How can I stop obsessing about my singlehood?

[Markness]

I know, it’s obvious by now I ruminate on about my singlehood but how do I stop obsessing on it so much? I tend to think about it whether or not I am doing something. It could be at work, driving around, taking a walk, reading a book, watching something or playing a video game on TV, and even when I am resting on the couch after feeling drained from the day.

My mind also constantly brings up automatic thoughts like:

“You are missing out on romance or sex with every minute you don’t even try to seek those things.”

“Why is that girl dating that guy but not me?”

“Should I ask her out? Is she single? Will she reject me?”

“Is she just being nice or is she attracted to me? I can’t figure it out!”

“My life is slipping away and I am scared that my time is running out or it already has and I am simply in denial.”

“Are there still any single women out there?”

My mind is really a mess right now and I had to get this out some way.

 

[tree]

10 Tips to Help You Stop Ruminating

The subject of the rumination matters less than the process.
It's possible to teach yourself to stop tormenting yourself.

Or if that sounds too good to be true, how about...
it's possible to learn to stop tormenting yourself so much.

 

[Gracey]

The value you place upon yourself in and out of a relationship.

Do you see yourself as 'less than' because you're not in a relationship?

Do you view the relationship as the only thing that will somehow make you whole? Balanced?

Ask yourself why it matters so much?

 

[Markness]

10 Tips to Help You Stop Ruminating

The subject of the rumination matters less than the process.
It's possible to teach yourself to stop tormenting yourself.

Or if that sounds too good to be true, how about...it's possible
to teach yourself to stop tormenting yourself so much.

I’ll look at the site when I get off work.

The value you place upon yourself in and out of a relationship.

Do you see yourself as 'less than' because you're not in a relationship?

Do you view the relationship as the only thing that will somehow make you whole? Balanced?

Ask yourself why it matters so much?

Not necessarily. I am just a person who struggles socially and I wish society could understand people on the spectrum better.

There are other things that make me feel empty, not just being without a relationship. I think having a special partner would help me feel less alone.

I want love in my life and to share things with a special partner.

 

[OkRad]

No easy answers there. Human beings have ached for love since pen/quill/ink hit paper/papyrus/parchment.

There are no platitudes that can ease it. But you WILL have to accept it at some point. You will either find someone or accept not having someone.

I don't mean to be stark or rude. But the amount of people on here (and in history) who have overcome single-hood are so many that I am convinced it can be done. AND all those people have not killed themselves. Quite the opposite. Many are very happy.

So I think there is a hump that has to be overcome and then you will accept it and not look back. All that said, you are young. You may not have to go over any hump and to be honest, even those of us who have given up may one day be surprised.

But I think if you accept being alone and then are surprised by togetherness it sure beats aching for togetherness and being surprised by alone-ness.

 

[Sherlock77]

I don't know the answer completely, but did pick up this piece of advice from a book I read many years ago

(very paraphrased)

The more comfortable you are with yourself as a single, the more likely you are to attract someone

(very bad paraphrase)

I just remember a friend years ago who was desperate - I mean really desperate - to get into a relationship, and he tried too hard, he had a string of failures in short-term relationships, and ultimately he came across as so desperate that I think that actually pushed women away, and he did obsess over it

 

[Mary Terry]

I don't know the answer completely, but did pick up this piece of advice from a book I read many years ago

(very paraphrased)

The more comfortable you are with yourself as a single, the more likely you are to attract someone

(very bad paraphrase)

I just remember a friend years ago who was desperate - I mean really desperate - to get into a relationship, and he tried too hard, he had a string of failures in short-term relationships, and ultimately he came across as so desperate that I think that actually pushed women away, and he did obsess over it

I've heard the same sentiment expressed as "a person who is wrapped up in himself makes a very small package."

 

[Au Naturel]

I don't know the answer completely, but did pick up this piece of advice from a book I read many years ago

(very paraphrased)

The more comfortable you are with yourself as a single, the more likely you are to attract someone

(very bad paraphrase)

I just remember a friend years ago who was desperate - I mean really desperate - to get into a relationship, and he tried too hard, he had a string of failures in short-term relationships, and ultimately he came across as so desperate that I think that actually pushed women away, and he did obsess over it

I have also heard that looking prevents finding.

My suggestion is to engage in activities that you enjoy and try to find groups that focus on those activities. Hopefully the groups will have females. Female nerds are absolutely glorious creatures!

To be comfortable enjoying what you enjoy is itself a blessing. If you can make friends on top of it, then your cake has been iced. Be at peace with who you are. Or at least be really really good at masking the fact you are not at peace with yourself.

 

[Markness]

I just really hope one day I can post that I’ve gotten a girlfriend and that there is hope for Aspie males who are going through what I am struggling with. When will my day come?

 

[Slyfox]

I have also heard that looking prevents finding.

My suggestion is to engage in activities that you enjoy and try to find groups that focus on those activities. Hopefully the groups will have females. Female nerds are absolutely glorious creatures!

To be comfortable enjoying what you enjoy is itself a blessing. If you can make friends on top of it, then your cake has been iced. Be at peace with who you are. Or at least be really really good at masking the fact you are not at peace with yourself.

cause the best fishermen never fish >.>
some of us activies are all home bound. i will never meet a woman on games, online or from home.

 

[dhl02]

I have also heard that looking prevents finding.

My suggestion is to engage in activities that you enjoy and try to find groups that focus on those activities. Hopefully the groups will have females. Female nerds are absolutely glorious creatures!

To be comfortable enjoying what you enjoy is itself a blessing. If you can make friends on top of it, then your cake has been iced. Be at peace with who you are. Or at least be really really good at masking the fact you are not at peace with yourself.

Yeah, however it's rough when your special interests are largely male-dominated.
The only women that I've run into are wives of members of my SI clubs.

 

[Markness]

No easy answers there. Human beings have ached for love since pen/quill/ink hit paper/papyrus/parchment.

There are no platitudes that can ease it. But you WILL have to accept it at some point. You will either find someone or accept not having someone.

I don't mean to be stark or rude. But the amount of people on here (and in history) who have overcome single-hood are so many that I am convinced it can be done. AND all those people have not killed themselves. Quite the opposite. Many are very happy.

So I think there is a hump that has to be overcome and then you will accept it and not look back. All that said, you are young. You may not have to go over any hump and to be honest, even those of us who have given up may one day be surprised.

But I think if you accept being alone and then are surprised by togetherness it sure beats aching for togetherness and being surprised by alone-ness.

If I have any “humps”, I believe they are the fact I live in a very shallow pond so to say (I live in a city but it’s not a big one) and I fell behind socially and it feels like most people around me aren’t interested in making new connections. I’m like a teenager who wants friends but I’m at the age where I should already have plenty and maybe I am seen as strange for wanting social connections?

 

[Au Naturel]

If I have any “humps”, I believe they are the fact I live in a very shallow pond so to say (I live in a city but it’s not a big one) and I fell behind socially and it feels like most people around me aren’t interested in making new connections. I’m like a teenager who wants friends but I’m at the age where I should already have plenty and maybe I am seen as strange for wanting social connections?

That pretty much described me. Also a large percentage of people on the spectrum as well as a fair number of NTs.

You see people with friends but you may not see all the people who do not have friends. Those people tend to recede into the background while the gregarious draw one's attention. In your concern over your lack of friends, you look to that which confirms your plight. Google confirmation bias.

Being relatively friendless is a terrible pain for an adolescent or young adult because we are evolutionarily primed to maximize friendships and lovers at those times of our life. It isn't a useful adaptation today. We don't expect to die in our 30s, reproduction isn't our primary purpose in life, and being at the bottom of the social ladder isn't the existential disadvantage it once was.

 

[Markness]

That pretty much described me. Also a large percentage of people on the spectrum as well as a fair number of NTs.

You see people with friends but you may not see all the people who do not have friends. Those people tend to recede into the background while the gregarious draw one's attention. In your concern over your lack of friends, you look to that which confirms your plight. Google confirmation bias.

Being relatively friendless is a terrible pain for an adolescent or young adult because we are evolutionarily primed to maximize friendships and lovers at those times of our life. It isn't a useful adaptation today. We don't expect to die in our 30s, reproduction isn't our primary purpose in life, and being at the bottom of the social ladder isn't the existential disadvantage it once was.

Did you grow up in the Bible Belt by any chance?

That’s largely why I don’t use social media anymore. The FOMO was too much. I’ve been told I struggle with confirmation bias. I’ll have to read about it when I am off work.

But that shouldn’t mean it’s meant to be my life’s remaining story, is it?

 

[Au Naturel]

Did you grow up in the Bible Belt by any chance?

That’s largely why I don’t use social media anymore. The FOMO was too much. I’ve been told I struggle with confirmation bias. I’ll have to read about it when I am off work.

But that shouldn’t mean it’s meant to be my life’s remaining story, is it?

It was a fundamentalist Christian family in a rural part of northern Michigan. Needless to say, I lived in the closet until I left Michigan for California.

It wasn't the story of the rest of my life, though I had to wait until I got out of college for it to begin. I did find friends. I did find females to "partner" with. Most were through groups I'd joined... like Mensa, photography, a science fiction group (LASFS), Elysium Fields (a nudist club). Got engaged in USAF technical school but it didn't last. Very, very dark days. Met my wife at my landlord and future cousin's birthday party. Just dumb luck and coincidence.

 

[Markness]

I really tried to refrain from posting another topic like this but I had some things happen to me that slowly but surely affected me and made me feel sad about not having a girlfriend once again.

My sister in-law had a baby shower on Saturday and I attended to show support as well as visit with my father. Besides my younger brother and my sister in-law, there were tons of couples. I just did my best not to focus on them and just talk to people I knew or who approached me first. One person knew me but I didn’t recall who she was; I found out from my younger brother she went to the same school we all graduated from. She was married to someone I used to know from that school and he showed up.

Because I won’t go back to work until Wednesday, I’ve had plenty of time to take it easy and do things like read for enjoyment, listen to music, watch TV/movies/videos, and play video games. It’s also been cold and rainy so that doesn’t motivate me to get out (I did today because the sun was out). However, I got so sidetracked by one of my hobbies that hours slipped through my fingers and I didn’t get accomplished what I wanted to do with it until midday today.

I also thought back on how I’ve done so many things to put myself out there socially both to get out of my vicious cycle and to find a girlfriend.
I remembered someone telling me if I diverted my energy away from forums, I would have a girlfriend within a year. Well, the year is almost over and I still don’t have a girlfriend.

When I thought back on all the couples and how my life currently feels like I can’t do anything about it, I became very distraught emotionally. It made me wonder why other people coupled up and found love while I have not. I know I need to do something with my life but I don’t know what that something is.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Should I even say what I think. You all heard it already.

Anyway I will just say I know exactly what you are going through and it's sad.

 

[Streetwise]

I really tried to refrain from posting another topic like this but I had some things happen to me that slowly but surely affected me and made me feel sad about not having a girlfriend once again.

My sister in-law had a baby shower on Saturday and I attended to show support as well as visit with my father. Besides my younger brother and my sister in-law, there were tons of couples. I just did my best not to focus on them and just talk to people I knew or who approached me first. One person knew me but I didn’t recall who she was; I found out from my younger brother she went to the same school we all graduated from. She was married to someone I used to know from that school and he showed up.

Because I won’t go back to work until Wednesday, I’ve had plenty of time to take it easy and do things like read for enjoyment, listen to music, watch TV/movies/videos, and play video games. It’s also been cold and rainy so that doesn’t motivate me to get out (I did today because the sun was out). However, I got so sidetracked by one of my hobbies that hours slipped through my fingers and I didn’t get accomplished what I wanted to do with it until midday today.

I also thought back on how I’ve done so many things to put myself out there socially both to get out of my vicious cycle and to find a girlfriend.
I remembered someone telling me if I diverted my energy away from forums, I would have a girlfriend within a year. Well, the year is almost over and I still don’t have a girlfriend.

When I thought back on all the couples and how my life currently feels like I can’t do anything about it, I became very distraught emotionally. It made me wonder why other people coupled up and found love while I have not. I know I need to do something with my life but I don’t know what that something is and all my attempts to make new connections as well as grow as a human being failed this year. Maybe my 17 year old self was right that I needed to shoot my brains out?

Think to yourself, what is your main reason for having a girlfriend, go through all your feelings, is it company, is it sex, is it help, doing that might clarify what wasn't clear

 

[Markness]

Think to yourself, what is your main reason for having a girlfriend, go through all your feelings, is it company, is it sex, is it help, doing that might clarify what wasn't clear

Company by far. I want a special partner. But for some reason, I got mobbed by an entire Discord channel for saying that.

 

[Thinx]

Company by far. I want a special partner. But for some reason, I got mobbed by an entire Discord channel for saying that.

What do you think the reason was, @Markness?