How to write less formally?

[savi83]

Hi everybody,

I get told quite often that I come across quite formal in email's, letter's, texts, etc.

I have an idea of what I want to say but as soon as I start to type it tends to end up that way. I'm not sure if it's due to me having an image of it having a start, middle and an end every time.

For example, if someone that I'm working with from a different department emails me a document that I need, I couldn't just email back "Thanks, S", even the word "Thanks" gets to me. I would respond with a full thank you.

I also seem to start every email with "Hi X, Hope you are well." I don't know where it comes from I do it all the time even though I could have spoken to them five seconds before or know that they are dying of man flu. And I also end with "Kind regards...".

Back to the subject at hand, does anyone have any ideas of how I can soften up my emails?

Thank you.

 

[grommet]

I do not know how you can change how you write and still be yourself. I speak formally and it bothers me but it seems I can only change it when I pretend to speak like someone else and I hate to lie so it makes me feel bad.

 

[shinkansen]

I get told quite often that I come across quite formal in email's, letter's, texts, etc.

You are not alone. The same has been said of me.

You might want to look at the texts and emails which are sent to you. Look at the style of writing, do they use short snappy messages ? Do they use picture icons ?

I struggle with this too. Using an informal style doesn't come naturally. I try to use phrases, which I hear in everyday speech. For instance "how's it going ?" (instead of "how are you ?") or "sure thing!" (instead "yes, I will").

 

[grommet]

You are not alone. The same has been said of me.

You might want to look at the texts and emails which are sent to you. Look at the style of writing, do they use short snappy messages ? Do they use picture icons ?

I struggle with this too. Using an informal style doesn't come naturally. I try to use phrases, which I hear in everyday speech. For instance "how's it going ?" (instead of "how are you ?") or "sure thing!" (instead "yes, I will").

But how can you do that without hurting yourself? I do the same thing so I can get along but I have friends who I feel I have never been honest with because with them I always use unnatural language trying to speak casually the way they do. Always makes me feel like a fraud but what can I do? I remember as child in school getting strange looks from the other children when I spoke the way I thought so I forced myself to learn the phrases they used and to mispronounce words and use poor grammar and be inaccurate and never give the time exactly. It always made me feel bad about myself but it kept me from being made fun of or beaten up.

 

[Astroganga]

I am the same, but it has got me many good results for various things-so don't see a need to change. It is only my dad and siblings where I can manage to keep emails short and informal.

 

[Suzanne]

I also type formally, but just of late, I am able to be a little bit slangly, which is so unusual for me and I certainly cannot speak slangly.

I used words like: gonna, which is just not in my vocab, but for some reason, it fit and I enjoyed using it, but not for other situations. Oh and: ya. But those are usually due to responding to someone's post.

I always hestitate to say: hope I find you well, because suppose they are not well etc and so, I do not say it.

Like you, I prefer: thank you, but sometimes do write: thanks, but only occasionally.

I am told that I come across as very natural when I send emails to people or text.

But at the end of the day, I do prefer to be professional almost and have been told that when I talk on the phone, it is like I should be a secretary lol

 

[shinkansen]

But how can you do that without hurting yourself?

It's difficult, isn't it ? And I wish I had a good answer. If I did, I'be happier than I am now. I was bullied at school because of the way I talked.

Try and be easier on yourself. You've been trying to do something, which not everyone appreciates or understands. You've forced yourself to learn phrases other people use. An effort that many people will never face. And that's an achievement for you.

 

[grommet]

Yes, I was bullied too. What I said made sense and what they said did not but they all got mad at me. The called me Professor and names like that. Then I listened and memorized what they said and how they spoke. Nothing was accurate, words were sloppy, mispronounced and incorrectly used but that was the popular way. When I started going that, though it made me hate myself, they stopped picking on me and picked another kid. The hardest thing for me to remember and I still have trouble with it is to never say the correct time. Use the word, 'about' or the awful phrase, 'pretty close to'. I don't know why but even adults get pretty upset if you say 7:42. In my head I always use 24 hour time because it is the most accurate and least easy to misunderstand but I can't ever say that out loud. I translate in my head what the normals say.

Rocco, a member here, makes my favorite paintings because there are never any people in them. Open places, all safe.

Thank you for your kind words but I cannot see how I can feel good about being dishonest even if it is the smart thing to do.

 

[Cosmophylla]

I'm one of those people that believes in "using ten words when one would do."

Oh this is me, too! As people see by the length of some of my posts. I just can't seem to get the words out right, to articulate.

My emails are always too formal, as well. I struggle to know how to word things.

When I'm writing on here, I try to write less formally that I used to. I also tend to change according to the thread...some threads are about informal topics so I will be more casual. On a serious topic I tend to be more formal because the subject required more considered word choices.

I have been through similar experiences of teasing and bullying. My parents called me "Grammar Queen" as a teen because I would insist on correcting their grammar during our conversations. I still correct people on TV or radio but I've learnt not to do it in person except with my kids, who are learning. And occasionally with my husband, who is a teacher and accepts as good fun.

I've always been a mimic. So although my instinct is to speak formally and grammatically correctly, I tend to take some of the mannerisms of those to whom I'm speaking... Not all, mind you. Just some.

I think another reason I've become more adaptable is that I spent so long in Japan and that Japanese became my primary language and my English started to fall away. This meant that I effectively had to relearn a lot of English when I returned to Australia. I had forgotten a lot of longer words and my English had been "dumbed down" from years of speaking simplified sentences to non-native speakers. While in Japan I assimilated by learning slang and trying my best to speak like a native.

I understand exactly what you mean about translating what people say, grommet. And about feeling dishonest with friends. While I have felt that, and do still occasionally, I've formed some new ideas about it. I've become more accepting of myself.

It all depends on how I perceive my behaviour: am I being dishonest, and lying to people, when I change my style of speech? That would suggest maliciousness on my part, a desire to deceive. No, that is most definitely NOT what I am doing. Rather, I'm being adaptable. I'm going with the flow. I'm giving the others in the conversation a degree of geniality, being gracious.

That may sound odd, but it works for me. In Japanese culture, it is important not to offend others; to use 立て前 (tatemae), "face", the official stance, the public face, as opposed to revealing one's private thoughts. The idea is that we are preserving harmony by doing this. The same is true in English speaking cultures, so it's not unique to Japan. I dare say many of us here have been reprimanded for being too honest.

Gah, long post again.

My point is, don't hate yourself for being adaptable. And don't hate yourself if you struggle to adapt. Adaptation is hard! And if you don't want to adapt, don't! It is good to be yourself, and it is a skill to have a good command of language. If people mock you, shame on them. There is no fault on your part. Your brain is obviously more capable.

Australian human rights barrister Geoffrey Robertson is well known for his very formal manner of speaking.

In an interview I saw him explain that he had always spoken that way, even as a child.

Don't feel you have to change. And if you do change, accept it as part of your repertoire and as a sign of your higher evolution.

(My profuse apologies if this post is rambling... It's Sunday morning and my kids are in the other room playing on the Wii and shouting their heads off, the radio is on in the kitchen, roosters are crowing and the kid next door is wailing... I can't think straight but didn't want to set this post aside...)

 

[Abe1]

Another one here to join the club, I always tend to be formal write writing e-mails, but it is probably better to be over formal than to be over friendly.

I also used to be blunt with e-mails but I am getting better at softening these.

I sometimes find that if there is a confusion if you were to blame yourself that sometimes helps softening the e-mail.

 

[sidamo]

If possible, just allow yourself to be happy and enjoy language the way you personally do. Blending in will never completely work so it's maybe more fun to stick out in a moderate way. I know I have this slightly formal way of talking and writing and I try to imply that I do it in part for fun, without making fun of the other person. When I use, in Dutch, a different word for "car" that suggests it's a stately classic sedan when it's actually just a modern hybrid compact, I like that 'joke' and people can't think it is arrogant because they see it's just that small black vehicle over there ;-)

 

[Cosmophylla]

Blending in will never completely work so it's maybe more fun to stick out in a moderate way.

Nicely put. Instead of trying to disappear into the crowd, allow yourself to be distinctive.

 

[Larisa]

I tend to be formal in letters and speech and struggled a lot to be less formal.
But I tend to observe people behaviour in interaction with me and without me and noticed several things:
1. People react weaker on informal letters (so people who are unhappy with my formal style in fact complain that they read my letters more attentively and it's harder for them to dismiss the information)
2. It's much harder for me to insist on people doing their part of work if before that I managed to wrote them less formal. Informal letters suggest we are not just co-workers but pals and if I insist on working issues I get from the other part mostly frustration and personal grudge.
I thought a lot and decided not to waste my efforts on being social at work - formal politeness is much more effective: I don't get much complains and I look professional if 'cold'.
It's hard for me to speak cold - I react on people's (my collegues) behaviour and they are not evil but confused or they got stood up in their turn. Information gets lost and people do mistakes - that's inevitable part of any working process.
On the other hand if my collegue disrupted our mutual working process I can speak very formal and inform them (once again) of sequences of their fault and that it's me who most likely get to be blamed if the work won't be done in time.
I don't call people names in the process of communication (I'm too busy with attempts to understand what exactly they want and why they can't do what they have to) but my collegues (who sit in one room with me) tell that I'm really scary
I tend to ask my co-roomers if I was too harsh in speaking on the phone - but they assure me that it was normal (we all are in one department and suffer the same if the work isn't done properly).

 

[Cosmophylla]

1. People react weaker on informal letters (so people who are unhappy with my formal style in fact complain that they read my letters more attentively and it's harder for them to dismiss the information)
2. It's much harder for me to insist on people doing their part of work if before that I managed to wrote them less formal. Informal letters suggest we are not just co-workers but pals and if I insist on working issues I get from the other part mostly frustration and personal grudge.

These are excellent points! Thank you.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I think, as Grommet has pointed out, trying to be something you're not doesn't work well in the long run because it causes too much cognitive dissonance...there's a conflict within yourself of, "I'm only accepted if I'm not me, so the real me isn't really accepted, and can't be." But there are adjustments you can make in recognition of the century we live in, and the technology we're working with.

In my case, my spoken speech isn't terribly formal, so I made the transition by trying to write the way I speak, even though I had been taught incessantly to write formally before the web was a thing. I spent a lot of time on forums of all kinds, and admired the posters whose posts came across so warmly and realistically, like they were standing there talking to me. So I tried emulating them, and got pretty good at it.

One thing you can do to decrease the formality of your writing while still being authentically you is to eliminate formal greetings and signoffs. I researched this very topic recently, because I got tired of the normal signoffs and wanted better ideas. But turns out, most people don't want to see that stuff anyway. So it's best to keep it super short, only use it with new acquaintances, and otherwise avoid it altogether.

You can start an email with "Hi So-and-so," then get straight to the point, or don't even bother with saying Hi unless there are multiple recipients copied in but you're only addressing one or two people directly.

End the email only with your name and contact info--don't bother with saying anything at the end like "See you later" or "Thanks for your attention." Nobody reads those statements anyway, and it makes the email feel like a formal letter, which it's not. Time is of the essence, and no one wants to take the time anymore to sift through formalities like greetings and signoffs.

 

[ezcare]

Hi everybody,

I get told quite often that I come across quite formal in email's, letter's, texts, etc.

I have an idea of what I want to say but as soon as I start to type it tends to end up that way. I'm not sure if it's due to me having an image of it having a start, middle and an end every time.

For example, if someone that I'm working with from a different department emails me a document that I need, I couldn't just email back "Thanks, S", even the word "Thanks" gets to me. I would respond with a full thank you.

I also seem to start every email with "Hi X, Hope you are well." I don't know where it comes from I do it all the time even though I could have spoken to them five seconds before or know that they are dying of man flu. And I also end with "Kind regards...".

Back to the subject at hand, does anyone have any ideas of how I can soften up my emails?

Thank you.

Writing tends to follow our verbal thoughts. So if we speak to people in formal terms we tend to write in formal terms as well. Try changing the way you greet people; both friends and strangers. Observe NTs in social situations to build up a repertoire. Once you have mastered this, then verbalize your text messages as you are writing them. Visualize the person you are writing to and type the words you are saying to them. If you are writing to a stranger, just picture a friend or acquaintance in their place.
BTW-Many of the European countries have tighter standards for familiarity than we Americans. What you are being told by your work associates is not universal.

 

[ancusmitis]

It's not so much that you need to use "wrong" grammar, but try using simpler grammar, shorter sentences, and words of fewer syllables. Than can give you an air of less formality. In particular, it is common in informal speech to leave an understood subject unspoken, although in formal writing you would never do this because it's a "sentence fragment." Other formalism are substituting "one" for generic "you," avoiding singular "they" either by saying "he" or giving long awkward lists like "he or she" when the subject of a verb is unknown. You could also try out the passive voice when it seems appropriate (although again formal language has banned it completely, even though it is both commonplace and traditional English grammar). Same with contractions. People rarely say "I am" or "they are" out loud, unless they're being emphatic.

Then even with mono- and disyllabic words, there's still the choice of vocabulary. "Kind regards" is highly formal, but "thanks a bunch" is colloquial as ****.

 

[grommet]

It's not so much that you need to use "wrong" grammar, but try using simpler grammar, shorter sentences, and words of fewer syllables. Than can give you an air of less formality. In particular, it is common in informal speech to leave an understood subject unspoken, although in formal writing you would never do this because it's a "sentence fragment." Other formalism are substituting "one" for generic "you," avoiding singular "they" either by saying "he" or giving long awkward lists like "he or she" when the subject of a verb is unknown. You could also try out the passive voice when it seems appropriate (although again formal language has banned it completely, even though it is both commonplace and traditional English grammar). Same with contractions. People rarely say "I am" or "they are" out loud, unless they're being emphatic.

Then even with mono- and disyllabic words, there's still the choice of vocabulary. "Kind regards" is highly formal, but "thanks a bunch" is colloquial as ****.

This is very interesting to me. Would you please show example of each of these techniques? It would be easier for me if I can see them. Thank you.

 

[ancusmitis]

This is very interesting to me. Would you please show example of each of these techniques? It would be easier for me if I can see them. Thank you.

I could just translate your post for you.

"Very interesting! Could I maybe see some examples? Just to make it easier for me. Thank you."

This is only one example, probably very specific to my own style. The exact words aren't important, though, just the general principles. Shorter sentences, things left unsaid when the audience can already supply them (what's interesting, and who is it interesting to, as well as what examples are being requested). I've also dropped "please," since it has a slight air of formality, though in truth not too big of one. I substituted "just" and "maybe" since those are specifically informal softeners. "I was wondering if you would" is another softener for requests. I've left "thank you" intact, since it works pretty much everywhere you go. It's basically identical to "I (would or 'd) appreciate it," even though that one is technically longer. More specifically informal would be single words like "thanks." I've also added an exclamation point to give it some feeling.

No real opportunities for the passive voice, but I can quote you Strunk and White on that score:

"The dramatists of the restoration are little esteemed today // Modern readers have little esteem for the dramatists of the Restoration.
"The first would be the preferred form in a paragraph on the dramatists of the Restoration, the second in a paragraph on the tastes of modern readers."

 

[grommet]

I could just translate your post for you.

"Very interesting! Could I maybe see some examples? Just to make it easier for me. Thank you."

This is only one example, probably very specific to my own style. The exact words aren't important, though, just the general principles. Shorter sentences, things left unsaid when the audience can already supply them (what's interesting, and who is it interesting to, as well as what examples are being requested). I've also dropped "please," since it has a slight air of formality, though in truth not too big of one. I substituted "just" and "maybe" since those are specifically informal softeners. "I was wondering if you would" is another softener for requests. I've left "thank you" intact, since it works pretty much everywhere you go. It's basically identical to "I (would or 'd) appreciate it," even though that one is technically longer. More specifically informal would be single words like "thanks." I've also added an exclamation point to give it some feeling.

No real opportunities for the passive voice, but I can quote you Strunk and White on that score:

"The dramatists of the restoration are little esteemed today // Modern readers have little esteem for the dramatists of the Restoration.
"The first would be the preferred form in a paragraph on the dramatists of the Restoration, the second in a paragraph on the tastes of modern readers."

Thank you for the example you gave me and I do recognize it's style but it isn't me. Now that I understand better what would be more socially acceptable, what would flow more easily, I can't do it. I mean I could but it would be too much like pretending. I have lied like that for so long that I wonder now if one reason I am keeping more to myself is because I don't want to do that anymore. It makes me feel alone when I am with others and I still pretend to not be me.

For aspies there is so much compromise needed to survive. Maybe sometimes it adds up and we need a break or even a change so that we won't need to do it anymore and for some of us maybe that means being by ourselves more. I wish it were easier or to put it to you it their way,

Yah, I wish'it was easiuh. (look down at my Smartphone and then sip a beer)