How frequently do you ruminate about the things you have done wrong or wish you had not done at all?

[Aspychata]

Well l use to worry a lot, like huge pots of worry. Then logic told me nothing changed, worrying really brings no relief, so l let that go. But then l started ruminating with huge boatloads of incredible amounts of backwards replaying of my pity party, table for one of why did my ex hurt me? What l have learned is that it increased my anxiety to the point that l had to release it to allow peace back into my life. So like worrying, it didn't make things better, because l couldn't figure that out.

So l may ruim here or there, l actually wonder if it's a stim at this point. We probably feel comforted somehow, but l don't see it as a healthy stim.

l am going to talk to my counsler about it. I am doing less of it. And l fall into it about every couple months but it doesn't feel good to me. So l talk myself out of it. Last nite l started to ruim but l didn't like myself, so l shut it down telling myself it is a undesirable trait.l made a conscious effort to shut it down but l ruim for about 10 mins. So you can wean yourself away but you need to want to stop.

 

[Fabulously filthy]

Every hour of every day and it mental destroys me on the daily but I deserve it so I'm not gonna do anything about it.

 

[tlc]

All. The. Time.

Sometimes hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, sometimes months. Sometimes it keeps coming back for years. It depends on what happened, how bad it was, what the effects are.

Same here. Not so much dwelling on it and trying to change it because I can't, but more like it just replaying in my head. I can't turn it off. I try to get the good experiences to overpower the bad ones, so at least if it was a good experience I can enjoy it.

 

[Frostee]

Constantly. Stay up at night.

 

[Baeraad]

I am keenly aware of every single thing I've ever done wrong. I think my way of dealing with it is half cynicism ("yeah, well, what does it even matter, in a world this messed up?") and half self-loathing ("yes, but what can you expect? I suck. Either I kill myself or I continue doing bad things, and I don't want to kill myself"). I am not at all certain that those are particularly healthy ways of dealing with it, but they're the best ones I've found so far.

 

[Progster]

I ruminate on these things all the time. I try not to dwell on painful or embarrassing memories because there really is no point or benefit to be gained from fretting over things that can't be changed, but still find myself thinking about them.

 

[Adora]

Always, I don’t know if it is a Autism thing but I also have Complex PTSD and I also experience what they call toxic shame which I carry from the traumas that I have experienced and the thoughts and memories do keep me up at night.

 

[SDRSpark]

Always, I don’t know if it is a Autism thing but I also have Complex PTSD and I also experience what they call toxic shame which I carry from the traumas that I have experienced and the thoughts and memories do keep me up at night.

I also have almost certain CPTSD (undiagnosed but my case makes it stunningly obvious).

Off to Google "toxic shame" now.

I learn so much from this forum!

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I have some things that I really regret, or wish I would've not done it or at least done it differently. They were things I did about a decade ago, but those things affect my husband's and my life till now, and maybe also in the future.

Because of what I did, my husband ends up unhappy now despite his sacrifice to move to my developing country, and i'm stuck at a job i'm really not qualified with and cant work harder to make myself qualified and which costed my husband his career.

The guilt is tremendous. The everyday unhappiness. Even though there are times we feel mildly happy, the affect of this will come haunting us again. Like when you signed a contract for money loan when you cant even afford to pay it back even in the future.

I'm not really sure how to handle this regret, since my husband is unhappy here - people here do not value him at work - maybe they're too 'stupid' to understand his greatness (lol), because what people here are valuing are not the same. Probably he will move back to his developed country, since there are people at work who value his work and his skills. And i'll be stuck here for another decade. Then what will happen to our marriage? I'm at loss.

Seeing my husband's everyday unhappiness and my own, I don't know how to handle this regret. How do you even handle it?

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Pats, you need to stop turning to guilt. I have always thought that guilt was the result of intended evil, knowingly acted upon with harmful consequences. I have trouble imagining you doing such a thing. We all make human mistakes, and I know I have made "boo boos", made an inappropriate comment, innocently, and I have wished I had been kinder or more patient in certain situations. Other people do the same, some with no remorse or concern on any level.

We forgive others more easily than we forgive ourselves. If you want to try the Catholic route, go to confession, do penance, and refrain for making the same mistakes. It's like a "guilt carwash". But a carwash only lasts so long before you need another one.

I think Wolf Prince's advice is to bring humility upon yourself, ask God for guidance and forgiveness, then pick yourself up and go about your life. Either system has its merits. It's funny that we like to count our sins, but we never count our acts of virtue.

What if what we did, affected other people for many years, and even in the future? The person ends up unhappy for long-term because of what I did. How should I handle this..?

 

[Thinx]

I don't think we are responsible for how others handle things, as adults, not that we shouldn't try to learn and progress, but they also need to do that. We can apologise for past behaviour, but then it's not helpful to dwell on it. The great thing is our ability to change, and it's not easy, so if we manage to change in positive ways, that's the important thing.

And regrets are unproductive beyond a certain extent. The person we hurt isn't helped by our regrets or depression. Rather the opposite. But we can help them if we focus on more positive ways forward. I have worked hard on negatively ruminating over many years, and learnt strategies that have worked well for me, though it's taken time. But has often been interesting and social, for example therapeutic groups and classes.

 

[paloftoon]

I'm definitely a ruminator. What helps me is to work out realistic solutions and iron out possibilities to troubling ruminations. I learn from working those things out. Usually I need closer friends to help out with this. Therapist can help, but their time with you is so limited and constrictive. Also, me trying to better myself and be better for the future and accomplishing things helps me a lot personally.

Rumination can be a healthy thing if you're learning from it and becoming a better person and doing better things from it all.

 

[Peter Morrison]

What if what we did, affected other people for many years, and even in the future? The person ends up unhappy for long-term because of what I did. How should I handle this..?

I think that the purpose behind letting these negative feelings go is to put incidents and accidents in their proper place. Mistakes happen all the time. If you are guilty of an act of evil, then there is certainly some, if not a lot of guilt. Intentional harm is not the same as accidental occurrences.

Feeling guilty is not productive and it doesn't compensate the victim for the pain they incurred. The severity of the incident is a major factor in alleviating feelings of guilt. Accidents happen, and although people feel guilty for doing something that contributed to the cause of harm, they must judge their guilt according to their intentions. Our moral codes are not the same as our legal definitions of guilt and responsibility. Moral codes can be severe. Humans experience lapses in judgement that cause problems for others. It is the willful desire to hurt that needs to be assessed. Some occurrences are out of our human control, though we may find ourselves guilty for our involvement. Each incident is subject to moral interpretation. Forgiveness and penance are the only methods I know that resemble atonement. Since I believe in God, turning to God in times of need helps me guide myself through difficult emotions. God still loves you. That love is a strength.

 

[AnnMoss]

Obsessively. If I know I had a negative impact on anyone WHATSOEVER my brain punishes me. It feels psychologically as if someone were there mercilessly whipping me over and over repeating what I "did" over and over. Sometimes when the incident first happens I feel justified with whatever I said/did and often angry about the other person's reactions, but then I feel it was entirely my responsibility for things going wrong and I am at fault. It truly doesn't matter whether or not I actually did anything wrong, the guilt and self-flagellation are there just as strong for one as the other. As with some others here I feel that is likely more due to trauma, but ASD probably exacerbates the problem. If it gets really overwhelming I take a PRN.

 

[SDRSpark]

Obsessively. If I know I had a negative impact on anyone WHATSOEVER my brain punishes me. It feels psychologically as if someone were there mercilessly whipping me over and over repeating what I "did" over and over. Sometimes when the incident first happens I feel justified with whatever I said/did and often angry about the other person's reactions, but then I feel it was entirely my responsibility for things going wrong and I am at fault. It truly doesn't matter whether or not I actually did anything wrong, the guilt and self-flagellation is there just as strong for one as the other. As with some others here I feel that is likely more due to trauma, but ASD probably exacerbates the problem. If it gets really overwhelming I take a PRN.

I have this problem. I just got out of a friendship situation that turned out to be abusive - there were so many red flags that I ignored. My friends outside of the group (one of whom is a cop with a lot of experience in bad actors as well as knowledge of the law) told me I did nothing wrong. Those people were dangerous. Several people told me that.

I still beat myself up over it. I still grieve over it. It took months for me to really interalize that it wasn't my fault. And yet, I still wish I'd responded differently (although these days, "wish I'd responded differently" means "got away sooner" not "didn't accidentally step on the land mine that I in no way planted.")

I'm really grateful for my friends who listened, and continued to beat the "you did nothing wrong" drum until I finally internalized it. I'm still upset about what happened, but for different reasons now. I'm no longer in danger of harm from these people, but I think I have a long way to go before they're really in my past.

 

[AnnMoss]

I'm so sorry you have lived through that @SDRSpark - I very much relate and appreciate you sharing. I am so glad you've survived and overcome with the help of loved ones and have healed <3

I wonder if it's easier for "our kind" to be taken advantage of by abusive people than others? I am often not a very good judge of character because "compellingly interesting puzzle-human" is usually what makes a person stand out to me, and people who are clinically narcissistic and sociopathic are often very interesting to those who don't see the red flags. There have been several people in my life that friends and family have known were not good for me, but I couldn't see that - I was too driven by fixation on human-puzzle and empathy would salve all wounds acquired even though it was to my detriment. I am better about those red flags now and just assume that anyone I am attracted to whatsoever is probably not a very healthy person.

*I should say that the people I am attracted to often do not have neurotypical emotional responses, so I have also unintentionally been drawn to autism spectrum people. The way things are spoken about is often analysis based with openness, curiosity, and good intention. I do not feel competition or hostility with them, those who may say things a little awkwardly/blunt don't do it with maliciousness. That is an incredible relief. When I look back at my life I realize many friends I had (not that I had many friends lol) had/have clear signs of ASD. Now that I am an adult I've made new friends with people who had been diagnosed and I find it so interesting we just naturally were drawn together. That's amazing for me to consider now.

I am going so off topic... sorry! I'll hush

 

[SDRSpark]

I'm so sorry you have lived through that @SDRSpark - I very much relate and appreciate you sharing. I am so glad you've survived and overcome with the help of loved ones and have healed <3

I wonder if it's easier for "our kind" to be taken advantage of by abusive people than others? I am often not a very good judge of character because "compellingly interesting puzzle-human" is usually what makes a person stand out to me, and people who are clinically narcissistic and sociopathic are often very interesting to those who don't see the red flags. There have been several people in my life that friends and family have known were not good for me, but I couldn't see that - I was too driven by fixation on human-puzzle and empathy would salve all wounds acquired even though it was to my detriment. I am better about those red flags now and just assume that anyone I am attracted to whatsoever is probably not a very healthy person.

*I should say that the people I am attracted to often do not have neurotypical emotional responses, so I have also unintentionally been drawn to autism spectrum people. The way things are spoken about is often analysis based with openness, curiosity, and good intention. I do not feel competition or hostility with them, those who may say things a little awkwardly/blunt don't do it with maliciousness. That is an incredible relief. When I look back at my life I realize many friends I had (not that I had many friends lol) had/have clear signs of ASD. Now that I am an adult I've made new friends with people who had been diagnosed and I find it so interesting we just naturally were drawn together. That's amazing for me to consider now.

I am going so off topic... sorry! I'll hush

I think you're on to something. It never occurred to me that people who are hard to figure out are a draw...but you're right, they are. But I also have a tendency to see injury before malice - so I see someone and realize they were hurt, and I want to forgive everything, because I see that they were hurt.

Too, I'm extremely open and honest. Some people are intimidated by that...especially people with something to hide. *laughs* But also, I basically tell people who are so inclined how to manipulate me. I'm really open about what makes me tick.

I don't think that is a bad trait, but I do think it means I need to be more aware and self aware so that if someone is using that trait against me I can get out of dodge.

 

[AnnMoss]

Wow, completely there with you about forgiveness, other people's pain, openness and honesty... and yes also to it making people uncomfortable. But I imagine just "normal" crappy people feel uncomfortable and not pathological ones who 1. love eating up that honesty, as you noted, in order to take advantage of others (sociopathic); or 2. are oblivious to the actions, needs, and motives of others because they are blinded by their own ego and self interest (narcissistic) and don't even notice whether or not we are giving them anything to harm us with (of course these traits can overlap).

Going to make a new topic for this elsewhere...

 

[SDRSpark]

@AnnMoss I think you're spot on - most people I've met seem to really appreciate my openness and honesty, or at least make it the butt of friendly jokes (and honestly...I'm pretty much a walking "things a small child would say" so I don't mind this at all. LOL!)

Only a few people are interested in taking advantage. But I seem to have found my fair share of them. (Growing up with a narcissistic abuser made it a lot easier for me to think that sort of behavior is normal even if I do see it, too.)

 

[Trophonius]

Every night before I got to sleep, unfortunately.

If I get tired enough during the day I fall sleep within a minute. This is what I try to do.