1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Featured Hurt. I seem to agitate people by just being myself.

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Frostee, Sep 8, 2019.

  1. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    338
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2012
    Karma:
    +313
    I try, and try everyday socially. I have a lot of anxiety and stress in social situations.

    I’m not feeling the best right now because i’m still unemployed after graduating. Seeing my peers excel and move forwards isn’t helping.

    ______

    This evening something on Facebook really upset me.

    - I’m just back from a trip to London. Yesterday I uploaded photos with the status “photos of my trip to London. I’m having a great time, I am happy to get out of Northern Ireland, really depressing there. Don’t know how someone could choose to spend the rest of their life there?”. Which is what I believe.

    - So, a guy from a local Autistic club wrote “you should be a politician”. I said why. He said “because you always whine” (this is the second time he’s said this).

    - So I told him that he could delete me if he didn’t like my posts. So, that’s what he did.

    - However, upon further inspection a colleague from my University also deleted me at that moment.

    Now, at the moment i’m feeling very hurt. Why? Because I feel that people have very negative opinion of my FB profile because I have noticed a lack of likes and interactions with me on there in the last year.

    I used to use it to vent about my depression and isolation at University. I know that this was wrong, and I won’t do this again. It’s just upsetting that people choose to form a negative opinion of me based on that time period where I was venting about my troubles, rather than to help me.

    So, regarding the colleague. I am very, hurt and upset about this. I hold this person to high regard due to their maturity and high intelligence. I have never had any rows or confrontation with this person. It is upsetting that he has chosen to delete me.

    I don’t know, I guess i’m saying i’m living my life the way I always do as I am and people are getting agitated at me. This is hurting me and making me go onwards, not talking and just feeling like nobody actually likes me, at all.

    I really do not set out to offend people.

    I am struggling with this. I need to talk to someone.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 9
  2. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    5,920
    Joined:
    May 27, 2015
    Karma:
    +14,054
    There is the idea that if you're fair with both positive and negative perceptions, there will be less of a tendency to only see one side.

    Northern Ireland seemed depressing to you and perhaps things that you experienced were, although around the corner someone was enjoying their life, they may have even been happy. But you didn't see or experience that, with that particular mindset I might have only seen the worst things.

    That doesn't mean there isn't anything else. It's much like Plato's allegory of the cave, if you don't all ready know it:

    "...Plato has Socrates describe a group of people who have lived chained to the wall of a cave all of their lives, facing a blank wall. The people watch shadows projected on the wall from objects passing in front of a fire behind them, and give names to these shadows. The shadows are the prisoners' reality.

    Socrates explains how the philosopher is like a prisoner who is freed from the cave and comes to understand that the shadows on the wall are not reality at all, for he can perceive the true form of reality rather than the manufactured reality that is the shadows seen by the prisoners. The inmates of this place do not even desire to leave their prison, for they know no better life. The prisoners manage to break their bonds one day, and discover that their reality was not what they thought it was. They discovered the sun, which Plato uses as an analogy for the fire that man cannot see behind. Like the fire that cast light on the walls of the cave, the human condition is forever bound to the impressions that are received through the senses. Even if these interpretations (or, in Kantian terminology, intuitions) are an absurd misrepresentation of reality, we cannot somehow break free from the bonds of our human condition—we cannot free ourselves from phenomenal state just as the prisoners could not free themselves from their chains. If, however, we were to miraculously escape our bondage, we would find a world that we could not understand—the sun is incomprehensible for someone who has never seen it. In other words, we would encounter another "realm", a place incomprehensible because, theoretically, it is the source of a higher reality than the one we have always known; it is the realm of pure Form, pure fact.[1]"

    Allegory of the Cave - Wikipedia
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  3. Wolf Prince

    Wolf Prince My future job title.

    Messages:
    660
    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2019
    Karma:
    +968
    Wow.:eek:
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    169
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2019
    Karma:
    +289
    Maybe for a while you should not post anything that might be considered negative on your social media pages. Venting your depression on them probably gained you a reputation as an "Eeyore." So, if you want to counter that reputation, only post good things for a while.

    As for the two people who deleted you, I would feel embarrassed and hurt, too, as you do. Just maybe try to learn from it and use your social media pages in a different way from now on.

    By the by, I have a subscription to a wonderful little Belfast-based literary journal called The Tangerine that comes in the mail every three months (I live in the U.S.). Have you seen it around?
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  5. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,001
    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2016
    Karma:
    +2,039
    For what it's worth, you're not alone in having to go through this one.

    I've had this sort of thing happen *often*. I simply act as I always act, and for whatever reason, that really sets some people on edge. It's happened often enough that I barely pay attention to it anymore.

    And it's the same way with talking about stuff I like or dont like. In your post there you mention Northern Ireland and how you cant imagine how anyone would want to live there. I live in the US myself, near (but thankfully not in) the city of Chicago. And I *hate* it. Every bloody inch of this region... I will despise it forever. And I often hear people praising this area or calling it nice and it's absolutely baffling to me. I do not understand, and never will. And I've learned that talking about stuff I dont like is a great way to get people to snap. But when I say stuff like that... it's simply me being honest, nothing more. It's frustrating, yeah?

    I wish I had a good bit of helpful advice for you on what to do about it, but... no, I dont.

    What I will tell you is this: if someone responds that way to you... if they cant deal with you when you're simply being yourself... then they arent exactly much of a friend to begin with. Real friends accept you for who you are, period. So if a couple of them deleted you there, well... maybe you didnt really lose much there.

    Hope you feel better.
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Agree Agree x 2
  6. Aspychata

    Aspychata But this is my happy face.....

    Messages:
    1,109
    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +1,951
    I am walking the path. It's a tough path. l have come to grips that l have PTSD, and l have lost friends as a result of it.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  7. Running Girl

    Running Girl Member

    Messages:
    75
    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2019
    Karma:
    +177
    Fb etiquette, as i perceive it, is to keep everything positive and superficial. Its not about being yourself, or struggling, or having strong opinions. Its different on a fb group, which can be about anything. I belong to a fb group where he mothers of addict kids gather and talk about our kids. It isnt positive, and it isnt superficial. Its raw, and heartbreaking. But thats a specialized group .

    As far as being 'negative'. I too have been accused of this social crime. Guilty as charged. Tired of censoring myself, and
    of being censured by the fb police. Is being too negative really worse than being judgemental, like those who judge me for being too negative? Or am i being negative about this? Best to post a photo of my new kitten and call it a day!
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2019
    • Like Like x 2
  8. anxiety247

    anxiety247 Active Member

    Messages:
    84
    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2019
    Karma:
    +121
    People just don't like seeing negative posts on social media like that. I used to do it myself, and I'm sure a lot of people don't like me because of it. They think you are just trying to seek attention.

    I learned that posting at least 90% positive most of the time helps, then when you write about your struggles and everything then people take that more seriously. Those 90% posts you put help them keep positive and then they will like following you and your posts. If it's always negative, they might not want to keep following because it puts them down to see that.

    If you really need to vent, or talk to someone I would recommend joining a small group or talking to your friends about it where you are able to.

    You can also create an anonymous account where you can just vent however you like and not worry about your personal friends getting tired of seeing it.


    Another thing, it's so tempting to be honest and yourself with people and this becomes difficult when we are struggling because we tend to be more negative a lot. Sometimes you just have to pretend to be positive and keep repeating to yourself "is this thing I'm saying being too negative?"

    and remember that saying "fake it till you make it" so faking being positive eventually turns into actually becoming more positive thinking. I've been working on this for a long time, and it does work!
     
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,508
    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2018
    Karma:
    +6,972
    People want to be happy.
    If you contribute to that, they like you.
    If you counter that, they don't.

    Be more positive, happy, kind, and grateful.

    It's really that simple.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
  10. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor

    Messages:
    6,312
    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2016
    Karma:
    +5,770
    Look for a Facebook group where people don’t like Northern Ireland, there are loads of Facebook groups ,I’m a member of the one for autistic people who are chronically ill, so we can freely discuss what it’s like being autistic and ill,You’ve got to learn to agree to disagree, then people will get the idea that you have boundaries that they can’t cross .
     
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    338
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2012
    Karma:
    +313
    I’m just sitting here confused. I thought everything was fine between me and him? Then he goes and rants at me and deletes me!?

    Autistic people are confusing.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  12. Aspychata

    Aspychata But this is my happy face.....

    Messages:
    1,109
    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +1,951
    If you find the right context then you are not censured by the thought police. If you are negative at the fluffy pink unicorn fb then people drop you. If you are negative at the l hate fluffy pink unicorn fb then people accept you.
     
  13. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,051
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +7,873
    You may feel depressed and that seeps through your messages, but this message, in particular, doesn't sound like your depressed. It sounds a little condescending. Remember that in writing, the words you choose are especially important because you don't know in what tone it's being read.

    I was texting with a friend the other day and finally had to come out and ask if what she was saying was meant in a good way or bad because the words themselves could have gone either way.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  14. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    338
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2012
    Karma:
    +313
    This does not justify drastically deleting someone.

    I don’t know where this came from? He was digging at me every so often about my posts, but I have never been rude to him.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  15. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor

    Messages:
    6,312
    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2016
    Karma:
    +5,770
    again what I have in the category of human psychology ,humans become predatorial if they see any sign of weakness ,he was treating you like prey !And he was feeding the predator with in him ,easier than not being selfish ,humans like easy.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  16. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,288
    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2014
    Karma:
    +2,436
    I wouldn't call deleting someone on facebook "drastic". After I left uni I deleted 90% of my friends list because they were no longer relevant to my life, it wasn't anything personal. I would guess that may be what happened with the "colleague from university", you had graduated and thus were no longer a part of their life.

    Again you are looking at this as "but I haven't been rude so they have no reason to reject me" when you really have no idea what they have been thinking of you all this time. Maybe they thought you were rude all along, even if you didn't mean to be. Maybe they really love Northern Ireland and were deeply offended by your comment. Maybe they had just had enough of your negativity. As someone who seems to be incredibly sensitive to subtle slights (real or imagined) from others I'm surprised at how unaware you are of how your own behaviour may affect others without your intention or realisation.

    Do you realise how draining it is to see nothing but "moan moan moan" from someone? It can be utterly exhausting and demoralising to have negativity constantly throw in your face like it can be on facebook. Someone people just want to use facebook without having to deal with other peoples drama, and that's ok, they have a right to choose how they want to use the platform and who they want to interact with. That is also true for you of course, if you want to use facebook to complain about your home or whatever, that is your right, but you are not entitled to anyone else's attention while you do it.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Joshua Aaron

    Joshua Aaron Autistic Bisexual

    Messages:
    1,265
    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,212
    I've felt the same way before, you ain't alone.
     
  18. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    338
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2012
    Karma:
    +313
    As far as I am concerned deleting someone on FB implies removing them from your life.

    This person who deleted me and whines in my comments. I don’t know what’s going on with him. I have always had a fine relationship with him.

    I don’t know where his ranting and raving at me is coming from lately.

    As far as I am concerned, I am done with him. I will not be reaching out to him.

    Go ahead and critique me though, rather than explain what has happened.
     
  19. WildCat

    WildCat and his scatterbrain V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,218
    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2010
    Karma:
    +1,466
    Probably time you find someone that will listen to you as is. If they can't handle you as you are, even in your current state, then don't consider it a loss and move on. From reading your threads so far, I believe you're not out to purposely offend anyone. Maybe young, still confused by life and trying to find your place in the world, but nothing wrong with that.

    No, life isn't all sunshine and roses and there are plenty of other people reflecting just that, and anyone selfishly expecting such from someone else needs to honestly grow up. If you want to be yourself, be yourself and work on yourself to be a better version of yourself.
     
  20. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    338
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2012
    Karma:
    +313
    Thank you Wilscat. I do try to change and modify my behaviour to suit others and to not be awkward.

    I can’t/don’t always know that i’m being offensive. As I say I wasn’t aware that there was a conflict between me and this guy.

    It’s shame. I won’t be running after him though.