How do I stop masking all the time?

[Foggy]

From the book I'm reading and recommended above.

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"In the psychological literature on the subject, Autism masking is said to consist of two classes of behavior:

Camouflaging: attempting to hide or obscure Autistic traits in order to “blend in” with neurotypicals. The main goal of camouflage is to avoid detection as disabled.

Compensation: using specific strategies to “overcome” challenges and impairments related to disability. The main goal of compensation is to maintain the appearance of high, independent functioning."


Ed

This is very interesting! Thank you for sharing.

 

[Foggy]

i understand where you're coming from, frankly ive gone through a similar experience. the best advice i can give is to slowly start unmasking. if you're feeling like you need to stim try doing it alone with the door closed in your room!

another thing i think is important to mention with unmasking is telling someone you can trust. i told my mom and we researched everything together, she's coming to my psychiatrist appointment with me for a professional diagnosis in a few days too. i know im just a stranger on this forum haha, but if you ever want to talk to me privately about anything like this my messages are open.

Thank you for the advice I will definitely try slowly unmasking. I will try stimming in my room first then maybe move to doing it some around family. I haven't told my sister yet, I'm a bit scared, but I want to. I also want to tell my mom but I trust her less. I appreciate the offer of messaging! Might take you up on that <3

 

[Foggy]

Hello, I have masked most of my life. I am 48 and have known I was different from my very first memories but only got the diagnosis in my 30’s. Stopping masking is hard, you feel obliged to do it for the people around you or fear isolation, you’re obliged to do it at work or risk losing your job, … The one thing I’ve learned is that masking is untenable. If you keep doing it you risk reaching the final breakdown moment. I’m stubborn, I never wanted to admit I had a problem, at one point my psychologist told me to get screened for asd. I was diagnosed as clearly on the spectrum and they also were of the opinion that I had already had multiple burnouts that I just ignored and plodded through. After that I tried moving to jobs that should have better suited my nature, going for easier and easier jobs, but it was too late. I also have untreated sleep apnea so at one point I just completely imploded, was fired from work (who admittedly had a lot of patience with me) cut off ties with everyone except my wife and father. Ideally I think I should have tried to explain my limitations to my real friends and employer and hope for the best. It is hard though, the better the mask the harder it is for people to accept that is just that, a mask. There is no easy one solution. All I know is that by trying to keep up appearances, in the end I damaged myself. I still mask a lot but I have so few resources that it always ends in disaster and arguments. I agree to an activity because is it important to my wife or friend but I can only keep up the mask for max an hour before being exhausted, getting annoyed and frustrated and ruining the event for everyone else. I can barely stand being around people. So I still haven’t found the solution either.

I do feel obliged to mask, as I'm sure a lot of us do, out of "respect" for the people around me (though what about respect for me?) and fear of being seen as weird, etc. You're absolutely right though, if you mask too much you risk breakdown. That's kind of where I'm at right now, hence my post. I'm also stubborn. I tend to power my way through things, including burnouts and breakdowns. I'm sorry that all that happened to you. I wish you luck! I hope we can both find a solution that works for us.

 

[Foggy]

I don't seem to have an audience on this topic, so this will probably be my last comment on it, but I want to reiterate what's happened to me, because all this "dealing with NT's" stuff has become much easier for me over time.

TLR section - the message is simple:
IMO masking techniques can be learned, and they can be improved, both for effect and for efficiency.

The full text, with some boring details:

Like I suppose most of us, I learned to mask as a child, without really noticing I was doing it, or how I was doing it. Neither efficiency or structure was involved: just a gradual accretion of random inhibitions and a clutter of crude improvised techniques.

Later, life got more complicated, and so did my masking in direct proportion. It became progressively harder - more to learn, more mental effort to do it.

Much later, I stopped trying to act like other people, and started being myself, but in a way NT's were comfortable with. It's still masking, but the effort is much less, and the results have been far superior.

Nothing I do matches with screen-capped page above. I don't hide anything. I don't pretend to be something I'm not (e.g. nothing from Q3 or Q4 in the screen cap). I moderate how I share myself with others.

Note that this doesn't make me a better person in any way. The benefit is that interacting with NTs is a lot less work than it used to be. I'm probably becoming a worse person TBH, but hopefully slowly enough that I'll die of old age before it gets me into any actual trouble

I don't really understand why people don't perceive this is a positive/optimistic message.
Apart from masking techniques I'm not much for self-improvement these days, but I still like to know it's possible.

I appreciate all your commentary on this subject! Sorry I haven't responded, I haven't been on in a few days. I think, in my opinion, that everyone masks in different ways. It's personal, I suppose. I think it's a survival technique - at least, it is for me. A coping strategy? And therefore it's individual. So indeed for you, it might not be hiding anything, but for me, personally, I am hiding aspects of myself. As for your earlier post, I do mask for protection. Again, this is a personal, individual thing. It may be true that you do not, and that's okay! I mask for protection from judgement, from isolation, from bullying, from pointing and stares and laughter. Even from involuntary hospitalization. I try so hard to keep myself composed at all times, so people think I'm "normal," to make myself more palatable for the average person, to protect myself from the world. So it's a way of fitting in but also a way of guarding myself. But again, I believe masking is an individual experience so if it's different for you that's okay! Thank you again for your input on this thread. I've enjoyed reading your posts and I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

 

[Hypnalis]

Thanks for the reply!

I agree that masking in a personal thing. Certainly my detail objectives aren't the same as yours.

You may be underestimating the potential for efficiency improvements though.

These days it's much less work to get the same results (roughly estimated by a combination of how long I can keep it up without getting tired, and how many people I can handle at once).

 

[Darkkin]

Masking is an immensely complex topic, even more so when one is autistic and introverted by nature. That shield is up so often that it truly becomes a part of one's nature. From a personal standpoint, there are always parts of my mask like basic social conditioning that are always in play. e.g. Task initiation and superficial pleasantries protocol (scripted polite response recall to required interactions).

For a base frame of reference:

Let's say one is looking at a completely free day. No required interaction, no required tasks. What do you do with that day? The answer will be unique for everyone, especially in the details.

From a personal standpoint, my brain is usually online on or before 7:30 am no matter what time I completely shutdown the night before. And I am not one of these people who can just turn off their brain and take a nap, which in and of itself, actually is a form of unmasking. Literally, you feel safe enough to sleep. This is something I have never been able to do.

(This result of an older sibling who was resentful of anything anyone else had even if it was a few minutes of peace or a bit of sleep, she saw it, figured you needed it, so she would deliberately interfer in a cruel way, (a physical blow, or dumping water on you). I haven't shared a room with her full time since I was fourteen (and I've been out of the house since I graduated).

I haven't actually spoken to her in five years, but I still wait for the shoe to drop. Logically that isn't going to happen and I'm in an enviable living situation. Complete control of my space with people I trust implicitly, yet my brain is still on guard.

Sorry about the segue, but it does bring up a point of how many of our 'masking' behaviours are inherent trauma responses? e.g. hypervigilance.

Getting back to the unstructured day, one has no expectations, but say there are pets, kids, or both in the home. Are you going to be the one to see that their needs are met or just assume someone else will do it? Again, this is one of those details, often an indicator of a preventative shield behaviour to avoid conflict. I have two dogs and a cat, and I've been the pet care person my entire life. I do it without question so I know it gets done and/or done correctly.

(Another facet of a sociopathic elder sibling, deliberate 'mistakes' when it comes to basic tasks, mistakes that could have done harm to said pets had she not been stopped, we are talking deliberately opened doors and an unfenced yard. We had one very near miss. She was banned from all the pet care after that. And of all our numerous pets, only one dog ever liked her and that poor soul was too stupid to know better.)

I see to my boys because they are my responsibility and a delight to have around. They are far from perfect, but are such good company. Who would have thought a trauma response would ever come in handy and make one a responsible pet owner?

Returning to our day, consider what's next? Stay in bed and sleep in? Go for a walk or indulgence shopping? Who's going to say routine tasks! (Light cleaning and space maintenance.) Me! I do routine pick up, tidying, and sweeping everyday to maintain a neat space. My friend group will tell you that my house is 'company' level clean. (And they have no idea of what my level of 'company' level clean is...). This is both an autistic trait and a masking behaviour.

I don't want to be judged by my housekeeping, but I know I will be, so I make sure my space is maintained and manageable. The routine of it also brings a level of untold peace to my soul after dealing with the chaos of the outside world. Our home environments impact our physical and emotional wellbeing. Clutter and mess being a huge source of visible chaos, implied failure, laziness, and a potent source of shame.

This is just within the first 45 minutes of waking up folks...It isn't just forcing eye contact, making scripted small talk, and supressing physical stim needs. It influences our most basic actions and daily functions starting with sleep.

More on this later...I have to get ready for work.

 

[Judge]

The good news :

Growing old and formally retiring does wonders. Where "going along just to get along" no longer matters so much. Why do I not mask as much as I did when I was employed by and/or depended on others?

- Because for all practical purposes, I no longer have to. When I lost whatever concern I once had over what others may have thought about me for much of any reason. It's quite liberating.

The bad news :

To retire, one has to have financially "paid their dues". A consideration that IMO precludes most of us from being able to eschew masking in whole or in part. And to understand that old age has its own inherent drawbacks.

And for those who may prematurely choose to stop masking altogether, I can only think of this sad, but true saying:

"Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield".