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Hi my name is Catherine (long post)

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by dark cloud, Jan 13, 2022.

  1. dark cloud

    dark cloud Active Member V.I.P Member

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    First of all i'm sorry if i make mistakes because English is not my native language.
    Second to be honest i don't really know if have Asperger on not. I'm not officially diagnosed but 2 psychologists in the past said i probably have it. My most obvious trait is my lack of eye contact. But i wonder if have it or not for 9 years. Since i was 18 now i am 27.

    And to be honest if i have it in real i hate it. Because i can't relate to other autistic people.
    I hear so many times about the high intelligence and excellent abilities asperger people have and i feel inferior about my normal IQ intelligence and my normal simple abilities. I spent my whole life thinking i am stupid because i didn't understand how to behave or what to say in social situations and other social difficulties.

    I can't relate to autistics in my country i have seen in person because they struggle more than me. They are more dependent than me. I still live with my parents and i don't have a job but i can go to the grocery store alone or hang out with my friends or walk a long distance outside alone or use means of transport or use the social media. I can do the basis of things alone.

    But my parents call me lazy because my room is a mess and i don't help with chores in the house. I don't see the point to clean it. I don't have a reason. If i would have visitors (my friends for example) then yes i would clean it.
    Same goes for everything. I need a reason to do something and unfortunately due to my depression i don't have motivation and feeling useless without a reason to exist because i don't do anything important in everyday life or something i really like to do. I get bored and distracted easily. I can't even finish a book, series, movie. I have to pressure myself to do it.

    I think i might have ADHD as well.

    I recently have my own money (not enough to live at my own). The polity give it to me for my autism. It's a disability allowance. I use it to drink alcohol when i go out with my friends. I like alcohol, it's of the few things that i truly enjoy. I like how it makes me feel. More energetic and happy without feelings of social anxiety and shame. I could drink everyday and somedays i do. I drink wine or beer not heavy drinks.

    The other thing i like is to hear white noise. I sit in my room everyday with white noise on in high volume from youtube. I love this sound and similar sounds because they make feel safe. It's like they built a wall of safety around me.

    Even though i am biologically adult i don't feel like an adult at all. I'm scared to face the world. I'm scared to meet new people or have a job. I don't have the desire either. I'm anxious to have a boyfriend or have sex. Especially sex. I can't without alcohol. I'm still a virgin but when i was 23 (i was drunk) i tried with a boy and it didn't go well and i'm still a virgin. It's not a problem for me probably because of my anxiety in boys. I prefer to masturbate when i have sexual desire unless if i meet a boy and fall in love with him and fall in love with me and we are comfortable together and trust each other.

    Even though i don't feel ''too autistic'' i can't relate to non-autistics either. I don't feel like the neurotypical girls. They seem more feminine. They seem to know how to not be awkward. They seem more social, likeable, emotional and capable than me. They have better lifes with more experiences than me. It's okay if they are more feminine and sexual than me because i don't feel too girly. I like to dress with suits. And i prefer to look more aristocratic than sexual. Girls who are not that feminine or sexual end up invisible.

    And i used to and still feel invisible without a personality or an identity. If it was sure i was autistic then that would be an identity. I don't relate to autistic characters on movies or series included those whose autism is not mentioned. But i have to admit i relate to the difficulties in social situations.

    The only character i relate and love is Squidward from Spongebob. I relate to him especially to his mood of life. I was in love with him when i was a pre-teenager and teenager and i still like him very much. I open pictures of him on my computer everyday and see him for hours. When he is in a new episode i'm stimming with joy. His narcissism and his unrecognizable talents seem cute to me. Sometimes i think he might be autistic because i observe him in all episodes and comics.

    Other thing i like is writing. Especially fairytales. I write when i have sudden creativity and imagination. I had this summer, and fortunately i made it to finish the story i imagined. It was a story about an alcoholic prince who wanted to become the best musician and didn't have recognition.
    I was thinking Squidward because one of his dreams is to become the best musicial and also doesn't have recognition. And i was thinking of me too because i like alcohol as well just like the character in my story.

    Thank you for reading my introduction.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2022
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  2. Suzette

    Suzette Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hello, welcome! You will meet all kinds of autistics here with many different abilities and support needs so you will find others you can relate to! We are a friendly bunch too. Stick around and lets get to know each other.
     
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  3. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi and welcome. We are all different, but you described some core aspects of autism in your post, particularly your difficulties with social interaction and relating to others. Most people here would relate to that area of challenges, I think. Most of us tend to be slow developers too.

    Plenty here have gone on to find jobs or careers we feel ok or happy with, and to find a relationship, if we want one. It generally takes us longer, for sure.

    I hope you enjoy it here and find it supportive.

    :spiralshell::spoutingwhale::spiralshell::whale::spiralshell::dolphin::spiralshell:
     
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  4. KOZMOZIS @realchrisharold

    KOZMOZIS @realchrisharold Wall Street Apprentice

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    The truth is Catherine: it doesn’t really matter if you have it or not. It just matters if you have the audacity to be yourself in this lifetime and the next one after that!
     
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  5. Sarah S

    Sarah S Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Catherine dear first welcome

    As the others have already said i of course agree with the above statements.

    Like you when i came i here i too questioned my own ASD diagnose (i got mien early to mid-thirty `s, that is they finally found it and documented it as i obviously had it from birth. and i have been treated and regarded as a retard from before preschool and im still not as others and i will never be this either.im me its that simple

    Like i have said many times in here all NP diagnosis are highly individual and as some members in here told me when i came in here. You can't, nor should you compare youre self against others with this or any diagnose.

    Reg, you suspect you also have ADHD. There are many co morbid diagnosis under ASD and ADHD is most definitely one of the most common diagnoses and today its more the norm that if you have ASD or ADHD you most likely may have the other as well. But of course, only an evaluation can determine this.

    Oh, and reg the virgin as am i so that's not anything you need to worry about it happens if it does and if not well ...

    And reg you feel like as less adult as do i. my mental age is belive it or not (thru serios and valid tests 5- 9 (adaptive and cognitive) i stopped developing from 3 `th grade & i don't have any problems accepting this either i am who i am or have what diagnosis & other problems i have. I haven't chosen to be born with either of this diagnosis or problems.

    And last you be YOU Catherine if others have problems accepting you as you then that's their problem so dress as YOU feel not as what other women /young girl's dress.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2022
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  6. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi Catherine.

    No need to apologise for your English. I live in France and could not write in French as well as you do in English, so therefore, you do a great job, since it is not your first language.

    I doubted that I was on the spectrum, because I am not a genius. But, amazingly got my diagnosis for moderate to severe asd, based on the fact that I have extreme social anxiety and agoraphobia.

    I learned an expression on her: you meet one aspie..... you meet one aspie! In other words, just like neurotypicals, who not the same, neither are we. But, the basic elements are the same, such as difficulty in social situations and eye contact. Taking things literally, obsessions and so forth.

    I met a guy once who is on the spectrum and found him difficult to talk to, despite me being on the spectrum.

    It is somewhat a misnomber that we should get on with each other absolutely. Surely that would make us more robotic than human?

    When I first came here, I was no diagnosed and felt very welcomed.
     
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  7. Nitro

    Nitro Admin/Immoral Turpitude Staff Member Admin V.I.P Member

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    welcome to af.png
     
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  8. iamlindsaythatisall

    iamlindsaythatisall Tomorrow's just your future yesterday V.I.P Member

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    Welcome, Catherine!

    Being that I’m self-diagnosed, I feel a lot of doubt, as well. My brother is officially diagnosed and has more support needs, so I get to comparing myself to him and others on the spectrum a lot. I think a lot of us do. I think you’ll find lots of people in similar situations to you :)

    I also used alcohol A LOT to feel just… better. I couldn’t do anything social unless I had a drink or 7. I still struggle with it sometimes. You’re definitely not alone there :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2022
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  9. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    Welcome.



    :)
     
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  10. Forest Cat

    Forest Cat Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have just been here for a few days myself, so I`m a newbie but I`ll say welcome anyway. English isn`t my native language either, I think you are doing fine, I understood everything you wrote. :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2022
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  11. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    Welcome. First of all, you write well and clearly get your ideas across. I think your introspection is a good thing.

    Your social skills description sounds like what many here struggle with. With sex, many have the same desires as NTs but lack the social skills to realize that basic human need. My journey has descended into some PTSD because of my social and sexual isolation that I was able to overcome. I figure that I was at least a full decade behind my age in social maturity at age 25. And, all this was decades before I was diagnosed.

    You would think that my being able to overcome such poor social skills, finally losing my virginity at 28 and entering into a relationship that has lasted 44 years would compensate for those old feelings of being inferior, but I still struggle and now recognize that I am not that person anymore. And, I did that without any help, which I could have used. The lesson is that:
    • Social maturity will eventually catch up, even as we still have some deficits.
    • It only takes one person who is accepting to alter the social trajectory of one's life for the better.
    • Sometimes it is just luck and, as with NTs, finding compatibility and harmony is a numbers game.
    And like you I have struggled with my apparent intelligence. Because I can synthesize things from my knowledge and experience people thought I was normal, but internally I always felt I was running just to keep up with people I thought were smarter. My workaround was when I realized that many of those people hoarded their knowledge like it is a precious commodity. So, instead, I would freely share my knowledge and experienced and gained influence. (influence is valuable social currency)

    The working on oneself does not stop.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2022
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  12. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  13. VictorR

    VictorR Random Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome! Finding oneself is a commonly encountered theme for many.
     
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  14. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to the forums Dark Cloud.

    Your post was excellent and very well described.
    I related to a lot of the things you mentioned.
    White noise being calming, not feeling feminine or dressing as such, depression preventing
    me from wanting to do things. Although, I am allergic to dust, so that is my incentive to clean my
    room.

    Sensory issues and the social difficulties of course are very common.
    Sex? Meh. Nothing great IMO. But, I am romantic Asexual. I'm a lot older now too and don't care
    at all where that is concerned. Don't worry about it. I don't feel I've missed out on anything.
    I lived with my parents all my life until I lost both of them.
    I can't live independently, nor do I get enough money to do so either, so I rent two rooms and a bath
    from an elderly man who has a big house and I help him as I can.
    I do drive and worked in pharmaceuticals until I became disabled.

    I find being here really helps with feelings of loneliness and we all learn from each other.
    Hope you find it as satisfying as I have. Glad you joined. :hibiscus:
     
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  15. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    Welcome Dark Cloud/Catherine! I think we are a friendly group, and I am sure you will find much in common with other members. Also your English is fine, and you wrote a good introduction.
     
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