How can I avoid my new colleagues hating me?

[Emmz]

I start a new job next week for a trade union. I didn't mention my ASD in my application or at interview, but do intend to once I start if I'm given a medical questionnaire to fill in.

I've had a lot of jobs up to this point, and, looking back, there has always at least one colleague in every office who takes a strong dislike to me and makes no attempt to hide her feelings (she's always female, I'm sad to say). This always creates problems for me and I'm pretty sure was at least a factor in me getting sacked on two occasions. I'm scared that this pattern is going to repeat itself.
I'm always too scared to confront the person concerned for fear that I will get stressed, cry and humiliate myself.

Therefore my way of "dealing" with the situation is to stay out of my colleague's way and avoid talking to her as much as possible (but be polite and professional when I have to). This seems to make her hate me even more. There have been occasions when I have discussed the problem with a manager, but they seem to take the view that the situation is my fault for not making more effort to be friendly, so I've never found this helpful.

Any tips on how I can handle this inevitable person once I meet her at my new place?

 

[Tom]

I would not reveal your autism. Especially to make it public. I think UK law is similar to USA law in this, that you are not required to reveal it. Second, imagine that this time will not be the same as others that turned out negatively. Going in positive/optimistic is a better strategy.

If a problem arrises, cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

[Judge]

I would not reveal your autism. Especially to make it public. I think UK law is similar to USA law in this, that you are not required to reveal it. Second, imagine that this time will not be the same as others that turned out negatively. Going in positive/optimistic is a better strategy.

If a problem arrises, cross that bridge when you come to it.

"Need-to-know" only. Start from there.

 

[Mia]

Any tips on how I can handle this inevitable person once I meet her at my new place?

This has happened to me as well. I've actually forced myself to make friends with people who I would IRL consider enemies when I worked (I chose the biggest gossip usually). But limited interaction and didn't become all that close. Many of these people I've found disliked me for petty reasons; I was too extreme, too hyper, too happy, too excited, too much of a 'know it all' in their opinion. In fact this is the real me, I feel extremes at times and behave accordingly. Which people perceive as fake or false.


As for indicating your autism on your medical, there's probably no reason to do so. It would depend on how your particular country and this employer perceive it. And at the beginning that would be difficult to ascertain. If you can you should wait to 'feel out' the general attitudes of the company towards people with autism and then decide. Doing so, might allay any prejudice that you could possibly experience.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Some people just will dislike/hate you no matter what. I wouldn't worry too much about it. You could try confronting her about it by saying, "Did I say or do something to upset you? You sound upset with me." If she then chooses not to tell you and wants to continue to sulk, let her. You're not going to bond with all your coworkers, but you can be polite with them and try to be kind to them.

 

[Pats]

Most my co-workers didn't like me and I never understood why. I always minded my own business and did my job. I was suspended once because one of the nurses who absolutely hated me to the point she and her assistant would go entire shifts not speaking to me (that was okay). But she lied and got me suspended for 3 days. I kept moving up the ladder trying to prove I did not do what she had said and ended up being paid for those 3 days. I still just did my job watching every step so there would be no cause for termination. 15 years and hated every minute.
I think no matter who you are there's always going to be someone you clash with. And don't go in trusting anyone enough to be open because most people are not trustworthy.

 

[Judge]

Coworkers? Some liked me, and some didn't. But I made it a point to invest friendships in those who made a difference in various departments. Effectively insulating me from those who didn't like me personally.

Though I still masked my traits and behaviors and seldom let my guard down. Even with friends and allies.

 

[tducey]

For the most part I've always had a good friendship with my co-workers so hoping you have the same experience. As to revealing your Autism do it only if you're comfortable in doing so.

 

[Progster]

First of all, don't assume that it is inevitable that there will be someone there who will dislike you and cause problems - it is something that could happen, but isn't 100% certain.

I wouldn't tell anyone about your ASD. Try always to be friendly and polite, and concentrate on doing your job well, then if something does come up, you have a good defense, it is them and not you. Just do your best.

I've had various temporary jobs in the past, some where I was distant from my colleagues and nothing at all happened, and others where I had problems. Unfortunately the ones where I had problems are more than the ones where I didn't. On one occasion, there was a colleague (also female) with a lot of influence among the colleagues who made snide/malicious comments about me and wrote nasty emails. I confronted her, and she denied it. A couple of months later, I was told that my contract wasn't being renewed. Since then I don't work for other people, I work for myself.

 

[OkRad]

An uncomfortable social situation that cannot be avoided is so hard, no matter how or where it happens. It happened to me two years ago.

The hardest thing for me was trusting myself that if I was just kind to that person and kept everything else inside, they really DID NOT KNOW how confused I was over the situation.

I felt dishonest, rude, etc etc etc, but we think things more than average. IF you are in your own headspace and can eek out even a few decent , socially acceptable lines, it is usually OK.

I was astonished one day when I was having such a hellacious day and was sure everyone knew and someone came up to me and said, "I really appreciate how you are always so positive and kind to everyone...." :-O!!!! In my head I was thinking "GOD, why can't I live on a desert island and just be alone and calm and not have to be around people all the time?!!!"

It made me realize 1. maybe I could give someone a happy feeling after all. and 2. People really cannot see inside you or infer what you are feeling.

Keep us posted. I really hope things go well

 

[OkRad]

This has happened to me as well. I've actually forced myself to make friends with people who I would IRL consider enemies when I worked (I chose the biggest gossip usually). But limited interaction and didn't become all that close. Many of these people I've found disliked me for petty reasons; I was too extreme, too hyper, too happy, too excited, too much of a 'know it all' in their opinion. In fact this is the real me, I feel extremes at times and behave accordingly. Which people perceive as fake or false.

They also didn't like the idea that I'm more comfortable with men than women and prefer their company. An older sibling detested me, because her boyfriends were much more comfortable 'hanging out with me' than with her. She assumed I was doing something to make them like being around me, I don't flirt or act coy or silly or childish. Perhaps that's the reason.

As for indicating your autism on your medical, there's probably no reason to do so. It would depend on how your particular country and this employer perceive it. And at the beginning that would be difficult to ascertain. If you can you should wait to 'feel out' the general attitudes of the company towards people with autism and then decide. Doing so, might allay any prejudice that you could possibly experience.

I really get your post! I was raised around brothers and hang out with guys a lot, too. Nothing sexual and they are not taking it that way, either. And, the hyperness and also people think you are doing it for a reason when it's just you! Also, of course, you were a gymnast, too, so you are a true Aspie Sister to me there

 

[Emmz]

I would not reveal your autism. Especially to make it public. I think UK law is similar to USA law in this, that you are not required to reveal it.

I'm not required to reveal it, but there are advantages in doing so. I can ask for reasonable adjustments - eg if I find myself in a particularly noisy, busy office then I could ask to be moved somewhere quieter. Also it makes me harder to sack, as if the employer was aware of my condition and dismisses me for a reason related to this, then I could claim discrimination.

 

[Emmz]

If you can you should wait to 'feel out' the general attitudes of the company towards people with autism and then decide. Doing so, might allay any prejudice that you could possibly experience.

It's a union, so the organisation itself is very strong on equality and diversity (a major reason I wanted to work there). But obviously that doesn't mean that all individuals within it will behave like saints all the time.

 

[Emmz]

Since then I don't work for other people, I work for myself.

I agree that autistic people are generally better suited to self-employment. Unfortunately I made the mistake of doing an arts degree, so don't have a marketable skill! (I tried to be a freelance writer / proofreader at one point, but wasn't making enough money to live on.) If I could give one piece of advice to a young person with the condition, it would be to train in a concrete skill so that they have the option of self-employment.

 

[freewaydog]

AND this is why I am looking for part-time job w/ a job coach at a good place where I could do what I like.

 

[Reedstorm17]

If I feel like people are disrespecting me, I try to be nice in return until they realize I'm not going to go off on them and they have no reason to be rude. Fortunately, I haven't had too many situations like this, but there have been a few.

 

[abby normal]

one can only concentrate on doing one's job as best as one can, but one must also document EVERYTHING and try to get witnesses who won't flake out.

 

[Aeolienne]

It's a union, so the organisation itself is very strong on equality and diversity (a major reason I wanted to work there). But obviously that doesn't mean that all individuals within it will behave like saints all the time.

This book may be of interest, as it's written by a union rep (for RMT):
Autism Equality in the Workplace by Janine Booth
I was one of the people interviewed for the book, anonymised as "Lauren, civil servant".

My only quibble with the author is that she has very little to say for people working for employers where trade unions aren't recognised (i.e. the vast majority of British workplaces). It's all very well telling autistic employees to lobby for union recognition, but this could be quite a high-risk strategy if you're on an insecure contract.

 

[Tom Measor]

I've had over 50 jobs in my life time and the reason why is because someone seen me as an easy target to pick on and got pleasure out of humiliating me. Now I stay away from people as quite a lot of them are obnoxious.

 

[AO1501]

One would hope that working for a trade union would help ensure fair, equitable and respectful treatment, but as a trade union officer of many years, I know they can be amongst the most difficult of workplaces.

That said, I would suggest that you not divulge your ASD unless there is a specific reason to do so, such as a circumstance where a behaviour or reaction on your part could be misinterpreted badly without knowing you are on the spectrum, or where reasonable accommodations for you are needed and would otherwise not be available.

The reality is that most employers are far more interested in your work performance and capabilities than they are in your medical diagnoses.

It is not at all certain that you will encounter a troublesome colleague in your new job, though every job has its challenges, but if you do experience problems, the most critical thing to do is to ensure that you document it thoroughly. Trade unions are nothing if not driven by rules and policies, and documenting issues with a colleague will help ensure that if the problem comes to a head, you will be well prepared to take control of outcomes if you need to, through the union's internal procedures.

Good luck!