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I cut my mother out of my life officially two days ago. Uncertain about things (Advice)

aspieman2396

aspieman2396

Well-Known Member
First and foremost, I touched on this in a previous thread of mine, but I had come to the conclusion that reconciling with her is counterproductive and it's not even worth it in my situation...

I found out that she cheated on my dad before they divorced recently, I suspected it but now I got confirmation of it and thinking about it all, I came to the conclusion that I can't trust her anymore.

Up until two days ago. I had contact with my half-sister and we were close. My mother messaged me two nights accusing me of airing dirty laundry to her when I know in my heart FOR A FACT that I only briefly touched on that subject in my talks with my half-sister. I got scared and angry at the same time... I finally blocked their numbers on my phone. So it took 10 years but the last link was broken. I have cried enough, I accepted the pain. I forgave her but I won't let her back into my life. I am ready to move on.

I am scared that she will come around and harm me because she is a very angry person and she threatened me, really made my dad's life a living hell during the divorce and threatened him and my family as well. She would harass them and stuff, some people have come forward saying that they were fearing for their lives because of her... I'm scared of her, My dad is scared of her, my stepmom too... I am seriously thinking about getting a restraining order against her and I really do not want to see her ever again in my life, if I see her in public, I am turning around and running the other way. I am that scared. I am also considering going into hiding. Am I overthinking this or am I making a rational decision?

Here's the backstory: https://www.autismforums.com/thread...-how-to-cope-venting-again.23512/#post-469289
 
I'm so sorry for your situation. I don't think you you are overthinking this at all. It's a big deal and it's going to take time for you to process it and get used to it

You need to protect yourself first and foremost. Take care of your own peace, calm, and stability. Once you have established that, then you can decide what relationship you want with each family member and do it on your own terms. If they can't deal with your terms, then you have every right to cut them off.

I'm not sure what conditions are required for a restraining order - whether there needs to be a tangible threat or if you just need to say you don't feel safe. Anyway, it's worth looking into.

Best of luck.
 
aspieman2396 said:
I had contact with my half-sister and we were close. My mother messaged me two nights accusing me of airing dirty laundry to her when I know in my heart FOR A FACT that I only briefly touched on that subject in my talks with my half-sister. I got scared and angry at the same time.
Click to expand...

- Up until two days ago - you were part of the drama.
Your half sister was relaying the information to your mother
no doubt putting a spin on it.
You know about triangulation right?
The karpmann drama triangle?

The healthy one is usually the first to leave.

aspieman2396 said:
I am seriously thinking about getting a restraining order against her and I really do not want to see her ever again in my life, if I see her in public, I am turning around and running the other way. I am that scared. I am also considering going into hiding. Am I overthinking this or am I making a rational decision?
Click to expand...

I expect your mother anger is manipulation based.
I doubt it will be more than that.
You need to wait to approach things calmly.

If she does come to the house - don't answer - record her going nutso at the door.
then get your restraining order.

Strategise and think what will happen.
I would expect your half sister to 'be sent' or to have words to encourage you to make the first move.
What are you boundaries?
I refuse to talk about mother - is my suggestion.

Breaking free takes time.
There is the last time the mother is seen.
Then there is the mental fall out.
This can last a long time.

I've said this before but I wrote out all pros and cons - in an online passworded diary -
whenever I get assaulted by difficult thoughts - thoughts that coax me into trying to make a decision.
I know 'past me' - the guy who put a lot of thought into it - made the decision.
Written down words, deep thoughts and decisions made have a solidity that can work against emotional thoughts and moments.
Think of it as many aspects of your armour.
this has to protect you from backsliding, going back on your decision.

Eventually I moved away. Nobody came round anyway.

Write down what you want.
Planning a better future is more armour to protect you from the past.


btw - you may get frustrated at how long it takes.
It can take years but it does get better.
A lot better.
Absence makes your heart grow bigger.
 
Fridgemagnetman said:
- Up until two days ago - you were part of the drama.
Your half sister was relaying the information to your mother
no doubt putting a spin on it.
You know about triangulation right?
The karpmann drama triangle?

The healthy one is usually the first to leave.



I expect your mother anger is manipulation based.
I doubt it will be more than that.
You need to wait to approach things calmly.

If she does come to the house - don't answer - record her going nutso at the door.
then get your restraining order.

Strategise and think what will happen.
I would expect your half sister to 'be sent' or to have words to encourage you to make the first move.
What are you boundaries?
I refuse to talk about mother - is my suggestion.

Breaking free takes time.
There is the last time the mother is seen.
Then there is the mental fall out.
This can last a long time.

I've said this before but I wrote out all pros and cons - in an online passworded diary -
whenever I get assaulted by difficult thoughts - thoughts that coax me into trying to make a decision.
I know 'past me' - the guy who put a lot of thought into it - made the decision.
Written down words, deep thoughts and decisions made have a solidity that can work against emotional thoughts and moments.
Think of it as many aspects of your armour.
this has to protect you from backsliding, going back on your decision.

Eventually I moved away. Nobody came round anyway.

Write down what you want.
Planning a better future is more armour to protect you from the past.


btw - you may get frustrated at how long it takes.
It can take years but it does get better.
A lot better.
Absence makes your heart grow bigger.
Click to expand...
Although your post is very confusing and set up like a poem/riddle, I agree with you, am I
 
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For my benefit, I looked this up.
victim, rescuer, persecutor
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

upload_2018-7-26_13-5-32.png
 
To bad to see this. It's your life and your decision. I wish you the best right now and if you feel this is for the best then so be it. Good luck.
 
aspieman2396 said:
Am I a victim or a martyr?
Click to expand...

I've been both at different times. Sometimes you serve in the 'martyr' position when your family asks for your help or assumes you'll take on a responsibility, when someone becomes ill for example.

Was the victim for most of my childhood and into adulthood, left home at sixteen and was no longer the victim. When siblings or parents or grandparents needed help I became the martyr again. I'm neither of those things now, it's been about five years since I severed contact.

The first two years I was afraid that they would all show up at my home and break down the doors and drag me back into the chaos. Startled each time the telephone rang, thinking it was them. They didn't come after me for awhile, but on the internet, by email, and sent things in the regular mail. Things I ignored or destroyed at the post office, with emails I created blocking lists, used an answering machine as well so I could screen calls.
 
Mia said:
I've been both at different times. Sometimes you serve in the 'martyr' position when your family asks for your help or assumes you'll take on a responsibility, when someone becomes ill for example.

Was the victim for most of my childhood and into adulthood, left home at sixteen and was no longer the victim. When siblings or parents or grandparents needed help I became the martyr again. I'm neither of those things now, it's been about five years since I severed contact.

The first two years I was afraid that they would all show up at my home and break down the doors and drag me back into the chaos. Startled each time the telephone rang, thinking it was them. They didn't come after me for awhile, but on the internet, by email, and sent things in the regular mail. Things I ignored or destroyed at the post office, with emails I created blocking lists, used an answering machine as well so I could screen calls.
Click to expand...
Last Saturday, my aunt came around, for a millisecond I thought it was my mother... the panic was there and I was watching some creepy closing logos to add to the fun, weird huh? I am still paranoid.
 
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aspieman2396 said:
Last saturday, my aunt came around, for a millisecond i thought it was my mother... the panic was there
Click to expand...

Survivors often have complex post traumatic stress symptoms, including panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, depression.

He or she may “hoover” survivors by emailing, texting, phoning, or showing up at a survivor’s workplace or residence under the pretext of apologizing for transgressions, delivering flowers, or feigning illness or a need for assistance (money, return of belongings, etc.). Often they send a friend or relative in their place, to convince the person to maintain contact.

This cycle is akin to the Power and Control Wheel often referred to in the domestic violence recovery community. The hoover maneuver is an attempt to see if a prior target of abuse can be conned into another cycle of abuse, resulting in the abusive person reclaiming a sense of power and control by causing pain (emotional and sometimes physical) to a target.
 
I also want to add that she attacked me and my faith a few weeks ago. She stated that because I dont talk to her that God would punish me. That bothered me for weeks and it still does.
 
aspieman2396 said:
I also want to add that she attacked me and my faith a few weeks ago. She stated that because I dont talk to her that God would punish me. That bothered me for weeks and it still does.
Click to expand...

She sounds very abusive, I am sorry for you, You may need some time away to get yourself centered on your own opinion, not hers, You might benefit from therapy
 
It seems your mother needs a psychiatrist, but how to get her to one, especially if you've no contact with her now, I don't know. I'm English, so don't know the procedure for access to such services in America (I assume that's where you live, going by a couple of words and phrases you've used), or what help is available if she can't afford to pay for treatment and doesn't have health insurance I'm afraid. For the same reason, I'm also clueless as to where you'd stand re: a restraining order.

However, you've made a huge decision and made a big step, and you're going to need all the support you can get, whether it's from relatives (not the stepsister though, I'd have as little to do with her as possible if I were you), work colleagues, friends, people at church, etc. If you can get some counselling that will actually help you, then do so. No, God won't harm or punish you for doing this, saying that is spiritual abuse.
 
felines are superior said:
You wrote you, your stepmom, and dad are afraid of your mother. Has she ever been violent before?
Click to expand...

Yes, she was. she threatened people, she falsified an incident of domestic abuse, and she started a lot of drama with all of us collectively. In 2013, we got into a little skirmish which almost turned into a physical altercation.
 
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