I don't know what to do anymore.

[Anime Hair]

You figure women around your age/ in their 40s are old?

You consider yourself *old* ?

Maybe not at this moment, but I have no prospects and I'm only getting older.

 

[Shamar]

May I ask how old you were when this happened? Did this lead to a relationship, or was it just a hookup?

When I was in college, I had a friend that occasionally attempted to flirt with me, but not consistently. We were watching Beverly Hillbillies. There is a scene in which Leah Thompson said "happiness is hard to find", but the joke was that her accent made her sound like she said "a penis is hard to find". My friend looked at and said "it's true; a penis is hard to find." Some time later, she asked me to shoot photos of her in lingerie. This was immediately after she felt rejected by some guy she had been obsessing over. She exhibited signs that signs that she probably had BPD.

Some years later, my roommates had a French friend would visited often. She often talked about people she was dating or sleeping with, and at point I could hear having sex very loudly in the bathroom. At a birthday party, she asked if I like drinking. I said know, then she said "I bet you get a lot of sex. Soon after, she asked me to help make her ex-girlfriend jealous. I don't know why I didn't go for it; something about the whole ordeal felt out of my comfort zone. I just wasn't used to women making direct advances on me and felt confused.

A few years after that, a young lady in bar persistently tried to talk me into letting her wear my shirt. But she just wasn't my type.

My ex-girlfriend pursued me and made it blatantly obvious she was interested. I was attracted to her, but she was the only woman expressing interest in (at least that I could tell). Turns out that she was an emotionally abusive predator who targeted me specifically because my autism made me vulnerable to her manipulation. She abused me psychologically for over two years before she broke things off.

Thing is that if anyone was interested but not so obvious, I'd have no clue. When I started college, I struggled to tell whether women were interested or being friendly, and after a while I started to err on the side that they aren't interested in me romantically or sexually.

I remember one young lady I knew college. We started chatting and got along well, but with no romantic intention because she had a boyfriend. Eventually, she and her boyfriend broke up. At one point, she was complaining to me about random guys hitting on her at work, and I interrupted that to mean she is not interested in dating at that time. This was soon before I started dating my ex, so we fell out of touch. I still don't if she had any interest in me.

Finally, I met a lady at work some years ago. She occasionally flirted with me, but she was having an affair with another co-worker at the time. After a a year or two, she started expressing sexual interest more directly, but at the same time she was going on and off again with her child's father whom she was financially dependent on; and it was clear she just didn't feel ready. Eventually, I got a new job and we fell out of touch. She was about 13 years younger than me, and I struggled with conflicting feelings about the age difference.

But all that was when I was much younger. I haven't had any woman flirt with me at since I turned 40. The last time anyone did hit on me, it was a gay man in a bar; and even that was over 4 years ago.

It was a spontaneous one night only thing. I was coming from a project in the far north of Canada, and we stopped overnight in the only place around. It was a town that made it's living from the tourist fishing trade, and that night they were celebrating the breakup of the ice on the rather large lake (they could start making money again). I was around 40 at the time.

Sounds like you had opportunities in the past, but didn't recognize them at the time or failed to take action. Much like me. One time in college I was at a party. As I was leaving, a girl I had been talking to asked me to walk her home, so I did. When we got to her door, she invited me in for coffee. It was late and I was not interested in coffee, just going to bed, so I thanked her and went home. I found out later it was not coffee that was being offered (and her bed was a lot closer than mine). She never spoke to me again.

 

[Poppy98]

Thing is that if anyone was interested but not so obvious, I'd have no clue.

"Wingman:"
If you have a NT friend who will also be there, consider asking then for a nudge if you overlook the signals.

 

[Poppy98]

Cons. You want to attend every con that you can get to. Those are your people, I promise, and it's more often than not that some very "seeking" gals will be there. I get approached every time I am at one - more so if I am working the event. It's among the easiest social gatherings you would hope for.

also consider online fan sites



And maybe ask women who you're not pursuing for advice on women.

 

[Poppy98]

We need to just compile and save the best of the dating advice on this forum.


I'm going to put this in a spoiler because it's long.

Spoiler

Also just general relational skills, as much as you can do with what you have can help.

i.e. Ask what she likes, listen, make a point to remember it and see if you can accommodate it when you can. When you disagree, try to be tactful. Make a point to show in a variety of ways over time that you respect her intelligence enough that you respect her decisions. If you disagree with something, start off by asking her questions (if you're someone who can manage that skilfully) to try to understand her. Or better yet, just accept her decisions as law if you're not sure about your ability to manage the question aspect.

Try hard to listen.







Be good at (and allow her to see you being good with) anything girls say "awwww" over. (Ex puppies, rabbits, little kids, babies). There is something deeply engrained in either DNA or culture that causes women to react to men who are good with small creatures in this way:
(Edit: the gif didn't work, but basically it's like a dog whistle to women. It's like a psychic ping to women in the area of they see/hear it.

Also when a woman talks to you about a problem in her life, she's very unlikely to want you to fix it, there's very little chance she wanted you to give her advice, she most likely wants to talk through the situation to essentially think through things or vent.






Overall, think a lot about her brain, respect her choices by actively trying to understand them and play to your strengths.


Are you better at:
A) playing well with animals and small children
Or
B) being emotionally supportive

(It's okay if none of them are your absolute best skill, but at least know which ones you're best at.)

Also excel in any area of life and allow that information to be known to her in a way that isn't through your mouth (again wingman if you have no other way).

 

[Shamar]

"Wingman:"
If you have a NT friend who will also be there, consider asking then for a nudge if you overlook the signals.

You have probably read what I have written in the past about this, but I have no friends who could serve as a wingman or let me know about overlooked or missed signals. I suspect Anime Hair is in a similar situation. I CAN'T be the only one, there has to be others. If I really am the only one, I am a lot more lonely than I imagined.

 

[the_tortoise]

My ex-girlfriend pursued me and made it blatantly obvious she was interested. I was attracted to her, but she was the only woman expressing interest in (at least that I could tell). Turns out that she was an emotionally abusive predator who targeted me specifically because my autism made me vulnerable to her manipulation. She abused me psychologically for over two years before she broke things off.

I'm very sorry this happened to you...does that make it harder for you to sort of trust people or put yourself out there in terms of finding a romantic relationship?

Not asking to be nosy, just raising this as something to consider - would be understandable if being the victim of psychological dating/partner violence has affected your ability to trust, to judge true vs exploitative interest, and maybe how you think others (esp women you are romantically interested in) will perceive you and whether they will value and respect you and accept you as you are (since psychological abuse tends to involve the person telling you untrue awful degrading things about yourself and not accepting you as you are).

You can have in common many other things except kids and grandkids, everyone has hobbies and preferences.

I second this.

You seem to think nobody on earth but you is still single and never-married and childless in their 40s...this just isn't true in the wider world, even if it does happen to be true in your familiar peer groups.

It is true that being single at 40 may be more rare than being single at, say, 20, but you aren't one-of-a-kind in this respect.

I am curious -- are you put off by the possibility of having different life experience to a potential romantic partner -- like it would be bad for your comfort and relationship goals? If so, I am not saying this is at all bad, and if it is essential for you then it is essential for you and that is 100% okay -- no judgement from me I am just curious why? I ask because if it's not personal and you just kind of assume it is a prerequisite for others: Even when people have lived very different lives they may find the things they do share (values, ideas, preferences, interests) create powerful connections and that they love each other deeply. (There is also the idea that "opposites attract"...for some people this is not true, but for others it is.)

Or do you assume any woman in your age group would be put off by your lack of experience with parenthood and romantic relationships ? If this is holding you back, please don't let it:

Many people actively choose not to have children (by any means, including adoption -- and yes that includes heterosexual, cisgender women) for probably an infinite number of reasons;

Many people just never meet the right person for starting a family or even considering raising children until they are older than you are now (again this includes heterosexual, cisgender women).

Many people (maybe a minority considering the entire human population -- but when you consider how many humans exist, from the standpoint of one human looking to find a romantic partner, it still counts as "many") don't require their partner to share much life experience with them, or even all the same interests or values as them, and yet they love each other and build healthy, satisfying and sustainable relationships.

What matters most in any relationship is what you do share, it may not be so important the ratio of sameness to differentness, nor any particular specific way that you are different -- there is no universal formula that applies to all people for what they consider is important a romantic partner shares with them.

And there have to be autistic women who have similar life experience to your own, including a lack of significant (or any at all) dating/romantic relationship experience.

From others' stories and my own personal experience, I tend to think the best way for an autistic person to make meaningful connections with other people (friends or romantic/sexual) seems to be around shared interests. Really I think this is probably how most people make friends and meet partners (and the healthiest romantic partner is usually also your friend -- like your best friend in the entire world), but NTs may be able to talk and ask about interests more easily with anyone they are in proximity to regardless of context, whereas autistic people may have to actually be in a context where the shared interest is the entire reason for being there, so it doesn't have to be asked about or stated and there is no uncertainty about the appropriateness of discussing the interest or how to bring it up -- it provides a sort of "lauch point" for conversation and connection.

@Dagan's idea of conventions seems like a really good one.

You might also look for interest groups online or offline.

Once upon a time there were dating sites geared to autistics. And is at least one thread on this site for people to post about themselves for the purpose of maybe finding a romantic partner. (I will try to look for these and post links...if I get distracted and forget hopefully someone else will.)

You have probably read what I have written in the past about this, but I have no friends who could serve as a wingman or let me know about overlooked or missed signals. I suspect Anime Hair is in a similar situation. I CAN'T be the only one, there has to be others. If I really am the only one, I am a lot more lonely than I imagined.

You are not the only one.

 

[the_tortoise]

Here on AutismForums:

Thread 'Dating Corner'

Jan 29, 2012

For those with the Asperger's Syndrome condition, love can be extremely hard to do properly, as finding the right person, and under the right circumstances, is nearly impossible. Something always seems to get in the way, whether it be some critical difference that makes a potential mate incompatible [religion, philosophy, your level of contact with them], them already being in a relationship [people often forget that the people who are considered "prime choices" are often already in a relationship, as you will rarely have been the one to have gotten there...

• RavenSly
• dating girlfriend love search
• Replies: 238
• Forum: Love, Relationships and Dating

• 
• 
• 

Dating sites/apps (some also for friendship without romance/casual in addition to romance/dating) for autistic/neurodivergent people that appeared in first page of search engine results:

Hiki | Autism, ADHD, Neurodivergent Dating App & Social Community

Autistic Dating - Love on the Spectrum

Autism dating and friendship - Love on the Spectrum

Autism Date

https://spectrum-singles.com/

This site led to a few more site, has some tips and a comparison of the dating sites/apps it lists and also compares them to a handful of mainstream dating sites/apps (note I did not read through at all carefully so I claim nothing about the usefulness of this):

07 Best Autism Dating Sites To Find Your Love on the Spectrum

(The additional dating sites/apps for autistic/neurodivergent people not already listed above:_)

Neurodivergent Dating

Atypikoo • Social Network & Dating App For Atypical People

https://www.specialbridge.com/

 

[Anime Hair]

Cons. You want to attend every con that you can get to. Those are your people, I promise, and it's more often than not that some very "seeking" gals will be there. I get approached every time I am at one - more so if I am working the event. It's among the easiest social gatherings you would hope for.

That probably would have worked when I was younger, but not at my age now. Besides, cons are extremely expensive when you factor in travel and hotels. It is not within my means.

 

[Anime Hair]

I'm very sorry this happened to you...does that make it harder for you to sort of trust people or put yourself out there in terms of finding a romantic relationship?

Not asking to be nosy, just raising this as something to consider - would be understandable if being the victim of psychological dating/partner violence has affected your ability to trust, to judge true vs exploitative interest, and maybe how you think others (esp women you are romantically interested in) will perceive you and whether they will value and respect you and accept you as you are (since psychological abuse tends to involve the person telling you untrue awful degrading things about yourself and not accepting you as you are).


I second this.

You seem to think nobody on earth but you is still single and never-married and childless in their 40s...this just isn't true in the wider world, even if it does happen to be true in your familiar peer groups.

It is true that being single at 40 may be more rare than being single at, say, 20, but you aren't one-of-a-kind in this respect.

I am curious -- are you put off by the possibility of having different life experience to a potential romantic partner -- like it would be bad for your comfort and relationship goals? If so, I am not saying this is at all bad, and if it is essential for you then it is essential for you and that is 100% okay -- no judgement from me I am just curious why? I ask because if it's not personal and you just kind of assume it is a prerequisite for others: Even when people have lived very different lives they may find the things they do share (values, ideas, preferences, interests) create powerful connections and that they love each other deeply. (There is also the idea that "opposites attract"...for some people this is not true, but for others it is.)

Or do you assume any woman in your age group would be put off by your lack of experience with parenthood and romantic relationships ? If this is holding you back, please don't let it:

Many people actively choose not to have children (by any means, including adoption -- and yes that includes heterosexual, cisgender women) for probably an infinite number of reasons;

Many people just never meet the right person for starting a family or even considering raising children until they are older than you are now (again this includes heterosexual, cisgender women).

Many people (maybe a minority considering the entire human population -- but when you consider how many humans exist, from the standpoint of one human looking to find a romantic partner, it still counts as "many") don't require their partner to share much life experience with them, or even all the same interests or values as them, and yet they love each other and build healthy, satisfying and sustainable relationships.

What matters most in any relationship is what you do share, it may not be so important the ratio of sameness to differentness, nor any particular specific way that you are different -- there is no universal formula that applies to all people for what they consider is important a romantic partner shares with them.

And there have to be autistic women who have similar life experience to your own, including a lack of significant (or any at all) dating/romantic relationship experience.

From others' stories and my own personal experience, I tend to think the best way for an autistic person to make meaningful connections with other people (friends or romantic/sexual) seems to be around shared interests. Really I think this is probably how most people make friends and meet partners (and the healthiest romantic partner is usually also your friend -- like your best friend in the entire world), but NTs may be able to talk and ask about interests more easily with anyone they are in proximity to regardless of context, whereas autistic people may have to actually be in a context where the shared interest is the entire reason for being there, so it doesn't have to be asked about or stated and there is no uncertainty about the appropriateness of discussing the interest or how to bring it up -- it provides a sort of "lauch point" for conversation and connection.

@Dagan's idea of conventions seems like a really good one.

You might also look for interest groups online or offline.

Once upon a time there were dating sites geared to autistics. And is at least one thread on this site for people to post about themselves for the purpose of maybe finding a romantic partner. (I will try to look for these and post links...if I get distracted and forget hopefully someone else will.)

You are not the only one.

Maybe this is the case wherever you live, but you will not find any women like that anywhere remotely near tge Bible Belt. I have only met a grand total of one single woman in my age group in the past five years. Everywhere I go, every woman I meet is married.

 

[Anime Hair]

I

Here on AutismForums:

Thread 'Dating Corner'

Jan 29, 2012

For those with the Asperger's Syndrome condition, love can be extremely hard to do properly, as finding the right person, and under the right circumstances, is nearly impossible. Something always seems to get in the way, whether it be some critical difference that makes a potential mate incompatible [religion, philosophy, your level of contact with them], them already being in a relationship [people often forget that the people who are considered "prime choices" are often already in a relationship, as you will rarely have been the one to have gotten there...

• RavenSly
• dating girlfriend love search
• Replies: 238
• Forum: Love, Relationships and Dating

• 
• 
• 

Dating sites/apps (some also for friendship without romance/casual in addition to romance/dating) for autistic/neurodivergent people that appeared in first page of search engine results:

Hiki | Autism, ADHD, Neurodivergent Dating App & Social Community

Autistic Dating - Love on the Spectrum

Autism dating and friendship - Love on the Spectrum

Autism Date

https://spectrum-singles.com/

This site led to a few more site, has some tips and a comparison of the dating sites/apps it lists and also compares them to a handful of mainstream dating sites/apps (note I did not read through at all carefully so I claim nothing about the usefulness of this):

07 Best Autism Dating Sites To Find Your Love on the Spectrum

(The additional dating sites/apps for autistic/neurodivergent people not already listed above:_)

Neurodivergent Dating

Atypikoo • Social Network & Dating App For Atypical People

Special Bridge | Disabled Dating Site for People with Disabilities

I have been on dating sites and apps hundreds of times, over a period of several years, and have every app under the sun. In all that, I have actually gone on no more than 4 dates, and never went on a second date with anyone. I know from experience that dating apps don't work.

 

[Tired]

I

I have been on dating sites and apps hundreds of times, over a period of several years, and have every app under the sun. In all that, I have actually gone on no more than 4 dates, and never went on a second date with anyone. I know from experience that dating apps don't work.

They do work, I found my autistic boyfriend there. He waited for me on the app for like 2 years.

 

[the_tortoise]

Maybe this is the case wherever you live, but you will not find any women like that anywhere remotely near tge Bible Belt. I have only met a grand total of one single woman in my age group in the past five years. Everywhere I go, every woman I meet is married.

Ah ok...I did not think about location -- typical social norms and community expectations. Sorry! I was thinking more in terms of the wider world in general...

This was my perspective because, when I was still able to work some (was not physically disabled, had tons of life support that is now all gone, and all my job-ending weirdness and failure was chalked up to youth quite a lot of the time....) I once moved across the country (of Canada - I live in Canada) with only enough money to live without work for 1-3 months, just to get away from the area I found myself stuck in, where nothing about me really fit with most other people. (There were some people like me I found out years later, but was not exactly easy to find them)

 

[Poppy98]

I

I have been on dating sites and apps hundreds of times, over a period of several years, and have every app under the sun. In all that, I have actually gone on no more than 4 dates, and never went on a second date with anyone. I know from experience that dating apps don't work.

Maybe your "advertising campaign" needs some work? It might be a little personal for you to want to post it, but if you do, we or someone else might have some insights.


If your local area isn't a great fit, then online dating is probably your most efficient route.

Maybe this is the case wherever you live, but you will not find any women like that anywhere remotely near tge Bible Belt. I have only met a grand total of one single woman in my age group in the past five years. Everywhere I go, every woman I meet is married.

That does make sense.

I

I have been on dating sites and apps hundreds of times, over a period of several years, and have every app under the sun. In all that, I have actually gone on no more than 4 dates, and never went on a second date with anyone. I know from experience that dating apps don't work.

Hey, at least you have the initiative to try that and keep trying. Some guys don't even make it close to those steps. Your chances are a lot better given your initiative to at least do that. Now it's just a matter of finding the best way to market yourself.


Seriously what are three things you're exceptionally/very good at?
Cars? Cooking? Programming? Carpentry? Art? Writing? Any type of ability can be helpful in garnering attention.

 

[the_tortoise]

I have been on dating sites and apps hundreds of times, over a period of several years, and have every app under the sun. In all that, I have actually gone on no more than 4 dates, and never went on a second date with anyone. I know from experience that dating apps don't work.

The fact that you went out on 4 dates, some would consider that success...

The way I look at dating apps/websites:

The purpose of a dating app/site is not to guarantee you find your ideal romantic/sexual partner (or any romantic/sexual partner), but to give you a chance to meet other people who might, if you are lucky, be compatible with you and end up being your long-term partner or spouse and soul mate or one-night stand or whatever you are both looking for.

Meeting people through a dating site just clarifies whether or not the people you contact in romantic/sexual interest are actually looking for that kind of relationship in a way that doesn't happen if you just approach someone you fancy in any other life context (except maybe in-person gatherings for single people looking to meet romantic/sexual partners).

There is never any guarantee that among those you meet on a dating app/site you will go on even one date, let alone many dates up to long-term of lifelong partnership/marriage.

It's the mostly the same as meeting people anywhere else -- you hope to find someone you will be compatible with and either hook up with or date and fall mutually in love with, marry and be with forever (whatever you both ultimately want) but there is no guarantee for any of those things on a dating site any more than for anywhere else.

If you don't keep trying to meet people, you guarantee no success....

It's okay to decide the effort is not worth it -- again no judgement. You know your community, yourself, and your life best; You just seem very down on yourself, and I wish you could see yourself in a more positive light; And I wish to tell you it's common to struggle to find a compatible partner, there are lots of variables involved -- and one of them is just pure chance/luck.

They do work, I found my autistic boyfriend there. He waited for me on the app for like 2 years.

Maybe part of it is a matter of location and popularity of app - if very few people use dating apps where you live, and you (and other app users) don't want a long-distance sort of relationship, they won't be as useful.

Also if you are odd-person out in your community in general (behaviour, values, interests, experiences), that would make it really hard.

Also matters what kind of profile you make, I suspect... you have to be positive about who you are.

 

[Dagan]

I see way more adults at cons than I ever see kids. I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise because the last thing I'll ever do is put someone in a creepy situation like that. You can also work the cons, if you wish (cons are always hiring and/or needing volunteer workers), and you wind up making friends and gaining free entry to the entire event. I assure you that it's always quite many adults running these events. Adults who love comics, genre content and then some.

 

[Anime Hair]

My problem with dating apps if that I cannot connect with someone unless it's in person. Even then, I need to get to someone to a certain extent before I even know if I'm seriously attracted her. The last thing I want to do is move across the country for someone I met on a dating app, only to realize I don't like her.