How common is it for people with autism to have romantic relationships?

[Ruby]

Is it more common amongst males or females? Is it harder than the general population? Do autistic people have less interest in having a partner? Do they find it harder to cope with? Is it common to have a partner even if they are shy and/or introverted? What are relationships like for autistics?

 

[Soup]

Many of us do have relationships (marriages & other types of partnerships) but I'm not sure how much romantic stuff goes on. I'm romantically clueless but some others here have reported being romantic. As for what those people mean when they say that, it would be interesting to find out.

Temple Grandin, as successful as she is, has never had a romantic relationship & doesn't feel any desire for one. Some of us would love to have a partner but can't find someone suitable. This last group can be very depressed, lonely & frustrated (which doesn't exactly make them into attractive prospects!).

As with NTs, the dynamics of NT relationships, each is unique to the people involved. It may be harder for many Aspies to get into a relationship in the first place because we tend to be more introverted & therefore less likely to socialize much. Confidence & self esteem issues also come into play & many Aspies also are coping with anxiety.

I met my husband by sheer dumb luck & complete fluke.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Not that I'm proud of it , but I'v had many relationships. Too many.

 

[smith2267]

It's tough for aspie men. We aren't the alpha types women are genetically programmed to want.

 

[buckyboy14]

It's tough for aspie men. We aren't the alpha types women are genetically programmed to want.

I never understood that. I'm a very nice person, but in order to have a girlfriend, I have to be "bad"? I don't get that at all. Is that always how it has to be?

 

[SallySlips]

I think it's easier for Aspie women to be in romantic relationships because women generally aren't expected to be the outgoing ones. If my husband weren't so outgoing, we never would have started dating. Apparently he had been pretty serious about me for a while before I even realized he felt that way

 

[King_Oni]

I never understood that. I'm a very nice person, but in order to have a girlfriend, I have to be "bad"? I don't get that at all. Is that always how it has to be?

Alpha types aren't "bad" in that sense.

Alpha men are usually more dominant and in charge. More competitive generally speaking. That's what, from what I understand, a lot of women are looking for in a man.

But clearly there's a bit of gender roles involved over the past 60 years or so.

Alpha male does not define "bad boy". If anything it states "not a pushover".

 

[Undiagnosed]

Alpha types aren't "bad" in that sense.

Alpha men are usually more dominant and in charge. More competitive generally speaking. That's what, from what I understand, a lot of women are looking for in a man.

But clearly there's a bit of gender roles involved over the past 60 years or so.

Alpha male does not define "bad boy". If anything it states "not a pushover".

Yep thats right.... and yep it's always been that way.... It was born into women from the beginning of time when a "domanant" man was necissary for survival. Now it is just part of a womans nbature to be attracted to that. Just like it is in a man's God given nature to be attracted to a woman an hour glass shape..... it was put there by our maker for the purpose of survival

 

[Ruby]

Males don't have to be bad at all. I don't really get why they should be bad, because nice ones will get further in life and usually won't hurt anyone. Having a nice personality is great and should be rewarded. You don't have to be bad to have a girlfriend. Someone will probably appreciate your kindness one day.

 

[Gomendosi]

The mentality of "nice guys finish last" is 99.999% accurate when coupled with Aspergers.

 

[total-recoil]

It's tough for aspie men. We aren't the alpha types women are genetically programmed to want.

I find that women really are attracted to guys they can relate to and definitely material success is also a factor. The reason I struggle more with relationships these days is I live in a location where women tend to all think the same way and tend to look for guys very different to myself. In many ways I can understand why a woman wouldn't want to be romantically involved with me, given my eccentric lifestyle and limited social interaction. I recently had a close friendship with a girl that gradually eroded into nothing and, sure I can see it also from her point of view. What she needs is a guy she can relate to and have fun with and also go on holidays. I never even go on holidays as I'm so close to my dog I wouldn't leave him (he tends to fret for me) and I far prefer to stay in and read or do music as opposed to socialising. The experience hurt me quite a bit but as I discovered more about aspergers I shrugged it off.
At this point in my life I no longer wish to stress out over being in a relationship or trying to somehow change so someone will accept me. I now just want be who I am and if some girl one day comes along I can relate to then who knows?
I do talk to women a lot more now than I used to do and tend to be very honest about myself. I even tell them I'm a bit of a loner and that I study a lot and do some music but don't try to put up any pretence.
I don't think women form relationships only with alpha males. Many women also like guys who can relate to them emotionally and I met a lot of women who will talk to me about problems they wouldn't normally discuss with a guy who just does football and drinks beer and so on.

 

[ittakesabigman]

Speaking from my own perspective, I have never had a girlfriend. I'm 23 years old. It's just extremely hard for me because I have a really hard time socializing.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I married a nice guy. At the time when we met, he had just finished school, had no job, and was living at home. So with me at least, material success was never a factor. I liked that he was a deep thinker and we could have great debates. And he has beautiful eyes. He is an eccentric NT. To be honest, at that time I drank a lot and hung out with a couple annoying and shallow women. I was lost and very unhappy, but trying to blend. Drinking was the only thing that helped me "fit in." Not that I'd recommend this to anyone, but that is how I met my husband. Otherwise, I would never had been at a bar. It is easier for women, in that I have never actively pursued a man. They pursued me. Usually dumped me pretty quick too. But my husband is more introverted than most NTs, but still way more social than me. I like to think that our differences balance each other out. Our core values are the same, so it works. He gives me a lot of space. I'm not clingy, like some women can be but I definitely am high maintenance. I'm moody, don't communicate all that well, and given to meltdowns. Both of us have had to learn how to deal with each other in effective ways. I try to get out of my comfort zone, at least a little, and he has had to learn patience. His expectations of what a woman should do has definitely had to change as well. He had a very traditional mother, so he thinks I should do the things she did, like dinner parties and PTA (as if!). I'm not a conventional wife or a conventional mother. But I bring some good traits to the relationship as well, and he sees that. Overall, we are still a work in progress. I think all relationships are like this though. Is it harder for us??depends on each person's traits and issues, and the dynamics and expectations between the couple.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I think I understand the whole women want a man with a backbone. My husband doesn't have too much of a backbone and he lets people walk all over him all the time ... his parents, his bosses at work etc. He often just needs to grow a set and stand up for himself but he's afraid to. He even gives in to me a lot which I don't really like because I don't want to be another person in his life just walking all over him. It annoys me sometimes because I think he would be a lot further in life if he just stood up for himself once in a while and played the game of life. Its not always the person who works hardest that gets rewarded.

In saying that he is a good provider. He has never had too much trouble with holding a job and with luck next week he will finally get a promotion which he probably should have got sooner but he didn't want to play the game so to speak. I'm hoping the fact he is a hard worker with a good track record will come through for him. From an evolutionary perspective having a mate who is a good provider is an advantage for a woman because she can then insure a better chance of survival for her children. Or in modern times offer them a better chance at living a good life.

I think aspie women probably have a better chance at a long term romantic relationship because our society says that we women should wait for the man to ask us. Also because we are pretty ignorant about advances it means only the really keen ones stick around because it takes a while to get it through our heads that they are interested. For men I imagine it is a lot harder because they are required to make the first move in most situations and added to that would be the anxiety that goes with being an aspie.

There is a lot of stuff out there that says if your an aspie your chances of a successful long term relationship is low. I think that is bull. You just have to find the right person who is willing to accept the aspie quirks. I found out about my aspie-ness after I married my husband and when I told my husband he found a lengthy research paper on how a relationship with an aspie is going to fail. He was so upset by this. I have never doubted our relationship but in that moment I feared he would leave me. At the end of it we talked and I basically told him "I haven't changed, I'm still the same person you married, I just have a label to describe how I behave." Since then we have never really talked about it because in all honesty it is just a label and the person I was before the label is still the same person he was in love with.

We have a very strong relationship and he now understands I'm not going to get all social interaction right 100% of the time and he understands he might have to be a bit of a go between for me and the rest of the world. He accepts that there are some things he will just have to do for me. I do the same for him. I mean I am very routine based with money so I manage our finances. And I never ever use an automatic transaction and have never missed a payment ever. So while he accepts he will have to do a few things for me I accept that I will never come home to a home cooked meal from my husband that can't be thrown in the oven for twenty mins after coming out of a box.

At the end of the day, love in a relationship is a very minor thing. Its more about do you fit together, like a jigsaw? Do you each fill in the blanks for one another? Do you support one another? Do you have shared goals? Can you live together? Usually if those are all ticked off your good to go in the love department. I wish I could say something comforting about meeting people but I have found if you just let it all go, stop worrying about it and set your mind free of that demand for a partner it will happen. The universe will hear you and answer. Worked for me. The instant I stopped caring about having a man in my life, the perfect one for me showed. If you focus too much on "I really want a GF/BF" then you will put out desperate vibes and come across as a weaker person. But if you stop worrying you will become more confident and less weighed down and you might just meet who you were looking for after all.

 

[Soup]

I like a guy who ISN'T bad. Those types I avoid even more than I avoid every other kind of person. He can look bad; I'm not hung up on a specific narrow looks type, but he has to e a good guy. Mine IS the alpha male type in some senses (very productive, achievement oriented & strongly identified with his career & success, a proud provider) but in other ways, he doesn't give a hoot about machoness-type stuff. He can sew & crochet, he draws & paints, doesn't watch or participate in any macho 'manly man' sports (prefers snow shoeing, hiking & paddling his canoe). He's more sensitive & emotional than I am BUT that isn't saying much: I'm emotionally thick (low EQ).

Some guys do like an hourglass figure, others like a heavy woman & some like them lean. Others like a tall woman, some like a short woman. Some like a gregarious woman & others prefer someone more quiet. Some like older women, some want a partner to be close in age & others like them younger. I think that there's a pot for every cover out there. When I met the guy I married, I was fresh out of the hospital, still affected by the Demorol they shot me up with, looking like a baggy eyed, bloated grey/green faced car accident victim & still bandaged! I'd been in the hospital for 5 days & out for 2 hours. I was NOT looking attractive (unless you've got a thing for people who look like disaster survivors or asylum escapees). It was baaaad. To this day I have no idea why spoke to me, what was said & how we wound up with each other's number.

 

[Beetlejuice-Obsessed]

Hey... I've got a question. I'm a girl who was diagnosed with Asperger's at a very young age (3rd grade), and I read somewhere that a lot of Aspie girls are tomboyish and have a harder time exhibiting romantic or loving behaviors as often as they need to be shown to others. I have both of these issues, but I realized that in all of the autistic males I have ever met, none of them seem to have those problems? They have all been more feminine than me in some ways and even demand more sexual or romantic attention from me when I am having difficult indecision between them and one of my obsessions.

Because of this, my ex, who seemed about as aspie or autistic as me, cheated on me with my best friend right under my nose and then left me earlier this year.

And my new boyfriend, who is very similar and who was self diagnosed as an autist, seems to be making the same demanding advances on me that make me feel cornered and confused.

So I was wondering... Is it a common symptom among aspie or autist males to be more sexual or more romantic and more feminine than females?

Because I love them a lot, but I don't seem to get really "into it". And it doesn't make sense to me when they would rather do it with me in bed than play the video game they talked about to me all day.

I was reading some of the other girls' posts in this thread and I didn't see anything that sounded similar to my issues, so I'm also beginning to wonder of I am alone on this feeling of preferring to sit and watch stuff or play games together to having sex and just cuddling.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I was very, very against intimacy for years. When my son came along, my mom was pretty shocked and in disbelief, even though I was married and had a sonogram to back it up. I don't mind cuddling so much, but I have to be in the mood for it and if I'm involved in something I find anything else demanding my attention to be a nuisance. I don't remember how much of an issue it was when I was dating because I ran off most of the people interested in me since they were creeps, drug addicts, only interested in me because they were horny, or all three.

There may be a wee hormonal issue between us aggravating it. Men hit their sexual prime in their teens, women hit it in their thirties. I wouldn't be surprised if young guys the world over are more interested in jumping into bed than their female counterparts.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I'm not at all romantic, have never had a relationship and don't want one. I doubt that will ever change.

However, I was interested by the comments by smith2267 and others that women want alpha males. I know that this is the generally excepted wisdom and is somewhat supported by evolutionary theories (in which females would be attracted to males who could support and protect them and their children), but it's pretty much the opposite of what I've observed.

My mum definitely "wears the trousers" in my parents relationship (my dad is probably as aspie). My sister is also definitely the "alpha" in her relationship too (her boyfriend is not an aspie, just a sweet and gentle guy who for some reason adores my sister and lets her walk all over him). Of all of the female friends I've had over the years only a couple of them were attracted to the "alpha" type, the rest put compatibility, humour, kindness and sensitivity first. The two who liked alphas weren't even interested in a real relationship, just flings and sex.

 

[Harrison]

I am an incurable romantic with no-one to practise on

In my youth romance must have been a special interest as I could fall in love at the drop of a hat. Of course I doubt it was love, more lust I would say.

The aspie partners I have had tended to be aloof, less romantic than I, so there seems to be a truth in what you're saying. Also, as Ashe says, we peak early and it's downhill from there.

 

[Etzelaire]

For me it's really tough, romance is kind of a weird thing for me. My brain is very strict with everything.