Having a relationship with someone with Asperger's

[Anneb68]

Hello,

I was in a relationship with a man for several years that became increasingly frustrating so I left. I always thought we loved eachother a lot but could not find how to communicate. What I felt was disregard and unkindness became unbearable. I was then told he may have Asperger's. I looked it up and indeed the description matched his profile remarkably well. Suddenly, I looked at him in a different light, it explained everything. We still see eachother as 'friends' but I am getting contradictory messages: one day he's very nice, charming and tender (almost as if he was courting me) and two days later he is distant, cold and secretive to a point that is upsetting.
Anyone out there has experience in adapting to this? Has anyone succeeded in accepting the person for what he is? Understanding why he does this or doesn't do that? Coping with having things on his terms, not yours?
Thank you.

 

[ksheehan88]

You managed for several years... I'm sure you know what you're doing.

Number one in ANY relationship is COMMUNICATION. He might find communicating difficult, but that's where you ask him how is best. He knows in what way he communicates best.

 

[tducey]

Any relationship requires compromise. Find a way to communicate with him. I'm excellent with 1 on 1 communication so find something that interests you both and go from there.

 

[Sozdatelniza]

Don't have any experience with romantic relationships but I can put my 20 ct about my friendships with aspies.

I talk a lot with my net friend who has also Aspergers'. He had one girlfriend with Aspergers' once and it was terrible experience for him because she didn't treat him well.
Thus, he became more sceptic about romantic relationships. He doesn't like to talk about it because he starts to feel bad in that case.

I am also sceptical about romantic relationships because people let decept themselves. I witnessed multitudinous amount of situations where nice romance turned into horrible family routine.
Anyhoo, autists and aspies don't really understand the concept about being a nice boyfriend/girlfriend.
The non-autistic partner should support them in that case and not to require something that usually is expected from other non-autists.

Non-autistic people aren't able to understand autists as well as others. Thus, I recommend you to ask him about his feelings. Nevertheless, he may not be able to describe what he's feeling right now. Try to be as loyal to him as possible. Research about autistic specificities and keep them in mind.

 

[Mr Allen]

Yeah, talk to your Aspie bloke and get him to tell you his feelings and that, us Aspies tend to be a bit shy about expressing our emotions and stuff.

 

[Judge]

We still see each other as 'friends' but I am getting contradictory messages: one day he's very nice, charming and tender (almost as if he was courting me) and two days later he is distant, cold and secretive to a point that is upsetting.

One thing to consider is that for many of us, just how vulnerable even our closest relationships can be based on totally unrelated events or circumstances. It may make no sense to you, but it can to us.

Just remaining on good terms with those we care about can be arduous for so many of us. That we're simply "hard-wired" to respond like this. It's a struggle that has a "balance" to it that can be easily tipped in the wrong direction if and when we are stressed. When we may appear distant- or even hostile at times.

Where in many cases we simply crave solitude as means to recover from the day-to-day exposure of human interactions and other things that may be troubling to us. That in an attempt to heal ourselves we are simply prone to withdrawing from everyone for a period of time. A behavioral dynamic that most Neurotypicals cannot likely relate to, making it more problematic when they attempt to intervene.

What can you do to help? IMO, be patient, and don't be quick to want to jump and ask questions. Quite often the best thing you can do is to just leave us alone and allow us to come out of whatever "fog" we may be at the time.

You have a sense of fundamental fellowship to sustain yourself. We have solitude. Something every bit as important and vital to most of us as is love and friendship. This may seem contradictory to you, but it isn't for us.

 

[xudo]

Anyhoo, autists and aspies don't really understand the concept about being a nice boyfriend/girlfriend.

This is in no way true of every single person on the spectrum.

 

[Sozdatelniza]

This is in no way true of every single person on the spectrum.

What do you mean?

 

[Bella Pines]

Anyhoo, autists and aspies don't really understand the concept about being a nice boyfriend/girlfriend.

I'd agree with @xudo, I'm aspie and understand the concept of being a nice girlfriend perfectly well, and have exercised it many times, and I have been a nice wife for 20 years.

I don't think being mean or mistreating people has anything to do with aspergers, it's a choice in all cases. I am capable of being mean, I have also been known not to notice people's feelings, but I know how to be a caring and considerate partner and choose to follow that path.

 

[Anneb68]

You managed for several years... I'm sure you know what you're doing.

Number one in ANY relationship is COMMUNICATION. He might find communicating difficult, but that's where you ask him how is best. He knows in what way he communicates best.

Well, I have strong feelings for him and I would like to find a way of spending enjoyable time together. Stress free for him and frustration free for me.

Yes, I agree. Communication is a two way thing, so when you don't get a reaction back, it makes it rather uncomfortable...

 

[Bella Pines]

What I felt was disregard and unkindness became unbearable. I am getting contradictory messages: one day he's very nice, charming and tender (almost as if he was courting me) and two days later he is distant, cold and secretive to a point that is upsetting.

Agree with @ksheehan88 this sounds like a straight forward communication issue. He probably doesn't change, we are very level. You are just struggling to interpret his reactions. When you feel disregard, sit him down, no distractions, just the two of you and explain briefly why you feel that way. Don't bleat on about what he did and why he was wrong and how it's all terrible, blah blah blah, just keep it simple and to the point.

For instance. You spend weeks looking for a new dress and take him out to a restaurant for his birthday. He shrugs and says he doesn't like the food there and doesn't even look at your dress. Instead of getting all upset and throwing a hissy fit, this is how COMMUNICATION can work:

NT: "Listen to me, look at me, I bought a new dress and I need you to look at it and utter a complement".
ASPIE: "oh it seems to fit well"
NT: "that's not a compliment, google it and try again"
ASPIE: [googles compliment] "your dress matches your eyes"
NT: "my dress is blue, my eyes are brown, try again"
ASPIE: "what do you want me to say?"
NT: "that I look pretty"
ASPIE: "you look pretty"
NT: "you need to say it with more expression"
ASPIE: [looks pained and speaks louder] "you look pretty".
NT: "thank you, now note down this conversation and repeat that compliment every time I say that I have bought a new dress and practice your attonation".

And the NT and ASPIE lived happily ever after.

 

[Anneb68]

Any relationship requires compromise. Find a way to communicate with him. I'm excellent with 1 on 1 communication so find something that interests you both and go from there.

For many years (our entire relationship) I failed to see what this was about. I reacted as if he was like everyone else, which stressed him out and made him feel pressure, which made me react with anger, which made him feel even more pressure, etc...
So, you are right about communicating through common interests. This was good then and can still be.
My concern is about the other stuff and how able I am to cope with what feels like rejection.
If I hadn't been told about his possible (likely) Asperger's I wouldn't have wanted to see him again. Now, it is different and I don't want to let him down, but at the same time it's got to be bearable for both of us.

 

[Anneb68]

Non-autistic people aren't able to understand autists as well as others. Thus, I recommend you to ask him about his feelings. Nevertheless, he may not be able to describe what he's feeling right now. Try to be as loyal to him as possible. Research about autistic specificities and keep them in mind.

In the past, I did ask but he wouldn't say. "I haven't thought about it"; "Nothing, really". But now we are no longer a couple, I suppose I can take a different perspective on this. I used to insist but now, I would just leave it.

 

[Anneb68]

Yeah, talk to your Aspie bloke and get him to tell you his feelings and that, us Aspies tend to be a bit shy about expressing our emotions and stuff.

Yes, that is what I can see. It's like walking on egg shells! It's got to be gentle I suppose so he doesn't feel vulnerable. Thank you!

 

[Judge]

Yes, that is what I can see. It's like walking on egg shells! It's got to be gentle I suppose so he doesn't feel vulnerable. Thank you!

If he's stressed about something else, back off and wait until whatever it is blows over.

Timing can be everything if you really want to communicate positively with him. It's not fair, and quite often anything but equitable. But there you have it.

 

[Anneb68]

One thing to consider is that for many of us, just how vulnerable even our closest relationships can be based on totally unrelated events or circumstances. It may make no sense to you, but it can to us.
Just remaining on good terms with those we care about can be arduous for so many of us. That we're simply "hard-wired" to respond like this. It's a struggle that has a "balance" to it that can be easily tipped in the wrong direction if and when we are stressed. When we may appear distant- or even hostile at times.

That is a difficult one to understand for us, non Aspie, but a crucial one. When, following a lovely day out, you rather innocently offer an evening out at the theatre and get told "No I can't" followed by days of silence.... I now look back and see when I could possibly have put pressure on him. Sometimes I can see it, sometimes I can't and then, yes it could well be something totally unrelated. Thanks for pointing that out.

Where in many cases we simply crave solitude as means to recover from the day-to-day exposure of human interactions and other things that may be troubling to us. That in an attempt to heal ourselves we are simply prone to withdrawing from everyone for a period of time. A behavioral dynamic that most Neurotypicals cannot likely relate to, making it more problematic when they attempt to intervene.

What is upsetting for me is when he recovers, not on his own but with other people. For instance, he would say: “I received an email last week, for a free event on that same evening. So I got a couple of tickets and WE went. It was fantastic”. And he'd say this with some coldness, as if he was protecting himself from me. Who he went with, I don’t know. I felt he was making a point of not telling me anything about it. But not sharing the information. If I ask, he still doesn't say. I have learnt not to ask! Of course all this resonate with when we were a couple, and the boundaries with love and friendship are probably unclear for both of us. Which is why I think he is cautious, not wanting to be hurt again. And so am I!

What can you do to help? IMO, be patient, and don't be quick to want to jump and ask questions. Quite often the best thing you can do is to just leave us alone and allow us to come out of whatever "fog" we may be at the time.

Yes, I think this is key. Thank you. It can still be upsetting for us (especially, again, if he spends time with other people, not on his own), so I have to learn that it may not be against me.

You have a sense of fundamental fellowship to sustain yourself. We have solitude. Something every bit as important and vital to most of us as is love and friendship. This may seem contradictory to you, but it isn't for us.

Thank you for that.

 

[Anneb68]

I'd agree with @xudo, I'm aspie and understand the concept of being a nice girlfriend perfectly well, and have exercised it many times, and I have been a nice wife for 20 years.

I don't think being mean or mistreating people has anything to do with aspergers, it's a choice in all cases. I am capable of being mean, I have also been known not to notice people's feelings, but I know how to be a caring and considerate partner and choose to follow that path.

That is interesting because I read on many occasions that Apserger's can make people behave in away that is seen as uncaring and unkind. In fact sometime truly awful. I have experienced that myself.

 

[Judge]

Yes, I think this is key. Thank you. I can still be upsetting for us (especially, again, if he spend time with other people, not on his own), so I have to learn that it may not be against me.

Good point. There can be any number of scenarios in which you may be prone to take them personally.

There lies the challenge. That in fact, such circumstances aren't meant to be personal slights at all.

 

[Anneb68]

Agree with @ksheehan88 this sounds like a straight forward communication issue. He probably doesn't change, we are very level. You are just struggling to interpret his reactions. When you feel disregard, sit him down, no distractions, just the two of you and explain briefly why you feel that way. Don't bleat on about what he did and why he was wrong and how it's all terrible, blah blah blah, just keep it simple and to the point.

For instance. You spend weeks looking for a new dress and take him out to a restaurant for his birthday. He shrugs and says he doesn't like the food there and doesn't even look at your dress. Instead of getting all upset and throwing a hissy fit, this is how COMMUNICATION can work:

NT: "Listen to me, look at me, I bought a new dress and I need you to look at it and utter a complement".
ASPIE: "oh it seems to fit well"
NT: "that's not a compliment, google it and try again"
ASPIE: [googles compliment] "your dress matches your eyes"
NT: "my dress is blue, my eyes are brown, try again"
ASPIE: "what do you want me to say?"
NT: "that I look pretty"
ASPIE: "you look pretty"
NT: "you need to say it with more expression"
ASPIE: [looks pained and speaks louder] "you look pretty".
NT: "thank you, now note down this conversation and repeat that compliment every time I say that I have bought a new dress and practice your attonation".

And the NT and ASPIE lived happily ever after.

;-)

 

[Anneb68]

Good point. There can be any number of scenarios in which you may be prone to take them personally.

There lies the challenge. That in fact, such circumstances aren't meant to be personal slights at all.

That is definitely a big part of it. Being positive, I think we can make the most of this by taking advantage of that free time to do our own things!