How to stop obsessing

[DavidS]

Well, I guess jumping right into the thick of it, my biggest problem is unhealthy obsession. There are thoughts that I can’t shake no matter what. Mostly they are me constantly thinking about the next time I am with my girlfriend, not all thoughts are sexually implicated but many are. These thoughts have grow disproportionately because we are in a “long distance” relationship and there has been no time due to work for either of us to see each other for many weeks. She recognizes the obsession in me and recoils from it, she loves me with all her heart, but there have been past instances in her life and in our experience together that give her reason to be uneasy when I become this way, so much so that she does not think it best we see each other at present.

This combination only fuels the obsession and it becomes vindictive and with unshakable mood swings and depression. It’s a downward spiral and I need answers to be at peace within myself to break this horrible cycle.

 

[Raggamuffin]

The more time you give to unhealthy thoughts - the stronger they get. You have to do your best to counter that internal voice with logical ideas around whatever worries you're having. You need to see the unhelpful thoughts as a hinderance, and to try and empower yourself with logic.

Long distance is difficult, I've been part of several such relationships. They can be very challenging, but you can't give into paranoia or fears.

I don't have the list to hand, but I have a link. There is a common pattern with negative thought processes that can trigger depression and anxiety. The more you read and know the list, the sooner you can nip unhelpful thoughts in the bud.

I think it can be very difficult to not instinctively think or react a certain way, but the sooner you defuse the thought and replace it with something that's postive, or simply more realistic - the better you will feel.

There's various books on CBT which might be helpful. That type of therapy has been proven to be as, if not more effective to treat mood disorders than medication.

Any self-help needs persistence though. There's no overnight cure for such things. Thought patterns are often deep rooted, and can have their roots in past traumas.

But learning more about Autism and thought processes is empowering, and it can help you to improve - if you're willing to put the time in.

Anyway, here's the link:

10 Thinking Patterns That Can Lead to Depression

There's a book on CBT I can recommend call Feeling Good by David Burns.

The thing to realise with jealous behaviours in relationships is that you're probably doing it for fear of losing someone. But your actions and thoughts will only serve to push people away.

A relationship is made of 2 people - 2 halves. You have to remember that you're only responsible for your half. You can't spend hours, days or weeks needlessly fretting about "what if's" because it'll make you feel depressed, anxious, even ill.

I know it's not as simple as saying "don't think like that." I know only too well how long and eroding depression can be. Still, it's never too late to try and improve on things.

Focus on what makes you happy, and when these unhelpful thoughts or obsessions come along. Try and combat them with logic and then move on - keep busy, distract yourself, or simply enjoy yourself. It'll take practice, but it can help you to divert your attention from self-destructive obsessions.

Ed

 

[Judge]

I'm in my sixties and have never been able to really suppress obsessive thought processes. Of course I have comorbid OCD which compounds it all.

What I have been able to do over time is to learn to live my life in increments of 24 hours or less. To try as best as is possible not to look beyond the next day. Not to eliminate such behaviors, but clearly to limit them from overwhelming us at times.

Which for many of us realistically may be the best we can do under such circumstances. In my own case CBT never worked for me in dealing with my OCD.

 

[Aspychata]

Hello. I have this issue in very unstructered friendships. It can be tough because l like to know where l am. Then the one l like accuses me of being not true in my feelings when l question if there are feelings on his side or a mask. So the cliff in rethinking this is a nano second away. But 24 hour chunks seem like a great idea. I also have a black cloud on me, and obsessing about him and me take me away about obessing over something l seem unable to control. So obsessing is unhealthy stimming and is harmful.

 

[DavidS]

The more time you give to unhealthy thoughts - the stronger they get. You have to do your best to counter that internal voice with logical ideas around whatever worries you're having. You need to see the unhelpful thoughts as a hinderance, and to try and empower yourself with logic.

Long distance is difficult, I've been part of several such relationships. They can be very challenging, but you can't give into paranoia or fears.

I don't have the list to hand, but I have a link. There is a common pattern with negative thought processes that can trigger depression and anxiety. The more you read and know the list, the sooner you can nip unhelpful thoughts in the bud.

I think it can be very difficult to not instinctively think or react a certain way, but the sooner you defuse the thought and replace it with something that's postive, or simply more realistic - the better you will feel.

There's various books on CBT which might be helpful. That type of therapy has been proven to be as, if not more effective to treat mood disorders than medication.

Any self-help needs persistence though. There's no overnight cure for such things. Thought patterns are often deep rooted, and can have their roots in past traumas.

But learning more about Autism and thought processes is empowering, and it can help you to improve - if you're willing to put the time in.

Anyway, here's the link:

10 Thinking Patterns That Can Lead to Depression

There's a book on CBT I can recommend call Feeling Good by David Burns.

The thing to realise with jealous behaviours in relationships is that you're probably doing it for fear of losing someone. But your actions and thoughts will only serve to push people away.

A relationship is made of 2 people - 2 halves. You have to remember that you're only responsible for your half. You can't spend hours, days or weeks needlessly fretting about "what if's" because it'll make you feel depressed, anxious, even ill.

I know it's not as simple as saying "don't think like that." I know only too well how long and eroding depression can be. Still, it's never too late to try and improve on things.

Focus on what makes you happy, and when these unhelpful thoughts or obsessions come along. Try and combat them with logic and then move on - keep busy, distract yourself, or simply enjoy yourself. It'll take practice, but it can help you to divert your attention from self-destructive obsessions.

Ed

I feel an incredible sense of relief knowing others have the same problems and have learned to cope and overcome. I’ve been seeing a therapist the past 3 months now, I’ll ask him to incorporate CBT and into our sessions and I will also not neglect self exercises too.

One of my problems is that at work (construction electrician) there is an initial period where my mind is engaged and focused, constantly planning what to do next, after that plan is made though, the process is repetitive and monotonous and I constantly fall into my thoughts. I’ve tried combatting them by humming or singing with success but I can only do that so long a period of time. Currently all my time is spent at work with very little free time to anticipate, plan or look forward too. When at home I try to do the things I like, but they to have a repetitiveness, a video game is more engaging than handsewing. I need to find new ways to divert my mind in more positive ways.

 

[DavidS]

I'm in my sixties and have never been able to really suppress obsessive thought processes. Of course I have comorbid OCD which compounds it all.

What I have been able to do over time is to learn to live my life in increments of 24 hours or less. To try as best as is possible not to look beyond the next day. Not to eliminate such behaviors, but clearly to limit them from overwhelming us at times.

Which for many of us realistically may be the best we can do under such circumstances. In my own case CBT never worked for me in dealing with my OCD.

I’m going to have try this method, mostly I catch myself falling because I look too far ahead.

 

[DavidS]

Hello. I have this issue in very unstructered friendships. It can be tough because l like to know where l am. Then the one l like accuses me of being not true in my feelings when l question if there are feelings on his side or a mask. So the cliff in rethinking this is a nano second away. But 24 hour chunks seem like a great idea. I also have a black cloud on me, and obsessing about him and me take me away about obessing over something l seem unable to control. So obsessing is unhealthy stimming and is harmful.

Anything currently can trigger my doubt and an emotional outburst, I can be fine one minute and in a rage of doubt and unfounded betrayal the next.

 

[OkRad]

It's intense energy in those synapses. The only thing I ever found helpful is do something mental that requires as much mental energy and drown out the other. It's very hard, but do-able. I never found CBT to work because if you are watching it all, it's still raging. But when you fight fire with fire, one has to give. And if you persist, the obsession kneels in defeat at least 50% of the time.

 

[Aspychata]

l find l don't have anger. Things happen life, we don't need to add anger to the mix. Maybe focusing on the thought that we deal with uncertainty and it makes me feel uncomfortable. You said you deal with anger , betrayal and uncertainty, you have nail down it, accept it, acknowledge it. Then you must release it. Right now l have huge uncertainty and l just have to take deep breaths and deal with it. Your other option is meds for anxiety.

 

[Au Naturel]

Stoicism. Once you have accepted that she might walk away and can envision how you'd survive that, there's no more to fear or obsess about.

NOT envisioning how you'd get her back or how to prevent it, which is probably your default mode, but rather how life would go on and you could still be happy.

It is closely related to Exposure and Response Prevention, an element of CBT.

"making a choice not to do a compulsive behavior once the anxiety or obsessions have been 'triggered.'"

International OCD Foundation | Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)

 

[DavidS]

Stoicism. Once you have accepted that she might walk away and can envision how you'd survive that, there's no more to fear or obsess about.

NOT envisioning how you'd get her back or how to prevent it, which is probably your default mode, but rather how life would go on and you could still be happy.

It is closely related to Exposure and Response Prevention, an element of CBT.

"making a choice not to do a compulsive behavior once the anxiety or obsessions have been 'triggered.'"

International OCD Foundation | Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)

At one time it felt that way, but instead of fighting tooth and nail to remain together like I once did, the same fear has bred a defeatism, laced with word traps and tests I set to allay my doubts. I didn’t recognize that before today. This thread and all of you are now invaluable to me. There’s a sense of release recognizing this.

 

[Aspychata]

At one time it felt that way, but instead of fighting tooth and nail to remain together like I once did, the same fear has bred a defeatism, laced with word traps and tests I set to allay my doubts. I didn’t recognize that before today. This thread and all of you are now invaluable to me. There’s a sense of release recognizing this.

Today l was in depression and obsession mode. l just rode it thru. l read your thread, that really helped me. Then l popped into normal. My problem is l push away people when stressed. So l did that again, then l felt horrible inside. So l was feeling guilty on top of everything else. l tell myself l am afraid of breaking up, so if l breakup, then l don't have to suffer. So l try too, then l realised l really don't want to breakup. Of course the other- just wonders what is going on? It's stupid of me.

 

[DavidS]

Today l was in depression and obsession mode. l just rode it thru. l read your thread, that really helped me. Then l popped into normal. My problem is l push away people when stressed. So l did that again, then l felt horrible inside. So l was feeling guilty in top of evetything else. l tell myself l am afraid of breaking up, so if l breakup, then l don't have to suffer. So l try too, then l realised l really don't want to breakup. Of course the other- just wonders what is going on? It's stupid of me.

I know exactly what you’ve felt. At one point it drove me to a dark place I never dreamed lived in me. My girlfriend was hurt and completely devastated but she pulled through. Trust in those that love you, we’re gonna make it.

 

[Fino]

Do you take any medication?

 

[DavidS]

Do you take any medication?

None

 

[Fino]

Medication helps me.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I believe in affirmations. They are like planting seeds, it takes a while to see results. It is ez to incorporate into daily exercise regimen or similar activity times.
This is just a simple statement in the present tense that indicates growth.

" i am joyous, centered and moving forward"

"I am a well liked, respected and highly favored successful man."

Work up to a big number of repititions, do it while driving, or stretching or doing dishes or walking or whatever. After the initial time investment of a few days(use a new one each day) those things you taught yourself just bubble back into consciousness. These happy thoughts break the death spiral obsessive negative echoes.
It takes time and feels silly at first, but i think of it as mental hygiene, and just push through to victory. Work up to 77 times you say it, or whatever number you like. I record the whole mess in a journal too, that helps program the mind for positivity.

 

[paloftoon]

A way to buffer an unhealthy obsession is maybe to try to find other healthy things to obsess about instead. It's hard to just simply stop cold turkey. This also doesn't sound unique to you too. Long distance relationships don't work for a lot of people because we enjoy the physical and we want to be pleasured at least reasonably occasionally. If you feel you want certain things too frequently, then finding ways to work with these desires while still keeping your morals for yourself and others is definitely a difficult task at hand. Maybe some private time for adult material would be appropriate in this case, although there could be different disadvantages for yourself to carry on in this matter too that are worth trying to look into beforehand.

 

[DavidS]

Well, at the moment everything feels shot to shreds, I feel like I’m always the one trying to open any conversation and she has no intention of being anywhere near me. I keep telling her that this only fuels the thoughts in my brain, but it’s like she doesn’t understand. I’m at a complete loss.