Hello, my name is Brian, I am new here.

[Tired]

I am not the type to beg. If women do not like me that is ok. I am not going to force the issue. I am just looking for someone who does like me

Yet you're desperate enough to try to date woman who's 20 years older than you are.
Don't get me wrong, I wish you all the best, but you sound confused to me and in denial that to be more attractive you need to up your game, because the way you do it atm doesn't seem to work.

 

[Wizardry]

As someone who's been interested in the psychology of life-long romantic loneliness for a long time, I find you to be a very perplexing case.

From what I've seen, most people who have never had anyone show them any romantic interest by 39 years old would think that there must be something wrong with them. Some kind of fatal flaw that is preventing them from appealing to their desired gender demographic. It could be one thing or any combination of appearance, income, social skills, social status etc, but there's normally something. In all seriousness, why do you think you've never had a girlfriend before? And why do you think that's even remotely likely to change now with your current approach given you've been trying for 20 years and only managed to get a handful of dates? I'm genuinely curious.

Another thing about you that I find odd is that you say finding a girlfriend is the only thing you care about in life, but then when someone suggests that you improve your appeal to improve your chances, or not limit yourself to only the competitive online dating space, you say something to the effect of "well if women aren't interested, that is fine. If I don't succeed with dating, that is fine, but I'm going to keep looking anyway and do my best".

If you need a romantic relationship to neutralise what you call "depression", and in your own words you've never felt like a woman has been particularly romantically interested in you, why is it that you would apparently rather flounder in the same predicament you've been in for 20 years without any realistic reason to expect different results than make changes to your approach that would likely improve your chances of neutralising your "depression"? You say you're doing your best, but you could certainly do better in terms of improving your appeal and diversifying your opportunities, but you seem to prefer to remain in your comfort zone instead, even though that appears unlikely to get you the results you want based on 20 years of trying it without meaningful success.

I don't understand how someone can say "'getting a girlfriend is the most important thing for my life and happiness", but also "if no woman wants to date me exactly how I am now, I'll change nothing about myself and just be single". So getting a girlfriend is the most important thing in your life, but it's not important enough for you to consider making yourself a more appealing partner if necessary to improve your chances of getting that which you want most of all?

 

[BrianWV39]

To be fair I know exactly why I have never had a girlfriend before. I am autistic. I do not connect with others the same way neurotypicals do. I do not have the same value system the vast majority of other people do. I really do not have an ego in any sense. I have never concerned myself with things like money, jobs, a career, having people like me. Being this way does not lead to much romantic success in life. I know those are the reasons I have never been in a relationship before.

So, I seem to have two options. I can pretend to be somebody I just am not. Or I can focus on trying to find someone that does work for me. Although I am a very untraditional person I still think I offer many positives in a relationship. I know who I am, I am a kind person, I am a very non-competitive person. I am capable of love and giving my whole heart and soul to another person.

I am happy with my life. I am content with who I am and the lifestyle I lead. I have my personal issues. There is no doubt about that. In fact, I am willing to tell you all one of the personal issues I deal with. I am by nature an atheist. This unfortunately means that I believe nothing, but oblivion awaits me after death. Like I think all of us to one degree or another I really struggled with this reality in my middle teens.

My solution, my salvation as it were, was to be found in love. I figured if I gave my whole heart and soul to loving someone, I could at least make the most of my brief time in existence. I built my whole life around trying to find the right person to share my life with. I did not expect any one particular woman to love me; but I was relatively confident I could find someone to love me.

The problem is I did not know I was autistic. I had no clue how neurodivergent or unique I actually was. My way of understanding of the world was to explore how I viewed and thought about things and then try to project those thoughts and emotions on to others as a way of understanding how their internal dialog worked. Obviously, the whole problem was I am very different. I did not understand what other people wanted and valued.

For example, I studied literature, poetry, and history in college. I figured what better way to get a girlfriend than to be well read and a romantic. In hindsight I should have just studied how to make money. In fact, I never concerned myself with money or a career one bit. Since I did not value a career or money I assumed everyone else was the same as me. I had no clue I was autistic and neurodivergent. I lead a lifestyle that appealed to me but did not appeal to women.

I still do not value things like money, jobs, status, a career, ego or anything like that. And I rather stay single the rest of my life than to start to value those things. But I do still believe I offer enough and can make a great boyfriend to the right woman. I have no clue what she is like. I have no clue what she desires, I have no clue what her lifestyle is like. But I know in my heart that I can be great for someone.

I think the best way to meet her is to be open and honest with people about who I am, what I offer, and the lifestyle I want to live. I am very happy to discuss what I am looking for and who I am at any time. I really enjoy it and I hope that someday the right person sees me online

 

[Ed#]

[....]

My solution, my salvation as it were, was to be found in love. I figured if I gave my whole heart and soul to loving someone, I could at least make the most of my brief time in existence. I built my whole life around trying to find the right person to share my life with. I did not expect any one particular woman to love me; but I was relatively confident I could find someone to love me.

The problem is I did not know I was autistic. I had no clue how neurodivergent or unique I actually was.

Maybe you're speaking in the past tense and no longer believe this, but I want to point out the false premise here. Love is not a salvation -- especially being loved by someone else. That cannot be a "salvation."

I suspect that the reason you believed (believe?) this is because of your lack of real-world experience with romantic relationships. It is easy to retain romantic idealizations about what "love" can do when you don't have experience with it. The idealistic fantasies haven't had a chance to collide with reality.

Looking to love for "salvation" is a mistake. It burdens the other person with highly unrealistic expectations. Perhaps this is one reason women will occasionally date you but do not want to get into a relationship. They sense your neediness -- i.e., that you are looking for too much from them.

I do still believe I offer enough and can make a great boyfriend to the right woman. I have no clue what she is like. I have no clue what she desires, I have no clue what her lifestyle is like. But I know in my heart that I can be great for someone.

I think the best way to meet her is to be open and honest with people about who I am, what I offer, and the lifestyle I want to live. I am very happy to discuss what I am looking for and who I am at any time. I really enjoy it and I hope that someday the right person sees me online

Ok! Best wishes to you. You seem like a nice fellow -- a little misguided and naive, but kind at heart. I hope you manage to find someone you click with.

 

[BrianWV39]

Maybe you're speaking in the past tense and no longer believe this, but I want to point out the false premise here. Love is not a salvation -- especially being loved by someone else. They cannot be a salvation.

I suspect that the reason you believed (believe?) this is because of your lack of real-world experience with romantic relationships. It is easy to retain romantic idealizations about what "love" can do when you don't have experience with it. The idealistic fantasies haven't had a chance to collide with reality.

Looking to love for "salvation" is a mistake. It burdens the other person with highly unrealistic expectations. Perhaps this is one reason women will occasionally date you but do not want to get into a relationship. They sense your neediness -- i.e., that you are looking for too much from them.




Ok! Best wishes to you. You seem like a nice fellow -- a little misguided and naive, but kind at heart. I hope you manage to find someone you click with.

In the meantime, remember that there is more to life than romantic love. In fact, even under the umbrella of "love," there is much more to love than romantic love. Our culture seems to have a pretty myopic view of this. But that's a different subject....

I am not interested in your opinion.

 

[Ed#]

I am not interested in your opinion.

So don't post, then. This is how the internet works, chum.

 

[tree]

If you come across something you find offensive or believe breaks the rules, report it to a member of staff using the report button. Do not reply to the thread. If you are having a problem with another member of the forums, you may contact a member of staff via Private Message about it.

www.autismforums.com/threads/general-rules-guidelines.3/

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Keep in mind a relationship comes with responsibility. it's not trivial,

 

[Wizardry]

To be fair I know exactly why I have never had a girlfriend before. I am autistic. I do not connect with others the same way neurotypicals do.

It can definitely be harder for autistic people to date and enter relationships. The male dating role in particular is pretty incompatible with autism. That said, if social skills are a barrier, I see no good reason why you would resist suggestions to work on your social skills.

I do not have the same value system the vast majority of other people do. I really do not have an ego in any sense. I have never concerned myself with things like money, jobs, a career, having people like me. Being this way does not lead to much romantic success in life. I know those are the reasons I have never been in a relationship before.

Being obsessed with career advancement and becoming wealthy are not prerequisites for romantic success, but financial stability is important for the majority, or perhaps even the vast majority of women. I think there would be very few women around your age who would be willing to date and accommodate a financial dead-weight boyfriend, especially if he didn't have particularly attractive qualities to compensate for his lack of financial stability. You don't have to prioritise money and career over all else, but being content with being very poor is going to severely limit your options.

So, I seem to have two options. I can pretend to be somebody I just am not. Or I can focus on trying to find someone that does work for me. Although I am a very untraditional person I still think I offer many positives in a relationship. I know who I am, I am a kind person, I am a very non-competitive person. I am capable of love and giving my whole heart and soul to another person.

Willingness to improve your appeal isn't pretending to be someone you're not. Achieving financial stability isn't pretending to be someone you're not. Improving social skills isn't pretending to be someone you're not. These are measures to enhance who you are in ways that are likely to ultimately increase your chances of appealing to women you want to date. Also, I don't think "non-competitive" is a positive. Especially in the context of everything else you've said, it reads like "unambitious" or perhaps even "pushover".

My way of understanding of the world was to explore how I viewed and thought about things and then try to project those thoughts and emotions on to others as a way of understanding how their internal dialog worked. Obviously, the whole problem was I am very different. I did not understand what other people wanted and valued.

To be honest, I think you're still doing the same thing right now with wanting a partner. You think because you satisfy your own standards that therefore you can satisfy someone else's standards as well, but there's no evidence that you're seriously considering what women tend to expect and want in a romantic partner and a romantic relationship.

I still do not value things like money, jobs, status, a career, ego or anything like that. And I rather stay single the rest of my life than to start to value those things. But I do still believe I offer enough and can make a great boyfriend to the right woman.

Given that the available evidence seems to imply the opposite conclusion, what are you basing that belief on?

I have no clue what she is like. I have no clue what she desires, I have no clue what her lifestyle is like. But I know in my heart that I can be great for someone.

These are important things to think about. Especially what she desires.

I think the best way to meet her is to be open and honest with people about who I am, what I offer, and the lifestyle I want to live. I am very happy to discuss what I am looking for and who I am at any time. I really enjoy it and I hope that someday the right person sees me online

To be honest, I think most women who saw your posts on here would see you as desperate (and perhaps even self-absorbed), and be turned off by that. All you seem to talk about is your own struggles with getting a girlfriend, and how you're open to being messaged if anyone's interested (as if women couldn't figure that out for themselves).

A few additional questions:

1. If not for the fact that you live with your parents, could you afford to live on your own (or with roommates)?

2. You said your ultimate plan is to take over ownership of your parents' house when they pass away, so if you ended up in a long-term relationship with a woman, would you two just live separately from each other until your parents pass, or would you expect her to move in with you and your parents?

3. You said you love sex and would expect to have sex often. Where would you have sex? Your parents' place? Or would you expect it to be at her place all the time? Or would you somehow pay for hotels or something?

4. If you lived with a woman you were in a relationship with, how do you see financial responsibilities and household chores being divvied up? Would you do 50/50 bills and financial obligations, and 50/50 housework and chores? How would that work? Would you be able to afford that on your income?

5. What would you actually do with your girlfriend? Would you expect the two of you would just be homebodies all the time? Would you go out anywhere at all together? What would you do at home together?

 

[BrianWV39]

It can definitely be harder for autistic people to date and enter relationships. The male dating role in particular is pretty incompatible with autism. That said, if social skills are a barrier, I see no good reason why you would resist suggestions to work on your social skills.


Being obsessed with career advancement and becoming wealthy are not prerequisites for romantic success, but financial stability is important for the majority, or perhaps even the vast majority of women. I think there would be very few women around your age who would be willing to date and accommodate a financial dead-weight boyfriend, especially if he didn't have particularly attractive qualities to compensate for his lack of financial stability. You don't have to prioritise money and career over all else, but being content with being very poor is going to severely limit your options.


Willingness to improve your appeal isn't pretending to be someone you're not. Achieving financial stability isn't pretending to be someone you're not. Improving social skills isn't pretending to be someone you're not. These are measures to enhance who you are in ways that are likely to ultimately increase your chances of appealing to women you want to date. Also, I don't think "non-competitive" is a positive. Especially in the context of everything else you've said, it reads like "unambitious" or perhaps even "pushover".


To be honest, I think you're still doing the same thing right now with wanting a partner. You think because you satisfy your own standards that therefore you can satisfy someone else's standards as well, but there's no evidence that you're seriously considering what women tend to expect and want in a romantic partner and a romantic relationship.


Given that the available evidence seems to imply the opposite conclusion, what are you basing that belief on?


These are important things to think about. Especially what she desires.


To be honest, I think most women who saw your posts on here would see you as desperate (and perhaps even self-absorbed), and be turned off by that. All you seem to talk about is your own struggles with getting a girlfriend, and how you're open to being messaged if anyone's interested (as if women couldn't figure that out for themselves).

A few additional questions:

1. If not for the fact that you live with your parents, could you afford to live on your own (or with roommates)?

2. You said your ultimate plan is to take over ownership of your parents' house when they pass away, so if you ended up in a long-term relationship with a woman, would you two just live separately from each other until your parents pass, or would you expect her to move in with you and your parents?

3. You said you love sex and would expect to have sex often. Where would you have sex? Your parents' place? Or would you expect it to be at her place all the time? Or would you somehow pay for hotels or something?

4. If you lived with a woman you were in a relationship with, how do you see financial responsibilities and household chores being divvied up? Would you do 50/50 bills and financial obligations, and 50/50 housework and chores? How would that work? Would you be able to afford that on your income?

5. What would you actually do with your girlfriend? Would you expect the two of you would just be homebodies all the time? Would you go out anywhere at all together? What would you do at home together?

I am just not really interested in what you have to say going forward. I am plenty happy and content with who I am
I am looking for someone who feels the same about me

That is all.

 

[Wizardry]

Good luck with that

 

[BrianWV39]

Good luck with that

I would rather discuss those issues one on one with the right person. I would just say all of them would be taken on a case by case basis

Thanks

 

[tree]

Maybe there will be a female who will be delighted
by your presentation of yourself, generic as it is.
And she really will be the one for you.

For the most part your description is generalities.
If somehow this attracts the attention of a person
who meshes with your interests (after she has
managed to ask the questions that stir you to
allow more details in your communication), maybe
the two of you can make a go of it.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

The most important things my wife liked about me after I meet her, were not ready to settle for status quo. was employed, had post secondary education, interested in improving both of our situations. Came across as would make an excellent father. Came from a rural, area close to where she came from. I came from a different culture. She came to the city as everybody in her hometown was related to her not a great target pool for a husband, However me being familiar with this area helped, After all I guess woman subconsciously think this way, leave the village find a mate,

 

[BrianWV39]

Maybe there will be a female who will be delighted
by your presentation of yourself, generic as it is.
And she really will be the one for you.

For the most part your description is generalities.
If somehow this attracts the attention of a person
who meshes with your interests (after she has
managed to ask the questions that stir you to
allow more details in your communication), maybe
the two of you can make a go of it.

Thank you

I will be blunt. I have talked both on this website as well as numerous other websites that my hobbies and interests mostly revolve around sex, drugs and rock and roll.

What I mean is I love weed edibles; I love the sexual and physical side of life. I enjoy things like staying active, healthy, and having fun. Finally, I have written about my love of music on here as well.

So, there they are, those are the things I most enjoy doing. That is how I spend my time single. As far as what I enjoy talking about- well I am a generalist. I am well read and well educated. I am open to having conversations about just about anything. One slightly unique thing about me is I tend to think very deeply and seriously about almost anything. Every so often a person might realize I have put in a ton of thought into a subject people do not normally thing seriously about- such as humor.

As far as how I want to spend my time with a partner I don't really know. I have never had a partner to share time with me. No one has ever wanted to spend time with me before, so I have never had to compromise. As you can tell my hobbies and interests are things I can do completely on my own. I no longer have an interest in movies or tv shows. I am aware that any potential girlfriend would probably want to watch movies and tv shows with me. All I can promise is that will watch anything with her as long as I can watch it while sitting next to her.

I also have a different relationship to my hobbies and interests than most people seem to. I guess it goes without saying that I do not really connect with people the same way other people do. Oddly enough I do not think this will offend and might be the best way to illustrate what I mean. For starters I have a near freakish ability to compartmentalize things in my mind. The best way to explain this is to explain what I think about religion. Religiously I am an atheist, an agnostic, and a Christian all at the exact same time. I imagine no one cares but I assure you I know exactly where the edges of each of these beliefs exist and they do not contradict.

But how can I connect with people. I am really none of the above just as much as I am all of the above. Basically, I have no ability to connect with people through the subject of religion or a lack of it. The thing is I am pretty much that way about everything.

So, when other people talk about their hobbies or their interests in life they almost always have a different relationship to them than I do. To be rather blunt if women out there are looking for someone who agrees with their world view- I am not him. I don't even have a remotely consistent world view or ideology. I do not connect nor do I desire to connect with people in that manner.

I long to connect with people through more universal conditions. Such as a desire to love and be loved. Or a desire to share as much of oneself with another person as possible.

 

[BrianWV39]

The most important things my wife liked about me after I meet her, were not ready to settle for status quo. was employed, had post secondary education, interested in improving both of our situations. Came across as would make an excellent father. Came from a rural, area close to where she came from. I came from a different culture. She came to the city as everybody in her hometown was related to her not a great target pool for a husband, However me being familiar with this area helped, After all I guess woman subconsciously think this way, leave the village find a mate,

No one on this planet or any other needs to impress me in any way. I just accept people as they come

I find life is better if you just give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I do not know much about West Virginia, know it's a tough place to live. Noticed you left for a while, suspect for employment opportunities. Yes the rules other guys us do not work for us Aspies, I meet my future wife just after she moved in she had bought a dresser that needed assembly, my partner had rented a room to her. I had come up to introduce myself to her. noticed she had no tools, so helped her put the dresser together, She had moved into a room that previously had been rented to my cousin a musician. So months later He was playing downtown Toronto not far from the house so liking gto go to bars to watch bands play I asked her if she wanted to join me watch the previous occupant of her room play, Rest is history. Keep in mind I usually went to the bars alone sat alone. never did anyone ever join me. Not a drinker just one mixed drink.

 

[BrianWV39]

I'll admit I perhaps have a unique relationship to money compared to what I often see online. I get it I am different. Trust me this fact has been pounded into me for far too long and far too many times.

I grew up in a middle/upper middle-class family in Phoenix in the 90s and early 2000s. No one really was too concerned about money. Everyone sort of lived the same quality of life and life was easy. I suppose I have taken this attitude towards money and finance into my adult life as well. I find money usually works out.

I also never worry about the finances of others. I do not value anyone because they have more money than me; just as I do not value anyone less for having less money than me. Money has nothing to do with ego or self-esteem to me. To me a person has the perfect amount of money no matter who they are or how much they have. It has just never been a concern of mine.

I have been made aware endlessly that not all women share my view of money and finances. All I can say is I don't mind. But I do have a different view of money. To me money will always work itself out.

I also figure two people will always live more cheaply together than one. So just by living together we would both be helping each other out financially no matter what

 

[BrianWV39]

I do not know much about West Virginia, know it's a tough place to live. Noticed you left for a while, suspect for employment opportunities. Yes the rules other guys us do not work for us Aspies, I meet my future wife just after she moved in she had bought a dresser that needed assembly, my partner had rented a room to her. I had come up to introduce myself to her. noticed she had no tools, so helped her put the dresser together, She had moved into a room that previously had been rented to my cousin a musician. So months later He was playing downtown Toronto not far from the house so liking gto go to bars to watch bands play I asked her if she wanted to join me watch the previous occupant of her room play, Rest is history.

I actually grew up in Phoenix and out west. My parents retired and moved to West Virginia about seven years ago. I have lived in West Virginia almost six years now. Trust me whatever you think of West Virginia that does not apply where I live.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

The more you let others know about you the more potential mates on this site may become interested in you. Actually I can see why your parents moved there beautiful place. Your background may sway some potential ladies on here who may have stereotyped, you and the location. As an outsider surprised the local ladies did not notice you. My wife's kid brother moved with his parents over night he was the centre of attention at the new school with the ladies,