How to deal with people who do not fullfill promises

[Lukas]

Greetings AC,

I have a small issue with some specific people and how to mentally process their behavior. To make a long story short, I met a few folks in the area in which I reside, who seemed to be upbeat and friendly. We seem to share many interests, such as Art, Theatre, etc. and flow along the same political spectrum.

At first they were very friendly and open and suggested we hang out sometimes. They suggested that, not I. They know I am on the spectrum and seemed very interested in it stating... oh really? Your an Aspie? that is awesome!

Well I gave them my contact information, but they never ring, never followed through at all. Every time I go into their workplace, they always have excuses and insist that they will ring... blah blah blah. I usually run into them about once per month in the local library. (They work there).

Well after 18 months of waiting and hearing their promises, I am finally (at long last) accepting the fact that they are simply all talk and no action... basically, I feel deceived and cannot help but harbor a bit of animosity towards them.

Am I wrong to feel this way?
Why do people promise something having absolutely no intention of following through with it?
Am I intimidating?
How do you folks deal with such people?

As usual, I have replayed every one of our conversations over and over and over in the mind, looking for something I may have said that was inappropriate or insulting... nada. I cannot put this behind me until I process this stuff and work out the puzzle.

I get this sort of treatment quite often from many different people. Needless to say, I remain puzzled.

Thanks for reading..

 

[Grumpy Cat]

NT's do that all the time. They have good intentions maybe in the beginning and its a good way to end a conversation, but most of the time they know they won't follow through.

Example: when I was on lockdown at the college and I was scared, I made a "friend" that at that time we stuck together like glue because we were thrown together during a traumatic event. After it was over I drove her to her car and asked her if she wanted to exchange numbers so we could talk later on (I did intend on texting her about a week later). A week later I hadn't heard from her and I started coming up with reasons not to text her. Then life resumed and the time from when we met to present kept getting longer and I just let it go.

You say you still see these people, so why don't you ask them out yourself and get a definite day and time. Sometimes people just need a little "boost" to get them going.

 

[The Penguin]

This happens to me all the time. I decided to setup my own screen process when meeting new people. If they keep breaking promises, they are not showing real interest in the friendship, then I cut them out of my life. I'm not suggesting to use the same system I'm using, but learn to create a system that works for you. There is nothing wrong as well of you setting high expectations.

 

[Lukas]

You say you still see these people, so why don't you ask them out yourself and get a definite day and time. Sometimes people just need a little "boost" to get them going.

Thanks for the reply!!

I have done that every time I go to the library (roughly 8 times) this past year. I try to be as friendly as possible and make sure I don't come across as irritated. It sure would be easier for them to simply say... 'they don't have time' or maybe just the truth that they have no interest in getting to know me, instead of tagging me along like this.

I think I am not picking up the hint that they don't want to be friends but am not sure. Totally confused I am.

This happens to me all the time. I decided to setup my own screen process when meeting new people. If they keep breaking promises, they are not showing real interest in the friendship, then I cut them out of my life. I'm not suggesting to use the same system I'm using, but learn to create a system that works for you. There is nothing wrong as well of you setting high expectations.

Thanks for the reply as well!

I have actually went so far as to delete their number from my phone but feel a bit guilty about doing that. I think I need a system like you have so I can not stress over stuff like this.

 

[The Penguin]

I do the same thing. Skype, Phone number, what ever contact info I have I just delete. It annoys me seeing someone sign online every single time and they just don't talk to you. It a huge waste for my contact list

 

[Grumpy Cat]

They will never say the truth "that they don't want to get to know you" because it would be extremely rude. If you've seen them several times and they haven't mentioned going out to do something with you again, that means you'll have to make the move if its that important to you.

If you do ask and pin them down to an actual date and time and they don't show, then it means they are not interested and its probably going to be really awkward if you see them after that.

 

[King_Oni]

I guess I'd applaud you for sticking up with this for 18 months.

I've broken up contacts and friends for similar behavior and I surely didn't wait for 18 months.

Yet, on the other hand, with some people I know, I just know they're really not the type of people to take action that fast or much, yet they do however seem to be reliable when it's really important. That took me years to figure out, yet with that, they did prove themselves to be somewhat reliable in the past. If people are this unreliable from the start, I doubt I'd be friends with some people for over a decade.

 

[Vanilla]

I used to know a girl from highschool who was particularly terrible for this, but instead of making plans in person, she'd always send me a text on my phone, inviting me to have coffee and catching up, then cancelling last minute, everytime. The fact that she went out of her way to contact me puzzled me more when she'd back out of plans she herself created. Eventually I stopped replying to those texts, as it was getting ridiculous.

 

[Randomperson]

They will never say the truth "that they don't want to get to know you" because it would be extremely rude. If you've seen them several times and they haven't mentioned going out to do something with you again, that means you'll have to make the move if its that important to you.

If you do ask and pin them down to an actual date and time and they don't show, then it means they are not interested and its probably going to be really awkward if you see them after that.

How come they do not just say that in the first place? Honestly I would rather know that then put up with the run around. I can deal with people being blunt and rude, but it irritates me to no end when they act like this.

 

[Nolan1971]

It has always been a matter of true honor for me I simply will not ever make a promise
I can't keep! I prefer blunt honesty

 

[SyAn]

Hi Lukas, I think this is quite typical for an Aspie/NT interaction: the NT makes conversation, the Aspie interprets it as a promise.

Example: I used to buy biscuits when someone said they will drop by for coffee - needless to say they never did, and finally I understood and stopped buying biscuits

 

[Harrison]

Hi Lukas, I think this is quite typical for an Aspie/NT interaction: the NT makes conversation, the Aspie interprets it as a promise.

Example: I used to buy biscuits when someone said they will drop by for coffee - needless to say they never did, and finally I understood and stopped buying biscuits

I am guilty of this. An acquaintance recently said, 'Oh we should meet up for dinner sometime'. Well I've been waiting five weeks and nothing, so I've given up.

I suppose I could call her

 

[AsheSkyler]

Most people I meet are inherently champion procrastinators. Good heart, very friendly, but that procrastination... Unless I have proof otherwise, I know that if we're going to hang out and they have not yet set a date and time, I'd better do it if I want it to get done. Sometimes they honestly do have life dump a bucketload of busy-ness on them, sometimes they have a bad memory, sometimes it's just procrastination.

 

[Ylva]

Am I wrong to feel this way?
Why do people promise something having absolutely no intention of following through with it?
Am I intimidating?
How do you folks deal with such people?

You can't be wrong to feel this way or that. Your feelings reflect your values.

People promise things they have no intention of following through with because, as NurseAngela points out, they are under the misconception that doing so is polite, and that being honest is rude.

I have no idea if you are intimidating. I'm not afraid of you, but then I also always keep my promises, so I'm not sure you can compare me to those people.

Whenever I identify such a person, although I make excuses for them for a while depending on how long I've known them, I eventually just ignore them. They can go be brainwashed about manners on their own.

They will never say the truth "that they don't want to get to know you" because it would be extremely rude.

 

[Lukas]

Thank you all for your kind and very informative replies!!! I feel much better now !!!

 

[apsie]

Its a totally f***ed up social construct.
Its OK, even expected to lie.
It keeps every day social interaction superficial, which is apparently what most people want. This I can understand because it keeps expectations to a minimum.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Ugh, I've had this going on lately...with someone who has aspie traits and a diagnosed-aspie son (he doesn't know about my dx, though). And it wasn't just "we should...sometime". It was, "I'm available Thursday night. Let's get together (with his wife, too, fyi) so I can show you some songs for church next Sunday, then you can come lead worship with me next Sunday." Thursday came around, I emailed to see if we were still meeting, and turns out he had something come up but neglected to tell me.

But you know what? That's okay. Because I've figured out, from similar occurrences over the summer, that he's just wishy-washy that way. He talks big, but doesn't follow through, because he doesn't see how his words and commitments affect anyone else...that I kept Thursday evening open, on my birthday, to meet with him, just to have it cancelled at the last minute. I can see the frustration in his wife's eyes, when he talks about all of his big plans, and she already knows it never happens the way he says it will. So I realize it's nothing personal against me. The guy is just wishy washy. He doesn't fully realize it. He's not doing it on purpose. He's just too scatter-brained to know what he's committed himself to, and how other people might take his word to be trustworthy when apparently he's not making that connection himself.

I protect myself by not emotionally investing in events or people any more than necessary. It's frustrating and inconvenient when we nail down a time but then he essentially would have been a no-show if I hadn't emailed him earlier in the day. And I did end up having to fight a mood swing that day because I really was looking forward to getting to know him and his wife better and having time on the guitar together. But I can't change him. All I can do is decide whether this relationship is worth the pattern of unpredictability.

 

[Ylva]

He sounds bipolar.

 

[paloftoon]

This happens to me all the time. I decided to setup my own screen process when meeting new people. If they keep breaking promises, they are not showing real interest in the friendship, then I cut them out of my life. I'm not suggesting to use the same system I'm using, but learn to create a system that works for you. There is nothing wrong as well of you setting high expectations.

I set high expectations too, and this has worked better for me. still relatively unhappy, but at least I finally understand it's not really me and it's them. Sounds like you are in a very similar situation. Don't shut them out completely, but if you've already initiated once or twice and they don't reciprocate, then move on. Don't completely shut the door, but keep leading them on to call and keep implying that you'll believe it when it actually happens. If the conversation keeps going on with excuses, just tell them that everyone is busy and has their own issues, and if and when the time comes, you will know. Also, you can let them know that you can't wait around for things to happen and that your idea of hanging out and what a friend versus acquaintance is may be different than what they say. The real truth of the matter is, a lot of people just don't want to be open about it. So, they play all the "games", not with the intention of playing the games necessarily, but it's accepted socially. I've also been too open with certain people on and off the spectrum, and they don't take it well. I had someone try to be open with me after the fact, but I was upset and that person because he lied to me about his interests, and I was willing to work with his situations if he was willing to work with mine despite our differences in interests. One reason why many people don't have many true friends is because this is the ugly world in which we really live in.

 

[paloftoon]

I am guilty of this. An acquaintance recently said, 'Oh we should meet up for dinner sometime'. Well I've been waiting five weeks and nothing, so I've given up.

I suppose I could call her

If you're hoping for a good friendship, then yes, you should initiate SOME of the time. If after the first few times, you few no sense of reciprocation, then just stop cold turkey but leave the door open for them to reciprocate. Once they do, then you can reciprocate back. You don't need to explain. They ask or talk about meeting up, put the responsibility on them. You have my number. I already tried and haven't heard anything, and I'm not able to do that anymore because I'm getting busy. Hard to think like this, right? I hate playing this game too, but sometimes it's what we need to try to do to survive and not be taken so much advantage of.

Look elsewhere, distract yourself, do whatever it takes to keep yourself happy, but not let others walk on you as much as possible. You may feel walked over even for being the only one to initiate once or twice. It's not worth feeling like that. Just think of it as you gave it a try because you had to, and now you just must move on.