Help! My wife (aspie) wants to divorce me...

[Lemuel]

My wife has AS (text book example) and OCD (diagnosed) and i suspect that i have AS as well (not diagnosed though). But at the beginning we didn't know that - we just knew that others perceived us as very unusual. First we gotten along just fine and we really love each other. But then we started to think that neither of us is normal and we tried desperately changing the other person. It was mainly because of societal pressure.

My wife started to think that there was something wrong with her and that there was something wrong with me - mainly because that's the way OTHERS perceived us. And since she has no friends (but desperately desires friends and social status) she thought that in order to gain friends she has to act and behave in the way that other people do. So she tried changing herself and she tried changing me. (We are in a very small, rural village and people here have no idea about AS - they know my wife and know that she is very weird, but harmless, but they don't know me and and almost label me a criminal just cause i am socially withdrawn, avoid eye contact, talk in a way people can't understand etc. - and since i am a stranger to them they regard me as a criminal or something).
So they constantly tell my wife how extremely suspicious i am and that she should divorce me. And because she wants to be friends with them she doesn't dare disagree with them (she isn't particularly good in arguing with people or standing up for herself anyway). So instead she relays those accusations to me, and i then can't understand her behavior, feel hurt and try to change her - but she feels hurt and can't handle it if i try to change her, just like i feel hurt and can't handle it if she tries to change me. So one day she suddenly left and returned to her parents and took our daughter with her. I haven't seen either of them since then. And she went to court to take away all my possessions, money, car and throws me out of our house. Actually it's not really her doing this. It's her parents who suggested it and she just goes along with it cause she thinks that i would be the reason why she has social problems etc..

So, what can i do? I have to make her realize that the only reason why it didn't work out between us is that we didn't accept the other the way they are. But she doesn't listen to me anymore since thanks to her NT parents she thinks there is something wrong with me. )-:

 

[smithgirl656]

i would really like to help you but i'm not sure how. i mean the most you can do is try and talk to her even if she won't listen, ask her to remember that you do love each other. try and get her to see that even though you are different than others you are the same as her. but whatever you do don't raise your voice or anything when you talk to her, don't accuse her of things, that will lead to a fight. do you see a therapist or something because i'm sure they could help too. i hope i helped a little bit.

 

[Sean2222]

My wife has AS (text book example) and OCD (diagnosed) and i suspect that i have AS as well (not diagnosed though). But at the beginning we didn't know that - we just knew that others perceived us as very unusual. First we gotten along just fine and we really love each other. But then we started to think that neither of us is normal and we tried desperately changing the other person. It was mainly because of societal pressure.

My wife started to think that there was something wrong with her and that there was something wrong with me - mainly because that's the way OTHERS perceived us. And since she has no friends (but desperately desires friends and social status) she thought that in order to gain friends she has to act and behave in the way that other people do. So she tried changing herself and she tried changing me. (We are in a very small, rural village and people here have no idea about AS - they know my wife and know that she is very weird, but harmless, but they don't know me and and almost label me a criminal just cause i am socially withdrawn, avoid eye contact, talk in a way people can't understand etc. - and since i am a stranger to them they regard me as a criminal or something).
So they constantly tell my wife how extremely suspicious i am and that she should divorce me. And because she wants to be friends with them she doesn't dare disagree with them (she isn't particularly good in arguing with people or standing up for herself anyway). So instead she relays those accusations to me, and i then can't understand her behavior, feel hurt and try to change her - but she feels hurt and can't handle it if i try to change her, just like i feel hurt and can't handle it if she tries to change me. So one day she suddenly left and returned to her parents and took our daughter with her. I haven't seen either of them since then. And she went to court to take away all my possessions, money, car and throws me out of our house. Actually it's not really her doing this. It's her parents who suggested it and she just goes along with it cause she thinks that i would be the reason why she has social problems etc..

So, what can i do? I have to make her realize that the only reason why it didn't work out between us is that we didn't accept the other the way they are. But she doesn't listen to me anymore since thanks to her NT parents she thinks there is something wrong with me. )-:

Hi,

Why would you try to change each other? You are not going to go much further in your relationship unless you embrace each of your differences and what makes you who you are. There is nothing wrong with not fitting in to what others create as social molds. You both share a bond and you should be learning from each other, not trying to rob each other of your identities.

You should tell her what makes her special to you. And more importantly, show her how you feel about her. That she doesn't have to measure up to someone else's standards, because she definitely is all that you need and want.

You say you don't understand her behavior. But her behavior is very similar to yours because you say you both have AS. And even if you don't truly understand her, you better start trying to. Have you sat down and had any really heartfelt conversations with her where you both could better bridge whatever gaps are between you? You need to seek counseling if you can't do it on your own.

It's important to understand that there is nothing wrong with either of you. You need to get more self respect and confidence in yourself. That will in turn help your wife and will strengthen your relationship all aorund.

Wow, I didn't get to the part where she left you until now Hmmm, whether you blame her parents or not, I feel you should take responsiblity for your part in why it didn't work out. Maybe it's too late for you to take any of the above advice but for future reference, I think deep inside you do know why things went wrong.

-sean-

 

[becca]

Don't be too clingy. Make it clear she has a choice in the matter--that she is free and not trapped. Then see if there is any way she will discuss it rationally with you. You've got to let her know that a)walking out on her marriage (especially with children involved) is no hasty decision and b)in the end she will be miserable if she is popular for who she ISN'T. Deep down inside she wants to be accepted freely for who she is. And you are the only perfect person for her. She will not find anyone to replace you. You've got to do this in a loving, patient, calm way, secure way. DON'T GIVE UP!!

There is a God... He is real. He made you. He is the only One who can really help you and the only One you really need. But contrary to popular belief, He does not exist to make us "happy" (or rather self-centered, spoiled brats). But find Him. Just find Him. He originated marriage and intended it to be forever. He tells us to stay committed no matter what and love when it is not easy. His love is the only kind that is true. We cannot ever live up to His standards and we are lost without Him. We are wicked, vile people. But God has come to the earth in the Man Jesus. He has taken our place in the rightful judgment we deserve. He will give you Himself, He will transform you, and reunite you to the Father who desires you, who hurts to see you hurt. Please believe in Jesus and trust in Him rather than yourself. This is where it all begins.

I am praying for your marriage.

Isaiah 1:2 Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth: for the LORD hath spoken, I have nourished and brought up children, and they have rebelled against me.

Jeremiah 16:12 And ye have done worse than your fathers; for, behold, ye walk every one after the imagination of his evil heart, that they may not hearken unto me:

Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Jeremiah 24:7 And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the LORD: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.

Jeremiah 31:3 The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.

John 8:12 Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

Matthew 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Romans 10:13 For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord [Jesus] shall be saved.

Acts 4:12 Neither is there salvation in any other [but Christ alone]: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Philippians 2:5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:
7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:
8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.
9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name:
10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth;
11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.