Hello, my name is Brian, I am new here.

[Tired]

I am not the type to beg. If women do not like me that is ok. I am not going to force the issue. I am just looking for someone who does like me

Yet you're desperate enough to try to date woman who's 20 years older than you are.
Don't get me wrong, I wish you all the best, but you sound confused to me and in denial that to be more attractive you need to up your game, because the way you do it atm doesn't seem to work.

 

[Wizardry]

As someone who's been interested in the psychology of life-long romantic loneliness for a long time, I find you to be a very perplexing case.

From what I've seen, most people who have never had anyone show them any romantic interest by 39 years old would think that there must be something wrong with them. Some kind of fatal flaw that is preventing them from appealing to their desired gender demographic. It could be one thing or any combination of appearance, income, social skills, social status etc, but there's normally something. In all seriousness, why do you think you've never had a girlfriend before? And why do you think that's even remotely likely to change now with your current approach given you've been trying for 20 years and only managed to get a handful of dates? I'm genuinely curious.

Another thing about you that I find odd is that you say finding a girlfriend is the only thing you care about in life, but then when someone suggests that you improve your appeal to improve your chances, or not limit yourself to only the competitive online dating space, you say something to the effect of "well if women aren't interested, that is fine. If I don't succeed with dating, that is fine, but I'm going to keep looking anyway and do my best".

If you need a romantic relationship to neutralise what you call "depression", and in your own words you've never felt like a woman has been particularly romantically interested in you, why is it that you would apparently rather flounder in the same predicament you've been in for 20 years without any realistic reason to expect different results than make changes to your approach that would likely improve your chances of neutralising your "depression"? You say you're doing your best, but you could certainly do better in terms of improving your appeal and diversifying your opportunities, but you seem to prefer to remain in your comfort zone instead, even though that appears unlikely to get you the results you want based on 20 years of trying it without meaningful success.

I don't understand how someone can say "'getting a girlfriend is the most important thing for my life and happiness", but also "if no woman wants to date me exactly how I am now, I'll change nothing about myself and just be single". So getting a girlfriend is the most important thing in your life, but it's not important enough for you to consider making yourself a more appealing partner if necessary to improve your chances of getting that which you want most of all?

 

[BrianWV39]

To be fair I know exactly why I have never had a girlfriend before. I am autistic. I do not connect with others the same way neurotypicals do. I do not have the same value system the vast majority of other people do. I really do not have an ego in any sense. I have never concerned myself with things like money, jobs, a career, having people like me. Being this way does not lead to much romantic success in life. I know those are the reasons I have never been in a relationship before.

So, I seem to have two options. I can pretend to be somebody I just am not. Or I can focus on trying to find someone that does work for me. Although I am a very untraditional person I still think I offer many positives in a relationship. I know who I am, I am a kind person, I am a very non-competitive person. I am capable of love and giving my whole heart and soul to another person.

I am happy with my life. I am content with who I am and the lifestyle I lead. I have my personal issues. There is no doubt about that. In fact, I am willing to tell you all one of the personal issues I deal with. I am by nature an atheist. This unfortunately means that I believe nothing, but oblivion awaits me after death. Like I think all of us to one degree or another I really struggled with this reality in my middle teens.

My solution, my salvation as it were, was to be found in love. I figured if I gave my whole heart and soul to loving someone, I could at least make the most of my brief time in existence. I built my whole life around trying to find the right person to share my life with. I did not expect any one particular woman to love me; but I was relatively confident I could find someone to love me.

The problem is I did not know I was autistic. I had no clue how neurodivergent or unique I actually was. My way of understanding of the world was to explore how I viewed and thought about things and then try to project those thoughts and emotions on to others as a way of understanding how their internal dialog worked. Obviously, the whole problem was I am very different. I did not understand what other people wanted and valued.

For example, I studied literature, poetry, and history in college. I figured what better way to get a girlfriend than to be well read and a romantic. In hindsight I should have just studied how to make money. In fact, I never concerned myself with money or a career one bit. Since I did not value a career or money I assumed everyone else was the same as me. I had no clue I was autistic and neurodivergent. I lead a lifestyle that appealed to me but did not appeal to women.

I still do not value things like money, jobs, status, a career, ego or anything like that. And I rather stay single the rest of my life than to start to value those things. But I do still believe I offer enough and can make a great boyfriend to the right woman. I have no clue what she is like. I have no clue what she desires, I have no clue what her lifestyle is like. But I know in my heart that I can be great for someone.

I think the best way to meet her is to be open and honest with people about who I am, what I offer, and the lifestyle I want to live. I am very happy to discuss what I am looking for and who I am at any time. I really enjoy it and I hope that someday the right person sees me online

 

[Ed#]

[....]

My solution, my salvation as it were, was to be found in love. I figured if I gave my whole heart and soul to loving someone, I could at least make the most of my brief time in existence. I built my whole life around trying to find the right person to share my life with. I did not expect any one particular woman to love me; but I was relatively confident I could find someone to love me.

The problem is I did not know I was autistic. I had no clue how neurodivergent or unique I actually was.

Maybe you're speaking in the past tense and no longer believe this, but I want to point out the false premise here. Love is not a salvation -- especially being loved by someone else. That cannot be a "salvation."

I suspect that the reason you believed (believe?) this is because of your lack of real-world experience with romantic relationships. It is easy to retain romantic idealizations about what "love" can do when you don't have experience with it. The idealistic fantasies haven't had a chance to collide with reality.

Looking to love for "salvation" is a mistake. It burdens the other person with highly unrealistic expectations. Perhaps this is one reason women will occasionally date you but do not want to get into a relationship. They sense your neediness -- i.e., that you are looking for too much from them.

I do still believe I offer enough and can make a great boyfriend to the right woman. I have no clue what she is like. I have no clue what she desires, I have no clue what her lifestyle is like. But I know in my heart that I can be great for someone.

I think the best way to meet her is to be open and honest with people about who I am, what I offer, and the lifestyle I want to live. I am very happy to discuss what I am looking for and who I am at any time. I really enjoy it and I hope that someday the right person sees me online

Ok! Best wishes to you. You seem like a nice fellow -- a little misguided and naive, but kind at heart. I hope you manage to find someone you click with.

 

[BrianWV39]

Maybe you're speaking in the past tense and no longer believe this, but I want to point out the false premise here. Love is not a salvation -- especially being loved by someone else. They cannot be a salvation.

I suspect that the reason you believed (believe?) this is because of your lack of real-world experience with romantic relationships. It is easy to retain romantic idealizations about what "love" can do when you don't have experience with it. The idealistic fantasies haven't had a chance to collide with reality.

Looking to love for "salvation" is a mistake. It burdens the other person with highly unrealistic expectations. Perhaps this is one reason women will occasionally date you but do not want to get into a relationship. They sense your neediness -- i.e., that you are looking for too much from them.




Ok! Best wishes to you. You seem like a nice fellow -- a little misguided and naive, but kind at heart. I hope you manage to find someone you click with.

In the meantime, remember that there is more to life than romantic love. In fact, even under the umbrella of "love," there is much more to love than romantic love. Our culture seems to have a pretty myopic view of this. But that's a different subject....

I am not interested in your opinion.

 

[Ed#]

I am not interested in your opinion.

So don't post, then. This is how the internet works, chum.

 

[tree]

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[Ronald Zeeman]

Keep in mind a relationship comes with responsibility. it's not trivial,