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Sensitive Topic I Feel Like I'm Getting Closer To "Ending It" And I Don't Know Who To Talk To

tee

Well-Known Member
I'm sorry your're still hurting so much. Have you ever tried doing something really repetitive and tactile to distract yourself a little? Sometimes when I'm depressed in bed I'll just move my finger back and forth on my bed sheet and focus on how it feels, or focus on the in and out of my breathing, and I just try to pretend the little repetitive thing I'm doing is the only thing in the world. I think it's important for me that the action is both tactile and quickly repetitive - I think I find both touch and repetition to be the things that ground me. It doesn't really make the pain stop but it can at least provide some relief, especially for people on the spectrum. Hopefully it could work a little for you too.
 
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Fridgemagnetman

I only have one
V.I.P Member
@NicoleAscot

I get the impression that you believe you deserve
to feel very badly over the reactions of other people
toward your girlfriend. Toward that end, you made
the loop to reinforce your bad feelings about yourself.

It seems that you believe that when things don't go
as well as you'd hope, you are obligated to focus on
those events and derive as much misery as possible
for yourself.

By arranging punishing events for yourself, are you
hoping to make it all ok again?

Or what?

Theres a quote somehwere -

Youve been hard on yourself for years with poor results.
Try being kind and see what happens.

Easier said than done, but it takes action. Wirte down each nagative thought then write down an opposite thought/belief next to it.
Apply the quote, be kind and apply, see what happens.

Kind of like what tree said
 

Warmheart

Something nerdy this way comes
V.I.P Member
If we fixate/obsess/perseverate on our own misery,
we may actually end up becoming stuck in our perspective, captivated by our own painful suffering. This can make a person fail to be able to see the more balanced, positive "big picture," and feel too weak, helpless and hopeless to take any positive steps.
Trap.

Please call the therapist or counselor who may bring you in-patient. You may indeed lose your job-- which may be extremely challenging in the short term, but a way to heal with professional support before finding a brighter, more suitable opportunity.

If you back away from the compelling focus of your struggles, to allow someone professional to support you emotionally through this bumpy slide, there may be better days ahead. Hospitalization can be the start to a life of wellness.
Remember to breathe.
 

NicoleAscot

Kira Renèe
Hey, everyone. I wasn't able to talk again at work and after I got home at 6:30AM I passed out.

@NicoleAscot , you said its been like this for years... But you are still here :) is it a constant feeling of despair and "ending it", or does it come and go dependent on how much stress there is in your life at the time?
I was dead for 3 minutes after an overdose/attempt on my life but someone found me and I've done worse. It purely a miracle I'm here, not a decision I've made. And the feeling is always there, but when my life falls apart, it intensifies beyond control.


Perhaps you need an upgrade from therapist/councilor to psychotherapist/psychiatrist, some are better than others of course. As far as medication goes, there are about 15 or so different meds...
Yes, and I've pretty much taken them all. Some of them work a little, but once the stresses of my life become to much, it's like I'm not taking anything at all. I think I've run out of options on depressions meds.


Hi Nicole.

If you cannot find anyone you like to talk to, or that could help in the way you desire, how about talking to yourself?

Start seeing the good in things. If you have a girl friend that is trying to help that is a huge plus. If you have a forum willing to try to understand, support and/or help, that is invaluable too. You have a car, a job, a home you say. You say you do not want to give that up.

You can get help and still keep all that. You can help yourself too by focusing on the positive things in your life, instead of dwelling on the bad. As well, instead of seeing yourself as a helpless victim, see yourself as a survivor, who is strong, caring and wise. If others cannot help you to your liking, or as you feel things can or will get worse then, reach within and put forth those more positive efforts yourself.

Try daily self-praise, happy and relaxing visualizations, and dreaming of good things. Divert your mind from stressful, sad and negative thoughts to something else good. And find a way to see some positive in any person and situation.

Change your posture and expressions and attitude to reflect the desired mood. Do things you enjoy and are good at. Go to places and do things where you are uplifted, instead of hanging out and listening to those who feel helpless.

Talking about your dark feelings and other feelings is fine, but after doing so do not dwell on those. Dwell more on your efforts to change those darker feelings to something more light. Listen to more inspirational and positive people, and listen to music that is full of positive and calming energy.

Read books that can bring out your strength and wisdom and make you your best. Do not push persons away that are trying to understand, listen and help. And learn to prioritize things better, focus on targeting your efforts more constructively.

The point of this message is: One cannot always rely on others for their own happiness and success, so sometimes these people instead need to rely on what they know best, themselves. If one does not help themself, or want to help themself, then how can anyone want to or succeed at helping them?

Support only goes so far in this world. It does not get to the root of the pain, and attempt to help that. Once you determine the source of that pain, like a situational event, low self-esteem, pessimistic thinking, chemical imbalance, personality flaw, abuse, then focus on healing that or bettering that.

For those with problematic issues who do not want to change, that is their right. I hope then their venting and frustrations and situations helps them be happy in life.
Thank you. I'll try to find something to keep my mind occupied. I used to read but I'm not interested in it right now. hmm


@NicoleAscot

I get the impression that you believe you deserve
to feel very badly over the reactions of other people
toward your girlfriend. Toward that end, you made
the loop to reinforce your bad feelings about yourself.

It seems that you believe that when things don't go
as well as you'd hope, you are obligated to focus on
those events and derive as much misery as possible
for yourself.

By arranging punishing events for yourself, are you
hoping to make it all ok again?

Or what?
I'm not sure. I guess I just literally hate myself, this world, and everything in it and I just get so tired of feeling this way. I want it to end, I guess. To just no longer suffer. That's all I do. I'm in constant physical and emotional pain and it's just so much...


I'm sorry your're still hurting so much. Have you ever tried doing something really repetitive and tactile to distract yourself a little? Sometimes when I'm depressed in bed I'll just move my finger back and forth on my bed sheet and focus on how it feels, or focus on the in and out of my breathing, and I just try to pretend the little repetitive thing I'm doing is the only thing in the world. I think it's important for me that the action is both tactile and quickly repetitive - I think I find both touch and repetition to be the things that ground me. It doesn't really make the pain stop but it can at least provide some relief, especially for people on the spectrum. Hopefully it could work a little for you too.
I try to find things I enjoy but when I feel like this, there isn't anything I find joy in anymore. And I'm physically in severe pain and a lot of the time I can barely DO anything fun even if I wanted.


Update:
My girlfriend just found someone literally JUST like me in EVERY way. From our past to the present. We're meeting with a few others to get us acquainted in a week. I just hope I can make it that long. If I do, this will be my first friend! Maybe a friend can help me stay focused on other stuff...
 

Jet Weiss

Incurably Weird
My girlfriend just found someone literally JUST like me in EVERY way. From our past to the present. We're meeting with a few others to get us acquainted in a week. I just hope I can make it that long. If I do, this will be my first friend! Maybe a friend can help me stay focused on other stuff...
Nicole, I sincerely hope that meeting this person will be good for you. I have been reading your thread but unsure of what to say, although I would like to offer my support and sympathy. I hope that you can form a friendship with this person and that will give you something you would like to continue to live for.
You are more than welcome to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I may not be the best advice-giver though I can certainly listen and be empathetic.
-Jet
 

NicoleAscot

Kira Renèe
Nicole, I sincerely hope that meeting this person will be good for you. I have been reading your thread but unsure of what to say, although I would like to offer my support and sympathy. I hope that you can form a friendship with this person and that will give you something you would like to continue to live for.
You are more than welcome to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I may not be the best advice-giver though I can certainly listen and be empathetic.
-Jet
Thank you. Maybe a friend who is just like me will give me something to keep my mind occupied or something. I don't know. I'm 29 and this will be one of the first friends I've ever had. Everyone else disappears on me with no explanation, no matter how much I ask.

And I'm bad with comforting people too. The only thing that ever comes to mind is "I'm so sorry." Or "that's just awful" and I use those a lot.
 

Jet Weiss

Incurably Weird
Thank you. Maybe a friend who is just like me will give me something to keep my mind occupied or something. I don't know. I'm 29 and this will be one of the first friends I've ever had. Everyone else disappears on me with no explanation, no matter how much I ask.

And I'm bad with comforting people too. The only thing that ever comes to mind is "I'm so sorry." Or "that's just awful" and I use those a lot.
You're welcome.
I can really relate to that as well, I have never had a lasting friendship as my "friends" always disappear and I never hear from them again.

I am similar at comforting people. I really do care and wish to be helpful though expressing emotion is difficult for me.
 

NicoleAscot

Kira Renèe
Someone mentioned finding something to keep my mind occupied. I've definitely been trying. :)
IMG_0694.jpg
 

NicoleAscot

Kira Renèe
You're welcome.
I can really relate to that as well, I have never had a lasting friendship as my "friends" always disappear and I never hear from them again.

I am similar at comforting people. I really do care and wish to be helpful though expressing emotion is difficult for me.
I wonder why those friends do that. I'm hearing that's "common".
 

Jet Weiss

Incurably Weird
I wonder why those friends do that. I'm hearing that's "common".
I wonder as well, I am unsure if I will ever know tbh. I've come to the conclusion that I will never be able to maintain a friendship in real life, possibly because people always perceive me as strange.
That is part of why I decided to join this forum, and thus far I have been pleased with how friendly people are on here. Maybe the answer is that I need to find other Aspies IRL.
 

Hopeless_Aspie_Guy

Well-Known Member
I was dead for 3 minutes after an overdose/attempt on my life but someone found me and I've done worse.

I think you need to wait a looooong time to die, hopefully of natural causes before you have a visit to heaven. There's no cheating ;) and you really don't wanna get used to suicide attempts or you'll eventually succeed :eek::(
 

Adder1234

Well-Known Member
I recently re-watched an anime that contained a quote that pretty well summed up my entire reason for not committing suicide. I'm not all that good at relating to other peoples problems so all I can really do is give you a different way of looking at life.
"Even though my life hasn't been all that great, I figure that if I live long enough, something good might happen." Ban, The Seven Deadly Sins
 

Streetwise

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
i tthink something is stopping you from dying just give up on suicide obviously something will keep you alive
something -G~d- i have a hard time understanding G~d as loving [still worship him though]
stopped me from dying when i o'd'
where do you get physical pain the most severely?
I wonder as well, I am unsure if I will ever know tbh. I've come to the conclusion that I will never be able to maintain a friendship in real life, possibly because people always perceive me as strange.
That is part of why I decided to join this forum, and thus far I have been pleased with how friendly people are on here. Maybe the answer is that I need to find other Aspies IRL.
 

Dadwith2Autisticsons

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I wonder as well, I am unsure if I will ever know tbh. I've come to the conclusion that I will never be able to maintain a friendship in real life, possibly because people always perceive me as strange.
That is part of why I decided to join this forum, and thus far I have been pleased with how friendly people are on here. Maybe the answer is that I need to find other Aspies IRL.

Jet, you seem like a nice person. While it is true other Aspies will be able to relate more to and perhaps less judge than most NTs, because of accepting of others' perceived conditions, because of their own condition, there will be other Aspies that too are not a good fit for any friendship or relationship with you, if they do not have your same values, strengths, desires, compatible traits and interests.

There could be persons in life with different issues and strengths just as friendly and nice besides an Aspie, and that friendship could last longer and be more fulfilling. So, while I agree it will be harder to find friends in person, based on my experiences with NTs who are judgemental, selfish, critical and often in denial of their own issues, with little regard for those who come across as different, try to expand your vision.

By this I mean, do not narrow your lists to just Aspies. While many are nice and understanding, some of the nicest persons I met over the years have had a variety of conditions or interests. I did not narrow my friends online to just those with severe social anxiety for instance, even though that is what I had as mostly as a condition. Although I related at school to and liked a few very shy girl and boy students, there were other shy students that did not seem to be a match.

I also seemed to like the less judgemental or more empathetic ones, and ones with other issues who would be less judging or more supportive. There was a really nice overweight guy at school, and a quirky boy I liked..Also, there was a nerdy few I liked and I wanted to be friends with. Focus also on those that have your same interests, too. I like those who write and like the simple things in life. This will help as well, to find more friends that will be longer term.

The fact you and other Aspies came to an Aspie board is a huge start. There will be some Aspies on this forum you relate to more than others. You will be able to tell a lot by their writing, and what they say, and do not say, and how they reply back. Some will be friendly, and some will be just matter of fact, while others will tend to fear friendships or have joined this forum just to learn, participate less, and to find comfort there, to name a few more reasons. That is great as well.

Personally, there are several on this board I related to and regardless how much they write, like you Jet and many others. I though likely am not an Aspie. But, if they have Social Anxiety issues, or other issues, some empathy, and are not too emotionally draining but just want to figure out their situations and need some direction or help to live a happier life, then I gravitate to those persons. I do not care about their religion, their sexulality, their level of education, or their ability to express outwardly most emotions.

So Jet, and the others, just keep being a good person and then good persons will gravitate to you, regardless of condition, and behavior. I am glad all those others in this world are not interested as they seriously would cause me more problems when I am the type that wants to continue to grow and be happy
 
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Tom

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Its actually not very hard for Aspies to get to a place where you do not feel any satisfaction/hope. Many if not most here have been there.

Its like rain. Its gonna come and if you don't take precautions or actions you will get drenched every time.

Sometimes it involves retraining your brain in some ways, to try and break the pattern of always coming up with a negative result. Other things, like counseling, medications, etc, can all be aids. There is not so much one solution, as cobbling together one from many sources. When things pile up hard, take a rest, get some sleep. Really fight dwelling on negative things.
 

Chance

"all who wander are not lost" - Tolkien
V.I.P Member
I understand what it is to feel alone and want to die... I have been there and nearly did the unthinkable. I got so lucky, or maybe something was watching over my insanity. I found out all I wanted to ever do was live.

I battle depression a lot. There are times when life just sucks but its all ebb and flow. Yes it sucks right now but please watch something funny, listen to motivational videos on depression (they help me unthinkably). It will not stay this way. Just reach deep inside and find that spark that tells you there is a reason you are here. You aren't some accident. You aren't as alone as you think, and your story may help someone else some day.

You are here to live... Reach out and get some help, don't become a useless statistic. We each write a story every minute we live. Change the narrative. Find something that doesn't suck (anything) and build on it. Seek a place that is safe, if its a psych ward for a little while thats ok. I don't even know a thing about you and I care about you, otherwise I would have never took the time, nor would all these other wonderful people.

Cheer up buttercup... And go get help NOW please! : )
 

Streetwise

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I wonder why those friends do that. I'm hearing that's "common".
diet and lifestyle to increase tryptophan the happy amino acid
drastically reduce sugar
foods with tryptophan
Eggs
Milk
Soy/Soya
Salmon
Nuts and Seeds
Turkey
Corned beef
French beans
potatoes
pearl barley
spinach
dates(highest)
hazel nuts
peanut butter
milk choc
plain choc
human milk
good for migraines pain relief
it prevents too much serotonin collecting in concentrations in the brain
lowers cholesterol
 

NeoPhile

Can I get a "Bright not Broken"?
I'm good with computers and I just made a 3+ hour loop of the 1-800 song by Logic.
But it's only the first 1/2 of the song. (YouTube it and you'll see how sad the first 1/2 is.)

I put the song on my phone and I'm listening to it on loop through my headphones.

I feel like, if I weren't at my ropes end, just sick of it all, why would I have DONE that??!?!!

I have ZERO friends. I have ZERO family. I have no one! I went to a domestic violence shelter yesterday and spent 2 hours talking to a crisis counselor because I couldn't even talk from crying so hard.

I tried to talk to my girlfriend and the moment I said I didn't want to be here, she got irritated and said, "well I'm sorry your live is so horrible even with me". Her sarcasm isn't helpful.


View attachment 35122 View attachment 35123
I'm sorry. I've been suicidal before. Just know that someone cares about you. I'm sorry about what happened. You don't have to do this alone. I've been where you are. Talk to us, and remember that you have a friend.
 

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