matter what. As one poster stated above, some people of the faith are just as conniving and dishonest as can be. A wolf in faith clothing might be descriptive.

 

[JohnDoeeoDnhoJ]

You've posted this before. I believe last time I said something offensive, but that's a good guess anytime for myself. And last time your first post implied an interest in still being friends with him, but then in the comments you made it pretty clear you did not have that interest. Now you say you have no interest. How are you still friends with him after all this? Have you been pretending to be friends with him all this time? He'll be fine without you.

I remember your account however i dont remember what you said so its fine. I got really bad OCD about this so I need affirmation from other people to know what im doing is wrong or right. I wasnt aware that the implication was there last time so let me make it clear, as of right now i have no interest in being friends with him at all because i do not trust him. even back then i had no interest so maybe there was some miscommunication there ig. However if i do trust him in the future then i will gladly be friends. as for why i still associate with him its because i was a dick to him a long time ago but then my view changed and he was accepting of me changing and now i feel i should do the same for atleast a certain amount of time to repay him in a way. ive made it clear to him that were not friends but hes welcome to try and build my trust back up but if i feel like nothings changing then i probably will cut him off for good.

 

[JohnDoeeoDnhoJ]

When it comes to a close friendship, I believe it has to be based on genuine trust. Without that, I guess it can become a more distant, though possibly still friendly, relationship. But I think intimacy should have a foundation of trust. You could tell him you are struggling to trust him and see if you can work towards establishing trust. Or, you could just set up conversational and/or other boundaries based on your gut instinct for how or how much or when you do or don't trust him.

It stinks and is embarrassing when I look back and realize that I unknowingly mistreated/annoyed someone, basically leading to them not being able to trust me - maybe not in a major way, but even in small ways, that meant they realized they didn't want to be my friend. I was much more in the dark then. It took me decades of research and trial and error to have a better understanding, and I am still barely at the starting line - if I have even gotten there. When I look back to when I was 17 - and going forward quite a while - I actually feel grateful and blessed that there were some people who stuck around me. But those people seemed to genuinely not take issue with me and enjoyed my company in the ways that I could hang out with them - unlike the majority of people.

I am sorry you are having this issue with him over religious beliefs. I actually just lost a long time friend because of religious beliefs. But in that case, she was trying really hard to change my religious beliefs, taking her tactics to the point where I lost all trust in her. And then I realized that there was nothing left to stick around for but toxicity and harm, and she refused to stop. She seemed to think as a real friend, I should have stuck around for that - but I disagreed.

But back to you - if he is religious, maybe he would benefit from talking to his pastor about his strong feelings and thoughts about you not being religious anymore if you think that could help calm him down about it (but not saying your name if you want this private). You may have to spell out to him that under no circumstances should he violate your privacy and tell anyone else about your change in beliefs. I.....actually needed stuff like that spelled out to me, believe it or not. I was just so much more socially unaware and emotionally immature than I realized....and I am still in the process of realizing this about myself now, and I am a lot older now.

Good luck!

the fact that you can admit that about yourself even though the person you hurt cant see this thread shows that you probably have changed for the better. thanks for the advice as well