How do I stop masking all the time?

[Foggy]

I've been masking for years. I grew up knowing I was different, "weird," and that I had to hide it at all costs. I hid my stimming, my sensory issues, my differences in thinking, my executive dysfunction. I forced myself to make eye contact, to talk when I didn't want to, to hide my special interests. I learned from my best friend in middle/high school how to communicate as best I could and I pretended I was just a little quirky. My parents never noticed anything was wrong, besides that i was "shy" and "anxious" (which Yeah, I guess I was). My brother has autism as well, with higher support needs and I guess they never suspected anything would be wrong with their AFAB child who appeared... normal. But as I've gotten into adulthood, I'm finding that I'm barely hanging on. I'm clinging to a self that doesn't really exist. I am not neurotypical, no matter how much I may pretend to be. And I'm finding that this pretending is detrimental to my self. Forcing myself to be who I'm not is hurting me. I'm burnt out.

I feel like... well, I know that in order to heal from this burn out, I need to let myself be myself. I need to let myself exhibit autistic behaviors. But I am so set in my ways, I'm so used to masking, and the hardest part, is that those around me know me as this "neurotypical" person. I only show my "true self" around my closest friends. My family, who I live with, doesn't see that side of me. If I start visibly stimming, avoiding eye contact, going nonverbal, etc etc they're going to think i'm... being weird, to put it bluntly. Or rude. And I don't want them to think that of me. I am truly an anxious person, and I am always so afraid of what other people think. I know I shouldn't be, but I worry. But I also know that I can't keep doing this. I can't keep pretending. I need... support. I need accommodations. I need understanding. And I need to be able to act in ways that are comfortable to me. Because what I'm doing is not comfortable. It is highly uncomfortable and I hate it.

I don't really know how to proceed. I've already had several breakdowns this summer. I'm at the end of my rope. I can't keep masking 24/7, it's not sustainable. I've maintained it for over 20 years (on and off) but I need the constant pretending to stop. What can I do? Should I talk to my family members and explain that I'm about to start acting different? I have no idea.

Thank you for any input. I appreciate it.

 

[AutistAcolyte]

Hi Foggy,
I've been asking myself a similar question and, to put it simply, i havent found an easy answer.

I don't know that there is one quick trick to stop masking. Last night i went to see a small band play music at a bar with some friends and i dont know if they thought i was behaving oddly (nobody said anything to me) it was the first time i let myself be "uncomfortable the other way" and stopped masking. I let myself stand near my friends while they talked and i looked at the ceiling, which was covered in little bits of something reflective and was very entertaining. The music was loud, but i liked the sound, so i listened with my eyes closed when it got to be too much. Afterwards while everyone was talking, i stood nearby, but out of the way where nobody would go behind me and rocked and watched the disco ball and looked at all the decorations while i hummed. I think i felt comfortable letting myself be a little more me because it was a dark, loud bar and it felt like nobody was really paying attention to me. Whatever it was, it was a nice evening.

Maybe i would suggest finding a place where you can let your guard down and see how it feels!
Good luck!

 

[Foggy]

Hi Foggy,
I've been asking myself a similar question and, to put it simply, i havent found an easy answer.

I don't know that there is one quick trick to stop masking. Last noght i went to see a small band play music at a bar with some friends and i dont know if they thought i was behaving oddly (nobody said anything to me) it was the first time i let myself be uncomfortable in the opposite direction and stopped masking. I let myself stand near my friends while they talked and i looked at the ceiling, which was covered in little bits of something reflective and was very entertaining. The music was loud, but i liked it, so i listened with my eyes closed when it got to be too much. Afterwards while everyone was talking, i stood nearby, but out of the way where nobody would go behind me and rocked and watched the disco ball and looked at all the decorations while i hummed. I think i felt comfortable letting myself be a little more me because it was a dark, loud bar and nobody was really paying that much attention. Whatever it was, it was a nice evening.

Maybe i would suggest finding a place where you can let your guard down and see how it feels!
Good luck!

I'm glad you had a nice evening! It sounds like it was nice. I like disco balls.

For sure there's no easy answer. I like your idea of finding a safe place to let my guard down. I will try and think about where I feel most safe. Thank you!

 

[Atrapa Almas]

You can try to slowly peel the mask so your mask will be little by little more similar to you.

As an example, a person who would like to eat alone but is eating with coworkers every day could start peeling his mask by taking one day to eat alone. The excuse the first day could be I feel a bit worried about some discussion I had and I want to eat alone today. The next day could be like, as an introvert Im going to charge my batteries by eating alone today. And slowly people will understand that I want to eat alone most days because its relaxing for me.

We tend to go for the all or nothing, but on this matter I would move slowly so people arround you wont feel deceived. They need to see your transformation into your almost true self.

Some masking will still be neccesary, but fortunatelly people (in many countries) is more tolerant now than years ago.

Best of luck.

 

[Foggy]

You can try to slowly peel the mask so your mask will be little by little more similar to you.

As an example, a person who would like to eat alone but is eating with coworkers every day could start peeling his mask by taking one day to eat alone. The excuse the first day could be I feel a bit worried about some discussion I had and I want to eat alone today. The next day could be like, as an introvert Im going to charge my batteries by eating alone today. And slowly people will understand that I want to eat alone most days because its relaxing for me.

We tend to go for the all or nothing, but on this matter I would move slowly so people arround you wont feel deceived. They need to see your transformation into your almost true self.

Some masking will still be neccesary, but fortunatelly people (in many countries) is more tolerant now than years ago.

Best of luck.

That's a great idea. I will work on slowly peeling back the mask. Thank you.

 

[Raggamuffin]

There's a book I'm reading called Unmasking Autism - The Power of Embracing Our Hidden Neurodiversity.

It's taken me a long time to finally be a regular reader. In the past I used to manage a page or 2 before I zoned out. But now I'm reading daily and a lot more pages than I used to be able to.

Anyway, it's a decent book. There's many others out there, all full of information that can help you gain an understanding.

Ed

 

[GypsyMoth]

I've been masking for years. I grew up knowing I was different, "weird," and that I had to hide it at all costs. I hid my stimming, my sensory issues, my differences in thinking, my executive dysfunction. I forced myself to make eye contact, to talk when I didn't want to, to hide my special interests. I learned from my best friend in middle/high school how to communicate as best I could and I pretended I was just a little quirky. My parents never noticed anything was wrong, besides that i was "shy" and "anxious" (which Yeah, I guess I was). My brother has autism as well, with higher support needs and I guess they never suspected anything would be wrong with their AFAB child who appeared... normal. But as I've gotten into adulthood, I'm finding that I'm barely hanging on. I'm clinging to a self that doesn't really exist. I am not neurotypical, no matter how much I may pretend to be. And I'm finding that this pretending is detrimental to my self. Forcing myself to be who I'm not is hurting me. I'm burnt out.

I feel like... well, I know that in order to heal from this burn out, I need to let myself be myself. I need to let myself exhibit autistic behaviors. But I am so set in my ways, I'm so used to masking, and the hardest part, is that those around me know me as this "neurotypical" person. I only show my "true self" around my closest friends. My family, who I live with, doesn't see that side of me. If I start visibly stimming, avoiding eye contact, going nonverbal, etc etc they're going to think i'm... being weird, to put it bluntly. Or rude. And I don't want them to think that of me. I am truly an anxious person, and I am always so afraid of what other people think. I know I shouldn't be, but I worry. But I also know that I can't keep doing this. I can't keep pretending. I need... support. I need accommodations. I need understanding. And I need to be able to act in ways that are comfortable to me. Because what I'm doing is not comfortable. It is highly uncomfortable and I hate it.

I don't really know how to proceed. I've already had several breakdowns this summer. I'm at the end of my rope. I can't keep masking 24/7, it's not sustainable. I've maintained it for over 20 years (on and off) but I need the constant pretending to stop. What can I do? Should I talk to my family members and explain that I'm about to start acting different? I have no idea.

Thank you for any input. I appreciate it.

Hi @Foggy, first, I'm not an ND, just some traits, so take this as you see fit. For myself, those traits become markedly noticeable when I'm upset. It doesn't happen a lot. When it does, I can talk about some things but I can't seem to spit out anything relevant to the situation. Actually, it takes a tremendous amount of effort to keep talking and to stay present in such a situation. As soon as I am able to remove myself from the situation, I do. It turns out I mask very well--much better than the average ND--so I think what the other person must see is that they've not only won the situation but that I must in be in agreement since I'm no longer responding. Meanwhile, I'm thinking they haven't listened to a word I've said, and that I have no recourse but to go along with whatever. It makes me feel very helpless, although that's not something I'm able to articulate when upset because I know it will only cause more problems, and when I get to that point, I really can't handle much else. Although I somehow do. Even so, it helps me in knowing what my limits are and in trying to avoid hitting those limits. Maybe this is something you could try, to reflect on where your limits are and what happens as you near that limit. Is there a pattern of increasing anxiety you can recognize, or any other pattern that heightens your discomfort level? If you can identify these things, you might be able to put a stop to them (i.e., break the pattern) so that 1. you're not having to pretend and 2. you are able to remove yourself from the situation.

I want to suggest--and I expect this will be highly contestable here--that in allowing yourself to fully unmask, you may inadvertently cause a different set of troubles than the ones you are used to coping with. Sorry to be a pessimist. In a recent situation where I found I just couldn't spit anything out, the quick-witted comeback was that my silence was condemning. I already felt as awful as a person could feel. If I could have said anything, I would have. But my silence made the situation worse. (No harm no foul, it was just a regular sort of family argument.) It's not something I can mask.

It may be helpful to ask the person you trust most in your family if they would sit down with you so that you may freely talk about your concerns just as you've shared here. I used the word trust intentionally here, because if you think they won't listen to you openly, then odds are likely that you won't share what you've been feeling as openly as you would like. From there they could work with you to help you decide who else to tell next, and consult with them on whether it would be advisable to seek more skilled help in dealing with the burnout and your concerns about letting stimming behaviors show. My guess is, depending on your relationship with your family, and if you still live with your family, should you just drop your mask right away they will likely see it as some sort of call for help and arrange for therapy. I don't see that scenario as a good one. But if the first scenario were to also culminate in therapy, in that scenario it would be you seeking out coping skills for dealing with burnout. It is a much more proactive, much more responsibly minded move than waiting for family to realize something's different about their Foggy.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. Grammarly is giving me a worried/sad face regarding the tone, so maybe it is not.

 

[Foggy]

There's a book I'm reading called Unmasking Autism - The Power of Embracing Our Hidden Neurodiversity.

It's taken me a long time to finally be a regular reader. In the past I used to manage a page or 2 before I zoned out. But now I'm reading daily and a lot more pages than I used to be able to.

Anyway, it's a decent book. There's many others out there, all full of information that can help you gain an understanding.

Ed

Oh, that sounds like a good book! Thank you for the rec. I will check it out! I used to be an avid reader, but now I struggle to read. I am trying to pick it up again. Thank you.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Foggy

I'm older than you, so I've been masking a lot longer. At a certain point I found it wasn't difficult to "fool" everyone without using up too much mental energy.

From there, I've been in a "place" that you haven't experienced. Note that is is entirely self-taught, so of course it's idiosyncratic. I have no idea if it could help others.

I've described some effects of this below. Of possible direct relevance to you: I'd have started doing some of these things a lot earlier if I know it was possible. In particular I'd have been much more structured in how I taught myself to handle NTs.

OFC neither "Aspie" nor "ND" were a thing when I started: "Autism" was used for ASD 3 at that time and place.

Back on topic:
After my "breakthrough", some things changed a little, and I learned some new things. This includes some of the things I'd have started much earlier if I knew how:
1. I changed some external behaviors. One is that I "tactically" tell some NT's I'll have a lot of contact with that I'm an Aspie. This is not exactly masking but it's close, and has to be done correctly - but the effect is reversing some of the responsibility of accommodating to my being ND.
2. Since I had more "spare energy" while among NTs:
2a. I started "testing" myself:
2a1. How many NT's can I socialize with until it's too many to keep track of all of them?
2a2. How long can I last in different situations before I need to disengage, and what are the internal signals (so I can disengage in good time)
2a3. How well can I deal with "difficult" (but known) emotionally-fogged NT behaviors?
2a4. What's new to me that might be dealt with, or that I'm I not handling well?
2b. I started actively experimenting. This has been surprisingly useful: I pick one thing at a time until it becomes automatic (i.e. uses relatively little mental energy). This reduces the amount of work it takes to mask, so it contributes to my "simultaneous processing" ability and endurance

I still have a long way to go BTW. In particular I'm a "chatty Aspie" (I think it's somewhat related to "stimming"), and I have difficulty with something that should be simple - knowing when to stop talking /lol.
With colleagues, at the same time as I tell them I'm an Aspie I explain they they should interrupt and shut me up if they feel like it. This is hard for the locals (non-interrupting culture) but it definitely helps.

The point of the preceding paragraph is that in certain circumstances, I can get people used to certain parts of my divergent behavior. YMMV of course - it wouldn't surprise me if this entire post was useless to anyone else. But for me it's been very effective.

 

[Foggy]

Hi @Foggy, first, I'm not an ND, just some traits, so take this as you see fit. For myself, those traits become markedly noticeable when I'm upset. It doesn't happen a lot. When it does, I can talk about some things but I can't seem to spit out anything relevant to the situation. Actually, it takes a tremendous amount of effort to keep talking and to stay present in such a situation. As soon as I am able to remove myself from the situation, I do. It turns out I mask very well--much better than the average ND--so I think what the other person must see is that they've not only won the situation but that I must in be in agreement since I'm no longer responding. Meanwhile, I'm thinking they haven't listened to a word I've said, and that I have no recourse but to go along with whatever. It makes me feel very helpless, although that's not something I'm able to articulate when upset because I know it will only cause more problems, and when I get to that point, I really can't handle much else. Although I somehow do. Even so, it helps me in knowing what my limits are and in trying to avoid hitting those limits. Maybe this is something you could try, to reflect on where your limits are and what happens as you near that limit. Is there a pattern of increasing anxiety you can recognize, or any other pattern that heightens your discomfort level? If you can identify these things, you might be able to put a stop to them (i.e., break the pattern) so that 1. you're not having to pretend and 2. you are able to remove yourself from the situation.

I want to suggest--and I expect this will be highly contestable here--that in allowing yourself to fully unmask, you may inadvertently cause a different set of troubles than the ones you are used to coping with. Sorry to be a pessimist. In a recent situation where I found I just couldn't spit anything out, the quick-witted comeback was that my silence was condemning. I already felt as awful as a person could feel. If I could have said anything, I would have. But my silence made the situation worse. (No harm no foul, it was just a regular sort of family argument.) It's not something I can mask.

It may be helpful to ask the person you trust most in your family if they would sit down with you so that you may freely talk about your concerns just as you've shared here. I used the word trust intentionally here, because if you think they won't listen to you openly, then odds are likely that you won't share what you've been feeling as openly as you would like. From there they could work with you to help you decide who else to tell next, and consult with them on whether it would be advisable to seek more skilled help in dealing with the burnout and your concerns about letting stimming behaviors show. My guess is, depending on your relationship with your family, and if you still live with your family, should you just drop your mask right away they will likely see it as some sort of call for help and arrange for therapy. I don't see that scenario as a good one. But if the first scenario were to also culminate in therapy, in that scenario it would be you seeking out coping skills for dealing with burnout. It is a much more proactive, much more responsibly minded move than waiting for family to realize something's different about their Foggy.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. Grammarly is giving me a worried/sad face regarding the tone, so maybe it is not.

Hi GypsyMoth! Thank you so much for your detailed response. I appreciate your input. I think you have a good point in that fully unmasking, especially suddenly, could potentially bring problems. However, it is also true that I am causing myself damage by masking so much. Damage to my psyche, and at some times physical harm if I get to the point of stress induced self injurious behavior. I am not mad btw, and I appreciate your point, it is definitely something to consider. I am simply reiterating why I want to unmask as fully and as best as I can. I think your idea of talking to a trusted family member is a great one. I will talk to my sister soon. I need to figure out what I'm going to say. A proactive approach would be a good one! Thank you again.

 

[Foggy]

@Foggy

I'm older than you, so I've been masking a lot longer. At a certain point I found it wasn't difficult to "fool" everyone without using up too much mental energy.

From there, I've been in a "place" that you haven't experienced. Note that is is entirely self-taught, so of course it's idiosyncratic. I have no idea if it could help others.

I've described some effects of this below. Of possible direct relevance to you: I'd have started doing some of these things a lot earlier if I know it was possible. In particular I'd have been much more structured in how I taught myself to handle NTs.

OFC neither "Aspie" nor "ND" were a thing when I started: "Autism" was used for ASD 3 at that time and place.

Back on topic:
After my "breakthrough", some things changed a little, and I learned some new things. This includes some of the things I'd have started much earlier if I knew how:
1. I changed some external behaviors. One is that I "tactically" tell some NT's I'll have a lot of contact with that I'm an Aspie. This is not exactly masking but it's close, and has to be done correctly - but the effect is reversing some of the responsibility of accommodating to my being ND.
2. Since I had more "spare energy" while among NTs:
2a. I started "testing" myself:
2a1. How many NT's can I socialize with until it's too many to keep track of all of them?
2a2. How long can I last in different situations before I need to disengage, and what are the internal signals (so I can disengage in good time)
2a3. How well can I deal with "difficult" (but known) emotionally-fogged NT behaviors?
2a4. What's new to me that might be dealt with, or that I'm I not handling well?
2b. I started actively experimenting. This has been surprisingly useful: I pick one thing at a time until it becomes automatic (i.e. uses relatively little mental energy). This reduces the amount of work it takes to mask, so it contributes to my "simultaneous processing" ability and endurance

I still have a long way to go BTW. In particular I'm a "chatty Aspie" (I think it's somewhat related to "stimming"), and I have difficulty with something that should be simple - knowing when to stop talking /lol.
With colleagues, at the same time as I tell them I'm an Aspie I explain they they should interrupt and shut me up if they feel like it. This is hard for the locals (non-interrupting culture) but it definitely helps.

The point of the preceding paragraph is that in certain circumstances, I can get people used to certain parts of my divergent behavior. YMMV of course - it wouldn't surprise me if this entire post was useless to anyone else. But for me it's been very effective.

Hi Hypnalis, thank you for your post! I think it would be useful to me to both tactically tell people I'm in contact with that I'm ND, and to experiment with how well I can handle different social situations. This would give me helpful information on how I can proceed in the future. I'm a bit of a chatty person too, though I do go nonverbal at times, particularly when I'm stressed. I also have difficulty telling when I need to stop talking lol. Thank you for your reply!

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I don't know if we ever fully remove our masks. But I guess a first step is taking courage to allow your Yes to mean Yes and your No to mean No.

Is there something you've always wanted to do, but you didn't want others to judge you for it? If it is something good, you should try it.

 

[Foggy]

I don't know if we ever fully remove our masks. But I guess a first step is taking courage to allow your Yes to mean Yes and your No to mean No.

Is there something you've always wanted to do, but you didn't want others to judge you for it? If it is something good, you should try it.

That is true. I suppose we never do fully remove our masks. I guess one thing I've always wanted is to let myself avoid eye contact. Ever since I was a little kid I've forced eye contact. I haven't always been particularly good at it; I make too much eye contact, or appear "shifty" or suspicious. But I'd rather just not make eye contact at all. I can try that?

 

[Raggamuffin]

From the book I'm reading and recommended above.

"In the psychological literature on the subject, Autism masking is said to consist of two classes of behavior:

Camouflaging: attempting to hide or obscure Autistic traits in order to “blend in” with neurotypicals. The main goal of camouflage is to avoid detection as disabled.

Compensation: using specific strategies to “overcome” challenges and impairments related to disability. The main goal of compensation is to maintain the appearance of high, independent functioning."


Ed

 

[Hypnalis]

@Raggamuffin

Strange questionnaire.

I don't think I could meaningfully answer any of those questions, because to me they all make invalid assumptions.

It starts with the one you're not asked to answer: "What does your mask protect you from?

I don't mask for protection. I never have. And it's not related to any pugilistic ability. I've never had a fight in my life, though I've (literally) walked away from a few.
I mask to make it easier to interact with NTs. We don't need protection from other, but sometimes I want to be part of society, and they are most of it.

I'm actually quite interested in how others here see that list.

My view: Aspies don't naturally learn to speak NT, and NT's don't speak Aspie. Communication isn't just spoken languages. Masking helps bridge the communication gap. We adjust most, because we're a tiny minority.

What we don't learn:
* Many of the cultural assumptions, accepted truths, and accepted lies of the culture we're imbedded in
* A very large proportion of the multiple kinds on non-verbal signaling and communication

Not knowing these things interferes with your ability to interact cordially and effectively with 99.5% of society.

 

[Raggamuffin]

"I mask to make it easier to interact with NTs."

So I'd suggest it protects you from social difficulties and friction. Thus, masking is to hide your true self because there is likely a fear you will be mocked or jeered, or insulted or taken advantage of.

Doesn't have to end in a fight.

Ed

 

[madisen622]

I've been masking for years. I grew up knowing I was different, "weird," and that I had to hide it at all costs. I hid my stimming, my sensory issues, my differences in thinking, my executive dysfunction. I forced myself to make eye contact, to talk when I didn't want to, to hide my special interests. I learned from my best friend in middle/high school how to communicate as best I could and I pretended I was just a little quirky. My parents never noticed anything was wrong, besides that i was "shy" and "anxious" (which Yeah, I guess I was). My brother has autism as well, with higher support needs and I guess they never suspected anything would be wrong with their AFAB child who appeared... normal. But as I've gotten into adulthood, I'm finding that I'm barely hanging on. I'm clinging to a self that doesn't really exist. I am not neurotypical, no matter how much I may pretend to be. And I'm finding that this pretending is detrimental to my self. Forcing myself to be who I'm not is hurting me. I'm burnt out.

I feel like... well, I know that in order to heal from this burn out, I need to let myself be myself. I need to let myself exhibit autistic behaviors. But I am so set in my ways, I'm so used to masking, and the hardest part, is that those around me know me as this "neurotypical" person. I only show my "true self" around my closest friends. My family, who I live with, doesn't see that side of me. If I start visibly stimming, avoiding eye contact, going nonverbal, etc etc they're going to think i'm... being weird, to put it bluntly. Or rude. And I don't want them to think that of me. I am truly an anxious person, and I am always so afraid of what other people think. I know I shouldn't be, but I worry. But I also know that I can't keep doing this. I can't keep pretending. I need... support. I need accommodations. I need understanding. And I need to be able to act in ways that are comfortable to me. Because what I'm doing is not comfortable. It is highly uncomfortable and I hate it.

I don't really know how to proceed. I've already had several breakdowns this summer. I'm at the end of my rope. I can't keep masking 24/7, it's not sustainable. I've maintained it for over 20 years (on and off) but I need the constant pretending to stop. What can I do? Should I talk to my family members and explain that I'm about to start acting different? I have no idea.

Thank you for any input. I appreciate it.

i understand where you're coming from, frankly ive gone through a similar experience. the best advice i can give is to slowly start unmasking. if you're feeling like you need to stim try doing it alone with the door closed in your room!

another thing i think is important to mention with unmasking is telling someone you can trust. i told my mom and we researched everything together, she's coming to my psychiatrist appointment with me for a professional diagnosis in a few days too. i know im just a stranger on this forum haha, but if you ever want to talk to me privately about anything like this my messages are open.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Raggamuffin

I think the difference in perspective (hide vs defend vs learning other ways to communicate) is important for learning to adjust to mainstream society.

These days, after a lot of practice (see above) I mask to reveal my true self.

I'm not a bad person (in contrast to the troll/psycho that was ruining the atmosphere here yesterday
So I try to expose that, but in ways NTs are used to.

I don't believe that all Aspies must do this. We should each make our own life choices.
But it makes life easier.

 

[OlLiE]

Hello, I have masked most of my life. I am 48 and have known I was different from my very first memories but only got the diagnosis in my 30’s. Stopping masking is hard, you feel obliged to do it for the people around you or fear isolation, you’re obliged to do it at work or risk losing your job, … The one thing I’ve learned is that masking is untenable. If you keep doing it you risk reaching the final breakdown moment. I’m stubborn, I never wanted to admit I had a problem, at one point my psychologist told me to get screened for asd. I was diagnosed as clearly on the spectrum and they also were of the opinion that I had already had multiple burnouts that I just ignored and plodded through. After that I tried moving to jobs that should have better suited my nature, going for easier and easier jobs, but it was too late. I also have untreated sleep apnea so at one point I just completely imploded, was fired from work (who admittedly had a lot of patience with me) cut off ties with everyone except my wife and father. Ideally I think I should have tried to explain my limitations to my real friends and employer and hope for the best. It is hard though, the better the mask the harder it is for people to accept that is just that, a mask. There is no easy one solution. All I know is that by trying to keep up appearances, in the end I damaged myself. I still mask a lot but I have so few resources that it always ends in disaster and arguments. I agree to an activity because is it important to my wife or friend but I can only keep up the mask for max an hour before being exhausted, getting annoyed and frustrated and ruining the event for everyone else. I can barely stand being around people. So I still haven’t found the solution either.

 

[Hypnalis]

I don't seem to have an audience on this topic, so this will probably be my last comment on it, but I want to reiterate what's happened to me, because all this "dealing with NT's" stuff has become much easier for me over time.

TLR section - the message is simple:
IMO masking techniques can be learned, and they can be improved, both for effect and for efficiency.

The full text, with some boring details:

Like I suppose most of us, I learned to mask as a child, without really noticing I was doing it, or how I was doing it. Neither efficiency or structure was involved: just a gradual accretion of random inhibitions and a clutter of crude improvised techniques.

Later, life got more complicated, and so did my masking in direct proportion. It became progressively harder - more to learn, more mental effort to do it.

Much later, I stopped trying to act like other people, and started being myself, but in a way NT's were comfortable with. It's still masking, but the effort is much less, and the results have been far superior.

Nothing I do matches with screen-capped page above. I don't hide anything. I don't pretend to be something I'm not (e.g. nothing from Q3 or Q4 in the screen cap). I moderate how I share myself with others.

Note that this doesn't make me a better person in any way. The benefit is that interacting with NTs is a lot less work than it used to be. I'm probably becoming a worse person TBH, but hopefully slowly enough that I'll die of old age before it gets me into any actual trouble

I don't really understand why people don't perceive this is a positive/optimistic message.
Apart from masking techniques I'm not much for self-improvement these days, but I still like to know it's possible.