I don't like to look at people and I sit alone

[Jleger91]

I'm either 27 or 28yrs old (I forget) and every time I'm on lunch break at work and there's a bunch of people, I kind of refocus my eyes to something neutral that's closer to me, like a water bottle and I examine it so that I don't have to interact with people. But I do like people, and I like to be around people, and I do like when people include me in their world. Like if I'm lucky, a couple of good fellows with come up to me and include me in their conversation because one time I told them that I have social difficulties - I like when they do this. But for the majority, I keep to myself. But I see that other people are like peas in a pod; everyone has friends that they talk to regularly, it seems. I'm jealous. I think that I never learned how to socially engage with people and that's why I'm like this. I feel like I'll always be the loner, now and forever. Oh lawdy it's just as bad at parties. I sit alone and don't talk to anyone and try to find things to pay attention to.

 

[the_tortoise]

I sit alone a lot at parties and things, too, even when I know people and have friends there -- conversation is hard, so I'm just kind of there, usually.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I hate when I sit alone so I put on headphones and drown out instrumental Smooth Jazz or Drone Zone
Drone Zone from SomaFM “if cell signal is fast enough" and envy how easy the NTs have it.

 

[Kelsey4vril]

Hi Justin, I understand the fear you’re describing. As a child and teenager my greatest fear was that I would never be able to connect with people, and no one outside of my family would ever love me... that I was destined to be alone, like you fear that you are. Even now that I’ve gained more social skills and been able to improve how I form and maintain relationships with people, it’s still a fear that crops up. Fear, and jealousy too, when I see people forming romantic relationships or having an easier time keeping in touch with their friends than I do... You’re definitely not alone, though with how much I’ve learned about communication I feel like I might have some advice to give you a starting point, if you’d like? If so, I have a few questions to ask to help me give you advice that would actually be relevant to your needs:

Where do you work?
How did that conversation go with those fellows? Did you like them? Do you remember anything you all talked about?
What matters to you most about making a/some work place friendships?
Who in your work place feels like they might be a safer person or group to approach?

 

[Fino]

Therapy?
And group therapy?

 

[Progster]

I sit on my own at parties or social gatherings too - I rarely join in and people rarely talk to me or make the effort to include me in their conversation - it's a cultural thing, it's left to each individual to join in the conversation, and if you don't, nobody will help you. I prefer it this way, because I don't like it when people are forcing me into conversations either.

 

[BrokenBoy]

I am aware that people on the spectrum don't really like looking at people in the face when interacting with them. I'm one of these people. But for some reason when I find myself looking at others in the face I notice I feel like teardrops are gonna pour out of my eyes. I manage to hold back any tears but it's weird because I don't feel remotely sad at all. Just uncomfortable by looking at the person in the face.

Anyone else experiencing this as well? Can someone give an answer on why this happens?

 

[Weezer]

I prefer to sit alone. We have a nice break room at work with cable television which I do not use. I choose to eat my lunch at my work station. It's not a fear of the other people or a dislike for them, I simply prefer the quiet and solitude. We are met with a barrage of stimuli every day. There is nothing wrong with solitary time to escape it. I am called "weird" or 'anti-social" but I do not care.
As for looking at people, why do we need to? A moment or so to deliver or receive instructions and that's plenty. I do not make eye contact for more than 3 seconds. That is plenty to allow whomever I am communicating with to see that I am listening.
I am developing a new attitude toward the relationship between us and the NT's. I get done what needs done. I don't bother them, as long as they don't bother me. I have a good relationship where it counts, my bills get paid and my existence disrupts no one. Not being typical is no problem whatsoever.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I like to sit alone but up to a point when the NT's develop friendships and I feel left out I actually. But when I am eating for example I eat fast so I can get the heck out of there.

 

[tducey]

I like to find a balance. I don't mind sitting alone but do enjoy the company of others as well.

 

[Jleger91]

I sit alone a lot at parties and things, too, even when I know people and have friends there -- conversation is hard, so I'm just kind of there, usually.

Yeah, it stinks. It's like being on the outside looking in. Do you have Aspergers, too? What do you do while not socially engaging?

 

[Jleger91]

I hate when I sit alone so I put on headphones and drown out instrumental Smooth Jazz or Drone Zone
Drone Zone from SomaFM “if cell signal is fast enough" and envy how easy the NTs have it.

NTs? Hmm... my counselor suggested that I should get headphones so I did, but I never carry them around with me so I forget that I have them. I wonder how that would make parties if I sort of just listened to music and didn't bother with people but just been myself as much as I can - like actually enjoy looking around at things. I should bring them to work for use on lunchbreak.

 

[Skids]

I am aware that people on the spectrum don't really like looking at people in the face when interacting with them. I'm one of these people. But for some reason when I find myself looking at others in the face I notice I feel like teardrops are gonna pour out of my eyes. I manage to hold back any tears but it's weird because I don't feel remotely sad at all. Just uncomfortable by looking at the person in the face.

Anyone else experiencing this as well? Can someone give an answer on why this happens?

Yes i experience this and it's quite debilitating. It's only a recent problem for me in the last couple of years (i'm 42) as i've never had it throughout life but in my opinion it's anxiety. I mainly get it if i'm sat down talking to somebody one to one like in an office or parents evening with the teacher etc. It's as if the intensity of the situation is too much as well as the sole focus being on me and i can't deal with it anymore and literally i start crying for no reason and feel so emotional.

Weird thing is i'm ok when talking to somebody one to one but walking about with them. It's generally always when i'm forced to sit down and talk one to one where i get all overcome with emotion and tears start streaming out. It's weird and i feel sympathy with you because it's not nice at all.

 

[Jleger91]

Hi Justin, I understand the fear you’re describing. As a child and teenager my greatest fear was that I would never be able to connect with people, and no one outside of my family would ever love me... that I was destined to be alone, like you fear that you are. Even now that I’ve gained more social skills and been able to improve how I form and maintain relationships with people, it’s still a fear that crops up. Fear, and jealousy too, when I see people forming romantic relationships or having an easier time keeping in touch with their friends than I do... You’re definitely not alone, though with how much I’ve learned about communication I feel like I might have some advice to give you a starting point, if you’d like? If so, I have a few questions to ask to help me give you advice that would actually be relevant to your needs:

Where do you work?
How did that conversation go with those fellows? Did you like them? Do you remember anything you all talked about?
What matters to you most about making a/some work place friendships?
Who in your work place feels like they might be a safer person or group to approach?

1.I work in a janitorial position at a warehouse under the food industry.
2. The conversation is with two coworkers. Sometimes they'll come up and talk to me with small talk. The conversation goes well. I enjoy when they talk to me and I like to talk to them if and when I can, which only lasts a short while, sadly, because of work. I wish that I could be around these people more. I think that they'd be called acquaintances. They talked to me about small talk. Stuff like "so, what kind of music do you like to listen to? I like to listen to Black-Eyed Peas. And then I said that I like just about everything. (today I bought a Black-Eyed Peas CD reflecting the chat XD)"

3.What matters most to me about making friendships at work is personal growth and life experience. I feel like I'm missing out, and want to be part of something new.

4. A safe group to approach is always my fellow sanitation workers. Some speak English but the majority are best fluent in Spanish and not so much in English, and I don't understand Spanish. The best time to talk would be during my lunch break. Yeah, there are some pretty cool people that I say "Hi" to.

 

[Jleger91]

Therapy?
And group therapy?

I'd totally be interested in that. Like... I'm sure I could find time between school and work. But I'm not sure where to find such a service.

 

[the_tortoise]

Yeah, it stinks. It's like being on the outside looking in. Do you have Aspergers, too? What do you do while not socially engaging?

My diagnosis was Autistic Disorder (autism classic).

I look at things, find pattern in wood grain and carpet, make shapes with paper and straws, try to follow conversations happening until I can’t, doodle if I have a pen and paper

 

[Fino]

I'd totally be interested in that. Like... I'm sure I could find time between school and work. But I'm not sure where to find such a service.

You should make a thread about it! My only immediate ideas would be to either ask your physician or psychiatrist, if you see one, or to go through your health insurance.

 

[Kelsey4vril]

Hmm, okay! I have a couple of suggestions, and of course feel free to use what you like and disregard what you don’t like, haha!

Headphones are a great option for lunch break IF you want to send a polite nonverbal signal to your coworkers that you don’t want to be spoken to. People will almost always think your wearing headphones is meant to convey “I need to be alone with my music and my thoughts, so please don’t approach me.” Very useful if you’re overloaded and need your lunch time alone to recharge, though! Speaking of headphones at parties, though, I’ve always wanted to try going to a “Silent Disco” or “Quiet Party”. This is where everyone at the party wears headphones that are connected to a couple different DJs at the event, and you can switch between channels to find music you like or sync up with the people you’re dancing with. I like the idea of being at a party where I can actually hear what the other person is saying to me when we’re trying to communicate, just take the headphones off and you can talk to each other... I’d be really interested to try going to an event like that!

I admit that I got a little distracted from typing this reply by how good the new Black Eyed Peas album is. I gave it a quick listen on a streaming service for reference. It’s nice that your coworkers were asking what music you like - asking questions like that to keep the conversation going. If you can work up the courage, a way to start a conversation with them next time is to mention that you had a chance to listen to the Black Eyed Peas, if you like their music. Maybe mention what bands you already like that sound similar, and which songs you liked in particular. This is a good conversation starter! It could be helpful to let them know you appreciate their company and help in building your self confidence. Depending on one’s body language, it’s not always obvious to someone when a shy/socially awkward person appreciates their company, so clear and positive feedback may encourage them to approach you more often.

If the idea of being the person to start the conversation feels overwhelming, could you break it down into smaller steps with some positive feedback built in?

Remembering the Black Eyed Peas and checking out their CD is a thoughtful gesture, +2 experience points.
Listening to the CD and choosing some favourite songs, +2 experience points.
Think up and/or write down some things you could say to start the conversation, +2 exp, +1 armor.
Mini-Boss! Have a short conversation with coworker that you start, +5 exp, +3 bravery, Level Up!
Or some framework like this! If you decide to try this, make SURE to plan a nice reward for yourself, and let yourself take pride in facing your fears. I sometimes use this kind of framework to give myself clearer objectives, and to remind myself that the goal of risk taking is learning and growing, which I can see you already value greatly!

 

[JDShredds]

...How does one forget how old they are? lmao (I'm only teasing)

You know, I do the same thing. Its particularly notable when you mention locking eyes on to something neutral. I always do this when its... frankly, more than 2 people around me, or simply a noisy/busy environment. Its always been too much to focus on, so I find solace in looking at something that takes less energy to observe.

With that said, you can learn to pick your spots and get better at social engagement. But it does get exhausting, and its quite obvious to see how natural it is to other people.

I'm always the guy that, totally out of context, does something like points at the cat and smiles or laughs. Like "I don't know what you people are on about but that cat is sitting funny."

P.S. My trick with parties is this: I don't go to them.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Cafeteria should have sections where people don't want to be bothered. Of course they don't you have to resort eating on the floor or leaving partially hungry. I did this in high school. Was not until my senior year I was able to eat launch in my photography class with students I knew and talked too sometimes.