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How can I be in a relationship when most women I encounter are already taken?

I think some of the issue might be that you feel you have missed the boat. That there was a time to find a partner and now that time is over. So let's correct that.

Different people have different relationship patterns. Some barely spend a day without a relationship, some are happy on their own for their whole life. But importantly, that relationship thing starts pretty young. Teens already have relationships. So either everyone picks their life partner aged 14 (lovely for you if you did!) and you've missed the bus as you fear ORRRRRR (and let's be fair this is what actually happens) all those people you see in relationships started that relationship when the majority of the other people were already in a relationship.

I couldn't give an accurate stat on how many people end up with their first highschool sweetheart, but I would hazard a guess that 90%+ don't. So At least 90% of the people on the planet started a special relationship in a situation where all the guys/girls they like turned out to already have a relationship. Yet there they are, in a relationship, despite that. It would appear that there is no "missed the train" time.

You seem to see things as pretty transactional on relationships, so let's use a transactional analogy. You are coming from a direction like you're a gambler addicted to scratch cards that is spending their last A$50 on cards. As you scratch each one off and the jackpot doesn't show, you get more desperate, because you think "I've only got x cards left". Which just doesn't bear any resemblance to reality on this subject.

So it might take some time to find someone who is a) single, b) likes you, c) you like and d) is in mindset and position to have a relationship. But that's the same for absolutely everyone. In the meantime you have two choices: treat these interactions like scratch cards or b) enjoy genuine company. It would surely be a shame to waste time on the former?
 
I never had any luck trying to date women I was attracted to first, and given their subsequent histories, I'm probably lucky. I did interesting things, and women were intrigued, and then felt a bit challenged to get me to notice they were attractive in their own way. I was open to most offers, but avoided fatherhood. Some traumatized me badly. Only in the last one had I learned to stick up for myself, so it was also my favorite, but eventually, I decided that the compromises were still too much for a life together.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
I have trouble talking to woman I don't know. I do better in small group situations so I join l life groups in Church, dinners and yoga classes. So of course occasionally I socialize with people sometimes before or after in yoga class.

We will start with yoga class. I socialize with two woman. One woman I did not talk to too much but when she mentioned a husband I was crushed.

Now the second woman I felt very shy around. She socalized with other female yogis easily. She would sometimes come to class and smile at me and say hi. I thought maybe it was some kind of sign. What a surprise after class when she went and talked to meafte class and said I liked my mat. I said I just bought it to replace a old mat I did not like. She said I was an inspiration for her coming more. When she mentioned she had two kids I goy worried because 99% of mom's I encounter are married and what do you know then she mentions a husband. My heart sank. Only when she said her husband father just died I felt some sadness but still I felt crushed.

Going to Wednesday dinner I meet this woman three. Get to know her. We are talking and things are good. Until she mentions in general conversation her boyfriend. Then she pulls out hrr phone and shows some stupid video of the stupid boyfriend works at the stupid wnba.

Then I find out today that a woman named Tanya who likes cats actually has a boyfriend and is getting married.

So, every new woman I encounter where I go to new places they all have boyfriends or husbands. I am at my wits ends. I go out. I see married couples every where. I always be friends new married couples. I actually made new friends with two on Wednesday. I see boyfriend and girlfriend holding hands outside all the time just today and it's driving me crazy. There is love everywhere except for me.


Before anyone says anything no I don't want to try any autism online dating site. I don't trust them. I want to socialize face to face, not virtual beind a screen or a profile. So there. I'm 46 and never even been on a date.
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I relate very much to your writing, because this was how I used to think. Even girls who were in relationships that I was not interested in would illicit the same reaction from me--a harsh sort of bitterness at still being alone. I dealt with rejection poorly. I do not know from there this resonates, but it could all be psychological from my early birth?

I partly want to sympathize because I do understand your initial anger. It's hard to deal with. And I understand the whole Ockham's Razor as well--the first time you notice something, the more it appears. I feel and remember your frustration at simply not being chosen.

I don't even have any advice for you, but...you aren't alone in your experience. Just try not to bash the women for having partners who are not you. This is something too I had to learn not to do internally. Envy is a prickly beast to try and overcome, but perhaps try switching to the perspective of being happy for them?

In my experience, when I was least looking for romance and connection, I found it. Right place, right time sort of thing. And I thought it would never happen to me...
 
autism-and-autotune said:
I relate very much to your writing, because this was how I used to think. Even girls who were in relationships that I was not interested in would illicit the same reaction from me--a harsh sort of bitterness at still being alone. I dealt with rejection poorly. I do not know from there this resonates, but it could all be psychological from my early birth?

I partly want to sympathize because I do understand your initial anger. It's hard to deal with. And I understand the whole Ockham's Razor as well--the first time you notice something, the more it appears. I feel and remember your frustration at simply not being chosen.

I don't even have any advice for you, but...you aren't alone in your experience. Just try not to bash the women for having partners who are not you. This is something too I had to learn not to do internally. Envy is a prickly beast to try and overcome, but perhaps try switching to the perspective of being happy for them?

In my experience, when I was least looking for romance and connection, I found it. Right place, right time sort of thing. And I thought it would never happen to me...
Click to expand...
That's actually not how Ockham's Razor would work. Ockham's Razor in this instance would be reasoning that OP cannot gain a girlfriend because he is objectively not attractive to woman. If that is not the case -- that he is objectively attractive to woman -- then the reason would lie elsewhere.
 
rse92 said:
That's actually not how Ockham's Razor would work. Ockham's Razor in this instance would be reasoning that OP cannot gain a girlfriend because he is objectively not attractive to woman. If that is not the case -- that he is objectively attractive to woman -- then the reason would lie elsewhere.
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Whoops, sorry--thanks for correcting me. What's the proper term for the phenomenon, then?
 
@Tony Ramirez

Refusing to interact with women who aren't "unattached" isn't going to help find one who is "unattached".

There's a significant downside too. If anyone in a group (like the yoga class) picks up on what you're doing, it will "magically" increase the number of attached women in the group.
 
I am just tired of talking to woman and they mention their husbands and boyfriends. The worst is when they talk about how they meet. I just don't want to hear it. Especially when I have a crush on them thinking they are single then finding out they are not and I have to hear that from them like from the past Sunday.
 
@Tony Ramirez Have you thought about seeking a relationship with a woman older than you? There's some statistic that women who are 35 or older today will be more likely to live life and die single; many of them not by choice.
 
@Tony Ramirez

There's an indirect message for you in my post #28 above.
Please tell me what you think my use of the word '"magical"' was for, and why I used the double negative 'aren't "unattached"'.

I can't know if you understood what I said, because you have never replied when I've given you advice or hints that might help you a little.

My personal conclusion, because of the fact that you don't follow up on advice, is that you ignore it and/or you select and pay attention only to the input that you want to - which is functionally equivalent to ignoring all the advice you get.

This is a valid choice on your part of course. I answer because I want to. You have no obligation towards me just because I typed a few words here. So I'm happy with the status quo.

On the other hand, you often indicate you'd like to make a big change in your life, and you're having trouble doing so.

It follows that you should pay attention to the advice of people with relevant experience. If you don't understand the context or meaning of the advice you receive, you should ask a follow-up question(s). If you don't see how it would help you achieve your goal, you should ask about that.

If you don't engage with people trying to help, the people best able to help you won't fully engage with you.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
I am just tired of talking to woman and they mention their husbands and boyfriends. The worst is when they talk about how they meet. I just don't want to hear it. Especially when I have a crush on them thinking they are single then finding out they are not and I have to hear that from them like from the past Sunday.
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I understand where you are coming from. When I was younger, I used to have the same initial anger-response which you describe--even if it was around girls who I wasn't necessarily interested in. It just made me feel more lonely and undesired. For me--and possibly for autism in general?--it's the troubled with the possibility of an expectation just not being met. 'Potential' maybe is a better word?

I understand your discouragement, but be careful: too much disdain over this will just make you more bitter and angry and downright unapproachable. Advice which I was once given and didn't understand is this: don't put the idea of a potential relationship so much on a pedestal. I understand how awkward it is to navigate around initial feelings of attraction around women, but maybe if they are viewed more as individual people rather than pursuits....
 
This kind of thing isn't always easy to find via a search engine, but there's a good alternative.
I always start here:

List of cognitive biases - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org

"Cognitive Bias" is the correct term, but it's not the only one, and "clickbaiters", who sometimes provide good information, don't always use the correct terminology. Wikipedia has its faults, but it usually gets the words right, so in cases like this is can paradoxically be better than a search engine.

FWIW this is is for the likes of Occam's Razor:

Philosophical razor - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org

IMO the ones that are most useful in casual discourse are
* Hitchen's Razor (essential if you participate, even a little, in the culture war)
* Alder's Razor (ditto)
* Sagan standard (ditto)
* Hanlon's Razor - this is helpful when you're personally tempted to look for a malicious agent - it makes you think twice. IMO the "never" formulation in that article is too strong - it makes it easier to remember though.
* Occam's Razor is great, but it's often partly misunderstood, so there's a risk of misunderstand and/or misuse

The others are equally good, but harder to deploy in a casual discussion.

e.g. Russel's Teapot: people who don't already understand the idea won't pick it up quickly from Russel's formulation. Everyone needs a way to block people who make things up on the spot, who who think very low probability exceptions are useful on matters regarding people (also absolutely essential in the Culture War) but it shouldn't be use of Russel's Teapot :)

IMO the best modern form of Occam's Razor is this one (from the wikipedia article):
When presented with competing hypotheses about the same prediction, one should prefer the one that requires the fewest assumptions.

That one more-or-less implies the "choose the simplest" version (which in my experience is the most common IRL), but it avoids the slightly ambiguous use of "simplest".

People might skill try to dispute the definition of "assumption", or the relative importance of different assumptions (i.e. the same kind of "sequence attack" that can be used with "simplest"), but these can be handled.
 
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