dark cloud
Well-Known Member
First of all i'm sorry if i make mistakes because English is not my native language.
Second to be honest i don't really know if have Asperger on not. I'm not officially diagnosed but 2 psychologists in the past said i probably have it. My most obvious trait is my lack of eye contact. But i wonder if have it or not for 9 years. Since i was 18 now i am 27.
And to be honest if i have it in real i hate it. Because i can't relate to other autistic people.
I hear so many times about the high intelligence and excellent abilities asperger people have and i feel inferior about my normal IQ intelligence and my normal simple abilities. I spent my whole life thinking i am stupid because i didn't understand how to behave or what to say in social situations and other social difficulties.
I can't relate to autistics in my country i have seen in person because they struggle more than me. They are more dependent than me. I still live with my parents and i don't have a job but i can go to the grocery store alone or hang out with my friends or walk a long distance outside alone or use means of transport or use the social media. I can do the basis of things alone.
But my parents call me lazy because my room is a mess and i don't help with chores in the house. I don't see the point to clean it. I don't have a reason. If i would have visitors (my friends for example) then yes i would clean it.
Same goes for everything. I need a reason to do something and unfortunately due to my depression i don't have motivation and feeling useless without a reason to exist because i don't do anything important in everyday life or something i really like to do. I get bored and distracted easily. I can't even finish a book, series, movie. I have to pressure myself to do it.
I think i might have ADHD as well.
I recently have my own money (not enough to live at my own). The polity give it to me for my autism. It's a disability allowance. I use it to drink alcohol when i go out with my friends. I like alcohol, it's of the few things that i truly enjoy. I like how it makes me feel. More energetic and happy without feelings of social anxiety and shame. I could drink everyday and somedays i do. I drink wine or beer not heavy drinks.
The other thing i like is to hear white noise. I sit in my room everyday with white noise on in high volume from youtube. I love this sound and similar sounds because they make feel safe. It's like they built a wall of safety around me.
Even though i am biologically adult i don't feel like an adult at all. I'm scared to face the world. I'm scared to meet new people or have a job. I don't have the desire either. I'm anxious to have a boyfriend or have sex. Especially sex. I can't without alcohol. I'm still a virgin but when i was 23 (i was drunk) i tried with a boy and it didn't go well and i'm still a virgin. It's not a problem for me probably because of my anxiety in boys. I prefer to masturbate when i have sexual desire unless if i meet a boy and fall in love with him and fall in love with me and we are comfortable together and trust each other.
Even though i don't feel ''too autistic'' i can't relate to non-autistics either. I don't feel like the neurotypical girls. They seem more feminine. They seem to know how to not be awkward. They seem more social, likeable, emotional and capable than me. They have better lifes with more experiences than me. It's okay if they are more feminine and sexual than me because i don't feel too girly. I like to dress with suits. And i prefer to look more aristocratic than sexual. Girls who are not that feminine or sexual end up invisible.
And i used to and still feel invisible without a personality or an identity. If it was sure i was autistic then that would be an identity. I don't relate to autistic characters on movies or series included those whose autism is not mentioned. But i have to admit i relate to the difficulties in social situations.
The only character i relate and love is Squidward from Spongebob. I relate to him especially to his mood of life. I was in love with him when i was a pre-teenager and teenager and i still like him very much. I open pictures of him on my computer everyday and see him for hours. When he is in a new episode i'm stimming with joy. His narcissism and his unrecognizable talents seem cute to me. Sometimes i think he might be autistic because i observe him in all episodes and comics.
Other thing i like is writing. Especially fairytales. I write when i have sudden creativity and imagination. I had this summer, and fortunately i made it to finish the story i imagined. It was a story about an alcoholic prince who wanted to become the best musician and didn't have recognition.
I was thinking Squidward because one of his dreams is to become the best musicial and also doesn't have recognition. And i was thinking of me too because i like alcohol as well just like the character in my story.
Thank you for reading my introduction.
Second to be honest i don't really know if have Asperger on not. I'm not officially diagnosed but 2 psychologists in the past said i probably have it. My most obvious trait is my lack of eye contact. But i wonder if have it or not for 9 years. Since i was 18 now i am 27.
And to be honest if i have it in real i hate it. Because i can't relate to other autistic people.
I hear so many times about the high intelligence and excellent abilities asperger people have and i feel inferior about my normal IQ intelligence and my normal simple abilities. I spent my whole life thinking i am stupid because i didn't understand how to behave or what to say in social situations and other social difficulties.
I can't relate to autistics in my country i have seen in person because they struggle more than me. They are more dependent than me. I still live with my parents and i don't have a job but i can go to the grocery store alone or hang out with my friends or walk a long distance outside alone or use means of transport or use the social media. I can do the basis of things alone.
But my parents call me lazy because my room is a mess and i don't help with chores in the house. I don't see the point to clean it. I don't have a reason. If i would have visitors (my friends for example) then yes i would clean it.
Same goes for everything. I need a reason to do something and unfortunately due to my depression i don't have motivation and feeling useless without a reason to exist because i don't do anything important in everyday life or something i really like to do. I get bored and distracted easily. I can't even finish a book, series, movie. I have to pressure myself to do it.
I think i might have ADHD as well.
I recently have my own money (not enough to live at my own). The polity give it to me for my autism. It's a disability allowance. I use it to drink alcohol when i go out with my friends. I like alcohol, it's of the few things that i truly enjoy. I like how it makes me feel. More energetic and happy without feelings of social anxiety and shame. I could drink everyday and somedays i do. I drink wine or beer not heavy drinks.
The other thing i like is to hear white noise. I sit in my room everyday with white noise on in high volume from youtube. I love this sound and similar sounds because they make feel safe. It's like they built a wall of safety around me.
Even though i am biologically adult i don't feel like an adult at all. I'm scared to face the world. I'm scared to meet new people or have a job. I don't have the desire either. I'm anxious to have a boyfriend or have sex. Especially sex. I can't without alcohol. I'm still a virgin but when i was 23 (i was drunk) i tried with a boy and it didn't go well and i'm still a virgin. It's not a problem for me probably because of my anxiety in boys. I prefer to masturbate when i have sexual desire unless if i meet a boy and fall in love with him and fall in love with me and we are comfortable together and trust each other.
Even though i don't feel ''too autistic'' i can't relate to non-autistics either. I don't feel like the neurotypical girls. They seem more feminine. They seem to know how to not be awkward. They seem more social, likeable, emotional and capable than me. They have better lifes with more experiences than me. It's okay if they are more feminine and sexual than me because i don't feel too girly. I like to dress with suits. And i prefer to look more aristocratic than sexual. Girls who are not that feminine or sexual end up invisible.
And i used to and still feel invisible without a personality or an identity. If it was sure i was autistic then that would be an identity. I don't relate to autistic characters on movies or series included those whose autism is not mentioned. But i have to admit i relate to the difficulties in social situations.
The only character i relate and love is Squidward from Spongebob. I relate to him especially to his mood of life. I was in love with him when i was a pre-teenager and teenager and i still like him very much. I open pictures of him on my computer everyday and see him for hours. When he is in a new episode i'm stimming with joy. His narcissism and his unrecognizable talents seem cute to me. Sometimes i think he might be autistic because i observe him in all episodes and comics.
Other thing i like is writing. Especially fairytales. I write when i have sudden creativity and imagination. I had this summer, and fortunately i made it to finish the story i imagined. It was a story about an alcoholic prince who wanted to become the best musician and didn't have recognition.
I was thinking Squidward because one of his dreams is to become the best musicial and also doesn't have recognition. And i was thinking of me too because i like alcohol as well just like the character in my story.
Thank you for reading my introduction.
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