How to deal when you bore the heck out of your nt partner?

[Suzanne]

I have this situation with my husband and for once, can see his side of things, for even I can wind myself up with the same thought going through my head! My most recent intense obsession, was ebola and honestly, I learned all there is to learn about it and it became terrible for my husband! Ebola, Ebola, will you please stop talking about this blasted ebola; it is driving me insane! So I would chat to my friend about ie a female.

Now, it is aspiecentral and a similar occurrence! It just fills me with such joy, being on here that I am bursting to share that joy, but get: all I hear is apsiecentral and aspies and I am "normal" thank you; do not use NT on me!!

I do try so hard to keep myself in check, but sadly, often fail, due to excitement.

On another point, do you get animated when you watch or read something, that brings you such pleasure? I have once again, got into Anne of Green gables, and tend to say: oh no, it is this part and oh wow that is so funny and repeat what is being said. This sadly, winds hubby up and says: why on earth can you not just sit and enjoy it? Why do I have to have a bloody commentary at every stage? I do see his point actually and last night, really did my best to not get too zealous; failed in a couple of places, but it wasn't too bad. I am now reading the book!

 

[Ylva]

Just pick some other random topic to rant about? And what is a film without a commentary track.

all I hear is apsiecentral and aspies and I am "normal" thank you; do not use NT on me!!

Um, what?

 

[Progster]

Talking is a problem for me too, but in my case the problem is a lack of talking rather than talking too much. I bore people through my lack of communication rather than my excessive talking. I live in my own world in my head which doesn't include others and I spend a lot of time on my own when I'm not working. I don't want to share things with other people, neither my feelings nor my thoughts nor my special interests, I keep them to myself unless the other person has the same interest with me, in which case I will talk about it at length. I know that I'm different from most aspies in that respect as it seems that most are excessive talkers. I find talking a huge cognitive effort, and since I have a job where I have to talk a lot, afterwards I'm exhausted, I need down time and the last thing I want to do is more talking, especially in a social context.

 

[Suzanne]

Just pick some other random topic to rant about? And what is a film without a commentary track.



Um, what?

He feels to call him typical is an insult to his intelligence and I give him the impression that I am better than he is. Actually it is the opposite ie he likes to rule me and hates that I have a mind of my own.

 

[Warmheart]

The pressure to data-dump is tremendous, like a dam about to burst! I tend to keep my fervor over special interests private. When some bursts out, the struggle to contain the gushing torrents is epic. I realize that I need to regain control fast, before the listener's grossly extended torment actually makes them start envying my shutdowns.

 

[baz]

I have a similar personality to you Suzanne in that I tend to lock onto issues that I see in the news or read in the papers, and for me, I become so obsessed it's all I can think about. This behaviour of mine drives my wife crazy so much so that she has made me promise to not read or watch the news, and to instead focus on things I have the power to do something about.
Also, like you, I become very animated when something excites me, an example being how wonderful nature is in the spring when everything starts to grow again after what seems like to me to have been a bleak dreary winter.
My wife finds this sort of behaviour amusing and endearing but it's the obsessive stuff that does the damage, and I can see her frustration building and then finally exploding into a meltdown for her ( which makes a change from me and my meltdowns!)
The latest one for me is why are people killing each other all across the world, particularly when it's in the name of religion. The news always says it was four Jews or three Muslims that were killed or recently several Christians beheaded. To me these people are human beings killing fellow human beings all because they don't agree with each others beliefs. I don't understand.
In the UK when soldiers return from being blown up by mines or bombs and have lost several limbs, they are called Heroes. To me they are victims of the ******** our government fills our heads with. I see it as such a waste of life, sometimes I want to scream.
So, maybe people like us need to try and tone down our passionate feelings in respect of our partners. we can still feel the same but will have to learn to moderate our behaviour , I believe it's possible to do, as my wife is now aware of me and is able to intercept before I get too carried away.
good luck.

 

[Judge]

It's a hopeless source of frustration to me. As if it's not socially allowed to have enthusiasm or intense interest over much of anything. To the point where those closest in my tiny orbit have made it clear there are subjects they don't want to hear about from me- period. So we seem to talk less and less as time goes on.

Just another form of a "private hell" for me. At least I'm not alone here. Thank you all for that.

 

[Datura]

Hmm, when my partners get bored with me it has always been the beginning of the end for us, so I suppose I have no real advice to give. Then again, the major source of boredom seems to be my complete lack of interest in sex.

As for my interests, I generally avoid sharing because people don't want to hear it. Sometimes I will go on a rant anyway, even though I know it's like talking to a wall. Not talking about my interests has lead to an other problem where people at work grow suspicious of me because they don't know anything about me. I guess it doesn't help that I have no kids or significant other to talk about.

 

[gregmcph]

My father had that habit. He'd read about a volcano, for example, and then within days be filled with volcanic facts to be poured out at dinner, unstoppable by turning to someone else and saying "and how was your day?"

I got a reverse reaction to that. An acute fear of boring people with my crap. So I don't say enough.

 

[Cecile]

Hm, I know a few NTs who can be as intense if not more than what you describe. Some of them are artists. My Aspie ex was rather self-concious about that trait and would stop himself before it could get "too much", at least in real life... Usually the subject would be his main special interest (musical projects). He chats online with numerous people every day, I think that is how he manages it: by " dispatching" between as many "friends" as he can. (Downside of that virtual outlet: it got him in trouble with some female "friends" who thought that such chatting intensity/ frequency meant he was interested in them... )

 

[Suzanne]

My father had that habit. He'd read about a volcano, for example, and then within days be filled with volcanic facts to be poured out at dinner, unstoppable by turning to someone else and saying "and how was your day?"

I got a reverse reaction to that. An acute fear of boring people with my crap. So I don't say enough.

I am like you on this, ie acute fear of boring people and thus, do not talk about my obsessions, but I guess marriage has made me some what comfortable and so, my husband is my sounding board.

Only when someone mentions the topic I am obsessed with, I feel myself go in with a rush and think: whoa back away!

 

[Suzanne]

Hm, I know a few NTs who can be as intense if not more than what you describe. Some of them are artists. My Aspie ex was rather self-concious about that trait and would stop himself before it could get "too much", at least in real life... Usually the subject would be his main special interest (musical projects). He chats online with numerous people every day, I think that is how he manages it: by " dispatching" between as many "friends" as he can. (Downside of that virtual outlet: it got him in trouble with some female "friends" who thought that such chatting intensity/ frequency meant he was interested in them... )

I am like a torrent with my poor hubby, but others tend to be spared and you are right, nts can be just as bad and my husband is one of them! If he could, he would speak all day about eucalyptus trees and so, I use that, when he is telling me that he is bored with my obsession etc and say: well when I feel that way about your subject, you tell me I am rude for losing interest. I get a sheepish look of; ouch she is right! But due to being an aspie, I find it hard to always come out with good illustrations on the dot.

My outlet is the internet too and even there, I get my husband riled up because I will say: oh so and so said this and so and so said that and he is like: why the heck are you not married to them?!

 

[AsheSkyler]

I've gotten pretty good at watering it down for most people. I still ask my husband questions and forget that he doesn't speculate. Ever. Never ever. Ever. Very frustrating, because I like to speculate, guess, and ponder out loud.

 

[epath13]

I have this situation with my husband and for once, can see his side of things, for even I can wind myself up with the same thought going through my head! My most recent intense obsession, was ebola and honestly, I learned all there is to learn about it and it became terrible for my husband! Ebola, Ebola, will you please stop talking about this blasted ebola; it is driving me insane! So I would chat to my friend about ie a female.

Now, it is aspiecentral and a similar occurrence! It just fills me with such joy, being on here that I am bursting to share that joy, but get: all I hear is apsiecentral and aspies and I am "normal" thank you; do not use NT on me!!

I do try so hard to keep myself in check, but sadly, often fail, due to excitement.

On another point, do you get animated when you watch or read something, that brings you such pleasure? I have once again, got into Anne of Green gables, and tend to say: oh no, it is this part and oh wow that is so funny and repeat what is being said. This sadly, winds hubby up and says: why on earth can you not just sit and enjoy it? Why do I have to have a bloody commentary at every stage? I do see his point actually and last night, really did my best to not get too zealous; failed in a couple of places, but it wasn't too bad. I am now reading the book!

I think everybody has different views on how things should be said and done, I don't think it has much to do with Asperger's. I've met people who weren't on the spectrum and would go on and on about the same thing, sometimes for hours.
What concerns me is that you seem to be looking at it as if it's your fault or as if you are doing something wrong. You are just being you. Sometime it's nice to accommodate another party and do things so everyone is satisfied to some extent. But it doesn't mean a person should just stop being him/herself just for the sake of pleasing another. That's just the way I see it. I can be very expressive on one day and dead silent on the other. My husband sometimes gets annoyed with my "bitching" and making fun of celebrities or contestants in some competitions. The funny thing, he does the same thing and doesn't even notice it for me it's a release of negative emotions, I never really seriously mean what I say, just shaking the air a little I know eventually this behaviour will eliminate itself when my psyche is more balanced, it's just leftover garbage of unbalanced mind. But even if it's so, I don't look at it with guilt I look at it as being a part of my journey. I hope you can see my notion clearly, I hate being misinterpreted but it does happen sometimes. I wish you could love yourself a little more. Sometimes I see a lot of guilt in your posts. I've seen some other posts - written by other people - that brought up similar feeling. It pains me to see how such nice people appear to feel so bad about themselves.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Hmm, when my partners get bored with me it has always been the beginning of the end for us, so I suppose I have no real advice to give. Then again, the major source of boredom seems to be my complete lack of interest in sex.

As for my interests, I generally avoid sharing because people don't want to hear it. Sometimes I will go on a rant anyway, even though I know it's like talking to a wall. Not talking about my interests has lead to an other problem where people at work grow suspicious of me because they don't know anything about me. I guess it doesn't help that I have no kids or significant other to talk about.

I had to smile. Somehow I managed to have a child anyway, but I'm probably asexual by preference.

I get what you're saying about sharing. I overdo or underdo, for the same reasons. My spouse and I seem to have worked out an amicable tacit agreement that I can dive into my obsessions and he can sit in his. Apparently it's entertaining watching me decide to become a knowledgeable lay person (temporarily) in the Mayan alphabet, decoding Coptic Greek, Renaissance bookbinding, medical myths that killed royalty, and submarine warfare. It's a lot less fun having to listen to me...so I try to behave myself, with variable results.

 

[Suzanne]

I think everybody has different views on how things should be said and done, I don't think it has much to do with Asperger's. I've met people who weren't on the spectrum and would go on and on about the same thing, sometimes for hours.
What concerns me is that you seem to be looking at it as if it's your fault or as if you are doing something wrong. You are just being you. Sometime it's nice to accommodate another party and do things so everyone is satisfied to some extent. But it doesn't mean a person should just stop being him/herself just for the sake of pleasing another. That's just the way I see it. I can be very expressive on one day and dead silent on the other. My husband sometimes gets annoyed with my "bitching" and making fun of celebrities or contestants in some competitions. The funny thing, he does the same thing and doesn't even notice it for me it's a release of negative emotions, I never really seriously mean what I say, just shaking the air a little I know eventually this behaviour will eliminate itself when my psyche is more balanced, it's just leftover garbage of unbalanced mind. But even if it's so, I don't look at it with guilt I look at it as being a part of my journey. I hope you can see my notion clearly, I hate being misinterpreted but it does happen sometimes. I wish you could love yourself a little more. Sometimes I see a lot of guilt in your posts. I've seen some other posts - written by other people - that brought up similar feeling. It pains me to see how such nice people appear to feel so bad about themselves.[/QUOTE

So sorry for not responding earlier. Did read, but didn't full take in what you said. You are safe lol for I got your meaning and yes, sadly,nit is true, I do feel to blame for most things. But that is because where we live ie in France, all my "hang ups" are out and so, I feel crushed that there is very little I seem to be able to do. My husband has had to cope with my past ie sexual abuse, severe physical neglect and me being social phobic and severe anxiety, only to find that his wife is even more unsound with this autism thing and so, I spend my life trying to be a better person but at the same time, my "self" keeps appearing and struggles to be contained ie enthusiasm, animated, and we'll deep conversations. It is hard living with a man who sees that he does everything for himself and me and is very clever with words, which leaves me floundering and thinking oh if only I could be a better person.

I run in and out of feeling guilty.

 

[Greg]

For me when I get interested in something I am totally focused on it and that is all that I think about. I drive my wife nuts the way that I hyper focus.

 

[Tom]

In general, I think the special interest and obsessive approach is ok for us. Its how we do things.

The problem lies in when it imposes in some way upon your spouse/friend/stranger. Think of it reversed. If some friend started singing and it was annoying you, and you told them, wouldn't you expect them to not do it around you. If you knew it annoyed people, wouldn't you just not do it in general around people?

Now you can sometimes can get away with 'geeking out', to call it that, with another geeks. So a good rule is to geek in private or with other geeks only. In a way its like language, and your husband speaks the common NT tongue, while you are bilingual and also speak Aspie, and at times prefer it. But although you prefer it, it is counter productive to use it with your husband. You have to speak to people in the language they can understand.

 

[Datura]

Well said, Tom. You do need to be respectful of other people's boundaries, even if it is really hard sometimes. It's no fun being passionate about something and not being able to share it with the most important people in your life.

 

[Ylva]

The problem lies in when it imposes in some way upon your spouse/friend/stranger. Think of it reversed. If some friend started singing and it was annoying you, and you told them, wouldn't you expect them to not do it around you. If you knew it annoyed people, wouldn't you just not do it in general around people?

I delegate my geek-outs to my internal dialogue. Most people don't care about the things I care about, and even if I knew another aspie personally the odds they'd be interested in the same things are vanishingly small, in case anyone hasn't noticed how specific our interests can get. I know I sometimes mouth words, even in public, but there's only so much you can do to accomodate people you don't even know.