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How the heck do they do it?

Tony Ramirez

Single guy treated badly with Asperger's Syndrome
At the park, at Church anywhere I see these guys easily talk to strangers especially woman for over 20 minutes while I am lucky it lasts two minutes.

How come it's so difficult to do it without running out of things too say?
 

Suzanne

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I have asked that question all my life and the then found out it is due to aspergers. We just do not have the unwritten rule book on how to communicate with others.

I often looked at girls giggling together and so envied it, but girls being girls, no way could I go up and ask.

I discoved though, that if the person is decent and I start to feel comfortable around them, I can then actually, have a normal chat with them.

Twice now, been invited out to someone's house for a meal and the the others who were invited, were so nice, that I found it a pleasant time.

A spiritual sister/friend and my husband have taken to not telling me who is at the meal; but because they see who I get on with, and know that if I knew it was more, I would not go.
 

Kirsty

ND
V.I.P Member
At the park, at Church anywhere I see these guys easily talk to strangers especially woman for over 20 minutes while I am lucky it lasts two minutes.

How come it's so difficult to do it without running out of things too say?
I’ve always struggled with this even with people I know. Even talking to my neighbour lasted two minutes and that was a huge achievement but only because she spoke to me first. We left our properties at the same time. A letter got posted to her that had an unknown person’s name on it and wondered if I knew who’s it was. I said no, introduced myself and now we know each other’s names.
 
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Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
As you've figured out,...they don't have an autism.

So, if you want to mimic that behavior,...like so many of us have to do in social situations,...it's part of that "masking"/"camouflaging" mode we get ourselves into. I can tell you from working in a busy hospital and dealing with people professionally for as many years as I have,...it doesn't come naturally for folks like us. You have to think, observe, and reciprocate,...as you've figured out,...it can be awkward at times, but there will be times when it seems to flow with certain people.

Most people, if you give them an opportunity, will love to talk about themselves. Most people just want to be listened to. Most people have struggles, worries, anxieties. Most people have family that they love to talk about. Most people have interests, hobbies, work lives, vacations they went on or are planning. Depending upon the situation and person, you can simply tap into whatever their current life concerns are,...if you are asking appropriate questions with an open mind and expressing concern, interest, and empathy. Express interest in them, as a person, and most will open up to you. Now, if someone is not in the mood to talk and they are not reciprocating on their end, giving you short answers, acting disinterested,...you have to politely exit the interaction. On the other hand, some people will open up and talk your ear off to the point where you might want to politely exit the interaction. Pay attention to the people you wish to speak to,...eye contact, body language, voice modulation,...things that we should be paying attention to, but often don't.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
That happens with people who are interested in others, who will listen to them and actually react to the conversation. People who do this actually cultivate interests that they can use as an introduction.
 

Kirsty

ND
V.I.P Member
@Suzanne it helped me to relax a bit talking to her as I’ve observed her talk and laugh with others every now and again. She’s definitely a nice person.
 
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Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
@Tony Ramirez

NT's start developing their adult social skills in their preteen years, and keep refining them as they mature.
Extroverts (who gain energy from social interactions) get a lot of practice.

From among the people you're observing, you're selecting the ones who, by nature, inclination, and experience, have the best social skills. Even someone who knew everything about "how they do it" couldn't explain concisely it here.
There's far too much information.

You can improve your skills. You could get much better if you worked at it.
 

Outdated

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Tony, this is not intended to insult you, although I get the impression that you will probably take it as such. You seem to constantly whinge and whine but you never have anything nice or interesting to say.

If you want people to like you then you need to BE likeable.
If you want people to be interested in you then you need to BE interesting.

Do you have any hobbies? Do you ever do anything interesting? This could be part of the reason you can’t talk to people, simply because you don’t have anything to talk about.

I also noticed in your posts that you don’t seem to have any trouble talking to men. Why are women different? If you view women as some sort of different species it’s no wonder you alienate them. If you only ever try to talk to women for the purpose of getting your dick wet then it’s no wonder they want nothing to do with you.
 

Tony Ramirez

Single guy treated badly with Asperger's Syndrome
A woman I don't know came up to me for a conversation during the greetings. I think I did a good job talking to her. I did not know what to say after she talked so I asked her if she was from New York. She said she was from Michigan so we talked briefly about the weather then she said she was coming home to visit her family. I said that's nice and I hope she has a good time. She said thanks.
 

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