I studied Karate for almost a decade and I'm still as assertive as a wet noodle!
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How do you advocate for yourself?
- Thread starter Nervous Rex
- Start date
I studied Karate for almost a decade and I'm still as assertive as a wet noodle!
JDShredds
Well-Known Member
I'm not sure I can give advice on how to stand up for yourself, as my approach to conflict is a bit different, though not entirely.
With people I'm comfortable with (family, closer friends, etc), I'm actually very disagreeable. The first to speak up/say no/won't easily do what the group wants if its not inline with what I think should be done. I was disobedient in school, not out of bad attitude, but out of not giving a crap what people thought (including "authority figures") - if I thought something was stupid or redundant, I'd openly point it out and not do it.
In my life since, though, its more complicated. I learned I couldn't just go along saying no and having my way - particularly because I tried being a leader and nobody would follow. So I did the next best thing: I bit my lip and isolated myself.
Like I said, not exactly in a place to give advice. I don't even have a "work place" so I can't speak to those dynamics.
With all that said, there are certain situations in my life where it leads to the same place you described: it bottling up and then absolutely losing it.
If I were to try giving you advice, its to speak your truth. Be honest, even if its not a comfortable thing to do. Being honest upfront, which includes what YOU need as a person (standing up for yourself), can sometimes feel clumsy in the moment but can prevent the catastrophic consequences of neglect, resentment and repressed anger. Its better to be clumsily honest and up front than to bottle it up and burn the place down like the stapler guy in Office Space.
With people I'm comfortable with (family, closer friends, etc), I'm actually very disagreeable. The first to speak up/say no/won't easily do what the group wants if its not inline with what I think should be done. I was disobedient in school, not out of bad attitude, but out of not giving a crap what people thought (including "authority figures") - if I thought something was stupid or redundant, I'd openly point it out and not do it.
In my life since, though, its more complicated. I learned I couldn't just go along saying no and having my way - particularly because I tried being a leader and nobody would follow. So I did the next best thing: I bit my lip and isolated myself.
Like I said, not exactly in a place to give advice. I don't even have a "work place" so I can't speak to those dynamics.
With all that said, there are certain situations in my life where it leads to the same place you described: it bottling up and then absolutely losing it.
If I were to try giving you advice, its to speak your truth. Be honest, even if its not a comfortable thing to do. Being honest upfront, which includes what YOU need as a person (standing up for yourself), can sometimes feel clumsy in the moment but can prevent the catastrophic consequences of neglect, resentment and repressed anger. Its better to be clumsily honest and up front than to bottle it up and burn the place down like the stapler guy in Office Space.
Today was upsetting because l am working hard, and some idiot guy is wasting my time trying to talk to me about nothing, l am working super hard, and this idiot thinks l am just hanging out, l was very frustrated. l told him l am busy, but l still am thinking what a creep, l don't bother you at your job, why are u wasting my time? Is this a normal reaction or a Aspie thing? l have no idea. l will report him if he continues, because it's ongoing, he is always trying to talk to me, and our work paths do not cross. l am starting to get upset, l may need to sit him down with a supervisor and address his inconsiderate ways.
Omg, this happens every day to me at work with custommers. Some think Im some chatterbot, some guy hit on me and said hes everywhere on tv and popular and lies, when i told him to stop wasting my time if he isnt buying. He also yelled 'peace' and said hes friends or something with priests or helping a certain priest and thus, he isnt a pervert.
At some point i was like 'are you going to buy?' he pretended 3 times he didn't get what i said, and when he answered 'no' i told him to gather stuff and prepare [for going to hell, i mean leaving the store]
I can't stand up for myself when ppl say rude things about me especially in the store but I would just ignore it anyway cause in the moment I never know what to respond just think the person is an idiot. Then sometimes my jaws lock up when that happens and I automatically cant react, and get somewhat frustrated deep down. I think ive done it too much by this point its like second nature.
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Thank you, l really apprciated your input. My personal idiot is a co-worker who is older, and has worked there a long time, he should know better, my place doesnt tolerate any type of harrassment.
<3
Im alone in the store and have no door, i work in a. mall. I always worry about people who are aggressive or carbonated like soda.
Had a drunkard recently but luckily 0there was a guard from another place around and it was the shift so i wasnt alone. He got mad and was hanging on shelves we were afraid he would drag something down or break the shelves. 00he0 was asking for meds for feeling better but had the bottle under arm. >.>
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My new problem is that l realised l have a delayed reaction and then l go home and feel frustrated after work. In a perfect world, l would grab a spray gun and spray "leave me alone". Maybe all the graffiti artists whose work l saw on buildings, sidewalks are just emotionally repressed people in LA. l would go out and see graffiti on trash, palm trees, everywhere. l think it's called tagging when its gang related.
The funny thing is, l really don't have anger, more frustration. l let loose so much anger in my horrible marriage, and absolutely nothing good came out of it, so l feel anger is over-rated, haha
I suppose I'm like the rest of my family in this case, jumping between fight and flight responses without a grey area in-between. From one extreme to the other, either an extreme flight reaction like the one when I up and left everything behind - my city, my country, my family, my belongings - or the fight response like the times I used to fight aggressively with both strangers and family members. For a few years I've been in mostly half-scared, half-apathetic state where the only thing I would do was to run away from problems and this kind of coping mechanism does not advertise standing up for yourself. Then, it was just complete apathy and going with the flow, once again no fighting for yourself. I gave up.
I'm learning to fight for myself now, against other people and my own self-destructive habits, but it feels like a pointless, loosing battle most of the time, to be honest. I would like to just rest instead.
Anyway, for now any conflicts cause my brain to freeze. In the past, my first response would be to look either condescending or intimidating and to lash out either verbally or physically. Now, I just look like a rabbit caught in a headlight. Embarassing.
I'm learning to fight for myself now, against other people and my own self-destructive habits, but it feels like a pointless, loosing battle most of the time, to be honest. I would like to just rest instead.
Anyway, for now any conflicts cause my brain to freeze. In the past, my first response would be to look either condescending or intimidating and to lash out either verbally or physically. Now, I just look like a rabbit caught in a headlight. Embarassing.
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Could I recommend not dressing up as a rabbit?
l like rabbits, they seem laid back, always noshing, smelling flowers, and hopping around with not a care in the world. They don't get into rabbit fights, and they don't eat meat. If you wish to put your rabbit suit on, l say hop right to that.
.
.
I'll make sure to leave my rabbit ears at home next time
please read my rabbit responseabove, happy hopping
JDShredds
Well-Known Member
Anyway!Why you ruining everyone's dreams?
@Gritches would no doubt have a strongly worded reply, I'm certain.
I am wont to believe that rabbits are highly enlightened beings, and that the evidence for such is self-evident.
Interesting thread going on here. As a kid I was teased lot by my peers and didn't have any real friends until 11th grade. I had no idea how to stand up for myself. Hadn't really thought about it until I read this- I think maybe doing civil rights work in the 60s helped me learn to stand up for others and consequently for myself more. I wasn't scared to stand up for others, just for myself. Now I am old enough that I can assert myself if I need to but generally try not to have to. You all are very much more self aware than I am regarding this and that's admirable. I think the martial arts thing makes eminent sense.
Gracey
Well-Known Member
I was brought up to “hit ‘em back”
Which paved the way for just ‘hit them’
When I realised I couldn’t just react physically, I tried my best to ‘use my words’ instead,
“Who the **** d’yer think you’re talking to like that, !!?
Wasn’t correct either,
I’ve worked in places where some of the customers have been up in my face, ranting and ‘pointing’ in rhythm to their own words in a threatening way.
(What is that ‘pointing’ thing? What’s that all about?)
Way passed Tai chi and breathing exercises, mantras and visualising tranquil scenes.
One of the only things that stopped me from stepping over a line (there was no way back from) with those customers,
Was knowing I couldn’t handle being someone’s ’b1tch’ if I went to prison.
It’s a really calming deterrent
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"expressing surprise, anger, or affirmation."
How the heck can a word have the possibility of expressing three entirely different things? How do I know which the word "hopefully" elicited!?
How about Gadzooks? An exclamation of surprise or annoyance.
I like to state facts with a calm, pleasant expression. If their response does not address the facts I have laid out, I lay them out again. Still with the calm, quiet, "deadpan" as we say in comedy, a straight face.
You are keeping your cool and being reasonable, your face and voice is "saying."
I also like:
"But that's not true."
"I didn't do that because it doesn't work."
"I was told to do this by X and X will have to change those instructions."
"That would mean I would do my job badly. I try not to do that." (There might be a little bitty bit of fire shooting from my eyes if I have to say that.
)Bullies work with gaslighting and suggestion. As sweet people who have a good work ethic, we look like a big target. We care, and we have usually trained ourselves to respond to others in a work situation in certain ways. They count on that, and manipulate that.
I refuse to be manipulated, no matter what my brain and temper are seething about with the rudeness and the implication that I am less than I am. What gets us is their blatant disregard for the facts and for good work! Remember that they do this on purpose. Competence is their enemy, because they usually have none.
Good work is our shield and truth is our sword.
They are trying to pull us into their condescension and rudeness and implications and insults. We don't play. We stay on the sane side of the room, and get more and more patient, puzzled, even concerned, that they seem to be having some kind of mental breakdown by giving us a hard time over the GOOD work we do for the company. If they persist, I give them an expression which says they have turned into a child having a tantrum, and even say things like "Maybe you should take a break. Get some water, sit down and take deep breaths. You'll feel better."
They hate that! They will go away. We have become a hard target, and they want easy ones.
Also, if we always stop at the "You have suddenly turned into a raving toddler and I am concerned" stage, we can never go too far. We can even respond, if asked, and say to people "They seemed to lose their rational thoughts there," or the like, because they were a spiteful toddler, and they weren't using rational thoughts. So we were concerned and worried.
We can even say, "That is just not appropriate behavior for the office." And it's true!
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