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How can I stop obsessing about my singlehood?

I'll tell you "the secret". You won't believe me.

The secret is just stop thinking about it.

You are like a little kid trying to find where santa hid the presents. You want to see what you will get right now! And your mother keeps telling you that if you don't stop looking, there will be no Christmas, but you keep looking any way.

Really, you must stop thinking about what you don't have and trying to figure it out.

You need to think:

"I know I will meet my match. She is out there and wants to meet me too. It will happen. It really will. It hasn't happened yet but that's ok. It will happen. It will happen just as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow. I am so confident I don't even worry."

As Yoda says "Do. Or do not. There is no try."
 
Thinx said:
What do you think the reason was, @Markness?
Click to expand...

This server was an extreme left wing autism group. When it comes to extremes, there is no “We can agree to disagree.”; only “You better agree with me!” is permitted with extreme groups. They accused me of being a misogynist, that I made them “uncomfortable”, and that I needed to apologize. Calling me a misogynist is a sickening mischaracterization, it’s their own fault for being “uncomfortable”, and a forced apology is not genuine.
 
Markness said:
This server was an extreme left wing autism group. When it comes to extremes, there is no “We can agree to disagree.”; only “You better agree with me!” is permitted with extreme groups. They accused me of being a misogynist, that I made them “uncomfortable”, and that I needed to apologize. Calling me a misogynist is a sickening mischaracterization, it’s their own fault for being “uncomfortable”, and a forced apology is not genuine.
Click to expand...
Had a similar experience with a member of veganism on social media apparently you can't be an individual
 
OkRad said:
No easy answers there. Human beings have ached for love since pen/quill/ink hit paper/papyrus/parchment.

There are no platitudes that can ease it. But you WILL have to accept it at some point. You will either find someone or accept not having someone.

. . .

So I think there is a hump that has to be overcome and then you will accept it and not look back. All that said, you are young. You may not have to go over any hump and to be honest, even those of us who have given up may one day be surprised.

. . .
Click to expand...

What about these humps? :D
 
It is really tough, I have been in your shoes often as well. Tough to shake those thoughts. I actually had a really long stretch where I barely even thought about being single. During this time, I was focused on different hobbies along with work so my mind has been on other things. My obsessive brain was still there but it was obsessing about other things. Life was still not always easy, but I was able to function much more effectively during this time. So I think the best way to shake those thoughts are to focus on other areas of your life such as others here have suggested. Often is easier said than done though.

This weekend though, the single thoughts came back strong for various reasons. I find that the whole dating apps usually make things worse for me. I never seem to have any success and for the most part I am uninterested in most of the women on there. I almost never receive any messages back from those I message. The women that do like me, I am almost never interested in them. Maybe I have high standards, but I think it is more that the options on dating apps are poor. Maybe that is harsh, but that's been my experience. It does give me this fear that my odds are so long that it will never happen since there seems to be less and less options as I get older. My only hope is dating apps are not a sample of prospects that are reflective of the potential dating pool.
 
I swore off dating sites, apps, and even Facebook dating groups. All three just made me stressed out and sometimes even suicidal.

If I don’t have a girlfriend before the year ends, what should I do for the coming year to make love actually happen for me? How can I break the vicious cycles?
 
To me, it looks like a first step toward being happy enough in your life
would be to drop the expectation that "finding love"/"a girlfriend" is a
task that can be achieved on a schedule.
 
Markness said:
I swore off dating sites, apps, and even Facebook dating groups. All three just made me stressed out and sometimes even suicidal.

If I don’t have a girlfriend before the year ends, what should I do for the coming year to make love actually happen for me? How can I break the vicious cycles?
Click to expand...
That is why I am afraid to try dating apps.

I also understand what you are going through. It seems like no matter how hard you try different things and it doesn't work out.
 
tree said:
To me, it looks like a first step toward being happy enough in your life
would be to drop the expectation that "finding love"/"a girlfriend" is a
task that can be achieved on a schedule.
Click to expand...

I always fear that there’s a cut off age to getting into a relationship and I remember someone telling me “Don’t wait too long!” in regards to finding love. Other than that, though, I am not sure why I developed that fear. I suppose it’s also because around the time I became depressed, other guys but not me were getting girlfriends and it confused me.
 
Maybe try finding activities that will you know will give you confidence. Sometimes, people can just feel confidence and this will distract you positively and maybe a few people will start eyeing you initially instead.
 
It stands to reason that if our social difficulties stem from anxiety and overthinking in unnatural ways, a good way to overthink it would be to take a tantric approach to relationships. Basically, trying not to be concerned with the end result and enjoying the process. I use it in some circumstances. I guess it helps to have an interest in philosophy.
 
paloftoon said:
Maybe try finding activities that will you know will give you confidence. Sometimes, people can just feel confidence and this will distract you positively and maybe a few people will start eyeing you initially instead.
Click to expand...
I wonder if maybe I am just unattractive in most women’s eyes?
 
@Markness

It's equally likely you don't understand how the NT mate-finding process works.
This is certainly true of a lot of the comments and questions on this general topic in the forum.

More experienced forum members provide really good suggestions and insight, but the people asking for those things seem unable to contextualize them

---------------------
A serious (and reasonably time-efficient) suggestion: take a look at the infamous Tinder statistics. I won't provide sources, but be careful - some crazy people use these objective facts to make crazy claims.
After looking at the stats, and any objective analyses you can find, think about what they might mean to you.
---------------------

Despite-odd 50 years of work, some successful, towards equality between the sexes, the mate-finding process is still wildly unbalanced.
In addition, the average Aspie starts out 20-odd (of 100) "hotness points" lower than an otherwise equivalent NT due to the two-way issue of the body-language deficit. Our body-language is (statistically speaking) likely to be a bit off, and we can't read the body language of potential romantic partners accurately.

BTW you're just moving into the age range where the "balance of power" is shifting. This is a very good time to get serious (and objective) about your life-goal.
 
Markness said:
I wonder if maybe I am just unattractive in most women’s eyes?
Click to expand...
And keep remembering that “most women” isn’t really a thing. There’s no way most of us could agree on what is attractive and what is not. We will each see what we like in a different way.
 
Rodafina said:
And keep remembering that “most women” isn’t really a thing. There’s no way most of us could agree on what is attractive and what is not. We will each see what we like in a different way.
Click to expand...
What do you recommend saying instead?
 
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