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HELP! NT needs to learn Aspie Language!

sisselcakes said:
Your response to my response made me laugh. "Gems plucked from the mouth of God." Ha ha ha. This may be particularly true of him because he does have a flair of arrogance, believing most people are inferior to him in knowledge. I'm kind of the same and find that trait attractive to an extent unless it's directed at me!

Good thing I have a pretty healthy sense of humor. That has gotten me through a lot of frustrations. In fact, this is something I appreciate about my bf. He's quite the cynic, but not in a depressing way, and cracks me up. We have similar senses of humor.

Great idea about converting emotions to logic, in terms of the consequences and string of events they create. That may work over time. Maybe I can explain it to him in terms he will understand - Hillary Clinton talking about global warming. That would send him over the edge and his comments about health do the same for me. I will acknowledge the reasons he feels the need to teach me: because he cares about me, and I appreciate that.

I love his interest in politics, even though we disagree on many things and his rigidity sometimes drives me crazy, because he is always up for intelligent, mind-stimulating conversation.

Your comments led me to an epiphany. My boyfriend has trouble empathizing with people whom he sees as "wrong", so he doesn't "get" how I can see the food/fitness thing from a different perspective or how it is annoying. Once when I rear-ended a guy, who turned out to be an ex-con slimeball, my bf came to my rescue and dealt with the guy. At the time my bf said they guy was lying about the damage to his car and it wasn't worth "&)&)(&!)". Later when the guy called me to ask for more money and made what seemed to me to be a veiled threat, my bf seemed to take his side and I was so hurt that he wasn't supporting me. BUT he was looking at the black and white rules/law. I was in the wrong. He later showed empathy when I broke down crying. It's like he melted and gave me a big hug.

Thanks for your feedback. It's invaluable, really. I've said before and I'll say it again. This site is better than therapy!
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You are welcome sisselcakes ,you sound like you already are pretty good at figuring this stuff out, I think you will do okay.:)

Best wishes Maelstrom
 
Myway said:
Hate to break it to you, but you will never fully be part of his world. You are not an Aspie, so it will be hard to lean his language. It is doable though. We have a separate culture than you. In our culture, it is the "weird" things we say, do, and think that make us who we are. Everyone in our culture is different, just like in your culture, but we are bound by common interests and a language that helps us understand each other, but yet makes it hard for the outside world to understand us. You may never fully understand, but I would recommend that you learn as much as you can about his interests, learn the language of those interests, and think logically about those interests. I know it may be hard for you to think "logically" about something, but try your best. We are logical thinkers and we do take things very literally. Our language has no hidden agenda, so try to make yours match that. Good news is that if you learn from us here and practice what we tell you, then your relationship will get better and you will find yourself understanding him more and more with each passing day. Good luck. If you have questions to ask me, please feel free to PM me. I will be happy to help. I am an Aspie and I help NTs everyday learn about Aspies and their culture and language. Hope this helped even a little bit.
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Myway,


Wow. I am blown away in how insightful you answer was. I am NT and my husband recently self diagnosed himself with AS. I found this website a couple days ago. I am so happy I have! I have so much to learn about Asperger's and this site have helped me to better understand my husband and a deep and more personal way.

I struggle big time with communicating by logic only .I have been married for over 6 1/2 years to a AS partner and I'm now starting to realize how hard it's been for him to deal with my emotional conversations.

I used to think he was just being rude, arrogant, a know it all, blunt, mean Jerk! I know better now and I was so wrong! He was just being honest and factual.

I have always until more lately like to communicate or felt I could only communicate with deep emotional conversations. This is hard for many NT people to handle about me. I didn't really realize until learning about my husband having AS how much my husband really loved me in areas I didn't think he cared or if at all about do to his slience, or little to no emotional answers that were non sympathetic. ( or so it seemed).

I based my experiences, my decisions, my moods, my attitude, my feelings to be the whole based on how I lived my life.

I want to change that. I've come to realize I have to think more logically and that doesn't mean I still can't feel and have emotions. I want to learn to control my need to always talk about my feeling and others feelings. And I really want to not be so sensitive and have my feelings hurt so easily. I want to take constructive criticism without being affended or hurt. This really sucks because I am probably the worse kind of match for a AS person

The the fact remains my husband loves me and is here for me and I want to be here for him.
 
Yeah. It can be hard at times. I get that. We aren't always the easiest people to understand. You have to try to see things from our viewpoint in order to see things the way we do. It seems like you have recognized something that needs changing. I hope you can make those changes. If you have questions or need further answers, then PM me. I will answer any question you have, for the most part. Hang in there. You are doing great.
 
Maelstrom said:
You are welcome sisselcakes ,you sound like you already are pretty good at figuring this stuff out, I think you will do okay.:)

Best wishes Maelstrom
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I've been thinking of you ever since this happened and been meaning to write back because I really appreciate the insights you gave me.

I thought about trying to turn an emotional explanation into a logical one, as you suggested. This was related to his frequent comments on my exercise and eating habits. He says one thing, possibly out of concern for my health and because he thinks he is such a repository of wisdom and knowledge, that he has to save me from myself; but it comes across as nagging, controlling, and critical.

I decided that if I explained the consequence this has on our relationship, maybe he would get that. Cause and effect, if you will. So, the last time this issue came up, I calmly (I normally have my own meltdown in this situation) said I realized he doesn't completely buy into my "assessment" of AS, but that I had joined a forum to help me understand him better because he has some similarities.

I mentioned my fave comment of yours about "gems plucked from lips of God" to which he got a cute smirk on his face because, clearly, he could relate. He knows it's true! I proceeded to explain that when he makes these comments, it kills the love I feel for him. I said that the connection I feel for him gets broken a little bit. I saw something different on his face then. I think something "clicked". He didn't say a peep about these themes for about three weeks.

We had a bit of a relapse last night but I hope we can get back on track. It's very hard to be the recipient of certain comments, even when you understand they may not be intended to come across the way I interpret them.

Hope you are well, and just wanted to say again that your perspective has been really helpful for me. Love this site and the people on here. It's good stuff.
 
I hope it goes well for you:) my best wishes to you both.

I am alive...for now...things could be worse.
 
sisselcakes said:
I like that attitude! I've got a remember to remind myself of that :)
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Actually you are better than me on these things ....I should try harder....sitting in the corner never made anything better....I wish I didn't get so much aspie tiredness.
 
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