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Hi everyone, newbie here!

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Stella Nordica, Sep 25, 2020.

  1. Stella Nordica

    Stella Nordica Member

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    I registered, I think, last weekend, had troubles with the confirmation email, retried it a couple of times until it finally worked. Since then, I have been reading and exploring, trying to figure out where I am now and whether or not I would feel comfy here. But I guess you never you until you try.

    So here’s some hard facts about me:

    I’m 45, not (yet) diagnosed but interested in the Autism sprectrum since I was a teenager. Long story, let’s just say I only knew the more severe cases with several side diagnoses, so I never fully related myself to it.

    About a year ago, I was recommended videos on youtube about Autism, Apergers and a lot more. My resting interest grew, I watched them with interest but still couldn’t relate that much to it.

    However, I’ve been dealing with this “alien” feeling all my life, had some very typical symptoms and traits as a child (some were treated by ergo, others ignored or put aside because back in the 1970s/1980s everyone might have connected them to a severe illness I had as a baby), some still remain.

    And I’ve always had a hard time keeping a job for a longer time, no matter what I did.

    During lockdown, I realised that, contrary to almost everyone around me, I truly enjoyed working from home and being on my own all day without seeing anyone. In some ways, it was almost a relief. Finally I could be myself without restraint.

    Last year, I had the holidays of my life time, and that finally gave me the needed ego boost in interaction with my team manager. It also enabled me dive back into one of my oldest special interests. I came back and was changed. I was finally feeling fulfilled, myself, and could go on a bit better.

    However, a few smaller things happened in the last few months, and at one point I was reminded that I knew someone in the managing are of a local group for Autistic people. I asked her for a confidential talk and quite bluntly blurted out the question if they could see me on the spectrum.


    The answer was neither a “100 per cent YES, of course you are” nor a laugh in the lines of “how silly, how did you come to this conclusion, of course you’re NOT” but rather a “there’s a good chance you are, though I would say that you’re quite high functioning”. They have no idea how much of that is masking!

    I’ve forgotten which online test it was but it was one where they say that you’re probably on the spectrum if you scored 32 points or above. I scored 35.

    I am not yet sure where I journey will lead me, whether or not I would want the official diagnosis. So far, I am willing to learn what it means, some strategies to cope with everyday situations and get to know others who feel similar.

    However, in the last few weeks and months, I have discovered that I quite like the label “Autist” and that I can relate to the autistic world more than to the NT’s world. So I hope you’ll still accept me in your ranks and files.

    Looking forward to getting to know you!


    PS: Sorry for the rant! Sometimes, I simply can't stop myself and get quite wordy!
     
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  2. Sarah S

    Sarah S Well-Known Member

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    Warm welcome to the site Stella :)

    Dont worry it was a great intro dear ;)
     
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  3. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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  4. lateundiagnosed

    lateundiagnosed Member

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    best to describe yourself and give everyone an idea what's happening in your life like that. good job, welcome. im 59 and bipolar, i just haven't been tested for autism but i have similar traits.
     
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  5. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to Autism Forums!
     
  6. HeroOfHyrule

    HeroOfHyrule Chicken Chaser

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    Welcome to the site, Stella!

    Don't worry about how long your intro is, yours wasn't that long and I'm glad you can feel comfortable sharing all of that with us.
     
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  7. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    A lot of us are older, self diagnosed and some aren't 100% sure, so you fit in just fine.

    But about rank and files... I love those! Something very satisfying about making patterned arrangements. I have collected Toy Soldiers since childhood and still enjoy setting them all up in new patterns.

    But this has to be the ultimate collection.

    Terracotta-Warriors-Army-728x582.jpg

    I wonder if the first emperor of China, Qin Shi Huang was on the spectrum? Well since he was emperor lets call it the Celestial Spectrum of Seven Golden Harmonies.

    ;)
     
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  8. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!
     
  9. Stella Nordica

    Stella Nordica Member

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    Thanks to everyone who welcomed me so far! It means a lot to me that you accept me here and react so lovingly despite not being diagnosed (yet). I've hardly ever felt this kind of acceptance and frindship apart from my special interest groups I belonged to. Usually I'm "the square thing in the round hole", trying to fit in somehow.
     
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  10. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi and welcome, it sounds like you are in the zone of autism. Take care how open you decide to be at work, it's a very misunderstood area, and people often think less of us as workers if we mention it. Give it some time to settle, if you do get diagnosed. I hope you enjoy it here and find it useful and supportive.

    :airplane::runner::rocket::snowboarder::helicopter::rowboat::sailboat::surfer::speedboat::walking::bluecar:
     
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  11. Stella Nordica

    Stella Nordica Member

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    Thanks a lot, Thinx. I know exactly what you mean about being open at work. It's one of the points I'm struggling with at the moment. You see, my team lead has some very fixed ideas about how to live one's life and what to do on holidays etc. There have also been issues with me struggling with their way of critism culture. Instead of accepting, saying "I'll think of that next time and will be more cautious and attentive", I tended to defend myself and tried to understand completely where my mistake was. In addivtion, I am overly sensitive and couldn't stop myself from crying in front of the people who gave me feedback. Embarrassing, I can tell you.

    Plus, there's this attention deficite and in each and every development meeting, my team lead would ask me to show her some ways to help them help me. I think it might be a good thing to tell them (at least my direct lead) eventually but I'm not at that point yet.

    I have made a file with several names and my current decision on whether or not I will tell them about it. I think that file keeps the impulse under control to go and tell everyone.
     
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  12. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I need new glasses - when I first seen the picture I thought it was a corn field. lol
     
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  13. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Don't count on others to decide whether you are or are not on the spectrum. No one knows you like you and no one knows what you're feeling on the inside when you're trying to mask - they've just seen the mask. Hello and welcome.
     
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  14. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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  15. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    [​IMG] (1:1 is a difficult scale to collect in... [​IMG])
     
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  16. VAW

    VAW Well-Known Member

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    Hello Stella Nordica, Welcome to the Forum!
     
  17. VictorR

    VictorR Random Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome!
     
  18. Stella Nordica

    Stella Nordica Member

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    Thanks for the welcome to the next round of friendly people!

    @Pats - I'm just on the journey getting to know me better. Trying to forgive myself for not having the same amount of energy and capacity my friends have... learning to accept my boundaries. Now that I realise where they come from, it's easier but I honestly am still on the beginning steps of the journey to an improved me. ;)

    @Crossbreed - 1) you're right. See my post in "what does your name/avatar mean" and 2) thanks for the link will have a look at it.:blush:
     
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  19. Sarah S

    Sarah S Well-Known Member

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    Thats my storry as well Stella from VERY little to now :rolleyes: and i would say the majority of us share that experience one way or another. :(:rolleyes:
     
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  20. Jonn

    Jonn Active Member

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    Welcome, Stella,

    I have ADD and it is a pain.

    Regarding telling people at work, I am not sure that is the best idea for everyone.
    I have never masked, btw.
    I was just the weird guy, who enjoyed his individuality.

    I only became fully aware of the how important my autism was in my life at age 40.
    Since then, I have embraced being on the spectrum.
    I see it as a plus, in many areas.

    BTW, I think it is great that you break up your writing with spaces.
    Much better for people with semi-dyslexia such as me. ;)