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How do you handle workplace bullying?

pamelaperejil

Non-player character
How should an Aspie handle workplace bullying? Assuming that ignoring it or making a complaint to the management would not help? Assuming that it's not possible to absolutely prove that the person is being targeted because of their Asperger's and not for some other (legally permissible, though thoroughly #######5 reason).

What ought a person to do in that situation, where their livelihood is threatened if they can't get it to stop? I still haven't figured it out. Like, I've tried being mature, conciliatory, and forgiving. Turning the other cheek. Only encouraged it. I tried ignoring it. Same. I've also tried asserting myself in a calm, direct way. That doesn't work, they just became more passive aggressive and avoidant. I've tried aggressive confrontation, and believe my that went spectacularly wrong.

How do you absolutely prove that someone is bullying you for one reason or another (when one reason would entitle you to legal protection against the bully and the other not?)? It strikes me that this must be nearly impossible to prove, and play to the bully's advantage. Because, failing that, you really have no hand, and all you can do is put up with it or leave, and those are both completely #######5 options.

My reaction to these type of situations has normally been to give up and go elsewhere, but with bad references it is extraordinarily hard to find something and virtually impossible to find something better than what you're leaving. So it's only a matter of time before the whole thing starts again. What should we do? Just resign ourselves to being $#%^ on because we're different? That's been my reaction, and it's brought me a little peace, though not much. What do you do?
 
Thanks.

It's more of a general question. I've been bullied in the past but not now.

I think the hidden camera think is a crime in California.
 
You don’t need a camera. You observe everything they do. Find their weak spot and the divulge it publically to others in front of them. Or look for on the job mistakes they make and report them. I was bullied a lot in school and work. A girl at school attached me along in a bathroom with 5 other girls to beat me up. I knew I’d be beat up if I fought back and beat up if I didn’t. So I acted crazy on them. People are scared of crazy. I told the head girl I’d whip her blankety blank. They replied I couldn’t beat them all. I said but I can beat a couple, which one of you want it first. The other five were wussies so they left because they were only fakers there for presence.

Another time I faced reverse discrimination by an oppressive boss. I caught him giving extra pay to a coworker his color. So I took the evidence to his boss. He threatened to kill me. So I calmed him down by making him break down all the times he thought I disrespected him for his color. He realized he had been attributing my actions to discrimination when it was really his assumptions over business matters and his inferiority fears coming into play. He walked out of the office a happy man. So i was actually able to heal him over his prejudice fears.

The other time I had workers and the boss harassing me. The boss liked to address the whole department in threat of power. She would yell I’m a (blankety blank) and proud of it! So one day she came out to flex her authority fearful statement, and I said in a low voice but loud enough for everyone and her to hear, “But only in your own mind”. She turned a million shades of red and never did it again. If you find the person’s weakest point or fear and use it on them they will run like the devil. You have to wait and watch for your opportunity a long time but it is worth it. It’s called hang them by their own rope.

A coworker harassed me and I didn’t know it but she was self conscious of her skinny legs and her pot belly. So one day she came in and I said, "Oh look! It’s big bird!" She begged me to never say that again. The harassment stopped and she never bothered me again. It seems mean. I hate to do it to them. But I’m only doing back what they did to me and it is so effective.
 
Which reminds me of another point. Sometimes they bully because they are malicious and get a thrill out of it. But sometimes they do it out of an inferiority complex. The prejudice boss was doing all his actions out of fear his authority would not be respected because of his color. He played favorites to his color also because he felt odds were against them. But after we talked it out he learned working together instead of an us versus them mentality fed by fear. The other boss was trying to use scare tactics to have obedient and hard working employees. Both we’re new and inexperienced bosses. So their bully tactics were fear based. Their choice of method was attack them before they can attack you but that kind of tactic works against them not for them because it does not instill employee loyalty.
 
Oh, evidence.... I used the office print machine to copy all their mistakes. They never knew I was doing it. I’d do it when everyone was gone to lunch or act like I had printed off something else and use a folder or prints of something else on top to hide it. You have to be a sleuth. Look around, check to see what problem other employees you might run into while on your mission. Don’t move until the coast is clear and have an alibi. That one is called CYOA Cover your own a . Make sure you do not make the same mistakes they do. Make sure you are right, just, and correct in what you are trying to prove. Then proceed.

I didn’t learn this all over night. Other people taught me some when
i’d ask and other ideas happened by mistake. Like, I had no idea the
Big Bird comment would work. I never did do great with team work type jobs, just was a survivor by not quitting. I out lived them. So any time I found a position that paid better where I worked alone, I did that. But in the end I got so wore down I ended up disabled. It wasn’t just bullying but stress of mergers, downsizing, and other stressors. But I lasted 20 years until I was fried like a crispy Cheeto. I’m still fried but i’m hoping to catch the wave of my next happy obsession if I can ever find it.
 
You might check on it, but some places allow recording as long as one person involved approves (you).

While some strategies work some of the time, there are many bullies nothing seems to work on.

Going the official route is a possibility, and is more promising if the company is large enough to move you away from the antagonist.

When push comes to shove however, an unresolved bullying situation is dangerous to your mental health (many suicides come from this), and up and leaving is the only option.
 
Last year I got fired because a guy at work was bullying ME, but the Manager stuck up for HIM.

Basically the guy kept passing comment about my weight and other issues, and one day called me a deaf C word, I'd gone up to the staff room to ask for someone to change the battery in my hearing aid, he thought I didn't hear him when he said it, but I did... By rights I should've reported him as he'd committed a "hate crime" but my Dad said not to "rock the boat" by doing so, wrong decision IMO.

Anyway one day a few weeks later I went in work, to apologise for not being able to cover an extra shift as I was off poorly, HE was on the till, looked me in the eye and said "What tha' doin' ere?", all cocky like, so I proceeded to let nearly 3 years of RAGE against this bloke boil over and let him have it, verbally.

The following week my Parents had a meeting with the Manager, and she told them based on my actions I was no longer welcome in the shop! I was literally like what the hell? HE started this!
 
Last year I got fired because a guy at work was bullying ME, but the Manager stuck up for HIM.

Basically the guy kept passing comment about my weight and other issues, and one day called me a deaf C word, I'd gone up to the staff room to ask for someone to change the battery in my hearing aid, he thought I didn't hear him when he said it, but I did... By rights I should've reported him as he'd committed a "hate crime" but my Dad said not to "rock the boat" by doing so, wrong decision IMO.

Anyway one day a few weeks later I went in work, to apologise for not being able to cover an extra shift as I was off poorly, HE was on the till, looked me in the eye and said "What tha' doin' ere?", all cocky like, so I proceeded to let nearly 3 years of RAGE against this bloke boil over and let him have it, verbally.

The following week my Parents had a meeting with the Manager, and she told them based on my actions I was no longer welcome in the shop! I was literally like what the hell? HE started this!

Typical bullying strategy and one that myself and many others have had to put up with; doing it on the sly and when they are certain others aren't looking - slowly winding you up and/or breaking you down on a mental/emotional level because they've 'sensed' that you're an easy target.
That way, you either do one of the following; become depressed and feeling worthless as a result of the bullying and not wanting to fight back, or - as you've described - you eventually lose your rag and let loose at them. If you do the second option, any credibility you had is instantly lost (regardless of everything else that's been going on unseen and/or unreported) because you've let your emotions get the best of you and the bully wins.

What's worse in your case is that you were an employee of that shop and, regardless of whether you were on duty or not, you've got to remain professional as an employee of that establishment - irrespective of what is/has been going on.
The fact you've lost your rag at this guy while he was at the till was a big mistake; there may have been other people in the store or other people nearby who may have seen and/or heard you when you ranted at this guy, which may influence whether or not they want to go into the shop again - especially if they recognize you as an employee.
On top of that, other staff members would have heard you and may have been scared/intimidated by your outburst. Finally, while the Manager will have little to nothing on the individual bullying you as bullies do it what they do om the sly, she's got clear evidence of you failing to keep your composure in front of potential customers.
As a result, her decision to sack you will have come from taking into account the safety of the other staff members and both the safety and interest of customers (for which the business relies on) who may have been put off from coming in.

Please understand I'm not picking sides; you had every right to be livid at this guy for bullying you for all that time, but I'm just trying to explain from a 'professional' standpoint as to why your manager sacked you. Ultimately, you really got gypped as you lost control of your anger and at a very bad time.
Just out of curiosity, were you making reports to your manager or other senior staff members of what this guy was saying to you?
 
Last year I got fired because a guy at work was bullying ME, but the Manager stuck up for HIM.

Basically the guy kept passing comment about my weight and other issues, and one day called me a deaf C word, I'd gone up to the staff room to ask for someone to change the battery in my hearing aid, he thought I didn't hear him when he said it, but I did... By rights I should've reported him as he'd committed a "hate crime" but my Dad said not to "rock the boat" by doing so, wrong decision IMO.

Anyway one day a few weeks later I went in work, to apologise for not being able to cover an extra shift as I was off poorly, HE was on the till, looked me in the eye and said "What tha' doin' ere?", all cocky like, so I proceeded to let nearly 3 years of RAGE against this bloke boil over and let him have it, verbally.

The following week my Parents had a meeting with the Manager, and she told them based on my actions I was no longer welcome in the shop! I was literally like what the hell? HE started this!

Looks like a painful lesson to learn about being a volunteer as opposed to an employee.

While an employer has legal and contractual obligations to their employees, they are unlikely to have anything remotely close to that of volunteers. That even if you had signed a non-compulsory volunteer agreement with this firm, you would have still come up short compared to the rights of that employee.

It appears that you must be on your very best behavior at all times as a volunteer, no matter how you are treated by formal employees. A tall order for most anyone I'd think.

In terms of alleged hate crimes, under your country's law (Criminal Justice Act 2003) a court would have had to determine if whether or not a crime took place over something reflecting hostility towards persons who have a disability or a particular disability. However without any witnesses it would likely come down to your word against his, assuming he'd deny he said as much.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hate_crime#United_Kingdom

https://www.gov.uk/volunteering/volunteers-rights
 
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Typical bullying strategy and one that myself and many others have had to put up with; doing it on the sly and when they are certain others aren't looking - slowly winding you up and/or breaking you down on a mental/emotional level because they've 'sensed' that you're an easy target.
That way, you either do one of the following; become depressed and feeling worthless as a result of the bullying and not wanting to fight back, or - as you've described - you eventually lose your rag and let loose at them. If you do the second option, any credibility you had is instantly lost (regardless of everything else that's been going on unseen and/or unreported) because you've let your emotions get the best of you and the bully wins.

What's worse in your case is that you were an employee of that shop and, regardless of whether you were on duty or not, you've got to remain professional as an employee of that establishment - irrespective of what is/has been going on.
The fact you've lost your rag at this guy while he was at the till was a big mistake; there may have been other people in the store or other people nearby who may have seen and/or heard you when you ranted at this guy, which may influence whether or not they want to go into the shop again - especially if they recognize you as an employee.
On top of that, other staff members would have heard you and may have been scared/intimidated by your outburst. Finally, while the Manager will have little to nothing on the individual bullying you as bullies do it what they do om the sly, she's got clear evidence of you failing to keep your composure in front of potential customers.
As a result, her decision to sack you will have come from taking into account the safety of the other staff members and both the safety and interest of customers (for which the business relies on) who may have been put off from coming in.

Please understand I'm not picking sides; you had every right to be livid at this guy for bullying you for all that time, but I'm just trying to explain from a 'professional' standpoint as to why your manager sacked you. Ultimately, you really got gypped as you lost control of your anger and at a very bad time.
Just out of curiosity, were you making reports to your manager or other senior staff members of what this guy was saying to you?

I said:
By rights I should've reported him but I was advised not to...
.
 
One bit of advice when it comes to choosing to "unload" on a fellow employee. Do it in private- never in public. When you can get your point across without fear of formal retaliation by an employer.

Otherwise you're just risking witnesses who can enable your facing disciplinary action or even termination.
 
One bit of advice when it comes to choosing to "unload" on a fellow employee. Do it in private- never in public. When you can get your point across without fear of formal retaliation by an employer.

Otherwise you're just risking witnesses who can enable your facing disciplinary action or even termination.

To be honest I was on the verge of quitting anyway, because HE was seriously doing my head in and I knew that even if I had made a thing of it to the Manager, knowing Gemma she'd have stuck up for HIM over me and I would've got the chop anyway so I was damned either way.
 
To be honest I was on the verge of quitting anyway, because HE was seriously doing my head in and I knew that even if I had made a thing of it to the Manager, knowing Gemma she'd have stuck up for HIM over me and I would've got the chop anyway so I was damned either way.

Agreed, though in that instance IMO you had nothing to lose had you reported him. Don't let anyone in the workplace disparage you publicly over your disabilities. I believe you were within your rights to argue that point in a very formal manner.

Yes, it would have been his word against yours, but at least you'd have the satisfaction of knowing that the employee was put "on the radar" of the authorities over the conduct of their employee. Whether as a formal matter of record or not.

I suspect Britain has some very strict laws about recording multiple-party conversations. (It's complicated in the US- on a state-by-state basis.) But it wouldn't stop me from considering having done so without anyone's knowledge. I even used to routinely photocopy documents involving instructions from my superiors that I suspected were incompetent.

Lots of things to do in protecting one's self in the workplace. Always under the assumption that if you don't look out for yourself, don't expect anyone else to.
 
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Who advised you not to report him? That sounds more than a tad conspicuous.
At my workplace we are expected to report if we've had issues with other staff members and I've witnessed a few times when it's happened; meetings occur afterwards and the issues are dealt with.

Taking into account what Judge has just wrote, I agree; he would at the very least be put 'on the radar' as another staff member has made a complaint about him.
If it was one of the senior staff members telling you not to make reports, then it was probably a good thing for you to get out of that job as that sounds rather dodgy to me.
 
Who advised you not to report him? That sounds more than a tad conspicuous.
At my workplace we are expected to report if we've had issues with other staff members and I've witnessed a few times when it's happened; meetings occur afterwards and the issues are dealt with.

Taking into account what Judge has just wrote, I agree; he would at the very least be put 'on the radar' as another staff member has made a complaint about him.
If it was one of the senior staff members telling you not to make reports, then it was probably a good thing for you to get out of that job as that sounds rather dodgy to me.

My Dad said not to "rock the boat" and make an atmosphere at work by making a thing of it.

I didn't agree, as IMO the guy had committed a "hate crime" and should've been strung up for it, but I didn't say anything.
 
My Dad said not to "rock the boat" and make an atmosphere at work by making a thing of it.

I didn't agree, as IMO the guy had committed a "hate crime" and should've been strung up for it, but I didn't say anything.

Under the law with his word against yours, most likely nothing would have happened other than to account for "an incident" occurring. In that instance, your father's reasoning was correct.

Never the less, for anyone to disparage you based only on your disabilities you are entitled to report it, whether it materialized into a crime against the employee or not. As a paid employee without witnesses I wouldn't have reported it. But as a volunteer where you know you are "the fall guy" yeah- report it. ;)
 
My Dad said not to "rock the boat" and make an atmosphere at work by making a thing of it.

I didn't agree, as IMO the guy had committed a "hate crime" and should've been strung up for it, but I didn't say anything.

Has anyone also told you to "choose your battles" or something of the sort? If you're looking for someone to hang for a "hate crime" as you define it, try looking up some actual cases and see what that entails first.

Note that I'm only saying this as I've been there and done that, and it rarely goes over well. No hate crimes in the process, but it still didn't go over well. Children can be afforded the luxury of getting away with it; grown adults who are expected to do better are a different matter altogether. It's not worth the complications you'll inevitably get yourself and the other party into.
 

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