Hello, I could use some help

[Kept in the dark]

Thank you

 

[Blast off]

It sounds like he's scared to commit to anything, probably because he's afraid to get hurt again as we aspies do often, and easily. Of course his mother sounds like a controlling you know what, mine was like that too until I cut her out of my life.
You seem like an amazing person for sticking with him for so long under so much confusion and probably stress. There aren't many NTs like that. I think that once his mother passes or he decides to stop letting her control him, things will change. Have hope and keep your heart strong and never give up on him is the only real advice I can give. Hope it helps.

 

[Blast off]

From your description he sounds like an aspie, but I am no doctor. Being the age he is it would be hard to diagnose since he made it this far and long in life. There are many online tests he could take and maybe if he knew his condition things could get better. I went 37 years without knowing, because my mother didn't tell me. Had a son who turned out to be autistic and eventually everything one day just became apparent that I am too, went to see 2 psychiatrists and they looked up my medical records and it showed that when I was 14 they tried to diagnose me but my mother refused the diagnosis. So I went through 37 years of hell before I finally found out and then when I did it brought me peace and allowed me to start down the right road in life. I can imagine if he is an aspie and doesn't know it he's kind of living in his own version of hell, at least I was. Everything was so bright, loud, and overwhelming.. Now I know why and I am at peace with it. Good luck and like I said before if you love him never give up on him.

 

[Blast off]

Maybe try giving him a little space, he might come to you instead. If he is an aspie can be really easy to get overwhelmed by people, especially if you love them.

 

[Judge]

Yes, I agree he does sound likely to be on the spectrum.

With few social contacts and routine time with his mother I can see how his social world would be very small to a point where any social change in his routine could be difficult, no matter how positive it might be.

And his running "hot and cold" emotionally...it's something I can relate to. In my case, most often a measure of stress. Where I'm quite liable to reject even the most pleasant of social contacts in a perceived need to "recover" and regain lost energy. Without any elaborate explanations.

 

[xudo]

Welcome

Maybe have a look here: Love, Relationships and Dating

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Can you break up your posts in paragraphs and maybe put in some quotation marks please, it is difficult for a lot of people to read and you may get more responses if you do that. The edit button is at the bottom of your posts.

I wouldn't necessarily say he has Asperger's. It may be some sort of psychological conditioning that's happened to him over the years, particularly in childhood by his mother. I don't think it's particularly right to just jump straight at the idea that he is on the autistic spectrum although I wouldn't rule that out.

It's clear he doesn't know how romantic relationships work and he could definitely do with getting some advice from experienced people in that regard. Since he's gotten into his sixties without an intimate relationship it's clear he doesn't fully understand what the emotion of romantic love feels like. It's possible that he could be asexual or aromantic and therefore doesn't feel love in a way that someone who is heterosexual or homosexual would feel towards a partner instead of being having an autistic spectrum condition.

 

[Kept in the dark]

Welcome

Maybe have a look here: Love, Relationships and Dating

I have read all those, trust me....much research.

 

[Kept in the dark]

I was wondering about medication...he always seems to be unusually laid back, calm and soft spoken. I have never known anyone so calm although there have been a few times with me where I have seen a slightly agitated side to him - maybe he feels more comfortable around me to show that side.

 

[Kept in the dark]

He doesn't seem to relate to hurting my feelings either like he doesn't understand.

 

[xudo]

I have read all those, trust me....much research.

Ok..just thought you might want to post there too, as there are some people who may be able to offer advice who are more likely to see your post if it were in that section.

 

[Bolletje]

I wouldn't jump to conclusions as to him being on the spectrum, there are literally dozens of reasons he could be acting the way he is, many of which are simply behavioral. Human behavior is a complex thing. It's understandable that you want to find an explanation for his erratic behavior, but I feel it would be harmful to simply assume he's on the spectrum. I can guarantee you that the majority of socially inept, romantically inexperienced people is neurotypical.

As for help with your specific problem: sadly Aspies don't come with a universal instruction manual as we're not defined by the disorder. We're people with personalities, character traits, talents and flaws, who also happen to have ASD. We might share some common traits, but so do redheads.

So even if this man would be on the spectrum, you shouldn't expect to get some magical fix-it-all answer here. We can write from personal experience and perspectives, but that doesn't mean it's applicable to your situation. I don't mean to be rude, but so many neurotypical people come here for relationship advice about their (perceived) Aspie partners that I feel the need to clarify that just because we share the same disorder, doesn't mean we have all the answers.

 

[OkRad]

Thank you for stopping wall text. It is hard to read.

I am glad you love him, but some of the things you say about him would hurt his feelings if he were here reading them, "momma's boy" and like a kid opening a present. Like he is immature.

People come on here and want to us to tell them if they have hope with an "aspie" who is not committing.

However he may not even have it. There are many disorders which over lap and some are not good. You have no idea what he has.

I would say go to a Dr with him to see if he is on the Spectrum.

If he will not, you have to decide what you are going to do. It seems like a terrible amount of confusion you are going through and, frankly, I cannot see this is ending like you want it to.

He has given you many, many signals and pull you in and out and in and out.

He is 60, that is his pattern and no matter what he has, that will continue. If you can live with that, that is good and you keep going on like you are. But you will be frustrated unless you just love him as he is and expect no more, him AND his mom and not just wait till she is not there! When she is not there, he may fall apart.

Maybe go to her and get to know her, too, and realize she is part of him no matter what.

In the end, we really have no influence over the people that come here. But you can vent and we will listen. That is all we can do. I am just confused on how much people think their object of affection is going to change. They are not going to change.

But I hope it works for you because you seem to be in a lot of confusion right now and I can tell you care a lot about him and are also not wanting to get hurt or waste your time either. That is a hard place to be in.

 

[Kept in the dark]

Ok..just thought you might want to post there too, as there are some people who may be able to offer advice who are more likely to see your post if it were in that section.

"Thank you, I do appreciate it."

 

[Kept in the dark]

Thank you for stopping wall text. It is hard to read.

I am glad you love him, but some of the things you say about him would hurt his feelings if he were here reading them, "momma's boy" and like a kid opening a present. Like he is immature.

People come on here and want to us to tell them if they have hope with an "aspie" who is not committing.

However he may not even have it. There are many disorders which over lap and some are not good. You have no idea what he has.

I would say go to a Dr with him to see if he is on the Spectrum.

If he will not, you have to decide what you are going to do. It seems like a terrible amount of confusion you are going through and, frankly, I cannot see this is ending like you want it to.

He has given you many, many signals and pull you in and out and in and out.

He is 60, that is his pattern and no matter what he has, that will continue. If you can live with that, that is good and you keep going on like you are. But you will be frustrated unless you just love him as he is and expect no more, him AND his mom and not just wait till she is not there! When she is not there, he may fall apart.

Maybe go to her and get to know her, too, and realize she is part of him no matter what.

In the end, we really have no influence over the people that come here. But you can vent and we will listen. That is all we can do. I am just confused on how much people think their object of affection is going to change. They are not going to change.

But I hope it works for you because you seem to be in a lot of confusion right now and I can tell you care a lot about him and are also not wanting to get hurt or waste your time either. That is a hard place to be in.

"I have made a number of attempts to include her in things, take her out for dinner, I have sent her flowers and she has never once asked to meet me."

 

[Kept in the dark]

It sounds like he's scared to commit to anything, probably because he's afraid to get hurt again as we aspies do often, and easily. Of course his mother sounds like a controlling you know what, mine was like that too until I cut her out of my life.
You seem like an amazing person for sticking with him for so long under so much confusion and probably stress. There aren't many NTs like that. I think that once his mother passes or he decides to stop letting her control him, things will change. Have hope and keep your heart strong and never give up on him is the only real advice I can give. Hope it helps.

" oh, one thing. I mentioned that he is the most laid back person I have ever met, really doesn't anger although he seems to feel more comfortable around me to let some of that out...frustration at work and what not. Are there medications he might take that keep him calm and grounded the majority of the times?"





"Hi Adam...just wanted to say hello and thank you for the time you allotted me. It is confusing and stressful but i keep researching and still feel he is in the spectrum. I love this man with all my heart even though I get little to nothing in return from him. Other people seem to get more from their Aspies, but they don't have the controlling mother in addition to the spectrum. Not having a date in two years and him only coming over for dinner twice last year makes it hard, but I know I am really not a priority with him right now. I do my best not to get discouraged. I will never give up on him because I do believe he is going to need me when his mother passes. I see him most days at work and he gives me a little here and there to keep me going - a quick kiss on the lips and a hug - which no one else gets from him by the way. I just really want to believe he loves me even though he is not good at showing it. Well, I will keep you in my prayers and know that I really do appreciate the time you have taken with me. God Bless!"

 

[Kept in the dark]

Thank you for stopping wall text. It is hard to read.

I am glad you love him, but some of the things you say about him would hurt his feelings if he were here reading them, "momma's boy" and like a kid opening a present. Like he is immature.

People come on here and want to us to tell them if they have hope with an "aspie" who is not committing.

However he may not even have it. There are many disorders which over lap and some are not good. You have no idea what he has.

I would say go to a Dr with him to see if he is on the Spectrum.

If he will not, you have to decide what you are going to do. It seems like a terrible amount of confusion you are going through and, frankly, I cannot see this is ending like you want it to.

He has given you many, many signals and pull you in and out and in and out.

He is 60, that is his pattern and no matter what he has, that will continue. If you can live with that, that is good and you keep going on like you are. But you will be frustrated unless you just love him as he is and expect no more, him AND his mom and not just wait till she is not there! When she is not there, he may fall apart.

Maybe go to her and get to know her, too, and realize she is part of him no matter what.

In the end, we really have no influence over the people that come here. But you can vent and we will listen. That is all we can do. I am just confused on how much people think their object of affection is going to change. They are not going to change.

But I hope it works for you because you seem to be in a lot of confusion right now and I can tell you care a lot about him and are also not wanting to get hurt or waste your time either. That is a hard place to be in.

"What I said happens to be true, not trying to be hurtful...there are times where he is child-like. Only being honest but it doesn't change my feelings for him.

 

[Kept in the dark]

Maybe try giving him a little space, he might come to you instead. If he is an aspie can be really easy to get overwhelmed by people, especially if you love them.

"I was wondering about medication...he always seems to be unusually laid back, calm and soft spoken. I have never known anyone so calm although there have been a few times with me where I have seen a slightly agitated side to him - maybe he feels more comfortable around me to show that side. He doesn't seem to be able to comprehend when he does things that hurts my feelings either. It's been three years now and I still love him and will never abandon him"

 

[orphan]

Hello

 

[Kept in the dark]

It sounds like he's scared to commit to anything, probably because he's afraid to get hurt again as we aspies do often, and easily. Of course his mother sounds like a controlling you know what, mine was like that too until I cut her out of my life.
You seem like an amazing person for sticking with him for so long under so much confusion and probably stress. There aren't many NTs like that. I think that once his mother passes or he decides to stop letting her control him, things will change. Have hope and keep your heart strong and never give up on him is the only real advice I can give. Hope it helps.

"How are you Adam...been thinking about you and hope you are doing well."