Help me understand

[Verdandi]

I tried talking to my ex so as to get some insight into his thoughts, but to no avail.
I told him I would like to understand how he could go from all that seemingly deep affection to treating me like dirt and making me feel like a stranger; I tried inquiring about what made him uncomfortable; I tried asking him about his needs. Calmly, in writing. The reply I got? "You don't need to understand anything".
How am I supposed to deal with this? Every attempt I make to communicate is pointless.

 

[Rocco]

Some of us. Myself included, cut all ties and and all emotional attachment when it ends. Like White and Black, on and off.

 

[nowwhat]

For myself, pursuing my need for companionship and fellowship always ends with me feeling uncertain, and generally no matter how things start, ending up rejected or abandoned. It is what I get, plain and simple. This is pretty much 100%. It simply is what it is. I have tried every way I can think of to change this, but to no avail. I have accepted that that is my lot in life, and it's really not that bad and that others have it much worse. I have made my peace with it.

As a result, I do not try at or pursue relationships. At times, passion, desire, love have caused me to go after an association despite all this. Eventually, the hand begins to write on the wall, and cold reality asserts itself again. Usually, I must at this point honestly say that, each and every one of them, would be better off with someone else, someone complete. It becomes both a selfless and loving act, and surrender to the inevitable to abandon what I had started in a senseless spell of forgetful optimism.

This might be what is going on here. I don't know for sure. You might need to and be better off just moving on. The sea really is full of fish.

 

[Bolletje]

You need to let go. The more you pursue answers and explanations, the more he'll pull away. It hurts like hell, but it's over. You can either let go now with some dignity, or continue hounding him for information until he actively dislikes you and refuses to talk to you altogether. Trust me, I've been in his shoes.
Did you read my response on your other recent post about the guy?

 

[Verdandi]

You need to let go. The more you pursue answers and explanations, the more he'll pull away. It hurts like hell, but it's over. You can either let go now with some dignity, or continue hounding him for information until he actively dislikes you and refuses to talk to you altogether. Trust me, I've been in his shoes.
Did you read my response on your other recent post about the guy?

I needed the answers for my peace of mind. Apparently I can't get that either.

 

[Verdandi]

Some of us. Myself included, cut all ties and and all emotional attachment when it ends. Like White and Black, on and off.

Just like that? You love someone and then all of a sudden you decide you don't want then any more?

 

[Suzanne]

Just like that? You love someone and then all of a sudden you decide you don't want then any more?

Yes, just like that. Love does not give us the right to pursue something that is not persuable.

He clearly wants nothing what you want and so, if you have any dignity for yourself, you will back off and leave the poor guy alone.

I know it is not easy, for as I mentioned before, I feel deeply in love when I was 19 and could not function if I did not hear from him, but I did recognise that it was dangerous to show how I felt and so, I backed away and in fact, that caused him to come to me.

Saying that you love someone, does not automatically mean you do love them or love them in the same way.

I love my husband, but not in the same way that he loves me. He says: I know you love me in your aspie way.

 

[Suzanne]

I needed the answers for my peace of mind. Apparently I can't get that either.

You are clearly searching for someone to give you hope, which is fair enough, but because you keep pursuing the guy relentlessly, that hope just diminishes and you end up starving for some more, but it isn't coming, because the truth is you are hurting yourself.

The only peace of mind you will receive, if you accept that there is no relationship there and learn to adapt without it and if he does come back, perhaps you will have the strength to say: not again, thank you; go away.

 

[Bolletje]

I needed the answers for my peace of mind. Apparently I can't get that either.

But he has told you before why he wanted to break up with you, didn't he? No amount of answers he gives you will take away the pain you're feeling right now.

And you can start thread after thread asking us to help you understand, but the only person that can give you insight into what's going on inside your ex' head is your ex. And he doesn't want to share any more. And he gets to decide that. And that might be hurtful and it might feel unfair to you, but that's the way it is.

The quickest way to peace of mind is to leave your ex alone and go on with your life.

 

[OkRad]

Be kind to yourself and nurture yourself as you would wish he would. Be to yourself what you want him to be for you for a while and let him go.

further, if he comes back, after your going through this, do not go down that road again. He has caused you a lot of pain.

Let him go as he let you go. You are a person of worth who deserves someone to be loved you as you need and want to be loved.

He will not always be on your mental horizon.

It is WAY better to be alone than tormented. I am alone and I am not sad about it anymore. But if you are NT, I bet you will not be alone by next valentine's day!

I hope you post for us when you do get over him because we have a lot of people coming here pancking over losing their autie/aspies and we never hear from them again.

I would very much like to know how you are getting over him and you can add SO MUCH to others' experience who come here. You can help others more than we can because you wll have gone through it!

 

[Rocco]

Just like that? You love someone and then all of a sudden you decide you don't want then any more?

I feel your pain.
It's hard to explain, but that is the most succinct answer. It can hurt too much. Or so much that off can be the only and least painful way.
I have tried both and can honestly say severed ties is BEST. it can be very unhealthy for Aspies, maybe NT also, to prolong or drag out a break up. False hope, reliving trauma and or rejection. It's all Pain.

Healing can begin with a fresh start.
Some desert plants have seeds which only germinate after a wild fire.
I might even take my own advice on this subject.

Here is some love from my heart for you, I hope you wake up and feel the sun on your skin and the storm in your heart faded
Best wishes.

 

[Bolletje]

I feel you pain.
It's hard to explain, but that is the most succinct answer. It can hurt too much. Or so much that off can be the only and least painful way.
I have tried both and can honestly say severed ties is BEST. it can be very unhealthy for Aspies, maybe NT also, to prolong or drag out a break up. False hope, reliving trauma and or rejection. It's all Pain.

I wholeheartedly agree with you on this. The last time I broke up with someone I indulged his need for answers and his desire to remain friends, but everytime I responded to his emails or met him in person I gave him another shred of false hope. I had no desire to be together but didn't want to hurt him too much, which led to so much more pain for him in the long run.

 

[Rocco]

I wholeheartedly agree with you on this. The last time I broke up with someone I indulged his need for answers and his desire to remain friends, but everytime I responded to his emails or met him in person I gave him another shred of false hope. I had no desire to be together but didn't want to hurt him too much, which led to so much more pain for him in the long run.

This^^^^^
I have been that guy. That hope is like salt water for the dehydrated. It's awful, and unhealthy. I have also been your position mentioned above, Bolletje.
Neither feel like a good place

 

[Southern Discomfort]

That's difficult. I've never been in a relationship let alone feel rejection so I can't fully imagine the pain you feel - or his. But I agree with others on here, I think it's over and all you're doing is prolonging the pain for yourself. Which has to cumbersome.

 

[Verdandi]

Be kind to yourself and nurture yourself as you would wish he would. Be to yourself what you want him to be for you for a while and let him go.

further, if he comes back, after your going through this, do not go down that road again. He has caused you a lot of pain.

Let him go as he let you go. You are a person of worth who deserves someone to be loved you as you need and want to be loved.

He will not always be on your mental horizon.

It is WAY better to be alone than tormented. I am alone and I am not sad about it anymore. But if you are NT, I bet you will not be alone by next valentine's day!

I hope you post for us when you do get over him because we have a lot of people coming here pancking over losing their autie/aspies and we never hear from them again.

I would very much like to know how you are getting over him and you can add SO MUCH to others' experience who come here. You can help others more than we can because you wll have gone through it!

I'm getting through this, but over him...improbable. I do not think it is possible to get over someone who meant this much for you. I will leave him alone, as he wishes, and we'll see what happens. I have to deal with my own depression as well. Every day is a struggle to find a little joy in something. I would have never thought we would end up in this situation. I feel so much confusion, sadness, anger and guilt. I wish I could just erase it all. All memories, everything.

 

[paloftoon]

There's nothing wrong with remembering it all. I feel that way too about a particular someone too. What we do need to do is find ways to continue to deal with those feelings. We need to continue to better ourselves- stretching, exercising, drinking lots of water, saying one positive thing about ourselves daily, catching up with friends, attending events, and learning as much as possible. Maybe even attempting to mend other past relationships and friendships where you start over can help a little too.

 

[OkRad]

I'm getting through this, but over him...improbable. I do not think it is possible to get over someone who meant this much for you. I will leave him alone, as he wishes, and we'll see what happens. I have to deal with my own depression as well. Every day is a struggle to find a little joy in something. I would have never thought we would end up in this situation. I feel so much confusion, sadness, anger and guilt. I wish I could just erase it all. All memories, everything.

I know how this feels. I would love to wipe out parts of my memory and would do it in a second. Life is way too short to have to keep recovering from this and that. Then, we dig and dig and find some obscure philosophy or system and say, "Oh! Look! I made sense of that horror! See? I found 15 minutes of peace after struggling for 35 years!!"

Not worth it. In fact, absurd and insane to me. The struggle of years does is not balanced out by a little scrap of peace we get after constant digging and sweating a crying.

When I first had my head injury I was praising God for it! I was like, "OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE!!" I could not ruminate, my past did not matter!!!

Then, like a satanic cloud, over the course of a few months, sh*t mattered more and more and things started to bother me again BUT I had none of the skills I had before.

Worse off, way worse off. They all came screaming back like, "OH! You thought you were FREE? Too bad, B****"

All that said, it's here and we have to live through it.

I have one goal and one goal only. No more school, work , relationships, etc. MY ONE GOAL is not to end my life, to die a natural death. It's a long shot, but here we are.

If I can find one thing to day that might be a scrap of a pleasant feeling, like even a SHADE of a pleasant feeling, well, I will try and you try to???? Deal??

 

[Hope is rising]

I tried talking to my ex so as to get some insight into his thoughts, but to no avail.
I told him I would like to understand how he could go from all that seemingly deep affection to treating me like dirt and making me feel like a stranger; I tried inquiring about what made him uncomfortable; I tried asking him about his needs. Calmly, in writing. The reply I got? "You don't need to understand anything".
How am I supposed to deal with this? Every attempt I make to communicate is pointless.

I'll share with you what came to me after I read your post, I don't know if it's helpful or not but me personally, it took me a long time to realize that other people may not respond like I would to what I'm saying, I was expecting people to respond to what I would say the way that I would respond to it , I guess I couldn't conceptualize that people have different view points than me. In important situations, I couldn't understand why the outcome wasn't what I'd expect. Now I accept that people will not respond the way I do necessarily, which is a little maddening especially in situations like you are in. Accept that the person is not you. Accept that you cannot control or change them. That's my suggestion , sorry it was long and rambly!

 

[ksheehan88]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much, and I understand how you feel.

For your own sanity, you need to stop. I tend to become obsessed with people and behave in a similar manner except I can't control myself as well as you can.

After a while it does get easier the non-contact, and thats what you're aiming for

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I know how this feels. I would love to wipe out parts of my memory and would do it in a second. Life is way too short to have to keep recovering from this and that. Then, we dig and dig and find some obscure philosophy or system and say, "Oh! Look! I made sense of that horror! See? I found 15 minutes of peace after struggling for 35 years!!"

Not worth it. In fact, absurd and insane to me. The struggle of years does is not balanced out by a little scrap of peace we get after constant digging and sweating a crying.

When I first had my head injury I was praising God for it! I was like, "OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE!!" I could not ruminate, my past did not matter!!!

Then, like a satanic cloud, over the course of a few months, sh*t mattered more and more and things started to bother me again BUT I had none of the skills I had before.

Worse off, way worse off. They all came screaming back like, "OH! You thought you were FREE? Too bad, B****"

All that said, it's here and we have to live through it.

I have one goal and one goal only. No more school, work , relationships, etc. MY ONE GOAL is not to end my life, to die a natural death. It's a long shot, but here we are.

If I can find one thing to day that might be a scrap of a pleasant feeling, like even a SHADE of a pleasant feeling, well, I will try and you try to???? Deal??

We'll I accidentally clicked on 'funny' twice after reading your post.
If you have a dark sense of humor that may count as your 'shade' for today.

An unrealistic goal for me was to be happy, now I try to break it down into trying to appreciate small bits of ordinary stuff.
Nobody knocking on the door, a cup of tea, going to the toilet.
Sunshine.

Not always in that order