Hi...help needed!

[rain dancer]

Hi all
I am an NT and married to a self diagnosed Aspie. We've been married for 32 years! It has always been a difficult ride but I have been able to busy myself with bringing up our children. But they have left home now and things just seem so much more difficult with just the two of us.
Don't get me wrong I understand my husbands need for space and I have learnt over the years that if I want a life I need to make one for myself, so I have my own hobbies and friends and I accept that he doesn't like socialising so I don't ever expect him to come out with my friends and their partners. He has his own hobbies too and does whatever he wants to do.
He gets very depressed in the winter, I think he has SAD so I bought him a light box, but the light is no good as it seems he has light sensitivity as well.
He copes in the winter with drinking more alcohol than he should and keeping himself even more to himself.
I try really hard not to say anything to upset him but he has a wonderful way of twisting anything I say around, then saying that I am causing problems. I read up about face blindness and I think he suffers from this too. I am a nice person and I only ever intend to be nice but he will read a lot of things I do or say as nasty, and I find this really upsetting! When I try to explain that he has got it wrong he does not believe me and I end up getting angry and upset, which just feeds into his belief!
I have read loads on Aspergers to try to change the way I do things so that I don't upset him but It's really tough, so any advice, help, suggestions would be great.
Rain Dancer

 

[photoaddict]

I'm sorry the light didn't help. I have a cousin who uses one and has found it quite helpful. I've never tried one because my issue with this time of year is actually more related to the chaos of the holidays than it is to winter. I just get so overwhelmed by all that's going on and, as much as I love decorations, they feel like clutter that add to that feeling of being totally overwhelmed.

I don't know what to say really, to him twisting your words. There's not much *you* can do. He is the one reading you wrong. I know that I tend to take a negative spin on things, especially with someone who has been negative to me a lot in the past, but that's totally *my* problem. I have to see it and make a choice to be better about it. I had to be called out on the behavior to see it, but I don't think you can be the one to do that, since you're the person he's misinterpreting. In my case, my mom called me on it, for my attitude toward someone else (someone who's hurt me more times than I can count, so I tend to be distrustful).

Face blindness is awful. It can be so humiliating! Growing up, I remember going to the store with my mom and splitting up to look at different things, only to have this moment of terror when I realized that I didn't know what she was wearing that day because I hadn't paid attention. I knew I had no hope of actually recognizing her and *needed* to know what shirt she had on, if I was going to find her. I generally ended up just waiting for her to approach me because I recognized her voice and mannerisms. And I can recognize people up close, just not from across the room. I have photographic memory, so it's really confusing for people that I can just see things and describe them in great detail, but I can rarely describe a face and struggle to recognize them.

Would he be at all receptive if, at a time when he's not already frustrated or upset, you asked him what he thinks you could do to make things better between you? Like, "I know that I come across wrong a lot, so I wondered if there was a change I could make that would show my true intent better?"

 

[Kari Suttle]

Alcohol is a depressant if i remember right, it will only make him feel worse. Of course i say that yet i've never touched a drop of it, just had a lesson about it in Psychology class once. I assume since he isn't social he isn't into the outdoors either, so simply going outside if its nice out may not work. I don't have SAD but i do get depressed easy, its apart of both family history and being an aspie. I find that at least with regular depression your mindset matters just as much as your environment does. When you're feeling like that you have to want to help yourself feel better and even if you don't fully want to, do things that you know will help you out some.

Anyways, i don't know if there's much you can do about his taking everything you say wrong. Have you brought it up to him when things are calm and fine before? If so he could just be reading you wrong, but i would think after 32 years of marriage he would have learned to read you better. But then again even two years later there is one supervisor, who I've had since i got hired, who i still can't read and routinely end up just assuming they're always a little annoyed with me cause i just can't tell if they are or if they're just a serious person overall.

 

[rain dancer]

Thank you Kari and Photoaddict for your replies, it is so good to get feedback from people who understand Aspergers. My husband has learnt to get along with people in his workplace, he works on his own which helps and he has known the other workers for a long time and so feels comfortable as he has learnt their ways. He works outside too, although this year he is working inside a lot which is having a real impact.
I think he builds up all of his frustrations through the day and where his coping mechanisms last him through the day, he doesn't have a lot left when he gets home. So letting his guard down to chill his mind when he is at home, he wants things to be how he wants them, which I get and I respect. We spend the evenings in separate rooms as he likes to chill on his own, I busy myself with my hobbies so I'm ok with that.
I am quite a chatty person and have learnt to ask questions of him as he doesn't come forward with a lot of stuff, you know not so good at communicating unless he is in the mood too. He has said that he sometimes feels like he is being interrogated so I have to be careful how I word things! When he is at his worst I don't ask questions because I know he will get my intention wrong. But it's a very quiet household then. He does love to hear all about my day, but doesn't get that I like to hear about his. It's the communication bit that gets difficult and I need to remember that when he is tired it's not going to happen, but then he thinks I am being difficult because I am quiet! It's a difficult balance to get right. And even us NTs get tired too, it's hard work trying to get it right all the time. Perhaps I am trying too hard and should learn to chill myself!
Since finding out about Aspergers, which was only a couple of months ago due to our relationship deteriorating, I have spoken to the Autism helpline, firstly to check if my husband really does fit in to the spectrum and it's very clear that he does. Also to get any coping strategies and to make changes to be as helpful as possible. We have chatted about it and discussed possible things I could do or say to help him, but we have tried several things and they have ended up not working and causing more tension. But at least we are trying. Although he has now started to say that he is tired of trying, and I have got caught in the trap of feeling that it's all my fault as I am trying to fix things and just end up making them worse!
I really like your idea Photoaddict of putting the question "I know I come across......." and I am going to try this out.
I will keep trying, I am in this 'for better, for worse'. I just hope he is too!

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome

Some good advice has already been shared here, so I don't feel I have much more to add on that subject. I'm not really familiar with SAD, but would moving to a warmer climate help the situation at all? I'm unsure if that's a possibility that you two would be prepared for though; especially if you're quite comfortable living where you are.

I don't know if any of these are helpful, but thought I'd share them, just in case.

Resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

Different Together: Different Together Community For Partners of People Affected by Asperger Syndrome

Dr. Tony Attwood: Home

 

[rain dancer]

Thank you for the links Vanilla this is really helpful.

There is lots of books out here now for NTs to learn about Aspergers, which is great. Are there any books out there for Aspergers to learn about NTs?

Then as I read and learn about my hubby he could read and learn about me!!!

 

[Rocco]

Welcome aboard
Good on you for being an understanding partner. Would that more NTs were this way

 

[rain dancer]

Thank you for the beautiful picture Rocco and your kind words

 

[NlGHTgirl]

Welcome

Some good advice has already been shared here, so I don't feel I have much more to add on that subject. I'm not really familiar with SAD, but would moving to a warmer climate help the situation at all? I'm unsure if that's a possibility that you two would be prepared for though; especially if you're quite comfortable living where you are.

I don't know if any of these are helpful, but thought I'd share them, just in case.

Resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

Different Together: Different Together Community For Partners of People Affected by Asperger Syndrome

Dr. Tony Attwood: Home

Too much SAD light can make a person feel anxious. (must get the time correct). It's not necessarily moving to a "warmer" climate, but a more sunny climate that may help? FL might have too many cloudy days. I read Barbara and Ken Kearns "Owner Built Home", based on some statistics in there, I am excited about Colorado! I am curious about the potential of snowy climates, because in my humble opinion, the light can reflect greatly off the fresh white snow! Of course, It probably MOSTLY has something to do with the Earth Axis tilt in relation to the sun, the closer to the equator the less SAD?

Good luck! This time of year is so difficult for so many people!

I do so miss the sunshine! I try to find ways to get more!........ So cold outside,.........aw..... I'm going to build a sunny south facing porch/gazebo project some day......